Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I was his first fat lover.

Instead of doing my normal Thanksgiving thing I'm going to tell you guys a dirty story without being too dirty. And yes, there will be more of these once my essays are up and running. The process is a wee bit more complicated than I thought but Uniballer is helping me out with that.

I am very excited about doing this you guys. For reals tho.

I'm not going to use proper names but all of this actually happened when I was in my early 20's.

Cast of characters:
Yours truly.
The Boy whom we'll call Hot Booty.
My GayBoyfriend at the time.
A muscly gay man in booty shorts.
Muscly gay mans slightly less muscly boyfriend also in booty shorts.

So imagine if you will myself in my early twenties, rocking some short purple hair and in the middle of my body changing in ways I didn't get. No, not late puberty but my body was returning to normal after some disasterous dieting and hardcore exercising.

I was feeling very unsure of myself, I felt weird and ugly. My hair had been kinda thinning, my skin was a hot mess. I did not feel like any sort of sexy anything. My self esteem was heading for the shitter. As an antidote to that one of my friends GBF (gay boyfriend) ordered me to put on something sexy, get all tarted up and get my ass to his house.

OF course I went and was feeling at least sorta kinda cute. You know that feeling when you're not really sure if you look hot but you feel kinda hot, and then you just go with it because the opposite feeling really sucks? Yeah I was there.

So GBF and I got dressed up and went out for some drinks, then of course dancing. Dancing makes it all better. I love to dance and honestly it was the best thing for me.

At that point I had no intention of screwing anybody that night. I was going to dance, and possibly make out with a few of my favorite snoggable gay men. Cop a feel here and there and generally have a good damn time.

Cut to a few hours into the evening I was having a very fine time. I was of course dancing inappropriately with people, I recall being sandwhiched between a big muscly dude in booty shorts and boots (OMG, HAAAAAAAAAAAWT) and his smaller but equally cute boyfriend grinding away to the music.

Yeah it was that kind of night.

GBF drags me away from the boys and tells me that there's a Known Hottie checking me out. Hot Booty as I am calling him here was one of those guys that lots of people wanted to tap that ass. I wanted to do it with Hot Booty, GBF wanted to do it with Hot Booty (which was rare because we really didn't have the same taste in men) Hot Booty needed one of us to tap that ass.

Turns out Hot Booty and I knew each other more than I realized, we had some mutual friends and as he reminded me had spent awhile making out at another club and that did in fact want to tap my ass. I was shocked honestly.

At that time i was the fattest girl in my group of friends. Even when I was pretty thin for me I wasn't that thin and it was rough. Most of the time I didn't really feel as though I was ever that girl. I didn't feel like I would be the chick that a dude like Hot Booty would be lusting after.

And suddenly I was and it felt strange but pretty damn good.

GBF and I had a code. When one of us was about to run off to snog and/or leave with someone other than each other we did that Margaret Cho bit at each other (that of course I can't remember the whole thing now) but it revolved around us saying to each other something like, "You're a big girl now" and then there would be a bathroom run to make sure whichever of us was about to touch some hotness looked presentable.

It worked and usually it was him I was sending off into the wild sexy wonder but that night it was me.

I went home with Hot Booty. I went home with Hot Booty and as we exited the club he pulled me into a doorway and grabbed my ass and we made out like the world was about to end. You know teh kind of thing that can make other people uncomfortable but we didn't really care. And a few people walked by and cheered and clapped, he got the universal man signal of "YEAH DUDE" from a couple of passing dudes.

Yes it was not polite behaviour but it was fun and we were young.

Luckily for us and any passers by he lived fairly close by and we made it into his front door before clothes started coming off.

Once we got to his place he did something that made me a little uncomfortable at the time but thrilled me at the same time.

He got me entirely naked and just stared at my body like it was mother fucking Christmas and he just got that bike he'd been begging for all year. He looked at me like I was the best steak he'd ever seen and he was starving.

He looked at me like my chubby stomach and jiggly thighs were the best fucking thing ever.

I blushed, I ducked my head and kind of covered up because to that point I hadn't really had the experience of someone openly being awed at my body in an intimate moment.

After I got through my initial awkwardness and embarrassment I felt so damn good.

And I will say that we screwed like bunnies. After that he and I were friends, the friendly sort of booty call that can be so much fun when you don't feel like dating.

He told me later that I was the first (his term not my favorite but the sentiment was there) "Full figured" lady and how much he really loved my body. Like really loved it and I remember feeling like the most beautiful and hottest piece of ass in the whole world.

Prior to that I had a hard time really believing that anyone would really love or appreciate my body. I thought that anyone I slept with was settling for me or if they did really like me were just dealing with my body.

Long after he and I stopped sleeping together and our social circles drifted apart I still remember that look in his eye, I still remember the sudden and serious knowlege that I was a hot piece of ass and how that changed how I viewed myself in a lot of ways.

I am not going to blow smoke and give you the usual line about never putting your self esteem in someone else's hands. The platitudes are only true for so much. Sometimes it is a nice and valid thing to want to have that kind of outside affirmation of your hotness and that is ok.

Don't depend on it for everything, but wanting it sometimes is normal and yes I'm saying it again okay.

The moral of this wee tale is that you, yes you. You with your saggy boobs, furry ass, bony spine, fat rolls, bubble butt, big hips, big belly, whatever you're working with are hot. And somebody is going to look at your naked body in all your glory and to that person you are Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Year's all in one hot ass package.

Don't be afraid when it happens. Don't turn away. Don't hide yourself. Don't hold yourself back because you think there might be something wrong with your ass, don't hold out on your lovers because you think they don't love your body.

Love your body and let your lovers love your body.

Now go forth and love yourself. Yes in the literal sense. Let someone else love your body if you are so inclined.

No matter what your body looks like, you are the fucking bomb. Next time you doubt it, look at your nakedness in the mirror look yourself in the eye and say, "I am the fucking bomb Shannon says so."

Have a Happy Turkey day my American Homies.

And everyone else have a lovely weekend.

You may or may not hear from me as Nano winds down.

Myspace Text - http://www.sparklee.com

buy harry potter books

Homo Out.
Share/Bookmark

7 comments:

Frances said...

THIS STORY IS AWESOME.

"[He] just stared at my body like it was mother fucking Christmas and he just got that bike he'd been begging for all year. He looked at me like I was the best steak he'd ever seen and he was starving."

I know that look. My boyfriend gave me that look when we got together. And it was new and really fucking awesome for me too.

Premee said...

>>No matter what your body looks like, you are the fucking bomb.<<

Godfuckingdammit, I am delurking to say I LOVE YOU SHANNON. I loved this story so much and I needed to hear the moral of the story so, so badly today. Thanks for telling it!

yania said...

totally delurking too.

Love this.

I miss being on the receiving end of that look but the memory of it still puts some bounce (or wiggle) in my walk:)

Anonymous said...

I LOVE IT!

Oohh, to be a hot piece of ass. >w< It is wonderful... Made me smile and made me remember that it's Turkey day tomorrow and I'm gonna enjoy myself and not worry about jiggling anymore than I do because I deserve to enjoy it and I deserve to enjoy myself.

Now to go love myself. ^.~

-Lexie Di

JeninCanada said...

My hubby looks at me like I'm 'motherfucking Christmas' and I never realized it until now. Hot! <3 Great story, thanks for sharing it. Have a good weekend!

Anonymous said...

This is such a great post. I think this might be my favourite blog post of any blog I have ver read ever.

I love hearing the details about other peoples lives. I love these sort of stories. I love how you write them. I love how you present yourself and the morals you derive from them.

I will be absolutely ecstatic if you do more of these posts in future.

Thankyou SO SO MUCH.

- Anna

PatriarchySlayer said...

Wow, what an awesome blog. This is my first time looking at your blog, and I have to say that I just love it.
I have struggled with weight issues my entire life, and have always felt like I wasn't good enough based on that.
I don't know that I'll ever be "over it". I wish I could be like those beautiful, sexy women who accept their bodies exactly as is and flaunt what they got.
I just can't right now. Maybe someday. Thank you for that post. It made me smile, and made me realize that I'm not alone. That's enough for me.
Keep up the good work.

Subscribe To My Podcast