Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Breaking news, I'm human.

Okay my homies confession times.

I am really fucking stressed out anxious and depressed right now.

At the hands of public transportation I've had to entirely revamp my daily schedule because I can no longer get to work in a timely manner. This means that my day to day commute totals up at four hours now.

This has me freaking out in numerous ways because I quite frankly really hate not having choices and my ease and choice of public transport was part of the reason why we still live in the same area.

So now I am kind of thinking that we may have to move which is a whole other set of serious stressors.

Also, my wardrobe took a near fatal hit.

I did a bunch of laundry and discovered that my two pairs of okay pants are now pretty much unwearable pants. One pair is so way too big and my little hand sewn alterations are not cutting it. Neither pair is in good enough shape that it would be worth taking to a tailor to get them fixed so yeah.

So I need to go buy 1 or 2 pairs of pants next week. Not. Happy.

Also I've been sick (again..fuck sake) and am really fatigued and...I seem to have lost a little weight.

Now my first reaction was thinking okay maybe I'm just kind of dehydrated.

Nope.

It's not a whole pants size but it's enough of a pants size that my fall back I hate them but will wear them to keep my ass warm jeans fit weirdly and- (here is where my aforementioned want to not be such a dick to myself when I'm feeling wobbly and human comes in) I sat in my bathroom on the toilet without pants on crying.

Now economically speaking I cannot afford for my body to change in significant ways either plus or minus pounds. I just can't.

That being what it is my first reaction was fucking panic you guys.

Even though the weather had a few warm days it's really cold at night and now with my "new and improved" commute home I am outside waiting for a bus near the water for almost an hour and between my bad joints and my dislike of freezing my ladyballs off I am really not excited.

So while still in OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT panic mode I start thinking about some of the other wardrobe pieces I've been squirrling away all Winter. Some pretty skirts and things and I start thinking oh fuck what if I can't stabilize my weight? What if I lose more and the pretty things I saved for and bid sniped on Ebay etc etc don't fit anymore when it gets warm?

This did not quite bring me to tears but I am wibbly and on the edge.

Now going back to my transit issues public transportation is my only option and I have b een trying to plan around this new commute. I thought about taking up the time after work walking since I don't have my afternoon walks but then a little voice in my head kicks in with, but if you lose ten pounds your clothes won't fit.

Oh fuck.

FUCK.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Being that I am who I am and these sorts of things can seriously trigger huge anxiety (on the level of major panic attacks because I spent a lot of years in strictly survival mode seemingly small possible financial upsets really fuck me up) I kind of hit a bad place.

On one hand the anxious upset part of my brain is telling me to stop thinking about being cute, get some shit to cover my ass and then save every penny I have so we can move. Now that sounds a little rational but because of my issues I know I would go crazy and stop doing a lot of self care things that while they aren't things to help me live they are things that help keep me sane.

It's really fucking hard you guys.

Now the other part of my brain, the calmer part that's been working through these issues is telling me to slow down. That next week after I get paid Uniballer will go with me and help me find some pants and everything will be fine and my ass will be warm and I will figure out what to do.

Picture two wee tiny images of me duking it out a la Fight Club in my brain.

That is kinda where I am at today.

Because that is the emotional space I am occupying I am having to work really hard on not going Mega Asshole on myself.

I am not going to get angry at myself for catching a bad cold.

I am not going to get angry at myself for being poor.

I am not going to get angry at myself for maybe having some physical changes.

I am not going to get angry at myself for being frightened.

I am not going to get angry at myself for feeling vulnerable and holy fucking shit human.

Right now my homies it would really mean a lot to me if you would like to just tell me it's okay.

Send me a good thought.

Point me towards uber cheap leggings, or pull on boot cut pants.

Show me some noodz.

Tell me a stupid joke.

Commiserate.

Post links to cute animals or babies.

Post links to ugly animals I love them too.

And then if you would please take a moment to tell yourself how much I appreciate that you even read this far. Being open and vulnerable is really fucking hard for me and thank you for letting me do it.

Homo out.
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12 comments:

Tari said...

Uck. I am sorry you're dealing with so much crap all at once. I love it when life piles it all up like that.

I'm kinda there with you right now...I've been work stressing, which has led to my typically well-managed back issues blowing all the hell up and me being in a place of daily pain and unable to find time or energy for the level of self care that keeps that pain manageable. And of course, this happens right when I'm apartment hunting myself, and sort of need energy to do more than work and sleep. Assuming I can effing sleep, which becomes an issue when the pain gets chronic.

I keep trying to breathe and remind myself that if I don't do something now, my body will break down and *make* me...but it's really hard to carve out space for anything.

Aaaaanyway. To get back to YOU, I hope you can find a solution to your commute-related woes ('cause DAMN four hours is too long) AND that you feel better soon. Cheesy as it sounds, one way or another, it really will be all right.

Oh, and also you are awesome and fabulous and kick fucktons of ass. You know, in case a reminder helps.

Piffle said...

I recommend a nice cup of tea and a shoulder massage from Uniballer.

If you have a tub, run a bubble bath (shampoo works for a bit, if you're short on bath stuff) and read a good book.

Get one of those warming pillows (I made one out of leftover sheets and bulk buckwheat from a feedstore for cheap) and put them on your feet and joints.

If you have access to a library, then check out a book you like or that is useful (sewing? writing? getting published?) and take it to work. Use that hour at the stop to rejuvenate. Or take one of your craft projects in a bag and work on it. I could see you in a cloak, maybe thrift some cloth and make yourself a warm cloak? Black with a pink lining with flowers woven in, I think.

I check your page for stuff all the time; and you make my world a better, brighter place.

I hope you feel better soon. Give Uniballer a hug too, at least you are rich in companionship, if not money.

Anonymous said...

> I check your page for stuff all the time; and you make my world a better, brighter place.


I echo this sentiment. I don't have much helpful to say except I adore you, stranger, and if you're able to quiet your mind a bit from where it is right now, it maybe will help. I do this all the time, one thing piles onto another and no matter how big or small the issues are they paralyze me when I'm piled on, and I have to go to sleep.

Everything you talk about doing is doable. Please don't think you're fucked, because you're not. You don't have to do it all in advance in your head, all at once, because like I have to keep reminding myself, doing it in my head is not doing it at all. Plus, not worth the anxiety.

If I had some smaller-than-me clothes to send you I definitely would.

Also, please ignore this comment if it doesn't help/pisses you off - an acronym I learned from my sister recently - WAIT (why am I talking?) - definitely applies to me.

Many warm thoughts for you from here.

Twistie said...

(Sends virtual hugs, hot chocolate, and badass teddy bear brimming over with 'tude)

I hate it when the hamster wheel in my head goes into overdrive. Try to take a deep breath or two. Give yourself some breathing room. You will be okay, I promise.

You are made of awesome, Nudie. Never forget that.

mccn said...

Oh Shannon lady - you are human, and a wonderful, incredible glorious one at that. I promise you, things are not always going to feel the way they do now - nor are they always going to be the way they are now. And sometimes, that is very cheering. Sending you love and admiration and all the strength I can.

Miriam Heddy said...

I offer you a few photos of a newborn Aye-Aye:
http://www.zooborns.com/zooborns/2009/05/second-ayeaye-ever-born-in-north-america-.html

Not only is the Aye-Aye considered one of the ugliest animals around, but its name also sounds like how you feel right now (or how I sound when I feel that way.)

Wish I could offer something more helpful than that!

ChloeMireille said...

Okay, a 4-hour commute is fucking ridiculous. I'm in Houston, and it's rare that I can spend more than 2 1/2 hours trying to go somewhere.

Bottom line: You need to move.

But don't think about that right now while your brain's all scrambled.

Right now, you need pants. Cheap pants. Go to Ross if you have to. Go to several Rosses. I've seen leggings there for $5.99.

Also, WeLoveColors has an eBay store and they're doing free shipping right now.

maggiemunkee said...

you are made of win and awesome, and a huge part of that comes from acknowledging that you're feeling wibbly and a bit unstable.

that commute is redonk. i'm sorry that you have to put up with it during the coldest part of the year. it is balls. :(

*offers you hugs and hot chocolate*

Anonymous said...

Okay. I suggest you put in -- or find on the interwebs -- the song 'What If' by Creed. And then (and yes, this is corny as hell, but funny) sing along. Really. Just sing along at the top of your lungs. It's ever so much fun to scream, "What if AAHHHHHHH!" Just Cause. It relieves stress, too. I've done this before, and ended up laughing like a lunatic.

You will survive this.

Kjen said...

I nearly teared up reading this post, because I can relate so closely to that near panic, 'what will I do if (enter worse case scenario here.'

Like you told yourself, you have a plan, its a good plan that fits into your life, and you will implement that plan as soon as you are able. So to borrow a phrase, you'll just be taking it one day at at time from now on. Don't think about tomorrow, focus on today.
I wish you the best, being human is painful, but there is a certain beauty to it as well.

ninjamechanic said...

I haven't ever replied before, but you're part of my blog lineup because I appreciate your frank voice.

Here is Internet happy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=at_f98qOGY0

Yes, the Discovery Channel song gets stuck in your head like nobody's business. But it is a late-week happy addition.
~*NM

softestbullet said...

:( Anxiety is the worst!

Here is a beautiful painting you might like:
http://landscapeswithin.tumblr.com/post/381101681/bembacoloraaa-onsexualpaper-ginjuice

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