Okay my homies confession times.
I am really fucking stressed out anxious and depressed right now.
At the hands of public transportation I've had to entirely revamp my daily schedule because I can no longer get to work in a timely manner. This means that my day to day commute totals up at four hours now.
This has me freaking out in numerous ways because I quite frankly really hate not having choices and my ease and choice of public transport was part of the reason why we still live in the same area.
So now I am kind of thinking that we may have to move which is a whole other set of serious stressors.
Also, my wardrobe took a near fatal hit.
I did a bunch of laundry and discovered that my two pairs of okay pants are now pretty much unwearable pants. One pair is so way too big and my little hand sewn alterations are not cutting it. Neither pair is in good enough shape that it would be worth taking to a tailor to get them fixed so yeah.
So I need to go buy 1 or 2 pairs of pants next week. Not. Happy.
Also I've been sick (again..fuck sake) and am really fatigued and...I seem to have lost a little weight.
Now my first reaction was thinking okay maybe I'm just kind of dehydrated.
It's not a whole pants size but it's enough of a pants size that my fall back I hate them but will wear them to keep my ass warm jeans fit weirdly and- (here is where my aforementioned want to not be such a dick to myself when I'm feeling wobbly and human comes in) I sat in my bathroom on the toilet without pants on crying.
Now economically speaking I cannot afford for my body to change in significant ways either plus or minus pounds. I just can't.
That being what it is my first reaction was fucking panic you guys.
Even though the weather had a few warm days it's really cold at night and now with my "new and improved" commute home I am outside waiting for a bus near the water for almost an hour and between my bad joints and my dislike of freezing my ladyballs off I am really not excited.
So while still in OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT panic mode I start thinking about some of the other wardrobe pieces I've been squirrling away all Winter. Some pretty skirts and things and I start thinking oh fuck what if I can't stabilize my weight? What if I lose more and the pretty things I saved for and bid sniped on Ebay etc etc don't fit anymore when it gets warm?
This did not quite bring me to tears but I am wibbly and on the edge.
Now going back to my transit issues public transportation is my only option and I have b een trying to plan around this new commute. I thought about taking up the time after work walking since I don't have my afternoon walks but then a little voice in my head kicks in with, but if you lose ten pounds your clothes won't fit.
Being that I am who I am and these sorts of things can seriously trigger huge anxiety (on the level of major panic attacks because I spent a lot of years in strictly survival mode seemingly small possible financial upsets really fuck me up) I kind of hit a bad place.
On one hand the anxious upset part of my brain is telling me to stop thinking about being cute, get some shit to cover my ass and then save every penny I have so we can move. Now that sounds a little rational but because of my issues I know I would go crazy and stop doing a lot of self care things that while they aren't things to help me live they are things that help keep me sane.
It's really fucking hard you guys.
Now the other part of my brain, the calmer part that's been working through these issues is telling me to slow down. That next week after I get paid Uniballer will go with me and help me find some pants and everything will be fine and my ass will be warm and I will figure out what to do.
Picture two wee tiny images of me duking it out a la Fight Club in my brain.
That is kinda where I am at today.
Because that is the emotional space I am occupying I am having to work really hard on not going Mega Asshole on myself.
I am not going to get angry at myself for catching a bad cold.
I am not going to get angry at myself for being poor.
I am not going to get angry at myself for maybe having some physical changes.
I am not going to get angry at myself for being frightened.
I am not going to get angry at myself for feeling vulnerable and holy fucking shit human.
Right now my homies it would really mean a lot to me if you would like to just tell me it's okay.
Send me a good thought.
Point me towards uber cheap leggings, or pull on boot cut pants.
Show me some noodz.
Tell me a stupid joke.
Post links to cute animals or babies.
Post links to ugly animals I love them too.
And then if you would please take a moment to tell yourself how much I appreciate that you even read this far. Being open and vulnerable is really fucking hard for me and thank you for letting me do it.