Thursday, February 04, 2010

It's not a miracle, it's pooping.

Fair warning if you have a delicate nature and cannot deal with talking about poop don't read this.

I have a raging head cold right now.

I've been pretty sick for about a week and a half or so. It's nothing extraordinary just your run of the mill coughing, exhaustion, congestion. The cold has been complicated mainly by freewheeling barometric pressure that turns my sinus cavities into not so fun rides.

Earlier today when I got to my bus stop a woman walked up to me and commiserated for a moment while I coughed and had to blow my nose and made the universal sound of sadness that often accompanies maladies where there is copious snot and after a few shared words of woe about colds she started telling me all about the "wonderful thing" she did to not only get over her cold but she lost a whole pants size too.

She proceeded to explain that at the tail end of her illness she did some new and improved version of the infamous Hollywood Diet.

And then tadaaaaa she had lost something like eight or ten of those ever so terrible stubborn pounds.

I did not have the energy at that moment (nor the need to stomp her happy) but really?

Okay I'm going to tell you exactly what the Hollywood Diet can do for you.


Hold your dollars, feel free to send them in after I let out the secret......

It will make you poop.

Basically the super special concentrated elixer of ass shrinking, is pretty much going to make you poop a lot.

Here is how all of these "detox" super awesome look ma my pants fit things work.

You drink the powder or whatever, drink a lot of water and your bowels get going.

If you poop enough and are not taking in a lot of solids and are super hydrating you'll flush out water weight (which is a perfectly normal thing people) and you will poo a lot.

And as anyone who's ever had a stomach bug will tell you, a lot of pooing will probably leave you with pants that don't quite fit.

There you have it.

So many of these so called miracle diets do little more than make you poop a lot and they don't even warn you first.

Or if you do get a warning it's likely cloaked in bullshit language like "detoxifying" and "cleansing".

Also, your bowels most likely don't need to be cleansed.

When you do these things you run a good chance of fucking up the friendly flora in your bowels. What are friendly flora?

Friendly flora are the bacteria in your bowels in particular that help your body function.

Do not fuck with them.

Leave them alone let them do their thing.

Let them help you poop.

Like many other of the awesome things your body does, if you screw with the process too much you are going to upset your body and thus possibly cause yourself harm.

This is not awesome.

Similarly I've seen a lot of new "diet aids" that are basically bulky fiber.

What they do is fill you up temporarily with fiber so you "feel fuller" and thus don't eat. However, save for a very few I've seen they don't explain that these things are also going to make you poop a lot.


A lot.

Also if you are at all like me and can be sensitive to what types of fiber you put in my our body you may get bad gas.

Personally, I do not think that losing small amounts of weight is at all worth that much pooping and possible discomfort.

My bigger point is that aside from being nice to your body and not fucking around with the processes that are just fine you don't have to do that to yourself.

You do not have to become obsessed with some fluctuating pounds.

You do not have to participate in this nonsense.

Your jeans do not have to be just a little too small at all times.

You're fine.

You're better than fine you are fucking awesome and you do not need it.

Instead of that try fixating on something that's good for you. Wearing sunscreen on your face every day. Doing something nice for yourself that will not fuck up the way you poop.

Remember, do not abuse your bowels they will fire back and it will be messy.

Homo Out.

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