Thursday, May 28, 2009

HNT and] more.

First up this weeks HNT self portrait.

DSCF3123b

That is my hair after I've let it down from my bun and have spent some time playing with it.

I was trying to evoke a sense of movement there and kind of made it to what I was trying for. I will probably put a couple of the other ones I took up over at Flickr tonight or tomorrow.

Everywhere folks in the Fat community are talking about Meme Roth and her crazy. To tell you the truth, I hadn't paid overmuch attention to Ms. Roth's vitriol mainly because from the jump all I heard was, "CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH".

Rachel over at F-Words did some research on Ms. Roth and her findings interest me.

Mainly because I think this sort of heavy handed misdirection is dangerous.

I think this sort of thing is especially dangerous for those of us who might be prone to eating disorders.

If you are already on the verge of disorder and find a cheerleader who's telling you FUCK YEAH GO GO GO GO, that is not good.

If Ms. Roth was coming from a place of love and being as ignorant as she tends to be, I think I personally would forgive her a little. However, her methods and the things she says just makes me sad.

As I've said before that whatever message you may have, delivering it in a hateful spiteful and yes insane way, is probably not going to win the whole shebang.

How tiring.

Actually I had way more to say but it's a beautiful day, Meme Roth is depressing and I'm not in the mood.

So let's talk about something else shall we?

Let's talk about interesting compliments for a moment.

Earlier today I had a lady stop me to tell me that she thinks that I am an "elegant" dresser.

It just tickled me blue because this lady is an older (I'd say late 50's or so) fairly snappy dresser herself. I would describe her style as very classic, lots of tailored things in pastels etc. I said thank you and went on about my day.

What really tickled me is that she who clearly has a vastly different aesthetic to mine has that magical ability to appreciate the different. I think sometimes this is why the Fatshionista community bugs me sometimes. This may be my own shit and I fully own that but I can't say I'm not really disappointed when someone with an aesthetic that's not trendy or brightly colored gets the round of, "wear color" do this do that.

Or the questions about whether or not the outfit is appropriate etc.

That really bums me out.

Why do that?

If in theory it's an awesome and good thing to embrace and normalize a variety of differing bodies, how is it so hard to extend that to a variety of differing styles?

There is some disconnect there that I see and often just can't figure out how to point out nicely or without saying, don't be a dick.

I think this is my beef with a lot of fashion discussion in general.

I personally don't subscribe to, pay attention to or deal with any sort of fashion rules aside from I can't go to work topless.

I just do not understand why there are always so many supposed rules. Why?

Why not be happy someone is doing their thing and enjoying it?

I think this is one of those great life mysteries that I will just never understand.

If someone is doing their thing and not hurting me, not hurting other people etc why fuck with them about it or talk shit?

I really think a lot of life would be so much easier if we just quit fucking with each other.

Someone wants to rock some acid green spandex booty shorts and tie dyed titty sling? Rock it.

Whatever it is, as I have said before don't grudge people some happy.

Does crushing up Cheetoes and snorting them make you happy? Um ew and be careful but GO ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF.

So the moral here my homies, is relax. You don't have to approve of everybody. And even if you don't approve sometimes there is just no reason to voice that because at the end of teh day, your discomfort or dislike of something is probably not gonna change it and that's a waste of your precious energy.

Okay I am so distracted I can't concentrate at all.

So I must send some damn dirty hippy love, Chris of course (who's books in my email I am devouring and plan to write about in detail), even some dirty hippy love for Meme Roth who clearly needs it, and of course my readers.

I have some homework for you tonight, at some point lean close to a mirror so you are eye to eye with yourself and say firmly and with authority,

"Shannon thinks you are fucking awesome, and she is right."

Do this at least once and report back.

For extra credit, take a moment alone no matter how you get it and geek out.

When I say geek out I mean flail your arms, shake your ass, bounce in your wheel chair, lean on your cane and do a little noddy dance, booty shake, shake your boobs, do this for however long it takes you to start laughing.

For super extra credit, do it with friends and family even your pets.

That's all, class dismissed.

Homo Out.

PS...if you get a chance I HIGHLY suggest making a stranger laugh for no good reason.
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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

In the fatness...and the um..

The above title references nothing save something I was just singing to myself.

First of all, as always I love you guys. And you too Lurker Lurkerson.

Now okay I've talked about April Flores AkA FattyD before but holy hot damn she's doing a clothing line. Fat hot ass fashion (NSFW linky there) as announced today. I am very excited to see what she comes up with.

What else?

Oh I was re-reading an entry about Weight Watchers over at F-Words today via I think um...Queer Fat Femme? and being that I don't watch TV I had no idea Janeane Garafolo was doing their voice overs.

I have to tell you folks I'm not mad at her.

I have been a big fan since I first heard her comedy but I get it.

I can't be mad that she needs to earn a paycheck because I do shit I don't really want to in order to earn one. So I can't hold a grudge.

If I were in her position, regardless of how much it might piss me off I can't say I wouldn't have lost the weight and done the bullshit to get roles.

On the self portrait front I hit a bit of a snag.

I took a crapload of snaps that just did not turn out as I wanted at all so I'm starting over. I might try some body part images since my full body shots are not what I want.

To tell you guys the truth I'm hitting that wall o frustration at the pace at which I am learning these things.

I get really impatient with myself when my skills are not where I want them to be. Especially when it's arty related.

I'm working on that but I want to be awesome right now not eleventybillion pictures from now.

What else?

I'm a little stuck on random today I've been editing fiction and my head is about to straight up blow up.

I think there is a possibility for make up etc videos. Uniballer told me that his mostly broken camera will do vids while hooked up to my computer. I am really not good at this sort of technology so figuring out the logistics and how to's will take me a bit.

Probably tomorrow I am going to do a product review on the Cheekan. I've been roadtesting some stuff that I am super excited about.

While I am excitable and nearly brain dead pimp your links.

Show me your links, random stuff you've found. Whatever awesomeness you have.

With that my homies and haters I'm out. My brain needs a rest and some time to eye fabric on the ebay.

Incidentally, operation mend clothing was a semi success unlike operation give self braids. I also found that I have a skirt that is quite floofy and that I don't recall buying but whateva. I plan on wearing it on a day the wind isn't blowing quite so hard because I don't have any booty shorts cute enough to risk showing em to the world.

Homo Out.




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Monday, May 25, 2009

What do we say?

This is going to be a thoughty/rambly post I'm warning you now.

However I will first report that Operation Give Self Braids was a fantastic failure. Read all about it here in my hair journal.

Okay.

First have a looksy at this post by Etana over at Fatshionista. Which was sparked by the announcement of a new blogger over at Shapely Prose A Sarah. Go ahead I'll wait.

So my thoughts on the diversity thing.

First let's make things perfectly clear.

Criticism when it is thoughtful and not made personal is not picking on people. I am a seriously firm believer in the idea that if you really care about an issue, or a group that you are willing to be a squeaky wheel in order to make it better.

Secondly, I don't know anybody in the Fatosphere personally. No seriously I don't. To tell you the truth I don't even remember how I got involved to begin with at all. Anybody remember?

Thirdly, let's get my point of view perfectly crystal clear.

I am a queer woman of color. I am mid range fat you could say. I am working class poor. This is not a strictly fat related online web journal and never has been. I've been journaling under this moniker for something like seven years or so. I talk about a lot of stuff. It's my litterbox I can and will talk about whatever I want.

Now, I will say that if you are looking for all fat all the time this is not the blog to be reading.

For a primer on some of my (toward teh bottom also, mega cleavage in that post) opinions on race look at these entries. I'm not rehashing all of that right now.

Last thing, I am not bullshitting here. I'm not going to alter my perceptions, put it gently or whatever. So if you're feeling delicate or your sensibilities are tender skip it.

Now after reading both posts (Etana's and the one at SP) and all of the comments I will say a few things.

First impression is that I am again disappointed. I am disappointed that people still cannot fathom or don't want to even try to understand that yes race intersects with my experience of fatness (note I am using personal pronouns here because I am not the Dowager Empress of Black People and can only speak for my own feelings) and has contributed mightily to my over all experience and point of view in life.

To tell you the truth it really pisses me off. I feel disrespected and marginalized when the fact that I am a Person of Color gets glossed over or is shunted into something that's invisible thereby negating the idea that diversity of perspectives and people is an unimportant thing.

That is a straight off the top gut thing. Not a deep thought thing.

Once I get past that initial feeling I don't honestly believe that it's Kate's or any of the other SP contributors job to further diversity. I think if people are in fact wanting more diversity in FA they need to seek it out and not rely on the Big Name folks to get it done for them.

On the other hand, at some point if you are saying you want this that or the other thing(diversity of voice whatever) you need to not talk about it and do it. I've spent a lot of time hearing one thing but not seeing it in action and it bugs me.

So my initial reaction was yay A Sarah whomever you are but, wow I really don't care all that much.

That's my first off the top, emotional, not braining yet reaction.

After thinking about it here is how I feel.

Now as for who's voices are being heard.

Over the years I've been involved with a lot of activist type things where at some point media attention happens. I've learned a lot and this isn't exclusive to FA but these are my impressions.

When you have a movement often the people who are getting the coverage, the readers, the press what have you fall into two camps. Yes, these are huge generalizations I realize this. Stay with me.

On one hand you have the nut cases. Media loves the extreme and often will find the most whacked out person to be the "example" of whatever group. It happens.

The other camp tends to be the most palatable to the masses person they can find. That person will often be an educated white person. Someone non-threatening, who talks pretty and whatnot.

Now when it comes to FA a lot of new people are drawn to the big names. And don't front we know there are in fact Big Names.

That is perfectly natural.

Also, a lot of people new to FA might likely not be comfortable being here with yours truly. A lot of folks are white folks who are not yet comfortable being immersed in the world of a person of color. That is the truth. Some people, aren't yet comfortable examining their privilege, or being called on it. Some people (I'd wager a lot of people) are totally adrift in conversations that involve race beyond maybe what they heard in high school about the history of the civil rights movement.

Being exposed to the reality of people of color can be a really overwhelming thing. There can be fear, grief, shame. I know (at least two people have told me personally) that they are too ashamed and intimidated because they had no idea about the realities of race and racism.

If you are one of those people baby it's ok.

No it is. It's okay because I don't expect humans to walk around fully informed. If you need to lurk about here or even if you need to not read when I talk about race for awhile that's okay.

What isn't okay is the idea that these things are not important. That is where the shit starts hitting the fan and I get angry.

The reason it's important to me in a nutshell is because I don't spend any time ever not fully aware of my skin color. Not a single day since I became aware there were differences in skin color. That is why it's important to me.

Moving along.

Being a person of color in FA is sometimes not awesome.

As with a lot of other of my interests being a minority in a minority is sometimes tiring.

I battle quite often with when I feel like reminding people that they are saying or doing something that has a racisty (yes I made up that word shut up) flavor.

I'm 32 years old and you know what, it's tiring to feel like I have to be or want to be the Educating Negress all the time.

On the other side of it, I am deeply honored when people are comfortable coming to me to ask their questions about my experience as a Person of Color. When someone feels comfortable telling me that they had never thought about something until I talked about it, or never thought about how it might feel to be in whatever situation that makes me feel good.

Sometimes it is a lot of pressure and I feel weird and like I might be power tripping in my own brain and I don't like that. It happens. I usually get over myself.

And being that I am not the Dowager Empress of Black People, I can't speak for the masses. All I can talk about is my own experience.

That experience is one that is manifested and was created by a multitude of things not the least of which are the color of my skin, my queerness, growing up poor, being a poor working adult just barely hanging onto the edge, being an author, being kinky, liking the sort of fatshions I like, my love of glamour and make up, the art I love and that moves me, by what I've seen, where I've been.

That is my purpose here.

If I'm going to be honest I want to show you folks who might have never really been friends with a queer/Black person/lady/gender fucker/person like myself.

I want to be a window into a world that is not yours.

I want to be a mirror because even if you're from a whole other world, I would bet you dollars to Voodoo Donuts that there is a commonality in our worlds.

I want to be a place where someone who might not be into FA can come and read about body issues and not feel kicked out, I want to be a place where my very thin folks can read and nod along, where my super fat (but only if you're wearing your cape, I must have rules) homies can come and not feel weird because our bodies aren't the same, I want to welcome you folks who are kinda like, uh this chick is weird and I don't get it but I kinda dig it.

You see what I'm saying here?

I want to be one of those people you run across in life that if some question you know is weird and jack assy, but you just have to ask someone, fuck it come ask me.

The truth is folks, I'm a big ole hippy.

My ultimate goal is that you all love yourselves. Even if you hate me and think I'm a fucker, love yourself.

I want us all to keep on heading for that point on the horizen where we can all feel like we matter, that we have voices that need to be heard, that we all have a place in the world.

I want to lead the parade.

And I want people to know they aren't alone when they feel shitty or down. Or when they can't figure out how to have an orgasm, or how to find a pair of shoes, or how to thrift shop, or how to buy make up.

It's a sacred thing to me to share the knowledge I have. I very seriously believe that it is imperative to my growth as a human being to hold out my hand when I can and help people when I can.

It makes my soul feel good.

So okay this has been rambly and I did warn you.

If you made it through all that bravo and thank you I do appreciate it.

Yes, even if you just came here to point and laugh at the delusional fatty. Whateva.

All this said, I'm off my darlings. I have some other writing that needs to be done. I also really need some real food. I also need some tea and to meditate for a minute so I don't try and stab myself in the eye while doing my screen writing homework.

An aside, dudes screen writing is fucking hard but I'm learning it. See my first completed assignment from my book head to the lj.

Lastly, to all those who've served and are serving now. Thank you.

Homo Out.
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Friday, May 22, 2009

Of Fluffy hair and a weekend project.

So it's Friday and I am SO glad mother fucking Fail week is over.

In light of that I am going to share with you my weekend plans.

I am going to attempt to give myself braids.

Yarn braids.

Now I am opting for that because I am not the best braider in the world and I have a fuck ton of black yarn.

It will probably take me all weekend no lie.

If you're not on the lj the other day I was talking about my latest round of studies. I'm teaching myself how to write screen plays properly. I am excited about doing it but it's really difficult because I don't really get the form.

I am also probably going to have to make some clothing repairs.

See internets (more confessions) I have a strange and insatiable love for vintage slips. And before you ask yes I wear them as outerwear as often as underwear. And I have a few of them that are ailing and sitting in a little silky shiny pile that need some hand mending.

I love slips. LOVE THEM and I don't know why internets. I especially love older ones. I have one faaaaaaaaaaaabulous full length red ply nightmare of one that has lacy bits between the boobies and I love it. I have been known to wear it as a sundress or as a slip under this transparent full length dress thingy I have.

So yeah, that is another of those occasionally questionable fashion choices.

And shit yes I will rock one of my half slips with some torn up fishnets and big stompy boots. Especially with a black mens ashirt. I'm good to go.

I also have a couple of skirts I think I want to try adding a little gore to in order for them to fit more comfortably.

That is a lot of hand work and braids take priority so I might not get to that.

I really need to do laundry too. In a bad way.

Okay I have to go back to the slips and tore up fishnets thing for a minute.

I just had such a vivid memory I have to share.

So picture your hostess more than a decade ago. Clad in an outfit as mentioned, torn fishnets, four inch solid platform boots, tank top and bondage belt, carrying a shiny black purse and sporting a bright purple short curly do kinda like Marilyn Monroe wore when her hair was shorter.

Now picture said me stomping along Broadway (yes the Broadway from the Sir Mix A Lot song), I was stomping because I had a mad insane crush of DOOOOOOOOOOOM on this older dyke who worked in a little shop in the area, and I was on a mission to ask her on a date.

I can't remember what she looked like or her name but I do remember that she had these creamy ivory colored round plump arms that slayed me. I wanted nothing more than to squeeze her repeatedly.

I was on a mission and had pumped myself up for two weeks. I mean pumped myself up like you don't even know.

I grow some and finally that day decide to ask her out only to find out she's like twenty five years older than I was and happily married to a pretty lady hippy for like fifteen years.

I went to one of my baby homo's place to cry and play dress up.

Ahhh memories.

So I'm about done. I'm going home soon I'm all out of random and I was promised a cheeseburger. A cheeseburger give me it.

So I will leave you with my self portrait of the week.

DSCF3010b

That is me, full face of make up but still in my jammies with uncombed hair. I think this shot says a lot about me in general.

I leave you my homies, you need to tell me what's new and fabulous. Gimme yer links, show me yer fotos, show me yer awesome videos and whatever else. I'm open..HIT ME.

Homo Out.
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Thursday, May 21, 2009

Secrets revealed.

Pardon if this goes all over the place I'm on day three of a migraine. Thankfully it's finally in a downturn but still.

I started a thinky post about some stuff I find to be bullshit but I'm not in the mood.

So instead I'll answer a couple of random questions I've gotten lately via my webform thingy.

Someone wanted to know why I don't post in either the Inbetweenie or Fatshionista communities on LJ.

The latter mainly because I am well aware of the uh, discomfort of some of the community with smaller fat folks and I just don't want to deal with how I feel about that in any kind of confrontational (as in confrontation with myself) way. I quite honestly hate feeling like I'm making someone uncomfortable. Granted, I'd prefer not to feel that way but it is how I feel.

Also, to tell you the truth there are some things I've been hearing about my clothes for the last twenty years that I don't want to hear ever again namely:

"You should wear more color"

-Not my thing. Yes I can appreciate and enjoy color but my personal aesthetic is not that. Granted I'm no longer the uber fancy goth of awesome I used to be but still. I'm over hearing about it and explaining it.

"I wish that was tighter/more form fitting/more flattering"

-I know people generally mean well with these types of comments but if I am in the mood to wear something form fitting I will. If I'm not I don't.

Also I generally don't really like trying to figure out how to politely tell someone that I am not into wearing their aesthetic. And while I'm being honest sometimes the community just gets set on asshole cycle and in order not to get myself banned I don't participate.

So mostly I comment when I feel like it, if I have info someone asks about I'll volunteer.

Essentially it boils down to me not feeling comfortable enough there to participate actively. I've fought the feeling in the past but, yeah it's still there and it's better for me to just not.

And I will admit that being that I really can't afford a lot of the options offered when I have asked advice I just don't.

As far as Inbetweenies goes, I'm not all that comfortable there yet either for the most part. Mainly because I don't know the dynamics since it's only recently been more active.

And really, I have my own litterbox right here to thrill the masses with my occasionally questionable fashion choices.

Speaking of.

OMG.

I bought a pair of platform mother fucking flipflops on ebay.

I am in love. The thong part hurts my toes a little but I've been assured I will get used to that. I think my discomfort is mostly psychological because I'm weird about my feet.

I must confess I have never have a professional pedicure because I can't stand having people touch my feet.

I might let Uniballer tug on my toe, or I might put my feet on him when they are cold but OMG even thinking about someone touching my feet makes me cringe. No really it does. When I went to a podiatrist I barely let him touch my toes.

In case you haven't noticed I've been on a bit of a confessional spree lately.

I feel like I want to be more authentic to how I'm actually feeling. That's something I've been working on and I want to share it with you guys because, it's fucking hard.

Moving along.

We all know I develop massive crushes on random people and I have to tell you that my ever growing girl crush on Mollena has reached critical mass.

Not in small part because in this picture (yeah totally NSFW). There is something that makes my little black heart swell with awesome because from that particular angle, in a moment of gravity defiance her boob looks like mine.

I have this weird fascination and love of boobies that are similar to either of mine in size or shape. I've seen Miss Hotness there pretty nekkid in pictures and her nipples are bigger than mine but that particular picture made me squee.

Also, I will tell you that stumbling on her blog (was it one of you guys that pointed me that way? Twitter? Fuck I don't remember) was a breath of fresh chocolatey air of awesome.

It's hard to describe just how happy it makes me to meet (even if only on the intertubes)other kinky black folks. It is in fact mother fucking awesome.

What's more, it's been a pretty damn long time since I've had the experience of uh, fuck how to put it. It's been a long time since I've stumbled onto the words of another woman of color that had me nodding, getting a little tingly in the ladyparts and laughing and smiling and thinking, I really need to talk to this person.

So because I am in this kind of super hippy powers activate mood, let me say all loud and in public, Mollena you are fucking awesome. And thank you for breaking up the overhwelming thin whiteness of my sex related readings. Thank you. I appreciate it and I really hope some day I get to take a class from you.

So yeah I think I'm spent.

I'm a tired lil fucker.

I need a nap and some pie.

Homo Out.
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Friday, May 15, 2009

The Truth Behind yours truly.

Okay internets, I must make some confessions.

I am not always as seemingly flawless as my intertubes transmissions may have led you to think.

I am an arm flapping, flailing, prone to epic spillage, squealing, weird noise making odd ball.

My super Fatty Powers include but are not limited to:

  1. Tripping over invisible objects.
  2. Tripping over blowing leaves that I think may be small animals.
  3. Gas.
  4. Terrible depth perception which often results in the aforementioned epic spillage.
  5. I make up words and use them with impunity.
  6. I often have a (much to the horror of people who know and love me)serious love of really ugly and tacky things.
  7. I say very weird and inappropriate things then laugh if only to amuse myself.



So my big admission is my homies, I'm kind of an epic dorkface.

If my house were ever bugged the listeners wouldn't know whether to point and laugh or run screaming.

SO

I started this Friday but yeah forgot.

So operation thrifting was only a semi success. I was really not digging the selection at Goodwill this weekend. Two MAJOR wins though. I picked up some very good condition Easy spirit sandals that are SO comfortable. Holy shit you guys, you guys holy shit. 4 dollars of soft comfy mother fucking win. And they fit my wider right foot and are still comfortable on my more narrow left foot. WIN.

They have added an actual plus size selection but it was quite honestly made of fug. Lots of those blocky print bright colored balloon shaped things. Not awesome.

However I did pick up two skirts. One very cute black with a flounce kneelength skirt and one with blue and green circles. And a new with tags Nordstrom vneck lace trimmed cami. I paid four dollars and the tag price was 38. And side bar here, who the fuck pays almost forty dollars for essentially a plain black cami with some lace on the neck?

I also remembered to take some outfit pics. I finally got to wear my party dress. I bought this adorably kinda tacky black dress back in November on Ebay and have been frothing at the mouth waiting for it to be warm for me to wear it. Yesterday I had intended to wear a black velvet skirt but I was massively bloated (YAY mensruation) and wanted nothing tight or form fitting. So I present you with mah party dress.

Thrifty summer dress.

There is no brand tag but it's supposedly an XL. I think it might be a maternity dress and I don't care I love it. What you can't really see in the pic is that there are long tulle strips and that bit around my neck is ribbon that I tied halter style because I was on the move and didn't want to get those bits caught in bus hardware. No seriously that would happen to me. I felt comfortable and super cute. Also rocking the headscarf because there was (is right now) conditioner in my hair. Now those shoes are super adorable. Black patent with embossed skulls on the toes but OMFG they suck. ThEY SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. They are the most uncomfortable flat shoes I've ever owned.

And no I'm not smiling because this was post outing and my feet hurt and the sun was in my eyes. Here is a close up of what made me fall in love with this dress. The flowers. The shrug is also thrifted Torrid. I got this NWT on ebay for something like 8$ with the 35$ price tag still on it.

Warm weather dressing.

I LOVE those flowers. Love them. Is it kinda a little tacky? Probably and I don't caaaaaaaaaare.

Now for todays outing I wore a skirt that is on my favorites list. I bought this probably eight or nine years ago on clearance in a little no name "boutique" type store. Now what I love about this skirt is that the waist is entirely adjustible. It goes from 00 to up around a 50" waist or so I haven't measured it in a long time. It's gauzy and perfect for summer. I love ultra long skirts that swish around my ankles when I walk. I hold up the hem when I go up stairs so I don't fall down. The cami is thrifted Torrid size 0. Another super cheap find. The skirt isn't striped that's just shadow.

DSCF3063b

And my awesome comfy shoes.

DSCF3051b

And the verdict is, this is how I like to dress in summer. Skirts, tanks. Fairly simple.

I'm collecting some accessories. I was out of love with them for a long time but the love is coming back.

Also awesome? Neither of these outfits cost more than 30$ in their entirety. Thrifting can be SWEEEEEEEEEEEEET.

I must say the good part of my thrifting expedition was Uniballer and I picked up some books and again I remembered to ignore size tags if it's something that's stretchy. Remember my homies, when in doubt try it on don't put it back.

Um yeah that's about it. I just got home from todays outing which included going to the seafood buffet because I love seafood but can't afford to eat as much as I like so once in awhile Uniballer and I go to a local buffet and I systematically destroy shellfish. And a fruitfrul trip to walgreens where I picked up some stuff I will review next week at the Cheekan.

Happy day.

All right. See y'all tomorrow.

Homo Out.




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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A few things.

It rained some so I can breathe without drugs and I'm clear headed today so I have to say a few things.

First off, most importantly I have the best mother fucking readers on the internets.

You guys give me great advice and insight and I really appreciate it. I appreciate it so much I would like to come to each and every one of your houses, have a cuddle and share some pie.

However being that I am not that kind of super mega rich and I really hate to fly, it's the thought that counts right?

What else?

Oh late last night (I don't know why I've been doing the late night blogging thing lately it's weird) I did part two of my Fabulosity on a Budget series over at The Cheekan. And as always if you have questions or show offs of your hauls or whatever share them with me I love them.

What else?

Uniballer (my partner, I will get a cast list up at some point) and I are going thrifting this weekend. So operation clothe the fatty is on. I will bring my camera so I can show you guys whatever I find. One of you folks sent me in a very thoughtful question about the inbetweenie experience and I am working on it.

Now before that post goes up let me make a few things entirely clear.

My experience in my body in my life does not negate your experience or make your experience any less than. It might just be different. I am really honored that anybody thinks I am a good person to ask these questions so I want to work at making it a good experience.

That said, some of what I say may or may not rub your fur the wrong way and we can talk about it but, let's remember. My experience is not the inbetweenie experience.

Oh wait...WAIT.

You guys know how much I really love Sarah Katherine Lewis right? I enjoy her writing, I think she is a beautiful person. You can see her lovely face right down there on her banner on my blog. She mentioned me in an interview at Pop Matters guys. It's a really good interview (and yes I do suggest you read her books) anyway but holy SHIT that's my name.

That makes me so happy and honored and good feeling I want to cry. No I really do want to.

Wow.

I also got another note from the ever lovely M.Christian (one of my serious favorite authors ever) and he is just wonderful. (HI! this is where you picture me waving madly at my monitor).

I know I'm heading into damn dirty hippiness right now but, I am so thankful that there are so many wonderful beautiful soul having people in the world. I really am. There are so many things that suck in the world, it's a blessing to know that there is light and glittery gorgeousness residing in people.

It's a beautiful thing.

You all of you are beautiful things.

BEAUTIFUL.

YOU RIGHT THERE ARE BEAUTIFUL AND LOVED.

All caps, that's right I'm yelling.

I totally forgot what I was actually going to talk about. I'm too busy shooting love rays all over teh internets.

That sounded way dirtier than I intended.

So I'm going to make myself some French Press Kona.

Do some writing.

Bask in the love.

Homo Out.

PS...I think I will show you some of my wardrobe fails. I bought some stuff on Ebay with a vision in mind that did not turn out uh...well let's say.




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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Fatty Fatshion Musings.

So I'm cruising around the intertubes and came upon some items I FRIGGING LOVE.

However not a one comes in a size over a smallish size 10 or so.

Now, I quite frankly don't want to pay an extra fifty dollars for about three inches of fabric. I am not a "odd" size (something I saw on a listing on Etsy for an item that the largest it comes is with a size 30" waist. Anything over 30" is apparently "odd") I am a size. And I think it would stand to reason that if you can make an item in every size from 20" waist to a 30" waist 34" wouldn't be that fucking hard?

Now I have seen a lot of DIY and indie designers who've had their fashions ripped off and I get how angry that must make them, however if your market is so slim (literally and figuratively) can you blame someone for knocking it off?

As they say necessity is the mother of all invention and if you as a retailer or aspiring retailer know you're not providing services for someone, do you blame them for doing it for themselves?

Granted I know that I would not be able to knock off everything I like but, that's not going to stop me from trying honestly.

I don't like being sized out of price gauged because of the state of my ass.

That said, I do have a bit of an ew feeling if I know what I might be doing is someone else's bread and butter but, I don't know if my ew feeling overwhelms my want for a product that's not vastly overpriced.

There are some retailers and indie folks I feel I would be comfortable buying from at some point who aren't screwing the fat folks. I appreciate that and when it happens I will do full pic reviews.

However, there's a lot of stuff that is just not available and really makes me wanna step up my sewing skills and get 'er done to quote Larry the Cable guy.

I really just am not sure how I feel about this right now.

Help me out homies?

Is it ew to willfully knock off someone else's design to suit your own needs or should I just put on my big girl panties and man sized ass kicking boots and make it work?

So I'm gonna go deal with the hot mess that is my hair. I did a beautiful pony tail rollerset yesterday but my hair got drizzled on and winded and it is tangled and angry so I must remedy that.

BUT.

I made a new slideshow video. I still haven't yet figured out how to use the equipment I have to make a live action video but I like this one. Featuring free music from NIN.

And tomorrow watch for another Fabulous on a budget make up entry on the Cheekan. And since my skin has chilled out, some make up pics.

Homo Out.




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Friday, May 08, 2009

Advice...but it's not sexytimes.

This weeks question comes from a homie we'll call Love.

This isn't exactly a question about sex. Maybe general relationships, but it's kind of a mess in my head. I really like your style of thinking and the straightforward advice that you've given others and I hope you can help me organize my thoughts a little bit, even if they aren't fully pertinent to your blog (which I totally love).

I started to type out my question, and it very quickly devolved into a history of my life. which I'm not sure would be fun reading. Basically, it comes down to the fact that I almost always feel like an outsider.

How can I tell what peoples' intentions are when I start relationships, romantic or otherwise? I worry that they just want a sassy, fat minority sidekick, or that they're dating me just for the stereotyped perceptions about everything from my race to my style of clothing. I never figure these things out until I've made way too much of an emotional investment and I end up getting seriously burned. And this happens a lot. What can I do


First of all I LOVE that you have asked this question Love and it is in fact pertinent. Cause I am made of the random and it's all pertinent.

Believe it or not Love I spent a large chunk of my life feeling just like you do. Right down to emotionally investing, getting burned, or left behind and it fucking sucks.

Now the truth is Love my darling you can't know at the outset unless you have some super psychic abilities, now assuming you don't have those here's what I've learned in my 32 years of life as a weird fat black chick.

The first thing I think you need to teach yourself (and I say this because I have a tendency to be very passionately invested in relationships with people) these things.

First of all even if you think you are going to have an amazing amount of stuff in common with someone, you might not and that is okay. It's not a reflection on who you are or who they are it just is.

Second, as I'm sure you know some people are just douchebags.

Third, tell yourself daily that you being who you are, just as you are weird clothes fat ass and whatever else is fucking awesome. I have homework for you right now (everyone else too) find a reflective surface you can see your own eyes in, look yourself in the eye and in your firmest most ass kicking voice say the following:

"I am mother fucking awesome."

Go do it. Right now I'll wait.

All back? Awesome.

Okay Love, one thing you can learn to do (and it's hard all of this is fucking hard and I know that) is be frank when your Spidey sense starts tingling. You are entirely within your rights to be protective of yourself and your feelings. It is perfectly all right to let people know if they say something that gives you that "oh fuck I'm the weirdy sidekick" to tell them that's not okay.

And some people can't deal with that. Some people are going to say, "but I didn't mean you" or things like, "but that's not what I meant". Regardless of the fact that someone might not mean to make you feel like the mysterious "other" it's what they did. Now awesome people will take that in and you and those people can work out together how they can not do that.

As for the people who will be butthurt and shitty about it, fuck em.

Next and I hate to say it but you have to teach yourself some caution. This part may be the most difficult thing but sometimes you have to (for your own good) slow your roll and take your time getting to know and love people. I know how heartbreaking it is when someone you care about so much just let's you down or does something that hurts you.

Um what else?

Back to the being upfront thing. No matter how you're meeting people you can say up front right away that there are things you will not put up with. And again some people cannot handle that. They will think you're a bossy weirdo but it is your life and your heart and you have the right to stand up for who and what you are.

Honestly I don't have more concrete advice. Looking back, I think I've learned the most by just going through these things. You get hurt, you cry, you wallow sometimes and you keep stepping which is the important thing to me. You get through it.

One of the ways I get through it (then and now) was learning when I just need to let it go. If someone really does not get me or worse the people who just want to know a weirdy such as myself, sometimes you just gotta let it roll off of your back and keep on trucking.

I have a hard time with that myself. I really want to stick it out and hope that the person gets it or figures it out or something but sometimes, it's just way better to walk away or put that person at a distance than to get hurt.

I too am a pretty sensitive person (Love darling I'm assuming this about you) and I have had to grow myself a pretty thick skin.

Also being an outsider ain't all that bad. I know it's our instinct as humans to have the driving need to fit in -somewhere- and I think there's that somewhere for all of us, the hard part is finding it.

And I have faith in you Love that you will find that place to run free and feral with other freaky folks. Now understand I use the term weirdy, freaky folks etc in pure love. I fully believe in the power of embracing your own strangeness and owning it.

OWN IT.

The other thing that comes to mind is that when you really start to believe that you in all your odd glory Love are Mother Fucking Awesome, you will project that and people will be less inclined to behave in shitty ways in your presence.

One of the best pieces of life advice I've ever gotten was from my Great Grandmother.

At the time I was upset and unsure, I wasn't specific with her but I felt so out of place and like my friendships with people weren't real and all that she told me,

"Fuck em if they can't take a joke."

And it's so true. And it's all a joke.

Ladies, Gents, bois and grrls your life on this planet is not permanent. And as much as we'd all like to believe we are big important shit, in the grand scheme of things we're all pretty small.

That is one of my core beliefs and that belief has in fact helped me through some really fucked up times.

I believe and own that my mortal life is a drop in the bucket as far as the universe goes.

With that in mind, understand Love that no matter what you know sets you apart from others, there -are- non douchy people who are your people.

You know what I'm saying?

Some of us find our people sooner rather than later. I found my people later. Keep searching, keep growing, you keep being your mother fucking awesome self.

Keep doing it because you are loved and valued.

Do it because you love and value yourself and have awesomeness to contribute to this bizarre drama we all call life.

Now for the rest of my homies. Let's talk. Do you feel like Love does? Have you felt like Love does but don't now? Share. Let's show Love, some love.

Damn dirty hippies unite! Homie awesome powers activate.

Okay I'm getting dorky and cheesy now. I overindulged in chocolate and now my eyeballs, they are vibrating. I'm going to eat some real food and have some liquids.

So remember my homies, I love you. You too haters and random intertubes visitors.

I will probably post something about fatshions tomorrow. I was cruising around and I found some POOR FOLKS DEALS Y'ALL.

I'm talking a good start of a summer fat girl wardrobe for under 20$ a piece. Things that I myself will be purchasing and will gladly show you for a dollar. Actually you totally don't have to give me a dollar.

Homo Out.

PS..that Damn dirty hippy line is from (I think)some Janeane Garofalo stand up.

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Thursday, May 07, 2009

Clawing my heart out HNT.

hnt57

HNTbutton


So this is my HNT for the week. I'm trying to get back into the habit as I'm doing more of my aforementioned self portraits. Excellent advice too thank you my homies.

I believe that is clickable so you can see the bigger version.I decided to call that one clawing my heart out, and yes I do realize my hand is not literally over my actual heart.

I took a bunch of other pictures last night as well but this one was an accidental self timer thing and I liked it the best. It says a lot about my current state of mind.

I was watching a conversation on Twitter between two women I like and admire and realized yet again that I have yet to master naked vulnerability.

I get angry when I feel vulnerable. I get really terribly angry at myself for it and I tend to withdraw until I can pull the armor back on.

I don't really like this about myself and am having a hard time getting over it/through it what have you.

Right now what's upsetting me is that the allergy meds I'm taking that work pretty well are putting me right in this space that I hate.

I'm working through it. Or at least trying.

I still owe people emails and I'm working on it. It's difficult for me to communicate effectively at the moment.

And one more thing.

My friends niece is missing. I made a post on Craigslist about it, see that here. Please, PLEASE no matter where you are please link to it, share it on facebook or whatever. She's only 21 years old and we want to bring her home, her family misses her terribly.

Also I put her picture up in my flickr account as well and posted on LJ/twitter/facebook about her. Pass it along.

Okay have to work now.

Homo out.

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Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Late night Fatty musings.

I know most people in and around the Fatosphere are not enthused about Forever21's new weirdly named "Faith21" supposedly plus size line.

I am a little geeked however. One because I'm not sized out and more importantly not priced out. There are a few pieces that I really -really- fucking love (at least on sight) and can actually afford.

The size issue for me is way less important to me than the price issue. Economically speaking it doesn't matter what size I am, 80% of the time I can't afford the clothing I like and I don't have the skills to make it myself.

Which is what (okay it's taken me forever to figure this out) kind of chapped my ass about a recent conversation over at Fatshionista about inbetweenie privilege. It wasn't so much the issue that yes, as someone who's on the smaller end of fat there is privilege in me being able to ostensibly walk into a store and buy.

What stuck in my craw was somewhere in that vast conversation there was the suggestion that inbetweenie people only or try to post things that come from actual plus size stores.

I fully own that whomever said it was a.)not talking to me and b.) this is my own shit but that is what got me all butthurt.

I had this intense and bad feeling of being unwelcome. Aside from people expressing discomfort about not as fat bodies. Just a heads up, even if it's your private space that still hurts. I'm not saying how you feel is invalid but it hurts. It might not be a personal thing but it does in fact feel like a personal thing.

Back on topic.

I can't buy clothes from places like Igigi, Eshakti, Torrid (most of the time) unless I do some amazing thrifting and I just had that feeling.

I suppose if you've never been poor you might not get it.

I don't know how to really explain how deeply this particular economic pain is for me personally.

Sometimes I get so frustrated because I often wind up getting what I can afford versus what I would love and after spending a long time struggling, and years making decisions like do laundry or eat for the week it just chaps my ass.

Granted I'm not quite that poor anymore.

But it's still there and highly colors my view sometimes of the things people in the fat community say.

I've learned to separate my personal butthurt feelings from what I feel are more specific issues and it's been hard.

So yeah I can tell you how when whatever company is lambasted for say being a shit company (walmart), sometimes having questionable adverts/product listings (Torrid) or having a shitty start to plus size clothes, there is a part of me (sometimes more of me than I'd like to admit) that is really hurt.

What I often want to say is, "good for you, you have that option but some of us are fucking poor and get it where we can."

I don't usually because other places are not my litterbox to piss in and I don't like engaging about an issue that I quite frankly can't do anything about.

And if I'm telling you my homies the truth, the next person that talks to me about my shopping ethics is getting kicked in the shin.

If I hear one more person give me a yer terrible for buying drawers at Walmart you should buy 18$ all organic fair trade drawers, they can fuck right off.

Now it wasn't just the Fatshionista that kicked up my Poor Folks hackles.

I also missed a really awesome local event because Uniballer and I can't afford tickets to things like that and my work schedule/back problems preclude me from doing a lot of volunteering.

It gets me down.

Also the fact that if we had money for tickets I wouldn't have anything to wear.

Trufax.

Your very own Gothity darkity darkdark dark does not have clubwear anymore.

Because I can't afford it.

Granted, I could cobble something together for say a night out at the Mercury or one of the Vogue nights but I don't have anything fancy and my attempts at fancy have not been uh...fancy.

And it gets me down sometimes.

However, I am pulling out of it I think.

Things are looking up.

I've got some actual stock made for the crocheted uglycute accessories store I want to open on Etsy. Uniballer and I are way more financially stable than we have been in awhile.

And I worked through it which is the most important thing.

For a long time I've had a habit of just pushing these things out of the way because I have to do other shit. I have to work. I have to try to be a better partner to Uniballer. There's all this other stuff and I'm only just learning that sometimes it's okay to slow my roll and deal with my own shit.

So that's where I've been and what Spring is about for me apparently is working through my shit.

You know what I mean?

Now how about some links?

Oh WAIT I have new advice that is like LIFE advice people, I feel so honored anyone would ask me for advice not having to do with sexytimes and I am working on your advice my homie.

Okay so links..worksafe first.

Okay if you haven't heard you better ask somebody Marianne and Kate's BOOK IS FREAKING OUT. FUCK YES you guys. FUCK YEAH. I am so happy and excited for you both.

Peggy posted herself in her underpants and I really love her post go read it. Also I'm still 12 saying underpants makes me giggle out loud no lie. And yeah not totally worksafe if your workplace is averse to ladies in panties.

Via BigLiberty I found a new blog called “Real Stories of Fat Hate and Discrimination”. You should read it.

Now for some totally not work safe stuff mmkay.

So via my latest serious girlcrush (Oh YES baby I am talking about your fine ass) Mollena I have discovered a fetish photographer who's work is hugely representative of some of the things I've ranted about when it comes to fetish and sexual photography. Eurocrush let me show you him.

Fucking beautiful. So many photographs that touch me and not just in a crotch tingly kind of way. His models aren't photoshopped into unrecognizable interchangeable fetish barbies. I just fucking love his photos.

Next up a Sex and Gender blog I discovered on Twitter. Sexgenderbody. Absolutely worth a read.

Next up, yet another girlycrush. Artist Hazel Dooney. I like the way she writes, I love her art. No really I fucking love it because it makes me think and that my friends is a beautiful thing.

One more, more worksafe is UglyArt by UglyShyla. You'll notice I've had her banner her just below the lovely Miss Sarah for a long time. I really like her a lot. I don't always get her art but I enjoy it. I have a couple of her pieces. One clothing item and an art card thingy that I bought from her years and years ago. I also think she's a pretty cool person.

Okay it's late and Uniballer and I have yet to have dinner and I needs a bath.

So I'm back and feeling pretty punchy. I am still having insane allergies. I think this year I'm allergic to fucking Washington in general and the meds that work leave me really groggy and stupid.

And I owe someone an email what the hell?

OH no wait I got it, it's none other than one of my other favorite people and authors M.Christian. Google him, he is fantastic and a total sweetheart.

So yeah email, foods, bath, nails bed.

Homo Out.

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