Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Fessing up.

Okay I know I said I was back and I was pretty raring to go until two things happened simultaneously and I took myself out of the game and into a little bit of hiding.

First thing was the record high temperatures here in WA.

In general I am very lizard like with my love of heat. If I could have just sat outside somewhere during the whole heat wave, like a half asleep lizard just aborbing the heat I would have been fine and happy.

However my partner Uniballer and I live in an apartment, in an old concrete building, on the third floor. All of this together means our apartment got so hot.

It was so hot in our apartment several days last week I would start sweating pretty much the second I walked inside. Fans could not defeat it and we were both miserable.

So there was that.

Added with my ever present (more on that in a little bit) insomnia and wow.

Recipe for sickly feeling+extra crazy.

So the insomnia. I have suffered varying degrees of insomnia since childhood. I was a kid who would after being put to bed at whatever time lay there trying to be good and go to sleep for hours. I've seen more sunrises when i wasn't working graveyard shift than I care to admit. It's bad enough that I have been hospitalized a few times, I have hallucinated.

So yeah.

Now it often takes me a long time to fall asleep and that's no biggie. It's when I start getting into actual sleep deprivation territory that I have problems.

Last week I was okay until about Weds. And when I say okay I mean, that my cognitive skills weren't too bad, my balance was okay and I wasn't shaking. But I wasn't really in a good frame of mind to blog anything.

My parents took me to the doctor about my sleeping problems early on when I was a kid and between then and now I've tried everything from prescription drugs, homeopathy, yoga, etc and not much really works without problems.

And here is why I tend to keep quiet about it for the most part.

After my disastrous bouts with trying to be thin. I had doctors convince me that all my sleep problems were related to the weight I started gaining after I stopped exercising compulsively.

These days my weight is stable and I'm fairly healthy. My health problems are the same problems that I've had my entire life fat and thin and inbetween. And at some point in the last few years I just got tired of arguing with doctors about it.

This is one of those things where I came to the conclusion a long time ago that altering my weight won't fix it.

It can be a fucked up thing to realize.

This all leads me to a few other A-ha moments.

Until recently I was still holding out a little hope that yes indeed, if I lost some weight my knees wouldn't hurt anymore. I wouldn't have back spasms anymore and everything would be hunky dory fine and dandy.

I had to sit myself down and really think about it.

If I don't take into consideration my issues. Fatigue caused by sleep disorders (yes I have several that I was diagnosed with), my already none too great joints and start exercising the amount that it would take for me to lose and maintain the loss of say a 25 pound weight loss, I would in the end be more fucked up than I was to begin with.

I have to remind myself of that everytime I go days without decent sleep. I have to fight myself not to start playing that record in my head. I have to fight myself not to go ahead and start running again or getting up four hours early so I can work out for two hours.

Even I who am pretty damn happy with my body struggles.

For me it's not so much about looks as it is expectations. And my body tends to fall short of my own expectations and it guts me.

So yeah that's where I've been and what's been up.

Hopefully barring further sleep fuckery I can get back to my normal programming because this sleep deprivation shit is for the fucking birds my darlings. For the birds.

Homo Out.

Also PS..I almost didn't post this because I don't want anyone to think I'm a whiny douchebag and.or feel undue pity.


Look, A Diversion! said...

I never know what to say to anybody with ongoing sleep problems other than "gah, that sucks so hard I am sorry!". Giving suggestions would at best kind of an annoying thing for me to do since anyone who's been suffering from insomnia for a long time is likely to have tried EVERYTHING already. And saying "ack, that really bites, sleep deprivation is SATAN" is true but does not actually give anyone any sleep, dammit.

In any case, it's a perfectly understandable reason to not be blogging. 'S not "whining", either. Really hope things improve for you!

Trabbs said...

Not whining. You have been such a comfort and inspiration to me over this past year of trying to embrace fat acceptance, and I have been just awed by your empathy and ability to give advice that is both very useful and soul-healing. I don't comment, because I rarely have anything to say other than "wow" but I wish I had done that whenever I did say it. It may be a bore for you readers to see, but you should hear when you make people's hearts beat fast with gratitude.

If only I had something to offer now that you are down with heat and sleeplessness. I'd be happy to chip in for an air conditioner if you put up a paypal button, and I have some courts administration manuals that put me right out before page 4, but otherwise I'm empty. Just wishing you all the best.

Tari said...

Sympathetic fellow lifetime insomniac. Stupid sleep.

I hope this patch passes quickly, and you get whatever you need to feel better.

ChloeMireille said...

Oh, honey.

I'm hoping that part of your insomnia is probably heat-related. I know down here in Texas it's about 80 at night, and I have to sleep naked under a fan to get any sort of rest.

If you're insured and your policy covers it, get thee to a sleep clinic and let them monitor you for a night. They might be helpful.

Piffle said...

Oh I hate not getting enough sleep and your insomnia sounds much worse than mine. Melatonin and valerian have been most helpful for me, lunesta, sonata, and zolpidem help a bit; but not enough.

Hope you've cooled down and get some sleep soon. :)

Subscribe To My Podcast