Wednesday, October 28, 2009

On Privilege.

Just so we all know where I am coming from a quick list about your hostess:


  • Shannon

  • Black

  • Cisgendered woman who identifies as a woman

  • Bisexual living more in a queer universe.

  • Poor

  • Uninterested in higher education. Graduated high school.

  • Self taught on lots of things. I like books.

  • Mid level fat. Right around the actual size of an average American ladytype.


So there we have it.

I'm not going to link to people because I a.)don't have a beef with anyone and b.)just don't feel like it.

So lately in the Fatosphere (yet again) there's been a lot of YOU no U...U NO U (and before anyone feels hurt, that's not a personal slam it's just how I read a lot of back and forth arguing in my head) going on and I'm really kind of over it.

Here is my take on privilege and what it can mean in a persons life and how it can impact interacts both face to face and right here in the intertubes.

You take someone with a lot of innate advantages that they may have been born with and may have earned. Now when that person starts to think about these things a few things can happen.

Guilt. That person feels bad because they maybe don't have to worry about whether or not they can walk into Happy Go Lucky Pants store and buy a pair of pants. Or maybe they don't have to be worried about being harassed by the general public because they aren't a person of color, or queer walking about with their partner, or fat. This person wrings his or her hands and doesn't know what to do.

Then maybe this person gets upset when someone says, "Hey you know you might be able to go into Happy Go lucky Pants store and buy pants, I can't and it really sucks." Now our person with the privilege of being able to buy those pants, might say "Wow I hadn't thought of that." Or they might get defensive and say, "So what it's not my friggin fault that my ass fits into the pants and yours doesn't. What's your problem"

The latter reaction is unfortunately highly common.

People want to put up their Anti Blame shields (even when there isn't blame involved) and defend their position.

It's a natural human instinct. You don't want to feel picked on or singled out, you don't want to feel like someone is giving you the stink eye because you are who you are.

Now the former reaction in my mind is the more productive one.

Talking about privilege is not about shaming a person because they are this that and the other thing and not this that or this other thing.

When I am talking to someone about privilege my aim isn't to make them feel bad or get to the point where they are rabidly defending whatever it is they think they should be, my aim is rather to maybe get that person to see that things are different for a lot of people.

For instance.

I had a friend with whom I was discussing how I had a shitty experience in a retail store. I walked into a store where I was the only black person in the immediate vicinity. I asked the sales clerk who was not busy (I worked retail for a very long time so my attitude with sales people tends to be on the very polite/understanding side) how much a pair of earrings was and she looked straight at me, shook her head and went back to screwing around with a display.

A white woman came in, the sales clerk greeted her enthusiastically, helped her find a few items and go into the dressing room. I looked around a little, willing myself to give her the benefit of the doubt. After about ten minutes I walked over to the sales clerk and asked specifically after the item I wanted.

In hindsight, I'm more offended than I was then. I was not dressed inappropriately, I was polite. The kind of customer I liked having when I worked retail which is something I try to do when I shop. I know how it is to have already pissed off customers when you as a sales clerk really can't do anything about it.

Anyway, this woman looked straight into my eyes, and said "You can't afford those. They are real silver." Then went right back to what she was doing.

The fact is I had enough cash in my pocket to buy three pairs of them. I had brought cash specifically for that item. Luckily for me her name was on the business cards by the register. I phoned the owner of the boutique and gave her a lengthy piece of my mind and despite being offered a discount until the day that place closed I never bought a single thing even though I loved what was there.

Making a long story longer, in this instance the white lady who was shopping while I was there did not have to think about the color of her skin in that instant. I did.

That is a privilege.

The friend I was telling this story was defensive for a hot second then had the reaction that makes my brain say YES THANK YOU, she said and I quote "That is fucked up. I didn't even know that kind of thing happens anymore."

That simple statement opened up a lengthy dialogue over lots of years about what it's like for me to be me walking around in my brown skin.

I'm trying to illustrate the point of talking about privilege in my world.

The point isn't to start bitching about OMG it's not my fault, and well what am I supposed to do about it.

The point is talking about privilege isn't really about you. It's about the people who don't share those privileges.

I don't want anyone wailing and gnashing their teeth because they are different than me, it turns me off. Matter of fact at some point it pisses me off. What I want as being (often) in the not privileged in whatever way category is to be heard and understood.

That is the hard part.

In order to hear and understand and get to a point where we can discuss these things rationally you have to shut up and listen. You have to let go of the idea that one must somehow defend ones position and never budge or pay attention to what's actually being said because it's not about you most of the time.

Also if your peers (as in people who are statistically and or in terms of privilege pretty similar to you) are telling you to slow your roll and listen you might think about doing so.

Talking about these things is probably going to make you uncomfortable if you're not used to it. It's going to maybe make you feel dumb because you don't know the jargon and you haven't read all the Unpack your backpacks and whatnot. That's ok.

Personally, I think if you can't wrap your head around these things or if you're uninterested in doing so, you should probably not open up the dialogue or at the very least have a blog that doesn't allow for comments.

Part of being involved in something like the Fatosphere includes probably seeing/reading some shit that will piss you off. It probably includes people who think you're a dick. It also probably includes people you think are dicks. The Fatosphere like so many other places on the intertubes is full of differing viewpoints, ways of expressing those viewpoints just like the big bad world.

However unlike the big bad world, you can easily just keep stepping past the people you think are douchebags.

That my friends is pretty much how I operate. That said, I in particular don't have issues talking to people who don't get me or like what I'm saying. That's fine.

In My Litterbox, you can say pretty much whatever you like in comments and I'm probably not going to ban you. However, be aware that if I take issue with a comment I'm going to bring it up. If you are going to troll at least put some effort into it. If you're going to say something you -think- might piss me or someone else off but you really feel the need to say it, strap on your hard hat because you might get called out.

It's how I roll and it's worked pretty damn well so far. Well not as in entirely smoothly because it hasn't been but well in that I can deal with it.

And that's about all I have to say about it.

Hopefully on Sunday while I am hennaing my hair I can get to my tights review. I'm very excited about it. I have some serious recommendations that are thrifty and excellent, some buyer bewares and some reluctantly approving things to say.

Also I am really SO excited about Nanowrimo you guys don't even know. I am seriously (and I just heard this in Scotty's voice in my head, oi I'm a nerd) I'm giving it all I got Captain! Everything that I've been craving in a vampire book is going in. It's going to be overkill yes but, it will also be like giving myself a present.

I feel like a growed up novel writing author. I have an OUTLINE OMG, I have my chapters mapped out OMG, I have my research done OMG. OMG OMGOMG. I'm really that excited about it. And I am taking some creative liberties with ancient history but I have an absolute LOVE of doing that so it's all good.

With that I'm off. Time for food and tea. I love you my homies.

And my username at Nanowrimo is CrankyShannon let's have a Team Fatass shall we?

Homo out.

PS feel free to add me at Nanowrimo I think I've added a few people but I have to check.
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Sunday, October 25, 2009

Friday of Random...er Sunday of random.

First things first, if you're feeling delicate I suggest skipping my next few sentences.

I have to say that the song in the video below reminded me that I would like to screw Billy Idol red white and blue. That man is a hot piece of ass.

There is no visual for this video but the audio, and yes. I say again Billy Idol is a Hot Piece of Ass.



Ahem. Moving along.

Actually wait a sec while I am lusting can I just say that OMG Skin+Jojon from Sevendust=Tasty mother fucking deliciousness of epic hot black folks proportions.

I've been having yet another week of bullshit sleep and I swear people, after having this issue for so many years, I really get to the point I might want to run headfirst into a wall just to knock myself out.

And don't worry about me overmuch dearest homies. I have been a terrible insomniac since childhood and I do sleep eventually. I quite honestly hate with a burning kind of hate, taking sedatives. I really do so I deal until I can't then I take the fucking sedatives and call it a night.

While I'm randoming this is for my fellow broke ass homies.

I've been doing this thing called SwagBucks and it's pretty amusing. Basically you can use their page to do searches, get some Swagbucks (like points) then use those in their store. They have some pretty neat stuff. E-gift cards, books, mp3's etc. They have contests and things and whatnot. Now, if like me you have some time on the intertubes I do suggest doing it here and there and getting yourself some swag. I am saving up my Swagbucks for a Sephora card and if you are so inclined please feel free to join with my wee affiliate link here and do some clicking, win some stuff. It's pretty low effort you don't have to do offers or bullshit. And my fellow poor homies, every little bit helps.

OH and I wanted to tell you guys that after Nanowrimo I am going to launch some NEW stuff.

I've been working (my coding skills are not super awesome but I'm determined to do it by myself..don't ask) on some special pages mostly link pages.

Part of why this is taking so long is that I am uber picky about whom and what I link to and I had to work out some personal reservations I had about affiliate type linking.

So here's what I've come up with and I'd really love your input.

I will have a page of Fatty resources. Links to blogs, feeds, clothing stores, and other important fatty stuff that I approve of.

I will have a *gasp* porn and sex toy page. All places/things I've picked. Some will be affiliate links some won't and I promise full disclosure on that. Also along with that educational sexuality resources for all flavors of sexuality.

My Amazon store already has it's own thing. And again all that stuff is hand picked by yours truly. I'll be updating it soonish.

And of course a page for people I just like. Bloggers, authors, artists, maybe a twitter list. I really get a personal bit of happy when I have introduced someone I think is fabulous to other people I think are fabulous.

And I'm kind of thinking of doing something else with my essays. This is based on my own inability to buy books at will, I think I'd like to offer essays via a PDF/Word/Text whatever option for individual download for like a dollar. As much as I'd like to do a whole book I am a.) not ready for that I think and b.) I really want to make what I do accessible without costing myself a shitload of money (as in doing the big fancy Lulu package) and without costing anyone who wants to read them a shitload of money.

Now I know I could offer them for free and I was very tempted to do so but, I am ready to take the step of wanting to be paid for my work. And a 1-2 bucks seems fair to me. So much shit is so fucking expensive and SO many of us are poor that I don't want to be that person you know? Maybe that's not totally clear but it's part of the whole convoluted mess that is my feelings about art and commerce which I don't want to go into here.

I've been sitting on these ideas for awhile. I've built a template I like and can manage fairly easily. But I've been hesitant because I don't want to come off as being douchy about it.

Another thing I have a bit of a want to do is some interviews with folks I like who I think you'd like. Would y'all be into that?

Now, I am 80% sure that I want to aim for a 2010 launch of awesomeness. I am even redoing my home page so it will be more like the portal to an actual website rather than just my blog.

And honestly, some of this is my way of exploring something I've wanted to do for a really long time.

I want to have a (adult of course) boot fetish/tease website. Mainly because I do actually have a boot fetish as in boots give me the special tingle and I think tease is fucking awesome. I want to see if I can in fact manage a website. I'm researching that and still deciding. But I do really want to do it with the help of my partner Uniballer.

Okay that's it my homies. I'm really fucking exhausted and in some pain. Uniballer has promised some delicious noms, and I have a shawl to finish crocheting.

OH wait I think I will be opening an actual etsy store sometime after new years as well. I've been crocheting like mad and made some really nice things. I have to save up some start up monies but it's another thing I'd really like to do. However if I decide that I don't want to do that I might just offer my things up for sale in my LJ. Jury is still out on that.

Regardless of whether or not I sell my crocheted things, I really love doing it. It's like meditation which I need.

Now I'm really going to bed.

I love you guys.

Homo Out.

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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Indeed I do.

I'm not going to discuss the current fuss in the fatosphere because you know what? As I said yesterday I've been through it in this neighborhood before and I'm really just not in the mood today. Maybe tomorrow.

Rather I want to talk about some newish feelings I have about current feminism.

Now for you new folks I (as of what sometime last year?) no longer identify as a feminist. The last time I discussed it in depth was here.

For today keep this in mind. I am speaking to my own experiences here. These are my impressions and my feelings so if you want to disagree that's fine but, do take in the fact that I'm not trying to present facts or empirical evidence, I'm not linking to anything because I have no intention of having a beef with anyone.

This is how I feel.

Something I've come to slowly is that I'm terribly seriously and extraordinarily turned off by hard line anything. The idea that only what you're saying is appropriate and good and right, turns me off. When I get that impression I quite frankly stop listening or caring.

The fundamentalist viewpoint when it comes to any issue I come across is generally the first viewpoint that I like to edge out of my radar.

Fundamentalist views often get makes in my next issue with feminism as I have been experiencing it lately. The I'm educated and therefore correct attitude.

That isn't to say I have any sort of objection to being educated. I don't have a big problem with academia. What I do have an issue with is using academia and academic language to create a barrier between people. Especially when the people one is trying to reach may not be in that particular academic club.

It's just not my bag.

Additionally, as ever I have no patience for the idea that you cannot be a feminist if you do/believe/or feel like X. I think that's bullshit and I have a severe allergy to bullshit.

I don't like it (as if you've been reading me for awhile you're probably perfectly aware) when dissenting views are castigated for simply being dissenting. I personally have learned far more about the things I am passionate about by speaking to people who might not necessarily agree than talking about them with people who are just as for it as I am.

You can only pass around so many nods before things turn into a circle jerk.

I'm tired of hearing what issues are and aren't important. As with any set of issues that fall under a large umbrella term, if so and so with the eleventy billion readers, and forty contributors who all are brilliant educated people who also have written loads of important books and articles say, that X is an important issue and other issues are just Not. As. Important. I don't dig it.

I don't dig it because while yes, lots of things are tragedies, miscarriages of justice and fucking terrible there are only so many things I have space in my head to get worked up about. And if I were to express this in a lot of feminist oriented spaces I am familiar with, stones would be thrown. I don't like this trend towards having to search out every atrocity and get worked up about it.

The issue is not a lack of caring on my part, I do in fact care. However, my actual life is pretty fucking stressful and I only have enough Sanity Points for so much stress before I want to explode. I just don't. Which is why I have a tendency to not read comments on blogs or news articles. Which is why if within the first couple of paragraphs of something, if I think it's going to piss me off, I take a minute to figure out whether or not this is something I really need to be angry about.

Now maybe the spaces I'm thinking of do in fact welcome these sorts of opinions I don't know but frankly I don't have the patience to find out.

Moving along.

I have been trying to read a few contemporary blogs on the recommendations of a few trusted friends and I keep running into the same roadblocks.

A lot of what I'm reading just has nothing to do with the actual life I live. I have no special feminist tingle from the sort of I'm wearing designer shoes fist pumping type feminism I see a lot of. I don't identify.

I don't identify with the whole look at me I've got money and I'm awesome and Fuck you kind of feminism I've seen a lot of lately.

Basically it boils down to this.

I have an extreme intolerance to fundamentalism in any form. Whether it's religious, political or personal. I will not partake in things where if you do not believe in the One. True. Way. or you have the gonads to disagree with those in the position of disseminating the One. True. Way. Fuck you type mentality.

That's not the kind of person I am and it's not the kind of things I support when I come across it.

That is my big issue with a lot of current feminism, aside from rampant transphobia, racism (in the forms of blatant, insidious and sneaky and racism via ignorance) etc. I'm just not having it.

I think I'm done.

I'll revisit the issue maybe round my birthday when I tend to get introspective.

I have been doing some work regarding my feelings about religion and sprituality over on Dreamwidth. I am highly protective of it and have been waffling about opening it up. I'm not sure yet. I will probably make a decision this week and if anyone is interested in my yammering about spirituality (as in my OWN with the occasional side rant) let me know.

The essays are coming along. I've pulled about fourteen entries from here, some of my archived stuff from the Diary-x days and have been working on new ones. I'm not sure if they will be ready to be released on Lulu (yeah I know I could probably shop them around but I'm honestly not ready for that) by the holidays or not. The process has been way more intensely emotional than I'd anticipated I've hit some emotional land mines that surprised me and frankly it scares the pee out of me.

So with that my darlings I'm spent. I'm going to continue my research for Nanowrimo. I'm really excited about it this year. I'm going to be doing a vampire novel with way less focus on the European model of vampires. My main vampire is an ancient Nubian. There is going to be a lot of Egyptian religion, some of my own flavor of vampire mythos, sex, blood, and monsters who love being monsters. The type I've said before who will rip out your throat and fuck the hole and still feel good about themselves in the morning. Self loving monsters.

So yeah I'm still yammering fuck man. Okay now I'm really done. I'm going to stretch, make some tea and probably do a little fiction writing.

Homo Out.

PS a few people have asked where my little tag line comes from. I'll retell the story tomorrow.
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Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Amoral Fatty.


a⋅mor⋅al
–adjective
1. not involving questions of right or wrong; without moral quality; neither moral nor immoral.


For the purposes of this entry I'm using amoral with this usage. Not the one that indicates some nefarious things.

The issue of the "Good" Fatty vs the "Bad" Fatty has reared up in the Fatosphere yet again. I've been around for it many times and my opinion hasn't changed.

I do not believe that it behooves fat people (or people in general for that matter) to buy into the idea that there are somehow more virtuous among us fatties.

Now the stereotypical "Good" fatty is about as follows:


  • Good Fatty exercises regularly or a lot.
  • Good Fatty eats a carefully created nutritionally optimal diet.

  • Good Fatty wears stylish and often higher priced clothing.

  • Good Fatty doesn't have an eating disorder.

  • Good Fatty toes the party line.

  • Good Fatty never discusses or admits to any desire to lose weight or otherwise alter the shape or size of their body.



I could go on but you get my point. I don't say these things out of meanness however these are some of the things I've seen "bad" fatties question about themselves and thus feel like they are being edged out or are not welcome in many FA spaces.

I do not buy into the idea that there is a moral hierarchy to the size and shape of bodies. The fat person who does the above things is no more "good" in this context than the fat person who yes has an eating disorder or who is just fat because they (insert reason here) or that fat person who is not comfortable in their skin and does have a desire to lose weight.

I don't buy it, endorse it or take part in it.

I would prefer that rather than pointing fingers and telling people why they shouldn't say this that or the other thing, that we listen.

For me a big part of activism is hearing dissenting view points. If someone comes here and says, I think it's fucking awesome that you are a happy fatty but I'm not and I don't know if I want to lose weight or try to love myself as is, that is fine with me. A lot of people are not going to suddenly come to the conclusion that

It's fine with me because I've been there and even if I hadn't, I am more than happy to help you work it out by just being here talking.

To take this out of being strictly FA related.

I don't believe that good health is a moral issue as I've said before.

I don't believe that if you eat the textbook perfect diet, and exercise for hours on end that you are any better than the person who eats Mickey D's daily and wouldn't walk to the escalator. And the fact is, there are fat and thin people at both ends of that spectrum.

It is what it is.

To come back to FA in particular I think it's damaging to the cause to seemingly embrace this dichotomy. If we can't treat each other like our personal choices are awesome regardless of what they are, how can we expect the word at large to do that?

I would like to see less disclaiming that X persons choices are not at all the norm, oh no we're not all like that type thing.

I personally would like to see that someone like Heidi doesn't have to say things like this:


I am a really BAD fat and there don’t seem to be very many of us, so it’s a little lonely, even in the Fatosphere!


Honestly if people have to keep saying things like this, I don't want to play anymore. I don't want to play if we keep finding it necessary to use these kinds of labels to get ourselves (or those of us who are "good" fatties) accepted.

For the record, everybody is welcome here. Dieting? Unsure? Skinny? Super healthy? Really not so healthy? Fat? Kinda fat? Sorta fat? Super fat? Exerciser? Expert in reclining? Whatever.

You can play too.

This here is not a Good Fatty place.

I am not a Good Fatty.

I am not a Bad Fatty.

My fat is amoral.

I am just, fat.

I think that's all. I'm having a long day and everything is getting on my nerves.

I promised outfits didn't I?

I posted them in my lj here they are if you wanna have a looksy. Feel free to comment there or friend me if you want to. Also remember if you're going to steal my pictures to snark on, don't hotlink.

With that my darlings I'm done. My tummy is telling me to drink some Wu Yi Oolong with my crackers and study my notes for Nanowrimo. HOly shit y'all I'm doing fucking NOTES for once. This might turn out to be yanno a real novel.

Okay my homies and haters. Tomorrow I have a post about haters in mind that I hope will make you giggle and at least one special reader feel better.

Your mission for tonight is to at some point catch your own reflection give yourself the nod and say fuck yeah. I think we all need it today.

Homo Out.
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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

And we're back.

No, I'm not entirely out of the bad brain place fog but I'm getting there.

And let me say AGAIN how much I love you guys. You really have no idea how much it means to me that there are those of you who get it and everything. I have words but thank you.

I have to keep reminding myself that I AM worth the effort and yes sometimes the cost. It's amazing how hard of a thing that is.

Moving along. I believe I saw this first via TR and um, okay if fat people are really warmer why the FUCK am I half frozen 80% of the time?

To be honest I refused to read the whole thing.

However I will say that my fatness has been cheated out of this increasing warmth. If it is under say 60 degrees I get cold.

So I'm suffering being a cold fat person.

Someone owes my fatass some extra heat. Then my big plan will come to fruition I will topple the mitten industry with my fatness and extra heat thus forcing people to ask ME to crochet them mittens. Then I will make eleventybilliondollars and live fat and happy and fucking rich.

Visualize me rolling my eyes mightily.

Of all of the silly shit I've seen fat people blamed for from the decline in the environment to the failing economy this is on my top five of the absurd.

Fuck that noise.

Moving along.

I was involved in a conversation with an etsy store owner recently that quite honestly has me stumped.

So this fancy things maker (who has some lovely items and clearly has mad skillz) has a shop. I was cruising through her shop and saw an item I fell in LOVE with.

I read her policies, read about the item and somehow in the description where she claimed that it was an item that can be made to custom measurements, she neglected to mention that what that actually meant was custom measurements up to a 30" waist.

I learned that "custom measurements" meant a size XL with a 30" waist after I'd emailed her for further info.

While I will say I responded politely I was also quite firm in saying that I think it would be really helpful to clarify what she meant in the listing.

She responded with this very long email talking all about how she's had ever so many problems with crabby ass (not her exact words but her meaning) fatties who want to *CLUTCH YOUR PEARLS* buy and wear her fabulous clothes. She explained that it's not her fault that she can't figure out how to make a simple (yet fabulous) A Line dress to specifications other than what she has listed. It's not her fault that she doesn't really know any "bigger people" to help her out.

If you've been playing along at home (and let me say it again if you're new) I am not inclined to feel sorry for people when they whine about these things.

Frankly work it the fuck out or at least be upfront so I don't have to waste my time talking to you.

Really if she'd just said I don't know how to make plus size clothes or said, you know that's a good point I should add that to my listings or something of the sort I wouldn't be annoyed.

My hunt for the perfect boots continues.

Let me show you the ones I am replacing because I am pretty sure they are a decade old and they aren't really water resistant as much as I need them to be. And they are finally looking pretty ratty.

favoriteboots

Those are very old Nana boots that I bought at freaking Hot Topic for under a 100$ that have lasted through being worn a lot. When I first bought them I probably wore them pretty much daily for a good six months.

Since then my calves have gotten bigger and more muscly- no wait before I get to that can I just say that despite the fact that I was a bit fatter when I bought these boots and some other ones I own I never had a problem with getting boots to fit round my calves until they got all muscly.

Muscles=boot hell apparently.

While I'm in a picture showing mood the whole outfit from that set, taken last April. And sadly that little sweater vest I got out of the depths of the clearance rack at target is no more. It was only 4$ so I can't complain but a moment of silence please.

Anyway...here's that whole outfit.

Mondayoutfit

(Note the awesome coffee stain on the carpet by my foot. I did that within a week of moving in I shit you not. Also I'm wearing almost the same outfit in the next picture if you click through to go look, different burgundy sweater, different black skirt but almost the same LOL@myself.)

Wait what was I going to say?

OH right.

So here I am with my now hard and muscly calves that are no longer squishy enough to jam into boots that I like. Note that I say that I like.

I like Gothy Stompy boots. Clearly.

And it seems that most of the styles of boots I like the companies seem to think that folks (oh boys you too my darlings) who like gothy stompy boots have thin calves, all of them do. Some do yes but lots of us don't and it's fucking with my vision.

Now in order to replace this look in my wardrobe I think I'm going to have to either suck it up and buy some more Doc Martens then spend the winter in agony breaking them in or let go of the vision and go with another style. I haven't decided yet.

I'm thinking it's going to be the former. I have some money saved up that isn't dedicated to rent, food or utility bills. Not a whole lot but some. And I can save up a bit more for the docs which I'll probably buy from Zappos because OH right that's what else I was going to tell you guys.

Zappos CS has to be some of the friendliest and most helpful I've encountered in retail. I've called and used their online live customer service and asked if it looks like a boot has expansion room. They are really helpful so if you need help or have a jackassy question call or email or whatever. Excellent.

Speaking of shoes, I need some advice from you guys.

I kind of want to relearn how to walk in heels. After I stopped wearing stripper shoes regularly (both for fun and profit), I pretty much stopped wearing heels entirely. These days though I'd like a pair or two and here's my dilemma. Do I start with lower heels or chunky heels?

I do have back and knee problems so heels won't be a frequent thing but I would like to wear a pair when I feel like it without teetering and/or busting my ass.

I actually started this yesterday and I think I'm spent. I'm going to drink some tasty oolong tea that my partner Uniballer bought me the other day. It came highly recommended by a wee tiny little old lady who lives in our neighborhood and who just LOVES him, loves him like she will take his arm in the store like he's her grandson loves him and it's adorable.

So yeah time for me to wrap up my random for the day.

Thank you again you guys. For your support and your internets loves and hugs. And for giving me necklaces and everything. EVERYTHING.

I love you guys.

Homo Out.
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Monday, October 12, 2009

Confessional Mood.

I woke up feeling strangely anxious and in an odd pensive mood. I'm not sure why.

Well part of it has to do with some stuff I'm struggling with right now.

It's one of those money vs want vs need vs myself type things.

So the simple bit of it is that I really need a new pair of shoes that aren't boots. I wore a pair of Mary Janes I bought from torrid to absolute death and I need a new pair of shoes.

Aesthetically I found some that I really love and am positive I would enjoy wearing but they are expensive. For me that's over 30$.

What I'm struggling with (always) is that I could buy something cheaper that I don't like that would fulfill the need for fairly water resistant shoes. The ones I was looking at I honestly just don't like. However they are way cheaper than the ones I do like.

Here is what happens in my brain.

GlitteryBrain: Oh LOOK those are PERFECT!

MoneyBrain: That is too fucking expensive.

GlitteryBrain: But WAIT I found some on Ebay and-

MoneyBrain: Still too expensive you greedy asshole get these.

GlitteryBrain: Oh those are ugly.

MoneyBrain: Cost effective, will keep feet dry and shut the fuck up.

SadBrain: Well, that is really expensive and you don't really need fancy shoes.

Etc etc.

There is also a lot of guilt here. I feel awfully guilty for wearing out anything or feeling like I've ruined it. Hangover from my life as a youngster that I am working on but it's still there.

To tell you the truth when I look at things (in my case clothes and shoes mostly) that seem fancy to me I feel, for lack of a better single word icky.

I often feel that when I get frustrated over how limited my wardrobe actually is and I'm sad about it, I feel like an icky human being. A gross greedy human being.

And then I get annoyed with myself because I'm a goddamn grown up and I work for my money and if I want a pair of fancy to me shoes, I should get some fancy to me shoes without all the bullshit.

For as gentle as I advocate everyone be with themselves, I am really terribly hard on myself.

I have extremely high expectations of myself and when I don't fulfill them I tend to put the emotional hammer down on myself.

I'm having one of those days.

Continuing with the confessional mood.

I've mentioned on and off doing an etsy store for low cost, warm weather stuff. Crocheted scarves mostly.

Now honestly I am really kind of scared because as the adage goes you have to spend money to make money. And I have to buy some good quality yarn and that costs money and I'm terrified that I won't sell anything and it will be a huge waste of money.

Money that could go towards things like food, electric bill etc.

So yeah.

Anyway.

I'm doing this amusing affiliate thing. Trying to see if I can not spend a dime and earn enough to get myself some gift cards. I put my link in the sidebar.

~

I seriously started this on Friday but felt kind of embarrassed so never posted it.

Then today despite my still kinda foul emo mood, I decided to post it. I'm human. Sometimes I feel like I've emotionally fallen down and I can't get up and I don't have one of those push button medic alert buttons.

I am feeling a bit better if still overwhelmed and weird.

Sometimes, being human is really fucking difficult.

In the spirit of being human kinda sucking I would also like to admit that I have grown mightily impatient with myself in regards to my sewing abilities.

And clearly I'm having some I am being SUCH a fucking dick to myself and it has this mysterious momentum that I'm not entirely able to stop right now.

And quite frankly, I'm not certain I know how.

So this week my homework and yours is to be nice to yourself.

Forgive yourself the most when youf eel like the biggest tool on the planet.

That's what I'm doing.

And hopefully tomorrow a little outfit round up. Some thrifting talk and I will pick some shoes that are both cute and thrifty.

Homo Out.
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Thursday, October 08, 2009

Hiding in plain sight.

So I know I talked about hosiery yesterday but I'm going to save my review because I'm going to be sent a review pair of stripey plus size tights I want to include for comparison.

So can we talk about fabulousness for a moment? Consider this a continuation from yesterday.

First, Beth Ditto is WORKING IT in this video.



(And as an aside their drummer is hot.)

Moving along.

After my entry yesterday, someone asked me about snark and this also a discussion on Fatshionista (LJ version). Not just snark but downright hatefulness.

I'm talking bout the sort of hatefulness displayed by the ever popular internet trolls. Anonymous people who will never tell you their name or anything but who are so positive they are so much more attractive, smart and awesome than you are for whatever reason.

I can be a very sarcastic and snarky person, I can be downright mean. I try pretty hard to keep that in check because I know myself very well but it happens. I have been known to snark on what or how someone says something but I try to avoid snarking a person as a whole.

It's the difference between saying to a person:

"You are an asshole."

And.

"You are being an asshole."

I think you can behave in an asshole-ish manner and not be a total asshole. And I believe that the reverse is true.

For this entry I want to talk about how I personally deal with asshole behaviour in my general vicinity.

Most of these things I've dealt with both on the intertubes and in my day to day life.

I tend to just not care.

It's an over simplified thing but pretty true.

The fact is, most of the people who've called me names, made fun of me, called me ugly, called me whatever did not and do not know me.

And if someone doesn't know me how much does their judgment of me really matter?

Given the myriad of other things there are to worry about in life, strangers saying whatever they want to about me just isn't up there on the list.

That's why generally speaking I won't follow snarky backlinks unless someone points it out to me. Why I won't go galloping to my own defense. I really, simply can't be arsed to.

On the other hand, sometimes I do feel like when these things happen I may have an opportunity to say something that someone might need to hear.

The fact is folks, you cannot protect yourself from, nor really do anything about what other people are going to say about you. Especially if they think they can get away with saying whatever the fuck they want.

With that in mind, I highly advocate learning how to let it go.

So todays lesson my homies is this.

Don't Let the Bastards Get You Down.

Don't let anyone keep you from taking care of yourself, or loving yourself. Don't let anyone dictate to you how you should feel about yourself for any goddamn reason.

Fuck em.

Say it with me,

Fuck em.

Also, don't take yourself too seriously because sometimes, you are probably being an asshole and that's okay too. It happens.

I ran out of steam. This is me laughing at myself because I started doing something else and forgot I started this entirely.

With that I bid you goodnight my darlings.

Homo Out.
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Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Can I get an amen?

We all know that I'm not usually a manifesto sort of lady.

However this one from Shameless Mag gives me a bit of a happy, and I found it via Ms. Dangerous Lilly.

I want to quote this bit:

BECAUSE being a hot fat girl is a lot of work and is undervalued or unrecognized.


Now I would like to add that not only is being a hot fat girl a lot of work, undervalued and unrecognized but, in and of itself loving your fat body or hell loving your body at all is a subversive act.

I touched on this way back here but I want to go further and not get distracted.

I fully believe that human beings, in whatever form you are, are pressured and chained to hating yourself. You're supposed to hate your body, hate your socioeconomic status, hate your car, hate your lack of a car, hate something about yourself. We're supposed to feel these burning hatreds, feel like we are not right or good as we are and seek to change those things.

Even when those things are not necessarily things that need changing.

Everywhere we look, thinner thighs, bigger cocks, less hair, more hair, no grey hair, etc etc.

Why is it that being content with oneself is (in America at least) such a seemingly terrible thing to do? Self help gurus, fitness gurus, and other people who pretty much just want your money will be the first to tell you that you're not okay, you're not awesome you're just deluding yourself.

It's almost a religion, this push to become something other than yourself and I call fucking bullshit.

If you strip away these things and you take a minute, and you do in fact think of yourself as yanno kinda awesome, run with it.

I think it would do humanity at large a great service to be encouraged to find those wonders in themselves. In each other. Without the idea that one must change this or that, that one must not be happy with ones body.

I do not believe that shame is a healthy thing to put forth if you're not doing anything wrong.

And damn skippy it's easy to get shamed when you're not what the mainstream considers beautiful or doing whatever properly.

Think about how many people don't get just angry but enraged that fat people are not having the bullshit.

Think about some of the more persistant folks who get so angry when someone fat does, well anything.

All those people who bitch about fat people at the gym, or fat people at the store.

Or people get so irrationally angry when they spot someone they deem as Not really disabled using a disabled parking placard or something to assist them in getting around.

Why? How is this type of attitude at all conducive to having a good life? And I'm not talking about the people these sort of people get angry about, I'm talking about the people themselves.

While I may not like what someone says, I don't want them to suffer. To tell you the truth it just makes me sad.

All this said, half of this was sparked by a remark in a facebook conversation awhile back, someone I know kinda peripherally sent me a message telling me that they think fat activism is awesome but she doesn't think she could ever really contribute.

To that I say, just learning to love yourself and treat yourself with respect and dignity is contributing.

Walking around just the way you are with your head up high and feeling like, no knowing that you are an awesome creature is a damn fine step.

And to my eyes a damn fine manner of subversion and yes, activism.

I'm not saying you have to have perfect self esteem all the time because I don't think that's possible.

If you do want to take it a step further, blog about it. Blog about your ups and downs. I think blogging is a really powerful medium to share what you have to say. And don't tell me nobody is interested, I thought for years no one wanted to hear my random ass yammering in the form of a blog but hey look here you are.

With that my darlings I think I'm done for the day. I'm plotting some fatshion review type things. Tomorrow I review some tights I bought on Ebay and that are lovely colors but the fit is wacked.

I also have some more online thrifting advice and thrifty (as in Winter shopping for broke asses) advice and my own tribulations with it to share.

Now, homies and haters. You have homework. Tell me one thing about yourself that you think is the mother fucking bomb.

Anything you want.

Homo Out.

(OH PS...I keep forgetting to take outfit photos, I have some newer cute outfits that I really want to share don't let me forget.)
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Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Glamour etc.

I was reading over at the F-word and found this post about Glamour's nekkid "fat" ladies issue.

At first glance the shot is okay...just okay.

It seems quite forced to me, the models don't look comfortable and not in an edgy (to quote Mr. Jay) broke down doll kind of way. It's not editorial, it's just kinda blah.

However, despite the lackluster shot I can see that they were in fact working hard for the diversity angle. The models themselves (in terms of FASHION people) have differing plus size bodies. There is a model of color. That said, the models are styled in a way that makes them kind of homogeneous in a way I don't really care for. Look at their cheekbones and hair styling, how their bodies are positioned and yeah it does not move me.

My personal aesthetic preferences aside, I think it is a step in the right direction. Is it perfect? No. However it does serve the purpose it sets out to in a way. These models are what Glamour needs, they are easily accessible and not intimidating for your average fashion magazine reader.


From my perspective, Glamour and it's sisters are pretty useless to me. Although I read fashion magazines fairly obsessively through my teen years and early twenties, I rarely ever took a thing in them to heart. Some core part of my personality does not allow me to absorb a lot of things. I have the super power to glide right on by things that set off my internal Bullshit-O-Meter.

So there's my take on the Glamour thing. I really tend to be unimpressed when huge corporations do things out of pressure rather than trail blazing, it feels cheap to me and I have no interest in supporting them.

It seems like as I get older I really give less and less of a good goddamn what woman's magazines are saying or doing. More often than not my reaction to anything in a fashion magazine is meh.

Then again, I am a huge fan of awesome photography which often occurs in fashion magazines.

While I'm on the subject of photography I saw this over at Rachel Kramer Bussel's tumblr and I love it. I love the look on the models face, I love that it's for a book trailer. I. Love. That. Photo.

Now more links and these are totally not safe for work unless your workplace doesn't mind nekkid. I found this photographer named Michael Barone I don't remember how and I read his blog but the thing I love is his Red Chair Project. I love those photographs so much.

Speaking of beauty, can we talk about Ms. Coy Pink for a second? She is delicious in the most wonderful way. And she's funny and smart which are things that make my knees weak. She is lovely. Go enjoy her HNT's of awesome.

Frankly if there were more of what I've shared with you here in the world, I would be a happy happy kitten.

In other news. I have 3 essays done (two of which are about sexytimes) and I've been laboriously going through my archives trying to find some entries I want to include in my antho. I'm pretty certain I'm going to stick to putting it out myself. Truth be told my homies, I'm a little leery terrified to shop non fiction.

Yes my homies, yours truly is kind of a chicken shit.

It's a huge HUGE deal for me to even be doing this so, let's call it a baby step rather than calling it chickenshitness.

Yeah, I totally made up that word.

I think I'm going to shelve the erotica thing for now. I'm just not feeling it at all which is unfortunate but I'm not going to force it.

Um.

OH before I forget Nanowrimo is coming up next month, who's doing it and who wants to be my buddy during the process?

Okay enough. It's late and Uniballer is playing some kick ass 80's music and I need to get up and shake my ass before bed.

Homo Out

PS..tomorrow I'm talking about some more fat girl exercising. And some queries I want to put out to you guys.

Also...I love you guys. Now your homework is to admire something about your body. For real, look at some part of your body and tell that part all of the things about it that are wonderful.

Don't ask why just do it.

I will be having this talk with my swollen sore left knee.

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