My self image has been suffering.
It's been really cold out and my ass has been cold and last night while I was in the tub and (yes I KNOW how silly this is) trying to roll my abdominal muscles in a certain way it hit me.
This whole pants thing is not new.
It's not new to my fat body because I have Always Had Problems with Pants.
When I was a size 5-7 for I dunno about a year or so I had two pairs of pants. One pair of Mudd mid rise dark blue slightly bootcut jeans and one pair of black jean style pants that were a weird poly blend of bullshit.
At that size I tried clothes on with impunity, I tried them on everywhere and had this SAME MOTHER FUCKING PANTS PROBLEM.
Up until my mid twenties I really did not have many pairs of pants at one time. One reason is that I really prefer skirts and dresses. The other reason is.....finding pants that fit is epic.
All this time I have been in such an angsty angry bad place. That bad feeling like there is something just wrong about my body ebbed and flowed tidally. Even looking at some of the ill fitting ass covers I have I felt upset inside. Not the kind of up top of the brain upset but the worse (for me) insidious kind that hides behind every day bullshit and then SURPRISE it's right there and I'm upset.
Last night while looking down my naked body I realized that the problem is proportion.
My body is not proportioned in a way that makes pants shopping easy. It never has been and will never be.
It really doesn't matter what size my ass area is. Smaller, bigger whatever.
I had to really lay there (until the water got cold and I had to refill) and let it sink in.
I won't bullshit you guys and say I'm totally over it because I'm not.
It's still a rough thing, it feels bad. I'm not as miserable as I was but it's still hard.
There are things that make it better.
At Uniballer's behest we are having a very Old Navy holiday. We got ourselves some really nice things. I got some of the shirts I love from there and a clearance dress. he got some nice pants and it's good.
RH sent me the most lovely present from Torrid. Those Dickie's pants.
Oh the pants.
I squee'd so loud when I opened the box and tried them on.
HOly fucking SHIT DICKIE'S WHAT THE FUCK?
Those super cute pants that are supposedly mid-rise.
Those pants, seriously have about a 3.5" rise. I'm talking the waist band came just over the top of my fucking pudenda.
I called Torrid because the picture is misleading, they look midrise on the model who is probably 5-6" taller than I am and so reason says the rise would be fine.
I was appalled. Honestly.
Even if I were thin, pants with a just barely covers the cooch kind of cut are not for me. So I'm going to trade them in for something else. I also sent a note to Dickies.
Hi there. I was given a pair of your Dickie's girl for Torrid boot cut twill pants. I have to say the fit on them is appalling for something marketed for a plus size customer a very very low rise, small thigh and short/no butt room is a really poor representation of your brand. Torrid was under the impression that this was a mid rise pant which they are clearly not unless mid rise now means just above crotch level, the rise is shorter than my middle finger. Please -please- in the future give Torrid correct information as it is really disappointing to get something so off from what you're expecting. I have been wearing Dickie's brand clothes for a very long time and have never had such an issue with anything made by your company. It would be really nice to see a well cut pair of Dickie's pants (Personally I like the style of the Torrid pants the fit and pattern are the issues) that allow room for things like butts and thighs. As a consumer I will probably not be buying more of your products any time soon and I'll be letting other plus size consumers know about my experience. I think that the plus size options directly from you are incredibly limited and unfortunately is not a good representation of your brand. If you don't want to make plus size clothes just don't, it's better to not have any than to make them badly.
I feel better.
Now that I'm on the emotional mend tomorrow advice for two homies.
And more advice.
Probably some end of year naval gazing.
As for me I'm going to drink some delicious tea and plot for spring. And after Chrismakwanzukuh plot to go buy some leggings and things to keep warm.
Remember I love you guys.
I really really do and I'm so thankful so many of you are so awesome. You too lurkers.
Thank you for being in the universe.