Thursday, February 11, 2010

Better today.

First of all thank you.

Each and every one of you who commented thank you.

I truly appreciate you guys in ways that are probably mushy and crazy.

I am better today. Still fucking exhausted from the new epic commute but I am calmer.

I rolled in my panic for a little bit, made myself get through it and out the other side.

I DO have a good plan.

I also found a pair of cheap pants. I'm going to try out a pair of black Old Navy sweetheart jeans I found on Ebay. Have you worn those? If so feel free to tell me about them.

In other news.

I have decided (again) to revamp how I work the essay store. What I have now is okay but is not exactly what I wanted. So I'm going to leave the three that are available right now and work on my revamp.

Find the three essays here and please please please if you buy one make sure you click return to shop or whatever paypal says to get your download link or use the email link on the store page and let me know that you didn't get your essay and I will email you the link.

What else?

OH I just finished reading a book called Coffee Will Make You Black: A Novel by April Sinclair and I'm kinda sorta developing a mad girlcrush on her in the worst kind of way.

The book is really excellent I will write up a review for Amazon.

Now what's funny is that as I was reading I kept having the feeling that I knew Ms. Sinclair's work.

I just googled her name and voila I figured it out. I commented on a blog post of hers over at RedRoom. (Also if any of you writer types are on RedRoom let's be buddies. I'm here) and my crush grew deeper.

I do actually have a point here that does not involve my frequent innocently childlike romantic feelings towards people.

What I'm really trying to get to is that I am working on a huge writing thing.

I'm writing a real novel.

This is not Nanowrimo. I am not going balls out on it.

And I'm really kind of no really fucking scared.

But fuck it.

Also really despite what sometimes may seem like bulletproof self esteem, when it comes to things I am really passionate about and my ability to do those things I get pretty wibbly.

Between you me and the rest of the fucking universe I get shit fucking scared.

I am often very afraid my friends.

And unlike my propensity to fight feeling vulnerable and like the smushy human I am, I embrace fear.

I pull my fears in close so we can look each other in the eye.

I don't come out swinging like I do with other things. I look at it. I put a name on my fears and then I work it out.

That's not to say that my fears go away or even get better. Sometimes it's enough to just acknowledge how afraid I am at any given moment and sit with it.

I can be afraid with something and still be on friendly terms with it.

For me without fear, without that visceral tug in my guts I don't always realize when I need to work on something or need to deal with something.

It's a personal psychological blind spot for me.

Or just yet another of the strange ways my brain functions in.

Okay I am really tired and need to make some coffee and food.

OH health report.

I have been super exhausted because of the new commute/not sleeping well but I have been paying closer attention to keeping my blood sugar up and that has helped with my fatigue.

For some reason when I've been sick it's difficult for me to take my vitamins but I am back on them and taht has made a difference as well.

Once I'm used to this fucking commute I am hoping to get back to belly dance.

And that's all.

So now really Homo Out.

And I love you my homies, I love you so much.
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