Monday, August 31, 2009

Oh hell to the no.

I mentioned last week that I've been sick.

I've not just been a little ill but really fucking sick as in I missed three days of work and have done litte more than take cold medication and sleep.

Now I have had to go out on and off and being so congested makes me more easily winded than normal. To be expected of course.

So as I was breathing a little heavily and standing waiting for the light to change this woman decided it was a good time to preach to me about being fat, never ever exercising and see that's what you get when you "let yourself go".

Normally I can let that sort of thing roll right off of my back but, being sick and ill tempered I gave her big piece of my mind.

I don't recall exactly what I said but, she went away red faced and probably a bit ashamed of herself.

Being that I don't remember exactly what I said I'll reform some of my opinions.

First of all, the assumption that fat is the absolute antithesis of "health" and "fitness" is erroneous. No links do your own fucking research.

I put health and fitness in quotes because there is no evidence I've ever come across that supports the idea that there is a single standard for either of those things.

For instance.

There was a time when I worked out 3-4 hours a day 7 days a week. I did that no matter what. I wholeheartedly believed that in order to be a "healthy fit person" this is what I had to do. I started out exercising about an hour a day 3-5 times a week but because my body did not look the way "fitness" looks in mainstream media, I increased the time and effort I put in.

My goal (through diet and serious hardcore exercise) was to end up looking like a smaller bigger boob having Terminator 2 (wasn't it?)Linda Hamilton. I wanted mid-late 90's era Janet Jackson Abs. I wanted an ass so tight that bouncing quarters off of it could prove dangerous. And I did what doctors and magazines tell us to do.

I radically altered my diet, I lifted weights, I ran, I did squats, I did yoga and yet my body did not become that icon of fitness.

Months of excrutiating hard work later, my body was smaller yes. Yes I was thinner but I was not hard bodied. I did not have the 8 pack abs of my dreams, my ass still jiggled, I still had round cheeks, I still had big thighs. I still had fat. And I hated my body. I felt betrayed by my body and I hated it.

Not only was my self esteem in the shitter but, I was really damaging myself.

The diet I had myself on was causing me to have low blood sugar related brown outs and near faints. I was forgetting things, easily angered. Cold all the time.

And the exercise that my doctor at the time was encouraging was causing my knees to deteriorate more no matter what kind of shoes I bought. I spent hundreds of dollars on fancy cross trainers and nothing helped. Most days as the intensity of my exercise increased I would be visibly limping by the end of the day.

I hurt myself doing every ab exercise in the book.

I stressed myself out doing yoga because even then I fucking hated it.

At the time the first person to ever explain to me the idea that fitness and health don't look the same and aren't achieved in the same ways for everyone was a lady bodybuilder I'd become friends with. She sat me down and we made a list of all the ways I was feeling pain, then we made another list of the good things that were going on and the bad outweighed the good.

I took that list to my doctor (at the time I thought my doctor would in fact be of great help) and she dismissed it. When I questioned her she gave me one of those no pain no gain speeches, congratulated me on my (too) rapid weightloss and dismissed pretty much everything else I said.

Things that I felt were becoming serious problems she dismissed as just things that happen when you haven't exercised. However I had been exercising regularly for a long time at that point and it wasn't that kind of thing.

She was the first doctor I fired.

After that though my friendship with the lady bodybuilder led me to some new friends who helped me form my early ideas about Body Acceptance. In the end that bullshit I went through really helped me out.

The bottom line is that from experience and from knowing a lot of different kinds of people I have learned that health and fitness are what you make it.

As for the sort of person who sparked this, I really have no use for them.

It's flawed at best to assume that you can know without a doubt (as fat haters and health moralists tend to present their arguments) how a person eats, what their fitness level is etc by simply how they look.

It's a rarity in my experience that people will level the same accusations at people who aren't visibly fat.

It's a rarity in my experience that anyone ever harasses a visibly thin looking person to "put down the fork" or "put down the cupcakes".

When it comes to food, foods that cause you some degree of harm in the long run will do it for everyone not just fat people.

That said, I do not believe that food choices are moral imperatives.

If you want to align your food choices with your own personal morality that is just fine with me, however being that my morals are not your morals don't badger me to do the same as long as it falls in line with your beliefs.

I still have difficulty sometimes understanding why people make these things so complicated.

It boils down to this for me.

You do you, I'll do me and we'll all be just fine.

Now I'm very tired, I don't feel well and I need to eat something.

Sexytimes advice this week and some more fatshion. And perhaps something about race that has been percolating in my brain. All this barring a relapse in sickness.

I love you guys. Be nice to yourselves.

Homo Out.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Okay, I give in.

First of all this is take three of this entry. Blogger keeps nomming what I have to say.

This is an indication today is not a good day for ranting.

Instead let me say this J, you made me cry thank you. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

Now I have a headcold that has descended to settle in my ears and sinus cavities in the last four hours so bear with me k?

I want to tell you how grateful I am for you guys.

I have been writing for a long, long time. For a long time I was afraid to write non-fiction because I did not believe I had anything that people want or need to hear, and I quite frankly did not believe in my own voice.

After a few years of online journaling at the now dead Diary-x, and then right here I started to realize that sometimes my weird ways of saying things, and my penchance towards stabby hippiness, is not as dumb as I thought it was.

It never mattered what "trolls" or other people bent on harassment said (and continue to say) I learned to own the fact that some people are going to hate every word that comes out of my mouth a long time ago.

As I've gotten older what really matters to me are people who may or may not be just like me, every time one of you tells me that something I said made you smile or say fuck yeah or just shake your head really matters to me.

It matters to me right in my soul because I do really care about people (no matter how much I may bitch about them sometimes) and I want us all to be okay. And when I can do some small part to help you feel okay, that does my soul good.

When it comes to writing true things, I don't like to write them just to have something to say, I'm not like that face to face and I don't like being that way on the internets. I want to think that, if I am speaking from my heart (even if I feel fucked up about it) that yes, it needs to be said.

And I have you all and your wonderful notes and comments to thank for my growing confidence in my own true creations.

Because of you all cheering me on and telling me FUCK YES and asking me questions that make me think, I am growing as a writer which, is ultimately the most important thing in the world to me.

So thank you.

And thank you and thank you.

I don't even know -how- to express the level of gratitude and thankfulness I feel. I just don't know how.

Yes I am even grateful for the trolls and haters, for the people who make fun of me, who snark on me.

So in light of these things I have been doing some serious thinking and I think after I am done with my erotica chapbook I might like to do a small collection of non-fiction. essays about sex and fatness and all the other shit I talk about here.

My medication is wearing off or not working at all so I'm gonna wrap this up.

But, really.

I love you guys. All of you, so much. Thank you my homies and haters for being who you are.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Sad sad fatshion news.

Usually once a year or so I buy myself a new pair of fabulous boots.

I love boots, if you've read me for awhile you know this.

Because it's so hard to find gothy ass kicking boots with a decent calf circumference I had fallen in love with a pair of stompy calf high boots. I emailed a seller on Ebay to find out the calf circumference because my Spidey sense was tingling since I was unable to find a picture of anyone actually wearing that style, and the "unisex" boot has a calf circumference of 12".

So I think I'm going to have to break up with Demonia too. The last three pairs of shoes I've purchased from them (two on the most awesome super sale) were just wow.

One pair, mary janes with a handcuff detail were a.) marked wrong I believe those were a size 6 rather than a 7 and b.) as narrow as (I shit you not I compared them) a pair of childs shoes.

I also last year sometime bought some plaid calf high boots that fit my calves just fine but, there is something in the construction of the foot that is so incredibly hard that I can't break them in at all. I can barely wear them with socks or tights even. They cut my foot.

And the super sale platform black boots, I don't wear them often because I had to DIY cut them. The elastic in them didn't stretch more than a few centimeters and was too stiff and too small.

Oh Demonia.

I started buying your boots and shoes when I was a teenaged babygoth. I remember saving my pennies and buying my first pair of 5" platform buckle boots. I remember buying my first pair of ubiquitous goth patent knee high platform stripper boots.

I remember when even when I was quite thin but with the muscley calves I had trouble buying your boots. But I stayed with you.

And being that Torrid has sytematically berid themselves of most things that fat goths love where do I turn?

Now I have to admit, for a moment (or a lot of them) I was consideirng how one de-muscles calves. Then I remembered, duh that as an adult mine have never been small.

My point here is that even I am not immune to my moments of thinking everything would be better if I was thinner.

Fact is, it wouldn't be.

Rather let me say it wasn't.

Because yes there was a time when I whole heartedly embraced the idea that being thinner would magically turn everything related to my body better.

I was so wrong.

My body image tanked like I have never before and never since experienced. I not only hated my body but was incredibly ashamed of it. I also over exerted myself on a constant basis to the point I caused myself injury and further damage to my already damaged joints. That was not awesome.

And I hd the same if not more fit problems with clothes. I stopped wearing dresses because I had the hardest time finding any that would fit my DD boobs and size 7 waist and size 9 hips.

So yeah.

That moment is over.

So I put it to you my homies, is there a such thing as gothy stompy ass kicking boots that are made for or at least fit muscular calves and come as small as a mens size 5-5.5?

If not, my pennies are getting saved for new Docs.

Okay I'm done.

I'm looking super cute today and I will have my partner Uniballer take an outfit pic when i gt home. I've not been taking as many pics as I want so that will be changing.

Homo Out.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Full of projects.

Oh my darlings.

I've been toiling trying to put together some new pages here at NudiemuseHQ.

Ultimately I'd like to make a page with adultsexytimes links, blogs, fatty fashions, make up etc but holy balls you guys, my coding skills are not win lately.

Some of those will be yes affiliate links but I will totally warn you first.

So there's that.

I'm also working on some personal stuff.

I've got some issues I'm still (always?) working on in regards to body image and I kinda wanna take y'all on the road with me for this but at the same time I'm a wee bit nervous. I'm thinking about doing some more self portraits (I've been practicing y'all) but I want some more that have more to say.

I'm also kind of at a loss as to what to do with them.

I'm thinking maybe a tumblr? It seems like that would go well with what I am envisioning.

I want to be more courageous in not just making the photographic appearance when I'm feeling hot and sassy. I hate that and I hate that I've been doing it.

I really do hate the pretension that one must always be fly in pictures/on teh internets.

Fuck that.

this is one of those things that is really difficult for me to fight with myself about.

I know what I want to do, I know how I want to be but the getting there is fucking stressful and hard. Fuck it's hard.

Not to mention I hate being inauthentic to myself.

If I look at myself or something I'm saying or doing feels fake I get really upset.

In honor of that let's talk about a couple of things that are absolutely the truth.

1.) I am not always fly or awesome. Sometimes I can be a complete asshole. Sometimes, I am not awesome at all. Sometimes I'm mean. And that's okay.

2.) Sometimes I am highly doubtful that I have found a place for myself in the world. Also I am sometimes really afraid that despite my efforts, that I am doing everything all wrong.

3.) I am fucked up. I have issues. And that's okay.

4.) The biggy? I'm human.

Shocking isn't it?

I am terribly, awesomely human and in that lay every one of my foibles and whatnot.

I'm so human that sometimes I really get down on myself. Sometimes I'm a total fucker to myself. Sometimes I'm a total fucker to other people. And you know what? I could dwell but I won't, it happens.

One of the hardest lessons that I am continually learning is to not get so upset that I am in fact human and I'm gonna fuck up a lot. It's what humans do.

Okay my darlings. Back to work.

Tomorrow moar sexytimes advice.

Both a how to get more turned on question and more blowjob questions.

And Sinner, you deliciousness are welcome to come back and offer man advice anytime. :)

Now I'm off to contemplate the aforementioned photo project and get more serious about it. ANd maybe I might yanno start on that coding that is staring at me.

Homo Out.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Ooooh sexy sexy sexy.

Okay folks it's sexytimes.

Our Former Virgin friend and her new lover need some help y'all.

Here is the upshot of her question:

Only problem and frustration for him and me is that he hasn't been able to bring me to orgasm and he wants to give oral etc to try and do that but I just am so frustrated bc I am not confident in his ability make me orgasm that way either.

Also later let's give her some how to give a blow job advice.

First up, it's going to take some practice. Being that you were both virgins and your new partners fireworks don't always happen when you want them to and that's ok.

Now the best way to show a new partner what you like is to do just that and show them. You can do this in all sorts of fun ways my personal favorites being masturbating together, and using yourself as your own stunt double.

Try this. Have your partner lay next to you in bed, get cuddled up and start talking. Tell your partner how much you enjoy his body (for now let's use male words since her partner is of the peen having sort), tell him the things you'd love for him to do to your body with his body.

If you need to prepare sit down at some point by yourself and try to think of some things that you like and can write down.

For instance do you prefer harder or softer clitoral stimulation?

Direct or indirect stimulation?

When it comes to him giving you oral sex you're going to have to have some fun experimenting. Every woman is different and what might send me to the Jupiter might leave you annoyed you know?

I will say to not watch mainstream porn for inspiration. Cause really?

Next thing is you have to relax. Don't expect fireworks and awesome on the first try because it often doesn't go that way. Let your partner get a feel for how your particular anatomy is and when he does something you like give him encouragement. But please don't just nod. When you're going down on someone it hurts your neck to be looking at her face a lot of the time.

Tell him, yes right there do that more etc you get my drift.

If he's close but not quite there don't be afraid to move around. Put a pillow under your butt, hold your labia open if you are so moved.

Remember my darling there are no rules.

And the same goes for you giving your partner a blow job.

In the most general terms, don't use your teeth at all unless your partner asks you to. Relax. And for basics remember, keep your mouth wet, pay attention to what his body is doing and let him guide you to what feels good.

You don't have to go for deep throating gold for both of you to enjoy yourselves.

One thing to remember is that if you're giving a bj without a condom at some point he's probably going to come and be prepared. Man come can taste funny or downright bad. If you don't want to swallow, ask your partner for warning before he gets off so you can aim so to speak.

Things to remember.

Relax your throat so you don't get a surprise gag reflex.
Don't neglect your partners balls. Some gentle (gentle) stimulation really rocks some boys worlds.
If your partner gets over excited and thrusts more than you can handle you can slow that down by putting your hand around the base of his cock but don't squeeze too hard.

In my experience when you're giving someone a blow job, the best thing to do is try what comes naturally. Some suction (not too hard), some tongue and explore.

From an anatomical perspective penises have differing places that are more sensitive than others. Some men, the very tip of their cocks are super sensitive. Others, the spot right on the underside of the head. Once you find his hot spots, try not to overwork them.

So now my readers, I turn it over to you my darlings.

When you're with a new partner how are you making orgasms happen together? Have a funny story? Something you think is a little embarassing?

Feel free to go anonymous and let it all out right here.

And I know I have some man type readers, what advice do you gentlemen have about blowjobs?

Okay look out for (Monday or Tuesday) more sexytimes questions.

And tomorrow, some stuff on the fat sex.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Ranty...fat fangirl edition.

So, I am a fangirl of a lot of people/things/causes.

I am.

Today I'm going to talk about Margaret Cho whom I've loved for years, because she's top most in my mind right now.

I am on her mailing list and recently got a message that the merch store on her site was having a big sale. I got excited for all of 2 seconds.

As I was browsing I noticed two big things. 1.) I couldn't find a shirt that would fit me that wasn't a mens shirt.

This is important.

There have been several conversations I've had with people recently on this issue and the fact is I don't want to wear a mens tshirt.

Most often fan merch comes in girly t's, men's t's and the ubiquitous "Unisex" t's that are usually supposed to be for fatties.

I am a huge fan of girly cut tees. I like a tshirt that has room for big boobs, has some shape to it. And that skims my body without being overly tight.

Why is it that Target can do this? That Ravelry can do this? That Torrid can do this? But all of these famous people's merchandising departments can't do or seem to find plus size girly cut tee shirts?

Why is it so fucking hard?

Can the people in charge of these things not use the fucking google machine?

Issue number 2.) Where are the shirts for fat men?

Now this isn't personally about Margaret Cho and yet it is. She's often held up as a body positive person but, if the fatties can't buy her merch (which as we all know merch makes celebs $$) what the fuck?

What I as a fat fan girl, or even you know what let's take the fat out of it for a second.

What I as an ever busty (even at about 110 pounds my boobs are huge) fan girl would like to see is easy.

If you don't carry above a size X just fucking say so. I don't like wasting my time looking at every item (even the ones that don't move me), then finding a supposed XXL but, oh wait no there's no size chart of the XXL is actually a mediumish size 12 or a Juniors size 12.

Now there are lots of issues, people, ideas I would love to support by plastering their face/logo/slogan across my tits, but you know what?

At this point fuck you if the only people you're thinking about are people that look like you.

Fuck. You.

If you don't want to make your brand available to fatties be upfront about it. Stop dicking around and saying you can't find suppliers/models/demand etc.

Don't whine about but we do have some plus size things, then force your user to look around for 45 minutes trying to find it.

Do it or don't.

Also, ignoring requests or questions about plus sized items?

Ass behaviour.

So yeah, fuck you.

Do your own goddamn market research.

Use the internets.

If you can update a website, if you can run an estore you can use the google machine.

At this stage in the game I'm starting to not care about companies who don't acknowledge or want money from my fat self. If you are trying to sell whatever but don't have the gonads to say yes we are providing this, or no we are not. Fuck off.

Today's ranty comes courtesy of the aforementioned Ms. Cho's webstore, Lip Service, and a few other companies that I'm just tired of.

Granted I can buy Lip Service through Torrid but, if you compare what's available there to what Lip Service sells regularly the majority of it doesn't look like it has anything to do with the other collections. And that annoys the fuck out of me.

I've made the comparison before but if you look at what Tripp offers through Torrid it's WAY more representative of the brand. If I think of Tripp and look at those clothes, it makes sense.

Clearly these are things I think about a lot and I'm done.

I am not going to continue wasting my time trying to get things that are not going to made available to me.

Given how tight fisted I can be with my meager clothing budget, if someone doesn't want to sell to me their loss.

Instead I am going to hold onto my money, buy stuff that fits me properly and not settle because I want to be supportive.

So yeah this.

I think I am finally recovering from epic shitty sleep. I'm starting to feel better. More normal again.

On a non ranty health note.

In the name of being nicer to myself about these things, I will say I have had to rearrange some of what I do during the day/on my way home.

I am debating my serious desire to relearn how to walk in heels/wear more shoes with some elevation. I think I am going to go with wedges and plat form since both seem to be easier on my back/knees.

If anybody has advice on that drop it here babies.

Health wise this has been a weird summer for me. Not the heat so much as the just not feeling well. And I hate the emotional part of that. I've mentioned it before but even talking about it triggers weird things in my head and I feel like a Whinybabycrankyass and I hate that.

So yeah.

OH wait I have our former virgins new sexy questions about ready to be answered finally, so sorry baby but it'll be good I promise.

Also, I've been crocheting away like a mad woman and have a few informal question type things.

So when it comes to things like scarves to tall folks need/want longer ones?

Also smaller busted folks would you want slightly shorter ones?

And would people (in your estimation) want medium sized wraps to keep around the office? I ask because I work in a constantly air conditioned enviornment and I get so freaking cold. So I'm making myself a cozy open work wrap thingy to go around my shoulders or lap that I don't have to cart around. Also would something like 20$ be too much for something like that? They are fairly labor intensive which is the bulk of the cost there.

Okay now I'm done.

I love you guys.

All of you homies and haters alike.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Fessing up.

Okay I know I said I was back and I was pretty raring to go until two things happened simultaneously and I took myself out of the game and into a little bit of hiding.

First thing was the record high temperatures here in WA.

In general I am very lizard like with my love of heat. If I could have just sat outside somewhere during the whole heat wave, like a half asleep lizard just aborbing the heat I would have been fine and happy.

However my partner Uniballer and I live in an apartment, in an old concrete building, on the third floor. All of this together means our apartment got so hot.

It was so hot in our apartment several days last week I would start sweating pretty much the second I walked inside. Fans could not defeat it and we were both miserable.

So there was that.

Added with my ever present (more on that in a little bit) insomnia and wow.

Recipe for sickly feeling+extra crazy.

So the insomnia. I have suffered varying degrees of insomnia since childhood. I was a kid who would after being put to bed at whatever time lay there trying to be good and go to sleep for hours. I've seen more sunrises when i wasn't working graveyard shift than I care to admit. It's bad enough that I have been hospitalized a few times, I have hallucinated.

So yeah.

Now it often takes me a long time to fall asleep and that's no biggie. It's when I start getting into actual sleep deprivation territory that I have problems.

Last week I was okay until about Weds. And when I say okay I mean, that my cognitive skills weren't too bad, my balance was okay and I wasn't shaking. But I wasn't really in a good frame of mind to blog anything.

My parents took me to the doctor about my sleeping problems early on when I was a kid and between then and now I've tried everything from prescription drugs, homeopathy, yoga, etc and not much really works without problems.

And here is why I tend to keep quiet about it for the most part.

After my disastrous bouts with trying to be thin. I had doctors convince me that all my sleep problems were related to the weight I started gaining after I stopped exercising compulsively.

These days my weight is stable and I'm fairly healthy. My health problems are the same problems that I've had my entire life fat and thin and inbetween. And at some point in the last few years I just got tired of arguing with doctors about it.

This is one of those things where I came to the conclusion a long time ago that altering my weight won't fix it.

It can be a fucked up thing to realize.

This all leads me to a few other A-ha moments.

Until recently I was still holding out a little hope that yes indeed, if I lost some weight my knees wouldn't hurt anymore. I wouldn't have back spasms anymore and everything would be hunky dory fine and dandy.

I had to sit myself down and really think about it.

If I don't take into consideration my issues. Fatigue caused by sleep disorders (yes I have several that I was diagnosed with), my already none too great joints and start exercising the amount that it would take for me to lose and maintain the loss of say a 25 pound weight loss, I would in the end be more fucked up than I was to begin with.

I have to remind myself of that everytime I go days without decent sleep. I have to fight myself not to start playing that record in my head. I have to fight myself not to go ahead and start running again or getting up four hours early so I can work out for two hours.

Even I who am pretty damn happy with my body struggles.

For me it's not so much about looks as it is expectations. And my body tends to fall short of my own expectations and it guts me.

So yeah that's where I've been and what's been up.

Hopefully barring further sleep fuckery I can get back to my normal programming because this sleep deprivation shit is for the fucking birds my darlings. For the birds.

Homo Out.

Also PS..I almost didn't post this because I don't want anyone to think I'm a whiny douchebag and.or feel undue pity.

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