Monday, August 24, 2009

Okay, I give in.

First of all this is take three of this entry. Blogger keeps nomming what I have to say.

This is an indication today is not a good day for ranting.

Instead let me say this J, you made me cry thank you. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

Now I have a headcold that has descended to settle in my ears and sinus cavities in the last four hours so bear with me k?

I want to tell you how grateful I am for you guys.

I have been writing for a long, long time. For a long time I was afraid to write non-fiction because I did not believe I had anything that people want or need to hear, and I quite frankly did not believe in my own voice.

After a few years of online journaling at the now dead Diary-x, and then right here I started to realize that sometimes my weird ways of saying things, and my penchance towards stabby hippiness, is not as dumb as I thought it was.

It never mattered what "trolls" or other people bent on harassment said (and continue to say) I learned to own the fact that some people are going to hate every word that comes out of my mouth a long time ago.

As I've gotten older what really matters to me are people who may or may not be just like me, every time one of you tells me that something I said made you smile or say fuck yeah or just shake your head really matters to me.

It matters to me right in my soul because I do really care about people (no matter how much I may bitch about them sometimes) and I want us all to be okay. And when I can do some small part to help you feel okay, that does my soul good.

When it comes to writing true things, I don't like to write them just to have something to say, I'm not like that face to face and I don't like being that way on the internets. I want to think that, if I am speaking from my heart (even if I feel fucked up about it) that yes, it needs to be said.

And I have you all and your wonderful notes and comments to thank for my growing confidence in my own true creations.

Because of you all cheering me on and telling me FUCK YES and asking me questions that make me think, I am growing as a writer which, is ultimately the most important thing in the world to me.

So thank you.

And thank you and thank you.

I don't even know -how- to express the level of gratitude and thankfulness I feel. I just don't know how.

Yes I am even grateful for the trolls and haters, for the people who make fun of me, who snark on me.

So in light of these things I have been doing some serious thinking and I think after I am done with my erotica chapbook I might like to do a small collection of non-fiction. essays about sex and fatness and all the other shit I talk about here.

My medication is wearing off or not working at all so I'm gonna wrap this up.

But, really.

I love you guys. All of you, so much. Thank you my homies and haters for being who you are.

Homo Out.


Melissa said...

I think that's an awesome idea- the collection of non fiction essays that is.
I think writing needs more variety, especially in terms of body size etc!!!

Keep on writing :)

Margaret said...

Aw now you're making me wish I'd actually comment here rather than lurk!

However, every comment on your entry would be "Hey, this is a good entry." or some such and surely that would get a little repetitive? :P But seriously, I do love your blog. And you. :D

Twistie said...

(perks up)

Collection of essays? FUCK, YEAH!

That's an idea that makes me smile a hell of a lot.

Anonymous said...

"I don't even know -how- to express the level of gratitude and thankfulness I feel. I just don't know how."

From a Long time lurker:

Just keep writing, silly git! ; >

Orodemniades said...

I think a non-fic book would be fab. Seal Press seems like the obvious choice, but, well, maybe not. If you write it, I'll get it stocked in the bookstore I work in.

Haddayr said...

I love this idea!

Piffle said...

I always love reading here, just keep writing. I'd love to see your essays. :)

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