Tuesday, July 07, 2009

No wait I'm still alive.

First and foremost, MCCN I will email you later but you are so awesome. For real so awesome.

Pics of what I'm talking about up there tomorrow probably.

Also I know I owe some sexytimes advice but my brain has not been going in that direction.

I had a whole other entry planned but over at Living ~400 lbs her entry sparked something else in my head.

So in case you're new or don't know I have some knee and back issues. I've had both for a good part of my life at this point and they are getting worse with age.

Despite those issues I have an overwhelming and sometimes emotionally gut wrenching need to do certain physical things. Namely belly dancing.

So lately my desperate want to dance has led me to a few aha moments.

Me being who I am, I have a hard time not forcing my body to do things. Doesn't matter what it is, if I feel like I should be able to do something I will do it often to my own detriment.

I am realizing that despite my attention to the ability (or lack of) in others I utterly refuse myself the same treatment.

I have done it since I was little and am just now (32 years old mind you) that I should probably not do that.

So to put it a tad more simply when it comes to me talking to myself I am an ableist dick.

I've started keeping better track of my knee and back pain and have noticed quite a trend.

I almost always trot at a good clip up stairs. I do it on my toes quick like a bunny.

If I have a choice between an inclined walk and a flat one, I almost always take the inclined one.

During this same choice, I noticed that if my knees or back hurt instead of slowing my pace I go faster.

I wouldn't do this to my partner Uniballer who has some mobility issues, I wouldn't do it to anyone else ever so why the fuck am I doing it to myself?

And doing it constantly?

The only thing I really know how to do is to get tough with myself.

If I want to dance I have to stop the other bullshit so I don't hurt myself. I've been working on it but fuck it's hard. It's so goddamn hard.

So yeah that is what is going on in the body of Shannon right now. Aside from the usual menstrual uterus area pain and ladyballs soreness.

In other non angsty news I'm designing some stickers with some of the sayings that I like and/or made up myself.


Also I'm writing a lot lately hence the sporadic posting. I'm working on a couple of SuperSeekrit writing projects that are taking up most of my brain space.

I think that's it. Swearsies sexytimes advice this week my homies.

Homo Out.


Anonymous said...

i'm going through something similar right now. i just had a breast reduction three weeks ago tomorrow, and i'm pushing myself to do too much too fast. so much so that i probably got myself a nice little skin infection... not much to add other than, i can relate. and it's way hard to break this particular habit.


tx_raven said...

i have a broken foot at the moment, so i'm a little mobility challenged. luckily i will be back to my bellydancing in 3 more weeks (hopefully). so i feel your frustration. i have done bellydancing for almost 20 years and it *can* make lower back & kneed problems worse if you don't do it properly. so hopefully you have a responsible teacher. it can also make lower back problems virtually disappear. yay for core strength and flexibility! happy dancing.

the fat nutritionist said...

I just sent this post to a friend WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS who really needs to hear this right now.

I think we're all ___ist dicks to ourselves pretty frequently. It's totally admirable to own up and try to change it.

Also hard. But worth it.

Anonymous said...

Ah...yeah, that's me too. No doubt. But I'm still hoping to get back to work two weeks after the full hip replacement. Ha, ha. Not kidding there.

Thanks Michelle. And, thanks Shannon, for the great post.

Piffle said...

I wonder if you could get one of those big exercise balls and sit on it to do the upper body part of belly dancing? I don't do belly dancing, so perhaps someone with experience could comment? That might let you do more without damaging your knees more.

habibinazira14 said...

oh my gosh this is like reading a post about me. I have back and abdominal pain from overexerting myself in exercise because I love the feeling of strength I get from working out. But many times this has made me sick and kept me from belly
dancing which I love so much. It is not a workout to me it something I just love to do. But like you if im inpain/sore I walk faster I always choose incline/
walking up hills and (though I am also afraid of elevators so I dont take them) I run up stairs instead of taking the escalator (or if I have to use the escalator I run up it. And as a fat loving person its not because working out is "good" or I want to lose weight I just love the feeling of being strong and running ahead while everyone else lags behind so Im constantly either in an exercise high or an exercise coma where my feet are covered in pus balls and sores my abs are in extreme pain from the last few hundred crunches and my arms and legs and the rest of me is so sore and all I want to do is lie on the couch with yummy home made popcorn with lotsa butter and watch the Cheetah Girls. But many times being worn out means missing out on dancing and if I go to class I cant enjoy it because every time I do a chest circle this muscle keeps popping-loudly. So Fellow Fatosphere-ers any advice on how to cut my exercise addiction so i can shimmy. It would be appreciated:)

mccn said...

It is a really hard thing to learn to take care of yourself - and I think the pain issue can be really hard for people. We're used to expressions of pain being treated as "wimpiness" or "complaining" from a very young age. We're told to suck it up and push past it - "no pain, no gain!" And these messages get so deeply ingrained so early, they're hard to identify and even harder to ignore.

Sound familiar at all? I think these are relatives of ideas about fatness.

I grew up in a lot of pain - I live with chronic pain now. I assumed that everyone felt this way - because no one else talked about pain, I didn't either; I learned early on that if I talked, people would think I was complainy or whiny. So I shut up. And it wasn't until some very scary medical stuff happened to me that I mentioned, offhandedly, that I was in pain all the time, et c.

Because of my medical shit, I've learned to stop when my body tells me to stop. But I have really realized how unusual this is - and how hard it is to do. Sometimes, I want to push past the pain and do things, too - and it's really only fear of the consequences that keeps me from doing that.

I'm glad you are seeing this habit somewhat more clearly - and I know you're tough enough to overcome it. Just wishing you some extra toughness in battling those pushy, WRONG voices telling you it's OK to hurt yourself and that your body doesn't know best (didn't you battle this with your dietary needs a while ago? maybe that experience can help?) and letting you know you're not alone.

Also, * blush *.

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