Friday, December 11, 2009

And that's what we call a failure of self esteem.

Okay wow.

Honestly I had a plan and derailed myself entirely.

This week I had big plans for launching my essay store and the other night after posting I had a moment of my self esteem at first stumbling a little then it went ass over tea kettle.

I don't feel like going into the gory details but suffice it to say I had a momentary crises.

However I will tell you the things that made me deflate.

I was/am so nervous about making non fiction that isn't regular blogging available.

Which led to me questioning the design of my pages and at some point the whole damn idea.

Now here is where things got shitty.

My self esteem issues tend to move from intellectual things and then into my body.

So this pants thing.

I've been wanting to not shop at Torrid. The fact is I find that the ratio of price vs quality control just does not work for me. Also most of their clothing just doesn't flip my happy switch.

BUTT (yes I used that form on purpose) the fact is I have yet to find pants from other stores that fit me right at all.

So Lane Bryant pants tend to not fit me correctly, Fashion Bug's pants meh, kinda fit but not really. So then we come to Old Navy.

I had 30$ that I was holding in tight fisted anticipation of buying these pants. Then BAM I got a coupon and was ready then my inner voice of fashion reason said, you know what happens between your ass and pants, get some on Ebay first. Also they did not have the size I thought I needed in black in stock.

So after lots of searching I found similar pants on Ebay for 4$. I got them. Meanwhile, I was able to try on a couple of other sizes of similar Old Navy pants because an acquaintance's girlfriend has a similar pants finding issue and didn't want to return them. So I tried on 3 sizes (except the one I bought on Ebay naturally)

The straight womans size 12 low rise pants fit me so weird. They were too tight in the upper thigh, too low rise (I'm pretty sure that if I bent over in them my butthole would have gotten air I had so much ass cleavage going) so those were out. Which got my spidey sense tingling that Old Navy mightn't be the way.

So then I tried the 14 in the same style and those fit in the thigh but fit very weird in the waistband which was a low belly area on me. Also they gave me serious camel toe which I'm not down with.

I tried on the Plus size 16 and they fell down. Just about to the top of my hips but if I took a step I'm pretty sure they would have slid right off of my ass. Which we can't have happening in the middle of winter.

So I figure that the regular womens size 16 pants I had won on Ebay would be perfectomundo. Which would then mean I could order at will from Old Navy directly when the original pants I wanted were back in stock.

Still with me?

So then the ebay pants came and they are very pretty. But they don't fit me very well. They are a mid-rise with a nice decorated waist band. Supposedly boot cut but they fit me more like wide legged trousers which is fine. But....

So the mid rise size 16 pants fit just over my belly button and just under my natural waist perfectly right out of the wash. But, they sag at the crotch and more sadly at the ass.

Uniballer says the saggy ass isn't too bad but when I wear them (I've worn them twice now) I feel so self conscious about how the pants just hang off of the back and at the crotch. And for some reason this week that really -really- upset me.

And when I say it upset me I kinda lost my shit and started hating.

My ass is not big enough to fill a pair of womens size 16 pants so, I got that bad feeling that my ass was just bad.

My proportions between waist and hip are strange and I felt like that was stupid and bad.

I kept being caught between being upset that I'm not just you know regular old fat or regular straight sized.

I kept thinking about how much easier my life would be if I was just a size 16 or just a size 12.

It spun out in my head in bad ways. I felt (still feel a little bit) like my body is just doing it all fucking wrong and that I would have to spend shitloads of money on bullshit and still not feel good.

It's taking a fuckload of effort to reel it in. And just deal with and acknowlege that yes, my size 12-14-16/L/XL/XXL ass fits specifically a Torrid size 12 bottom.

That's it.

That's not good. It's not bad. It just is.

It just fucking is.

I'm a little teary but fuck it's hard.

And honestly I get angry after I am sad about these things.

I get angry because there is so much time that I don't feel this way, when I do feel this way I feel like I am betraying a lot of my own core serious business values and that makes me fucking angry.

It makes me feel full of rage that I've only just in the last few years learned not to direct like a laser at myself.

I have to remind myself that I'm human and fragile.

That sometimes like most of us I am my own worst fucking enemy.

And while that's not a great thing it's not a terrible thing.

I can have these moments and then dig my heels in and pull out of it.


This. Talking about it, going through it and now working like fucking hell to pull myself out of it because goddamn it there is nothing wrong with my ass.

No, I will never EVER have the magnificent bubble butt that I have dreamt of having since I was a teenager.

No, I will probably never EVER be any kind of size that makes a lick of fucking sense.

I can really remember how much worse this problem was when I was thinner. How when I was thin and supposed to be living it up in that whole bullshit fantasy I was quite frankly miserable.

When I was at an "ideal" weight I felt like the ugliest most misshapen thing on the planet. I hated my body so much. I hated it from stem to stern. I hated that I worked out so hard and still had a jiggly ass. I hated that while my thighs lost some girth they were way out of proportion with the rest of my body. I hated that because I was so thin my already big tits looked freakish to me.

I am so thankful that I'm not that thin anymore.

I am also thankful that in the long run I am pretty happy with my body generally speaking. I like that at this weight I feel proportioned correctly to Shannon Specifications.

So yeah.

That's where I've been.

And now despite my ongoing misgivings and nerves the store is here.

Shannon's Essay Store.

Now before you go running to look keep some stuff in mind.

My web design skills are not super awesome. These pages are very plain and I do like them that way.

Also this is my first try at doing a store related type thing. There may be bugs. If you encounter any problems there are email contacts on most of the pages.

You can view some of my fiction on the Other Writings page.

Currently there are three essays available all under 3$ a pop. I plan to add a few more in the next few days.

And there I have vented my spleen my homies.

I am feeling a bit better. And I won't give advice when I'm in such a fucking state, I hate doing that. So as I'm feeling better I may have another go this weekend or vent my spleen some more I'm not certain.

I am certain that I am going to eat some delicious Thai food tonight. Leftovers of win.

I'm also going to sit back and take a breath.

I'm ok.

Now later my homies and haters. Thank you for letting me vent my spleen.


Anonymous said...

i know it's hard. i wish we could all detach from the idea that some bodies or body parts are 'good' or 'bad, 'wrong' or 'right'. we are made the way we are-there shouldn't be any value or judgment attached to that, but there so often is.
buy what fits, if you can, when you can-the fashion industry is so silly and often assumes everyone is made the same way. millions of women struggle with sizing issues, big or small-that is the fashion industry's fault, NOT YOURS!!!
and your store/page looks great, and you rock, and good for you for being able to share your vulnerability this way. have a good night :)

witchyvixen said...

Shannon, beautiful Shannon. Articulate and wise Shannon. Shannon the Good. Shannon the Brave. Our noble and vivacious Shannon. I know. When that shit hits and won't let go, when it sinks those vicious teeth in and shakes you like a rag, I know.

I know it is next to impossible to do your REAL thinking when the monster has you in its teeth, but when you are able to take a deep breath please remember WHO YOU ARE. You are Shannon, and you are beautiful. Even if you were not beautiful you would still be Shannon, and by God that would be wonderful enough by itself.

I'm turning this one around on you. Go to the mirror and say to your reflection, "I am Shannon. I am beautiful and I am pretty fucking amazing. Gail said so!!"

RachelH said...

I was going to try and say something reassuring, but I can't beat what Witchyvixen said, so just go back and read that comment a bunch more times :)

wriggles said...

We all fall down the pit at some time or another.

I'm learning to be thankful for the confused feelings that I get now, rather than the freefall into vituperative self hate of yore.

And may I say, your description of your trews agonistes was not only beautifully expressed, but laugh out loud funny:

they gave me serious camel toe which I'm not down with.

= an explosion of snorts and laughter.

I hate it when you feel like you've earned a piece of clothing you can believe in but have to settle.

It's like the universe just doesn't care, it always upsets.

Here's to finding an unexpected joy.

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