Thursday, January 14, 2010

Go get some baby!

Before I get to advice for our homie I have a wee announcement.

My Homie of Hotness (hehe I am calling her this forever now) DangerousLilly is selling some clothes sizes 12-16ish I think. Go check out her Tumblr. And buy some stuff cause the two things I wanted one would be too big and the other I already have one.

Second a few of you have asked and no I have no opinion that I feel like sharing about the current kerfluffle(s?) in the Fatosphere. At least not right now.

Now onto advice for our recently divorced homie.

I'm in my early 40s, and after many years of marriage, for reasons beyond my control but good ones, I'm proceeding with a divorce. We have one child, who is still in preschool, and I'm going to have sole custody (not a lot of time on my own).
The last time I was single was in the early 90s. I "dated" in college -- a couple of long-ish relationships and a few "hook-ups" but I have been monogamous during my marriage.
Now that I'm about to be back on the open market -- aaaaak! What do I do? I don't know the rules -- I don't know when to get tested and what for, or even what gender I'm interested in being with! When I think about being with a guy, it's sort of meh, but I'm finding the thought of being with a woman waaaaaay more interesting and exciting. I have always been a big girl, and I want to be with someone who gets a big smile on her or his face when she or he sees me naked. I've never been with a woman sexually before but I don't want to be a pesky annoying straight woman "experimenting" -- I honestly don't know who I want to be with at this point. I'm not necessarily looking for a long-term relationship, but sex and intimacy would be nice. Also, this doesn't have to happen immediately, since I can barely find the time to breathe as it is. I'm just now starting to think I could open my heart again and my libido is certainly raring to go. I have a feeling you are going to say "go slow." Your advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm ready to hear it.

Okay my darling.

First of all Happy Get SOME baby!

First rule of fight wait sorry.

First of all you are to get thee to the doctor for a check up. Ask for an STI screening and make sure you get screened for the works. EVERYTHING.

I want you to do this not only for the health and well being of your future partners but because you are a Mama and because you love yourself.

Second remember when it comes to who you do or don't want to sleep with your rules cause it's your party. You can do it on the first date, you can do it and decide you don't really want to date but want a booty call, as long as you are honest with your partner(s) it's all good.

Now if you are curious about being with a woman be honest. Let's say you set yourself up a profile on OKCupid or something. There is nothing wrong with saying something like:

"I think I am bi/queer/etc-curious and I would really like to meet a woman who has (insert stuff you like here) and who is compassionate and gentle."

Since you don't have time I suggest maybe finding some folks to correspond with. That way you can take your time and get back into flirting and talking to people you think are sexy.

Have a friend take a nice picture of you in your favorite outfit. Put that with your profile if you choose to have one and BAM there does not have to be any discussion about your body and you'll be talking to folks who look at you and think HOT DAYUM!

Alternately describe yourself the way you'd want someone else to describe you. Use the kind of self(you) loving language you would want some hot booty having partner to whisper in your ear.

Now since you're going to be going into this slowly let's talk about some YOU stuff.

Before you start doing it or dating anyone I want you to make damn sure you love yourself really well.

I want you to get to know yourself outside of your marriage which I personally think is important. I think when we get out of a relationship sometimes we can hang on to who we were before that even though we have changed.

So when your wee one is in bed or busy doing weird little kid things like intently studying a booger think about what kinds of things you want.

Take some good care of yourself. In a nutshell I am recommending dating yourself.

Once in awhile get a sitter and do something that makes you happy. You don't even have to go anywhere. Paint your nails, do your hair, do your eyebrows. Lay about and read a book take a nap you get the picture.

I'm saying woo yourself.

Take some time and treat yourself like you want to be treated by other people.

My biggest piece of advice is to not compromise yourself. You don't have to bend your wants or desires to what anyone else might say or expect. If someone makes you uncomfortable they can fuck off. If someone wants something you don't want to give they can fuck off.

This is your universe and until you decide who you want to share it with that means you get to make the rules and be Empress of your world.

I also recommend lots of masturbation, lots of looking at yourself like you are Mother Fucking Christmas because baby, you are.

Now homies, do you have advice?

Want to cheer our friend on?

Do it.


Okay sorry I'm feeling a little bossy today.

I love you guys.

Homo Out.


mccn said...

Go go go, lady! And good luck to you! The fact you are asking those questions of Shannon the AWESOME shows you're already ahead of the game. :) And I think, really, no matter our experience or orientation or whatnot, we all are wondering about the rules and what they are and how it all works. So just get out there and know that the worst that can happen is a little disappointment, as long as you keep safe, and the best that can happen is all kinds of fun, and attraction, and even liking and love! We're rooting for you!

RachelH said...

I don't have any further suggestions, but just wanted to second that that is brilliant advice from Shannon. And not just for divorced people but for ANYONE who is feeling a little uncertain or self conscious about the sexytimes thing. Woo yourself first. Oh yeah.

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