Friday, September 25, 2009

You'd think I'd know better by now.

So right on the heels of me saying that I need to learn to yanno, not work here I am. One day post epic food poisoning.

That's right, I spent most of yesterday unconscious or puking.

And yet here I am, slightly dizzy, sore and miserable at work.

Why?

Because I can't afford to be missing a lot of time from work.

But yeah wow fuck.

This is why I never take vacations. When I get sick I get really fucking sick and there is no way I can take the financial hit and lose the hours.

As the hours here tick by I realize i really probably should have stayed home. I think I've not thrown up by sheer will.

Ugh.

I started this five hours ago.

Good news, I only have two hours of work left. Bad news, I have two hours of work left.
~

I started that on Wednesday, and now it's Friday. I had to take yesterday off because of the hurling.

If nothing else this summer I have learned (again) that I really need to be more mindful about my body.

This is such a hard lesson for me to have to keep trying to get right my homies. Seriously.

I think as I've mentioned before this is poor person fall out. Even the shittiest wage slave jobs I've had, I've been hardpressed to skip out even when I really should.

It is really difficult for me to not equate necessary things like (sick time etc) with bad things. Losing my job, losing funds etc.

Instead of continuing this train of thought because it pains me I want to talk about my hair.

For a little history see this entry from December of last year.

For those of you who have been playing along you may recall I mention from time to time that I have been on an epic quest to learn how to take care of my hair and am growing it out for the first time in my adult life.

As this process has gone on I've discovered a few amusing tidbits about myself.

No matter how much I practice I am really just not good at braiding my hair. I'm not. I try, I practice, I watch youtube videos, I've had some of the kind ladies from LHCF forum try to instruct me and yeah. Not my thing.

And I finally stopped crying about it. No I'm serious people, trying to braid my own hair has reduced me on occasion to a trembling weepy mess with tangled hair. I am embracing the idea that yes, it's okay for a 32 year old Black woman to not know how to do this.

I've also learned that some people are going to judge me based on what I do or don't do to my hair and there's not a goddamn thing I can do about it. Yes, I can stew and be annoyed but in the end, it's not my problem.

But the biggest and most wonderful thing I've learned is that I am for the first time ever in my life (at least since I've thought about these things) I am in love with my hair. I'm talking deep, deep love.

The kind of love that causes me to spend time exploring the varied textures of my hair with my fingertips, I look at it, I roll individual strands between my fingertips and marvel at how strong they are. I love hos when I let my bun down at night my hair has heft and substance, it has a thick solid bounce.

I love that it gleams.

I love the variegated reds and browns from these last couple of years of hennaing.

I love that it's fluffy and big.

I love that sopping wet my hair is leonine and does whatever the fuck it wants to.

My hair is soothing. My hair is fucking fantastic and I love it.

And I'm deeply grateful I made the decision to learn to take proper care of it because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have learned about all the mysterious things it does or wants to do.

I'm also really excited to report that my first brilliantly white hair did not fall out as I feared. It's sparkly and a bit of glitter that I love.

Yes I love my hair.

Now I need to have some food. My packet of tuna is staring at me. Let me digress for a minute here and say that these tuna packet things are the fucking bomb diggity. I love eating plain tuna but can't always eat a whole can. AND I found the pouches of plain tuna at Big Lots for under a dollar. Win.

Okay now to end this with a foto.

excellenttexture

My sopping wet fluffy hair.

And now time for lunch.

And again, feel free to ask me whatever you want to about my hair and I won't be offended or pissed off.

Have a fabulous weekend. I'm aiming for a fatshions post Sunday maybe if I can get Uniballer to take some pics for me.

With that homies and haters, I love you all.

And take care of yourselves, matter of fact your homework until the next time we see each other is to do something lovely for yourself. Have a wank, have a nice bath, eat something you love, rub your belly, rub your butt (or have someone else do either of the latter two), dance, yell do something that makes you feel fancy.

Homo Out.
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Monday, September 21, 2009

Now for something completely...well not different.

First I must point you all to the piece that sparked this. Head over to the Rumpus (one of my FAVORITE internets magazines) and read this.

This was written by Roxane Gay and for a minute, when I got to #4 on the list I had an OH SHIT YES moment because I have had that conversation, in fact I had it recently.

It's a variation on a conversation I've had with people my whole life.

"Oh do you know (insert name here) she's black and she's into (insert odd thing here)"

Um...no I actually don't.

There were a few people over at The Rumpus who didn't find Ms. Gay's piece funny, I found it hilarious.

Personally after 32 years of being a Black person in America, honestly at some point you just have to shake your head and laugh. And sometimes laugh quite heartily.

I will tell you something else.

Some of you, this will cause your panties to wad up a little, have patience and pull them out slowly.

Fact is I have heard this kind of unintentional, racism via ignorance type of state from Ultra Liberal type people.

As I was saying to my bestie last night, Seattle is RIPE with it.

The fact is 90% of the time I give back snarky responses to this sort of thing along the lines of Ms. Gay's piece. There is the blank look, the exaggerted patois, occasionally I will say "are you fucking serious?"

Quite often people are baffled and butthurt as to why I may not be nice when they are complimenting my amazing ability to be well spoken.

With the speaking thing my favorite answer to that ever is:

"You know they let us po' negroes read books right?"

Let me explain why these are not compliments, why Black folks do not want to hear this bullshit.

Saying these things is often indicative of the assumption that Black people (or other People of Color) don't normally do whatever it is in your estimation so, this Black person must be super fucking special and awesome.

That is a racist assumption and a racist place to come from even if you "didn't mean it that way".

I'm going to stop there for now. Let that marinate in your brain meats.

I'm also stopping there because I have run out of Educating Negress energy today.

Instead let me tells you internets, I am a little...okay really obsessed with this dress from Eshakti.

Now I would rock that with some stompy boots and stripey or colored tights.

Yes. I. Would.

I started this on Friday and completely forgot to post it because I'm um...awesome.

In other news I'm having some trouble with the essays for the book thingy I've been yammering about putting out.

I have shit tons of notes but I'm not as organized as I'd like to be.

However I have pulled a few older entries here to be gussied up and dropped into the collection. Any requests?

Thus far I've got a couple of essays about sex of course, some stuff about body image, Blackness. You know the stuff I like to talk about here. I'm having a little bit of trouble deciding what I keep to myself for an essay and what I put here.

It's such a weird thing to be thinking about since this isn't like my big publishing break or anything.

But, I really do want to give those of you who want to carry around a little of my brain the chance to. Is that weird?

To tell you the truth I am HUGELY nervous, I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure I'm giving something from a good and honest place.

But have no fear my darlings, it is happening. I've got my big girl panties and my mother fucking hard hat on. I am ready to do the damn thing.

So for at least the next little while keep your eye here for some randomness, some fatty fashion. And moar sexytimes advice. I seem to recall getting another question or two but I cannot for the life of me find them. I'm a little afraid I deleted them while I was sick and trying to do some cleanup on my database. Also, you'd think I'd have learned from the last time not to do that kind of shit while I'm sick huh?

that is such an awful habit of mine. I find it almost impossible to not be doing something whether that's writing, crocheting, hand sewing things at home.

I've heard this from other working poor folks but, it's hard not to work. I work even when it's really not in my best interest health wise to do so and being that I depend on my paycheck so goddamn much it's really hard not to do.

I am working on that though. I know that if I had rested more instead of going back to work with the quickness I probably would have felt much better much sooner.

I'm learning.

So with that I'm off like a slightly limping super hero.

Tomorrow I'm coming with some fatshions. I have been wearing some cute stuff and I wanna talk about it.

And I want to talk about some of my thrifty methods of getting ready for the cold weather and see what you folks have to say.

Also, I don't recall who it was but whomever linked me to the tartan Sugar Brand (I think) boots, I want to grab you, smoosh you and then proceed to smooch all over your face in joy I am fairly certain I am buying those and it is mother fucking win.

Okay, enough.

Homo Out.
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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Fat girl working out.

Since I've been battlin this flu of knock me on my ass, I haven't been able to exercise in any meaningful way. My walks have been way slower and I find it highly frustrating.

Now that I'm feeling closer to normal I want to start bellydancing again and I have a new interest.

Now as I'm browsing of course (because it's marketed to women and women must always be on a quest to lose weight *insert eye roll here*) I'm getting annoyed.

Every hooping site I've been to thus far has shown me lovely ladies, thin small boob having ladies hooping. That in and of itself is awesome, rock on ladies but what I need is some information that might help out a lady who is not so thin or not so small boob having.

I find this flaw with almost every exercise oriented thing. Bellydance is the small exception but even there, so much is demo'd by people with similar body types that practical information that I as a consumer deem vital is just not there.

For instance, if I want to do some hooping would my big ass titties cause me any issues? Or if I have a belly would that impact what I can get out of this?

I find this inordinately annoying.

So I turn to you my homies of the fatness. Do any of you hoop? If so what are your experiences with it? do you like it?

I am primarily interested because it just looks like fun. It looks like another booty shaking activity that I would enjoy.

Right now I am trying (and fuck it's hard for me) to make healthy for me decisions regarding exercise. Given my knee and other health issues, hard vigorous exercise is probably not where I want to go right now and that maddens me. And annoyed is not where I want to live.

That in mind my plan is to shimmy my way through winter and take some (OH SHIT exciting news I forgot to tell you guys) classes.

Awesome thing, see I work swing shift Monday Through Friday. I am also poor. I've been looking for classes accessible to me and best thing is, there is a drop in class I can walk to from my house on SATURDAYS!!!1!1!!!ELEVENTY!!1!!!!

I am super excited about that people.

I've also decided to add more stretching and push ups to my nightly routine.

I have my eye on a used copy of a book on stretching. And a copy of a book with stretching designed for office workers.

Tell me homies, what kind of movement makes you happy?

Do you exercise because it makes you happy?

Does the idea of finding that one awesome activity give you a happy?

I want to hear about it. Tell me.

AND welcome new homies. If you're reading even if you don't like me you're still a homie and you're welcome here.

Okay folks, I'm off to drink delicious Twinnings Lady gray tea, (note if you're in the Seatown area Grocery Outlet has a pretty tin on sale right now) and enjoy my chicken noodles for lunch.

Homo Out.
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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Happenings.

Bear with me folks.

This summer has been a rough one clearly and I'm still not quite myself.

However, I have shit on my mind homies.

First one is that Uniballer and I went to the West Seattle Farmer's Market on Sunday.

I haven't been to a Farmer's Market in probably let's be fair and say about 15 years.

My first impression was wow, I'm still a budding/forming foodie and I was overwhelmed at first. It's not a huge market but there is really so much stuff.

I noticed a few other things as well but first a little food related squeeing.

I learned a lot.

For instance.

I learned that Aubergines come in colors that are well other than aubergine. No really I did not know that, there were white ones and some tie dye looking purple and white ones. They were so pretty.

There was also some gorgeous meat and some cheese that knocked Uniballer and I out.

Now one of the other things I noticed right away was a dearth of people of color. That particular neighborhood, right there I know there are people of color there, and I was left wondering if they are going to the market?

However, a lot of them are probably not because a lot of the people of color in the area are like myself and are fairly poor. I myself will not be going very often either because frankly it's really fucking expensive.

This is one of those things.

While I can get behind the idea of eating locally sourced foods yadda yadda, the economic reality is that 80-85% of the people I know personally just can't afford that. Being that there are only two of us, if Uniballer and I did some major scrimping and saving we might be able to eat "ethically".

Frankly, despite what an awesome idea I think it is to support local farmers and creators of these delicious noms, for people like Uniballer and I (average poo working class folks) it just is not gonna happen.

I really hate it when people lecture me about how important it is to support whatever without giving a thought to the realities of being poor people in America. People will chirp merrily, "well just save up" (this ESPECIALLY pisses me off when it comes to clothes) like it's no thing.

Uh really?

So it should be an easy decision for me to drop say 65$ on a dress or shirt. 65$ that could realistically feed Uniballer and I quite well for more than a week?

Or that would pay in it's entirety my phonebill for two months?

My point here is that a lot of us poor folks see expenditures like over say 30-35$ (And frankly I'm being generous/over estimating) for a single thing, or something that won't last awhile as being a big fucking deal.

My bigger point here is that before you decide to lecture someone about what kind of food they buy, or where they shop be mindful that a lot of these things are not strictly moral/ethical issues for a lot of us and there are serious class and economics issues.

Be mindful.

I'm not requesting anything super crazy but don't get so wrapped up in your cause that you forget that there are human beings involved.

For me personally I try to exercise this a lot.

I try very hard not to get instantly angry when these things come up in my life. It's taken me a lot of personal work to learn to just tell people something like, "That's great for you but not for me." And if they care I sometimes will explain.

So to speak more concretely, if you find out I buy groceries at Walmart or Grocery Outlet and that I rarely if ever buy locally, don't get all in my grill about it.

If you hear me being unhappy that a cute dress is 75$, don't lecture me about plus size folks being willing to pay more for yadda yadda. That's awesome if you can afford it, I myself cannot. Not just cannot I will not. I can't justify to myself that kind of expenditure when it's not a good pair of shoes that will last me forever (as in my Docs that were about that much and will last me for a long long time) or bills.

And a few pictures from Sunday.

Before that though I don't know what's coming up/what I can do without over taxing myself like I did on Sunday. Hours of strolling about with Uniballer left me so exhausted on Sunday I couldn't stand myself.

I've been in a weird place with this little blog here. I have so many things on my mind I've got a bit of trouble staying organized. Things are settling down though and I'm feeling not quite like I want to throw myself under a train every time I cough. So there is stuff coming I just don't know what yet.

And now, fotos of awesome. Click to embiggen and read more about them.

stickersatthejunction

redvelvet1

printingpress1

Now my darlings, again I say tell me what's new and fabulous. What's bugging you? What did you have for dinner today?

Homo Out.
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Monday, September 07, 2009

Awake.

I am finally starting to not feel quite so sick. This cold/flu/ebola whatever I've had is fucking bullshit man.

However I must admit a few things.

Okay confess is a better word for it.

Generally speaking I only really rest the first couple of days I'm sick.

I'm terribly dumb that way. I go to work if I'm not contagious, I go about my regular life. Which sometimes can be a huge detriment.

For instance.

Sometimes I forget to eat.

Often I'm engrossed in other things, or not thinking about it and don't realize oh HAY I should eat something until my blood sugar takes a nosedive and I feel randomly pissed off or otherwise not good.

This is not good for me for a variety of reasons.

Being that I am a visibly fat person, all too often people encourage this and it maddens me to no end. It's not just your regular bullshit "diet" advice and/or kudos, when I raised a concern about it and wanted some medical advice on how to deal with it the doctor I was seeing at first didn't believe me (cause yes, I'm still a fatty) and then encouraged me to not quite skip meals but, go with my non recognition of hunger.

The fuck?

Yes she was serious.

Now with no big pimping medical degree I can tell you that habitually skipping meals can fuck up your metabolism, contribute to headaches, and you just don't feel good.

Why would anyone who claims to give a shit (otherwise known as the concern trolling hereabouts in the Fatosphere) advocate something that they know goddamn well is really fucking bad for you?

Quite frankly, it pisses me the fuck off that I had to go off and do the research myself without medical support to work on this.

I got entirely off of the point I was going to make.

In other news.

I keep seeing some things on my friends list on LJ that bug me that I'm not entirely certain what I should/can do.

I read the journals of some ladies who are quite thin and involved in very looks based industries. I understand that sometimes we all feel fat but, feeling fat and actually being fat are two different things.

I don't know any of the women well and I often have to scroll quickly by and shake my head. It's old hat and tiring.

Not to mention there's often ewwwwwwwwww fat (insert man/woman/whatever here) and fuck sake really?

I believe a pruning of my lj friendslist/people I read needs a good pruning as does who I follow on twitter.

I have neither the time nor energy to be the Educating Fat Negress when it comes to these things.

And I got distracted again.

This is my big clue that I'm still unwell, my concentration sucks.

Since I'm rambly anyway I'll just go with it. No use in fighting my brain.

OH before I forget my homie of awesome Mollena has some awesome writing news. I say..FUCKING SWEEEEEEEEEEET!

Someday I would be very down to be making a similar announcement.

Speaking of writing (check how smoove that was folks) I have already started my essays. YAY. I may have to push back a release until March (round my birthday)because I really want to take my time with it. I want to be sure to produce some stellar shit my homies.

Okay it's almost time for me to leave work and I'm very tired. There will be some new pictures sometime soon since I a.)found my camera case and b.) got new batteries for said camera.

So more as I recover and become more human like.

I love you guys. Feel free to use the comments to tell me what's new and fabulous in your lives, get some fancy drawers? Did you have some awesome sex? Get a new sex toy or pair of shoes? Tell me all about it my homies.

Homo Out.

PS..Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck my sexytimes advice entry got all sorts of borkd when I did it, I should not try to give advice while tanked on Nyquil. There WILL be a redo.
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