Monday, October 12, 2009

Confessional Mood.

I woke up feeling strangely anxious and in an odd pensive mood. I'm not sure why.

Well part of it has to do with some stuff I'm struggling with right now.

It's one of those money vs want vs need vs myself type things.

So the simple bit of it is that I really need a new pair of shoes that aren't boots. I wore a pair of Mary Janes I bought from torrid to absolute death and I need a new pair of shoes.

Aesthetically I found some that I really love and am positive I would enjoy wearing but they are expensive. For me that's over 30$.

What I'm struggling with (always) is that I could buy something cheaper that I don't like that would fulfill the need for fairly water resistant shoes. The ones I was looking at I honestly just don't like. However they are way cheaper than the ones I do like.

Here is what happens in my brain.

GlitteryBrain: Oh LOOK those are PERFECT!

MoneyBrain: That is too fucking expensive.

GlitteryBrain: But WAIT I found some on Ebay and-

MoneyBrain: Still too expensive you greedy asshole get these.

GlitteryBrain: Oh those are ugly.

MoneyBrain: Cost effective, will keep feet dry and shut the fuck up.

SadBrain: Well, that is really expensive and you don't really need fancy shoes.

Etc etc.

There is also a lot of guilt here. I feel awfully guilty for wearing out anything or feeling like I've ruined it. Hangover from my life as a youngster that I am working on but it's still there.

To tell you the truth when I look at things (in my case clothes and shoes mostly) that seem fancy to me I feel, for lack of a better single word icky.

I often feel that when I get frustrated over how limited my wardrobe actually is and I'm sad about it, I feel like an icky human being. A gross greedy human being.

And then I get annoyed with myself because I'm a goddamn grown up and I work for my money and if I want a pair of fancy to me shoes, I should get some fancy to me shoes without all the bullshit.

For as gentle as I advocate everyone be with themselves, I am really terribly hard on myself.

I have extremely high expectations of myself and when I don't fulfill them I tend to put the emotional hammer down on myself.

I'm having one of those days.

Continuing with the confessional mood.

I've mentioned on and off doing an etsy store for low cost, warm weather stuff. Crocheted scarves mostly.

Now honestly I am really kind of scared because as the adage goes you have to spend money to make money. And I have to buy some good quality yarn and that costs money and I'm terrified that I won't sell anything and it will be a huge waste of money.

Money that could go towards things like food, electric bill etc.

So yeah.


I'm doing this amusing affiliate thing. Trying to see if I can not spend a dime and earn enough to get myself some gift cards. I put my link in the sidebar.


I seriously started this on Friday but felt kind of embarrassed so never posted it.

Then today despite my still kinda foul emo mood, I decided to post it. I'm human. Sometimes I feel like I've emotionally fallen down and I can't get up and I don't have one of those push button medic alert buttons.

I am feeling a bit better if still overwhelmed and weird.

Sometimes, being human is really fucking difficult.

In the spirit of being human kinda sucking I would also like to admit that I have grown mightily impatient with myself in regards to my sewing abilities.

And clearly I'm having some I am being SUCH a fucking dick to myself and it has this mysterious momentum that I'm not entirely able to stop right now.

And quite frankly, I'm not certain I know how.

So this week my homework and yours is to be nice to yourself.

Forgive yourself the most when youf eel like the biggest tool on the planet.

That's what I'm doing.

And hopefully tomorrow a little outfit round up. Some thrifting talk and I will pick some shoes that are both cute and thrifty.

Homo Out.


witchyvixen said...

I do the same kinds of things, and while I know that makes absolutely nothing better I still want you to know that I do get it. I put back underwear, a bra, and two pairs of socks for myself today. Just couldn't bear to spend the money on me. Fucking UNDERWEAR! Like, that's a basic human right y'know? At least here in the US anyway. It ain't like it was designer draws either, total WalMart gear.

Anyway, I'm sending you some love over the internetz. I'm sending some extra for that bit you might not give yourself.

As long as it doesn't mean cereal and baloney every single day for a week, you should buy the cute shoes. It's an investment. Your feet will still be dry right? You'll just enjoy them being dry more.

- Gail

HellfireLover said...

Ah, I understand the dilemma. I had the same a wee while back - money for shoes, or money for bills. At the end of the day I said 'bugger it' and bought a decent pair of leather shoes (in the sale, or course.) I spend two long years before that being miserable, and denying myself basic clothing for various reasons.

My advice (fwiw): Get decent shoes that you like. Cheap make-do shoes will do you no favours at the end of the day.

mccn said...

Not only are you an adult who can buy nice shoes, if you want them - you also are an incredible human being, strong, beautiful, generously giving, a role model and mentor - and you absolutely DESERVE to have nice things that you want. You are WORTH those lovely shoes. There is nothing at all greedy about that.

(PS - my captcha is "rearmuse", which I thought you might find amusing.)

Jamie Longstreth Fritz said...

In shoes, you get what you pay for. Spend money on good shoes-it pays off in the long run. AND you deserve them. (And you'll get more wear out of quality footwear so it's a bargain in the long run.)

But mostly, you deserve them.

ChloeMireille said...

I just bought myself a new-to-me computer after my Old Faithful died on me. It's been 4 days and I'm still kicking myself for spending almost a week's pay on it.

Meanwhile, I know that if I hadn't, my sanity would have been in question.

Decisions like that have been especially hard since my uncle/breadwinner/3rd roommate died. My aunt and I bring home $1300/month combined, but bills tend to be around $850. It doesn't sound that bad until you find out that she's 75 and her pension is almost twice what I make.

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