Thursday, March 25, 2010

No fuck you...retry.

While I'm getting ready to move ye old blog, there are going to be hiccups. If you see this post twice ignore one of them please.

I have to admit my friends sometimes despite my frequent calm take downs of things today I am a ball of instant visceral rage.

Ever have one of those days when you read one really stupid fucking thing (I already talked about it here over on tumblr) and then it seems like a cavalcade of bullshit for the rest of the day?

With that in mind today how about some fluff?

Or not.

Let me tell you internets, even though I am often a calm voice, a voice that is not pointing fingers when I'm pissed off sometimes I just don't have the energy to be anyone's Educating Negress and my answer to everything that offends me is the simple and ever eloquent fuck you.

No really fuck you.

There was a time in my life when I expended a lot of energy trying to make things teachable moments.

I took all my rage and I squished it until I could present it as something else.

I was rarely comfortable with my rage. I had at some point along the line decided that I could not let my aggression or rage out because it wasn't right. Why? I couldn't have told you.

I did know that I was afraid when I felt the rage boiling, I was afraid that I was wrong and bad. That I would look bad if I let it out.

Over the years at some point I figured out that yes, rage when released at the wrong people or in purely destructive ways is meaningless at some point. At some point if you're that guy who's always popping off about everything you're just another asshole ranting on the street and who really wants to hear it?

On the other hand if you choose your moments and the method in which you let out the rage it can be a beautiful and illuminating thing.

At least for me.

For me once I learned to really pick my battles and take care with what I have to say something miraculous happened.

Anger no longer makes my stomach churn as easily. I don't expend as much energy flailing about things that I realize I either cannot change or just really do not have the energy to deal with.

And more amazing, people will listen.

Even people who don't know me all that well hear me say I'm angry, they hear what I am saying. They may not agree but the hear and that's just as important to me.

All that said, I also realized that I don't have to make my anger always be about a teachable moment. I do not have to be the Educating Negress.

Sometimes I can just be pissed off and that's okay too.

Moving along to other business.

Being that my initial plan for the Essay thing was not what I wanted I have been casting about for some other system and one of you folks (and let me add here how continually awed and humbled I am by how smart and fantastic you folks are) suggested I do a subscription based essay thing instead of a store.

Now given how quickly I write and edit, I am fairly certain I can come up with two essays or so a month. Maybe three if I stack a few rough drafts up.

I had the idea of doing some email/IM interviews with people I really like. Sex workers, sex bloggers, fat folks, thin folks, authors and business owners. Maybe one a month or so.

Make it more of a um..experience not all about me.

However, I have been tentatively wanting to start trying to get my non-fiction published and there is the issue of a lot of publishers not wanting previously published work. I'm not so prolific that I believe I could write a set of things for a website and a whole other set of things to try and get published.

So I think for now I'm going to sit on this whole thing for a bit. Try and figure out what I want to do.

So no new essays for a bit BUT, over here at LJ you can read some smutty tidbits and other literary experiments that I have been doing while I write my Great American Junkie Novel. Feel free to add me on the lj if you like.

I think that about covers it for today.

I'm spent and I'm going to work on one of the said essays. Or perhaps write a new one.

I love you my homies and haters.

OH funny thing.

So if you've read me for awhile you know my usual sign off is Homo Out.

I've been doing it for years around the internets and it came from my actual life.

I wish I had a picture to show you but I don't so you'll have to imagine.

Picture your very own hostess at 21 years old and heading out to party with a few gay boys.

The theme of our outing was "OH Sparkly" and I wore an outfit that combined the following:

Silver tights
White furry platform boots (kind of like these but with a solid 6" platform rather than heels).
A short silvery/white babydoll dress.
This wig in Virgin. Replete with giant disco ball deedly ball headband.

You got it so far?

So I showed up at my friends place in this monstrosity of an ensemble and when he stepped out of his apartment to get me..wait let me explain that he is not just gay he is GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY (you must do jazz hands and sing that to get the full effect) so he stops looks at me and says:

"That is the gayest thing I've ever seen"

Which caused much laughter and after that whenever I left him I said Homo Out.

And I started signing off that way way back on Diary-x and it stuck.

That is where it comes from.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A formidable but pointless question.

So I've been sitting on a group of questions supposedly sent by three different people from mysteriously the same IP each within about two minutes of each other.

Now aside from the same IP etc etc I realized right away that these are supposed to shame me and/or upset me and I debated just deleting the bullshit but, what the hell.

Basically this person wants to know/inform me that I only gave up things like a vegetarian/vegan diet, the Atkins diet etc because I am somehow morally inferior to people who stick it out.

Since this person put these things in the framework of why I would stop doing these things I'm going to talk about it from that point of view without acknowledging the condescension.

I will be talking about things like pooping, menstrual periods etc so if you are grossed out by those things skip today's entry and go look at puppies.

First thing.

I was a vegetarian then a strict vegan for all together about five years. I was fully invested in the idea that eating that way was better for me and would somehow make my life better. The short answer is that no it did not. Here is the long answer.

Among the many issues I had with a vegetarian diet was that I could barely afford to eat good food. At the time I probably was only making about 11K per year and between rent, bills and transportation I did not have a lot left over. Most of the time I had to eat cheap not that nutrient rich veggies and started to suffer from malnutrition.

I'm going to stop there with the details. I've said this shit ad nauseum.

The fact is that certain types of diets fuck with my physical well being in ways that I do not like.

The big problems I've had with various weightloss diets and "healthy" diets were:

Constipation- that is a huge deal breaker for me when it comes to my health. I do not approve of being constipated at all. Not being able to poop makes me really cranky and makes my guts hurt.

Low blood sugar issues- Among those issues there were fits of temper, brown outs, being unable to concentrate at work for hours on end.

Worse insomnia- I cannot sleep on low blood sugar at all. And being that I already have horrendous insomnia this does not fucking cut it.

Skin problems- I noticed particularly doing both Atkins and eating a strict vegan diet no matter how hydrated I was my skin did not look good. It was lackluster and unhealthy looking.

Immune system difficulties- being that my body was weakened by these diets I got sick a lot. Not only sick but where I might normally just have the sniffles I was getting full blown long lasting colds etc and I really could not afford it.

So the bottom line is that my changing how I ate or quitting certain diets was a matter of some moral failing or lack of willpower. For me it was a matter of being what? Healthy.

As I sit here being a fatass who by the standard arbitrary calculations (BMI mostly) should drop dead at any second am probably at least 60% healthier than I was when Iw as a.)thinner and b.)dieting.

I am not going to sacrifice my well being in order to be thin or even thinner for the most part.

I am not going to walk around in a low blood sugar can't poop rage filled haze so I can look like what too many people think looks healthy.

Currently if we are going to go on looks I look healthy.

My skin is not dull, it is pretty awesome. My hair is shiny. My nails are strong. My hair is not falling out. I have pretty regular periods. If looks are the measure of health so many people think they are, fat aside I look pretty damn healthy.

The issues I take with this kind of mentality are these.

First of all there is no one size fits all health. There was not sixty years ago, there is not now. What makes one person fit healthy and happy may make another one sick or even kill them.

What I mean is this.

Let's say that you are a slim athletic person who does a lot of running and you eat a varied mainly vegetarian diet.

Got it?

Now you are healthy, you are super healthy fit and in shape. You are super awesome.

Let's make up another person who is pretty close to you. Someone with the same build, and the same eating habits. This person runs and finds out that they have say anemia which is exacerbated by a diet low in red meat and that that all of that running causes them to do cartilage damage to their knees.

Now let's say that the two of you have the same diet and habits for a period of four years at the end of which Doctor somebody performs diagnostic tests on both of you to check your health levels. You are doing great. Doctor Somebody tells you that you are wonderful and healthy. Person B isn't doing so well.

Now if person B stops running and changes their diet to a more carnivorous based diet and instead of running starts doing yoga does that suddenly make person B some kind of failure?

Should person B keep doing things that are harming them in the long run in order to keep their body looking the same way?

Is that decision really any of your business?

Is this a possible scenario?

Yeah it is.

It is because human beings are incredibly diverse despite the fact that we all have more or less the same inner workings. The clockworks are the same but how those clockworks function at an optimal level for each individual person is, yes highly individual.

Second big issue.

As I've stated time and again appearance does not equal a visible read on the the health picture of a person.

For instance. Someone I like very much on a personal level has an illness that is sometimes visible (as in sometimes she has issues with mobility and may be using a cane or be in a wheel chair and sometimes not),now despite how she may look day to day, her level of health is not changing in a way that you can point at her one day and say OH HAHAAAAAAA Ms Plucky Handicapable Lady*(I say this tongue in cheek and so she will probably know who she is, I'm pretty sure she will) look you don't need a cane today YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY YER WELL. not really.

Just looking at this lady will not tell you what's going on in her body any more than looking at me will tell you what's going on inside mine. You don't have superpowers, you don't have some kind of OH SHIT YER GUNNA DIE vision.

And my last point here is that really it's none of your goddamn business.

It is not your business what the lady with the taut buttocks of might in running tights jogging down the street eats or how she exercises or what health issues she might have.

Just as it's not any of your damn business what the fat lady in the kick ass outfit walking down the street eats or how she exercises or what her health issues she might have.

Other human beings are not all here strictly for your visual amusement.

You not liking my appearance give you no special rights. It gives you no special power it gives you nothing.

There is a wonderful thing about life. You do not have to want to screw everyone you see and those people don't have to care whether you want to screw them or not.

You do not have to like looking at fat people. You can not look at them if you don't want to.

IF you are so wrapped up in your own ideas about attractiveness and what is okay in your life that you feel that everyone must conform to that and in order to get them to conform you are going to shame them or hate them as I have said before I don't believe you.

And that's all I've got to say about it today.

Homo Out.

Also I got an update from the Dude reader who wants advice and that is coming up tomorrow. Also finally an explanation of my exit line.

Homo Really Out.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Questions and answers cause it's my birfday.

It's my birthday today I've collected some questions that are indeed a little random and I reworded some of them to fit what I'm working with brain power wise today, so here we go. Random questions about your hostess. If you have more questions drop by the ask Nudiemuse form or leave em in the comments.

First question one of our homies would like to know what kind of shoes I like.

Well I really LOVE all sorts of shoes but for practical purposes I like to wear stompy boots, cute flats and the occasional pair of low heels. Because of my knee problems I haven't worn really high heels (despite a lingering lust for them) in a really long time. Any shoes I buy must be comfortable because I don't own a car so I'm on the hoof a lot.

Next up- what kind of exercise do you enjoy? Asked by reader N.

Well my homie, my two favorite forms of exercise are walking and dancing. I have loved to dance since I was in pre-school and taking jazz and tap classes. I love it. Dancing makes me feel joyful and good inside. And I love to walk because I enjoy getting places under my own steam at my own pace.

I'm not super into exercise classes or going to the gym. Frankly I hate going to gyms. I want to do my thing and be left alone, I don't want to listen to other people grunting and sweating it's just not my bag.

Currently most days I walk on average 3-4 miles give or take a half mile or two. I bellydance when I can but my knee situation has made bellydance practice rather impractical so I've cut back.

This is a good question- Are there naked pictures of you on the internet?

Honestly there may be there may not be. Naked pictures of me exist, I posed for some, some are snapshots etc. Are they on the internets? Maybe.

I don't really care. None were money making ventures so whatevs.

HOWEVER-if I can find one of the black and white shots Uniballer took a few years ago I will post one. I'm not sure if it's around anywhere or not.

Next question- Can you sing? If so can we hear you singing?

Yes I can. I am not a power singer, I do not have a huge voice. I have a scratchy natural tenor. If you're not musically inclined I've got more of a dude range than a typical lady range.

If you happen to catch me in the wilds of Seattle or on vacation somewhere there may be karaoke.


A regular reader wants to know why I don't have a big comment policy.

Reason number one is I don't get that many comments in general. Reason number two is that if you are reading here you can say whatever you want, the only real policy I have is the promise that even if I dig you and think you're cool, if you say something stupid or problematic I will probably need to say something.

Furthermore, if you are making public comments and showing your ass either with or without a name do I really need to delete that?

I don't think I do.

Have I gotten hateful comments? Yes. Have I gotten private notes with everything from poorly spelled racial slurs to ZOMG FAT BITCH type things? Yes. Occasionally yes these things hurt my feelings but on the other hand I feel like I must've struck some sort of nerve to piss someone off that much and that's okay.

I will delete things that are plain spam. But really say what you want just don't expect to be lauded or make me cry because you're probably not going to.

If you are going to troll let me tell you a few things. I am not going to GTFO the internets because some anonymous person hates me because I'm black, fat, queer, weird, verbose or whatever other reason. There are few things anyone can say to me on the internet that has not already been said to my face. So no I'm not going to have a massive breakdown. You keep on doin what you're doin' I'll keep on doin what I'm doin and everything will be fine.

Also one last little note, if you're going to troll from a specific link use an anonymizer unless you want me to see what you and your homies are saying. I know how to use analytics and in that process analyze backlinks.

Next up someone wants to know or rather explain to me the following:

Why don't you just admit that you're fat because of the way you live?

Well my lifestyle is not what it appears you think it is. This is for several reasons:
First one is that I do not own a car at all. Thus I do not drive at all and walk a lot. How much is a lot? I have a spreadsheet I kept for a two month span last Winter where I wore a pedometer every day and on average for those two months (where because of the weather I walked less than I would if the weather was nicer) I walked 5-7 miles a day all told.

Now that figure does not account for days where I am running around at work a lot or days when I miss a bus and decide to go for a walk rather than stand around and wait for another one.

I would like to be able to do more dedicated exercise that I enjoy. Belly dance etc but, I do have fatigue and joint issues that make that difficult.

Also, you may be shocked but I don't really eat that much. I have some problems making sure that I eat regularly and eat enough in a day. I am not now nor have I ever been a binge eater, I don't really emotionally eat. While I do love food, I honestly forget to eat sometimes until I don't feel well and that's not good.

Because I don't eat enough all the time I am very careful abut making sure I take a good vitamin. I drink a lot of water because it makes me feel good and helps my skin look good. I'm not a huge soda drinker. I like some junk food on occasion. All told my dietary habits as a whole are pretty good and work pretty well for me.

After looking at my habits in regards to food and exercise it seems pretty clear to me that this is my body's happy size. Yep, my set point. It takes extremely drastic measures to cause changes in my body size up or down and those are not things I'm really into doing so, I will stay this fat for the foreseeable future.

So I'm admitting it, my regularly exercised, well hydrated and well nourished body is the reason I'm still fat.

There you go.

Okay I think that's enough for now. I will leave you my homies with this.

At 33 I can say with full confidence that life is too short to spend fucking with other peoples happy.

And I love you guys. I love you homies, haters, lurkers and passers by.

Homo Out.

PS...ffffffffuuuuuuuuuck I forgot to explain the Homo Out thing. Maybe tomorrow. essay shop is still nominally open. I was not pleased with my plan and haven't been promoting it. But if you would like to get an essay click here, then if you do buy one or all of them, make sure you click RETURN TO MERCHANT on the payment page to get your downloads. If you don't get them in a timely manner email me and i will get you the link as soon as I see your mail.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Anon says.

Anon had this to say about yesterdays entry.

So when other people talk to you about the dangers of being fat, it's unwanted concern trolling.

But when you talk to others about the dangers of dieting, it's "hey why so offended? I'm just trying to be helpful!"

lol, hypocrite. Game, set, match.

Frankly Anon yes and no. There is the issue of approach. If I walk up to someone who I believe is on a diet and start screaming at them or berating them about possible issues with their dieting, I am being an asshole. If I am talking to someone I care for and express genuine concern in a manner that is not condescending or rude it is not concern trolling.

If someone comes to me with genuine concern (you see what I did there with the italics?) about what effect my weight may or may not have on my body I have no issues discussing it.

What I do take issue with is that my weight is somehow the sole signification of my health status.

What I take issue with is when so called concern is presented in a disingenuous manner as you were so kind to demonstrate.

You in particular Anon I would not take seriously or take any "concern" you displayed because of your manner. In essence you are either being deliberately obtuse because ZOMG FATTASS has something to say. Or you just don't get it and can't get around the whole issue of Fat.

I myself draw the line between concern trolling and genuine concern like this.

Let's have a pretend conversation:

Random Person: Hey you're fat you're gonna get diabetes.

Me: I am fat and do not have diabetes nor have I ever shown any signs of diabetes.

Random Person: But your FAT FATTY and you're GONNA GET IT CAUSE YOU'RE FAT!

That is trollish, that is not real concern. That is pushing an agenda on the basis of a single fact which really is generally not the way to have a productive dialogue about anything.

Scenerio 2.

Random Person: Hey you're fat you're gonna get diabetes.

Me: I am fat and do not have diabetes nor have I ever shown any signs of diabetes.

Random Person: Really? That's pretty awesome. I'm glad that you don't have diabetes or show signs of it.



Person: Hey you've gained some weight recently are you worried about high blood pressure? You know I'm on this diet and my BP has gone down and I've lost thirty five pounds.

Me: I have gained a little weight I fluctuate by about ten pounds and my BP is doing really well. I'm happy with my body and I don't really want to diet.

Person: But you can lose so much weight so fast on this diet it's great! You should do it.

Me: I don't really want to and rapid weight loss like that can be bad for your health. And I'd rather keep my weight stable than go up and down, in the long run that's not good either.

Person: Really? I didn't know that. That has to be better than diabetes and high blood pressure and...


Now that conversation if the person really wants to have a dialogue about fat or me being fat or dieting for that matter they will do those things that make for an effective conversation.

In my book trolling means that there is no interest on the part of said troll to engage in discourse.

The concern troll wants to say what they have to say and what has already been said, or even the person they are speaking to doesn't matter.

Concern trolling is often demonstrated when someone says things like, well HA I showed you.

Concern trolling is often evidenced by the pervasive and burning need to be right.

Concern trolling is when someone pretends to be an ally but in fact only wants to push their idea of what's going on.

In this context, that being fat is absolutely always bad for you no matter what. And wasn't that your point Anon?

Now not once have I advocated or indulged here in that kind of thing. If you read back I welcome divergent viewpoints BUT as I have said again and again, if you hit and run or say something dumb I am probably going to take your opinion less seriously.

Being that this is my litterbox and while I may be the Dowager Empress of All Fatassia, I can only speak for my own actions.

Will I listen to someone who is an avid dieter?

Yes I will. I will listen to that person and take in what they have to say.

I will consider what they have to say and how they say it.

I will practice mindfulness in how I speak to them.

I will be mindful that not everyone is coming from a place of accepting themselves or their bodies.

I will be mindful of the fact that not everyone has reached a point where they do not equate looks with health as I do.

I will if need be make sure that the person is aware of the following:

  • I do not believe that Health is a virtue or a moral issue.

  • I do not believe that everyone can, has to or wants to have the same level of health.

  • I do not believe that appearance is the best indicator of individual health.

  • I do not have the right and do not believe I should have the right to make health choices for other people via my vote or my public opinion.

  • I do believe that it is a valuable thing to have an open dialgues about these issues because I fully believe that self acceptance can lead to a healthier and happier life.

And above all of those I have genuine care for other human beings.

I care about people who may be caught in a loop of self loathing because they buy into the hype about obesity and body image.

I care about people who need adequate health care and can't get it because of their weight.

I care about the future of children who are being taught to hate their bodies at younger and younger ages.

I care about the fact that there is so much misinformation it's not easy to be your own advocate.

I care about putting my flavor of love into the universe and doing things like this.

I care about the above because it matters to me how other people feel.

Now Anon if you really take issue with all that, this is where we should part ways.

I have no interest in faux concern, I have no interest in just LOL'ing and running.

To wrap it up.

I will give you this definition of concern trolling from Urban Dictionary:

concern troll

A person who lurks, then posts, on a site or blog, expressing concern for policies, comments, attitudes of others on the site. It is viewed as insincere, manipulative, condescending.

A concern troll commented, "You should be careful about what you write because you might get in trouble with the government." Another concern troll wrote, "This debate makes our side look disorganized."

Now, Anon or anyone else for that matter.

If you do catch me encouraging that behavior in any way whether it's towards people who diet, people like Meme Roth or anyone else feel free to LOL and call me a hypocrite.

Now if y'all will excuse me.

I'm going to do a little stretching and tea drinking.

Tomorrow, some sex advice for one of our homos and I'll finally explain my tag line.

Homo Out.


Let me give a shoutout to Daniel and our new homies from BBWNW. Make them welcome.

And remember please, for the love of fluffy bunnies my homies do not let me eat any more fucking dairy this week. If you are in Seatown and see yours truly about to nom on anything cheese related you have my full permission to smack that out of my hand.

Ow. My. Guts.

Okay now really homo out and I love you guys. You too Anon. Good try.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

A few words for non-fat people.

All too often there is a prevailing thought process in people who are not fat when they speak of or to fat people. Or even about fat people. For the record I'd like to give my home skillets who are not of the fat ass sort a few words of wisdom from the fat side of the force.

(Now I am going to use generalities here that are based on personal experience, talking to other fat people and 32 years of observation. Do remember, I'm not a stats thrower so if you want statistics do your own damn research.)

First thing.

Fat people are fully aware most of the time that they yes fat.

Yes there are people who are unaware for whatever reason as to the size of their body but a large percentage of us are fully aware.

That being what it is, you (as in the at large populace) do not need to stop and point, walk up to people and say ZOMG FATASS etc.

All that is is an excuse to be rude.

Here's the thing.

Bodies are not public property. My body is really none of your damn business. And if you feel perfectly within your rights to walk up to me on the street or where ever so you can declare for the world to hear (as if the world cannot see)that I am fat, I do hope that your philosophy goes both ways so I may then comment in turn. Honestly I probably wouldn't comment in turn out of spite but more out of a hope that you might find the taste of your own medicine bitter and gross.

The thing is nobody likes their body being examined and commented on by strangers. In American culture I fully believe that if we as human beings stop participating in that (and yes I mean even when it's gleefully full of schadenfreude) the impulse to have the media etc do it would lessen.

Next thing.

Maybe you have discovered the absolute fountain of thin. You have discovered that five servings of unicorn pee and never eating any white food is the miracle "cure" for having a body that does not conform to some arbitrary standard of visual health. Most fat people don't really want to hear about it. It's not that said fat person thinks you're a dick (though they might if you are behaving in a dickish manner) but, not everyone wants that.

For instance.

I had some friends who were on the Atkins diet and collectively lost a shit load of weight. When I expressed not only disinterest in playing but talked about some of the dangers of that diet and the dangers of losing a lot of weight that quickly they took it very personally. I was not attacking their personalities or choices. I did not all of a sudden think myself better than them in any way. I just offered a different viewpoint and it did not go over well.

That did not have to happen.

Simply because I personally have no interest in the latest greatest ass shrinking program does not mean that I will hate you or put you down if you are interested in said latest greatest ass shrinking program. I want you to make a fully informed decision that maybe includes more information than just OMG some celebrity lost eleventy dress sizes doing this.

I want you to know that most likely that person had things like professional trainers and chefs at their beck and call. That most likely that person was not doing whatever thing they are marketing and that whatever celebrity diet guru doesn't give a fuck about your health and just wants to make money. I want you to know that you're just fine and you don't have to torture yourself in order to be okay.

Moving along.

Fat people most of the time a.) don't care or need to hear whether or not you find them attractive unless they are trying to date you. If someone is walking along minding their own business there is no need for you to make sure they know that you do not think they are hot. That is yet another poor excuse to be rude and behave like you have no goddamn home training.

If you are doing this sort of thing whether on line or face to face, it boils down to two things in my mind. 1.) You have really terrible self esteem and upsetting other people makes you feel good and powerful. If that is the case I feel pity for you and genuine sadness. You really don't have to be that way to feel good. Really. 2.) You believe that for some reason you are the sole arbiter of who and what is awesome. Fact is you're not. No really you're not.

The thing about the entire concept of attractiveness is that it's highly subjective. Yes there are standard "ideals" of beauty but when it comes down to interpersonal relationships and yes the sex, no two people ever really want the same thing. Maybe you think one sort of person is the most pants tingling creature ever. Someone else looks at that person and says meh.

That is the facts.

Regardless of who you think is or isn't attractive, those people are going to continue doing their thing. They are going to go off and have some sex, they are going to go on dates, they are going to look at themselves like they are Mother Fucking Christmas and your opinion on the matter largely does not count.

More? Of course there's more.

Most fat folks if you are just some random person don't really care if you think what they are wearing is cute and/or appropriate. If you are not buying the clothes, wearing the clothes or otherwise involved with the clothes it's none of your business.


Even if you are family it is still inappropriate to hassle someone about their body. That means if you really care for someone badgering or belittling them is not okay. If you couch your harassment in pseudo-caring terms you are harming that person.

Let me repeat that so we get it.

If you are insulting, back hand complimenting, belittling, making fun of, poking fun at, even doing that passive aggressive not coming out and saying it thing, playing concerned for the persons health in a way that is little more than shame wrapped up in bullshit, you are hurting that person.

Ask any person who was a fat teenager with Moms especially who engaged in this kind of behavior, if you ask them honestly they were hurt. Some hurt so badly that their self esteem never recovers.

If you think you are acting out of love and you are only causing harm even if the person you are harming never says anything you think about it. If the person you are talking to this way tends to cower, if they get angry if they seem to just kind of start disappearing you need to know that you are responsible for that.

If you really care for and love your fat family member or loved one, you will not participate in their shaming. You will learn to support that person and help them build the self esteem so they want to care for themselves. You will not judge them because their body isn't the body you want. You will celebrate that person when they come out with high self esteem and a good sense of self.

That is part of your role.

And if you cannot bring yourself to do that for whatever reason at least have the decency to leave the person alone about their body.

Now what can you as a non fat person do?

The first thing is to look at your own biases and assumptions. Learn how to check yourself when you start buying all the bullshit.

Learn how to debunk your own ideas about fatness.

If you want to keep going read what fat people have to say. Or talk to fat people without judgment. Subscribe to any one of the fat feeds or fat blogs that's around there are a bunch.

If you're really revving to do something about the "Obesity Crises" start learning about what it's really about. Learn about who makes money in the industry of weightloss and dieting.

If you're science minded start reading some of the well debunked studies about obesity.

If you want to help yourself from a Fat Acceptance standpoint you don't have to be fat. Yep I'm saying it.

You do not have to be fat to learn about Health at Every size.

You do not have to be fat to stand up to prejudice and discrimination.

You do not have to be fat to decide not to indulge in body hate talk.

You do not have to be fat to call bullshit on things like fat taxes and when people spout disinformation about health care.

You do not have to be fat to when you hear someone say something that offends you say, "hey that is not cool."

I will say that doing any of these things when you personally don't have a stake in it (as in you are not a fat person) is hard.

But I believe that if you start on the path you'll find yourself feeling happier and healthier.

Fat acceptance in my book is not just about fat people but about people with bodies.

So that's all for today.

Ask me questions if you like.

Use my Ask Nudiemuse Form, use Formspring, or if you want to hang around for awhile, lurk until you're moved to say something.

And do be warned, if you say something jack assy to me you will get called on it anonymous or not. And I do not promise to be nice.

Go forth and be awesome my homies.

Homo Out.

Friday, March 05, 2010


Just some randomness.

First thing is I may or may not be migrating to word press or something due to Blogger discontinuing to support FTP.

Not super soon because I have to run a backup which I can't do until my computer at home is fixed.

Next thing: I've been using the form spring. Find it here and ask me stuff.

Heather Corinna is doing a study on casual sex and you should go take it. Find it here.

Dirty man extraordinaire Twisted Monk posted this little tidbit the other day and I must admit it made me tingly. Non explicit and still some sexy words.

Uuum...what else?

OH go read this right now. No seriously go read it.

Now I just had the nicest little moment.

As you may or may not know I cannot braid my hair. I can do plaits but not cornrows and it's something that bugs me.

So I learned how to do flat twists.

Wait let me start further back.

I bought myself a fancy maxiglide flat iron for christmas because I would like to master the skill of flat ironing my hair now that it's getting longer. My hair is relaxed but I retained a lot of texture (on the hair forums we say texlaxed) and I've been wanting to learn to be a little more diverse with my hair.

Picture time.

When I don't straighten my hair in anyway usually it looks about like this when I take my hair down at night to detangle and moisturize.


My hair is highly multi textured everything from regular Black girl naps in spots to silky waves in spots.

I love it.

Now last weekend I flat ironed as I mentioned. it was my second time using my maxiglide and I used low heat and didn't get it super straight but I dig it.

This was my hair Monday night after I took my bun down.


Fluffy awesome.

So this week I've been wearing my usual buns and last night while I was playing with my hair. NO really for the first time in my life I cannot keep from touching my hair. It's so soft and healthy and fluffy. I love getting down to my scalp where my new growth is and exploring the textures.

I got my hair parted down the middle and gave myself two chunky imperfect flat twists.

A lovely coworker just said my hair looks really pretty and okay I admit I felt a little puffed up.

This is new to my thirties but for the first time in my adult life my love of my hair shows and I am very into it.

I will probably do a why this is important for this black lady post later but goddamn it it felt nice.

Also while on the way to work a lady I see now and then stopped to tell me that while I was standing in a sunny spot on the sidewalk my hair was glowing and it looked awesome.

That is the henna at work. In sunlight my hair is a mix of varigated browns, auburns and reds. My ONE beautiful white hair sparkles in the sun like a piece of copper.

Speaking of my one white hair.

My birthday is approaching and I have to say that aging so far is kinda fucking awesome.

I am excited about my white hairs. My pubes started going salt and pepper when I was about 24 so that's not as exciting since I am no longer in the business of showing people my pubes.

I FINALLY figured out how to take care of my extremely oily skin and for the first time in my life my skin isn't constantly broken out or irritated. This is a huge deal for me.

Granted I still get carded when I buy cigarettes or booze but I've learned to deal.

This is really random yes I know.

If my computer at home is fixed expect some squeeing because I am declaring it SKIRT TIME!!!!

Fuck pants.

Fuck wearing pants.

Fuck buying pants.

Fuck Pants.

I also just found out that you can create a Target wishlist on line did you guys know that?

That way I can make a list of the essentials that I need and love then purchase them.

In case you're curious about my Target loves you can see my list here. Questions? Do you have some of those items?

Feel free to ask me stuff. Comment about something on the list if it's crappy and you know it.

Um..yeah I'm losing steam.

My brain is in fiction writing and the liminal universe here is not holding my attention.

Also someone remind me next week to explain my sign off. It's a funny story.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

There are never good answers.

I'm still doctor shopping and recently talked on the phone with a nurse practitioner whom I thought I wanted to see. I have a little list of questions and which of those I ask depends on what the other person says.

At one point the NP brought up my weight and without ever laying eyes on my medical history asked right away if I wanted to get started with some prescription(s) to "help me on my road to health."

My first question was why would I want to do that if I am right now basically metabolically healthy?

Her answer was, well you'll look good and feel better etc etc.

I asked if the lifelong health issues that I am really concerned with right now would be altered if I lost weight now as opposed to the times I have been far thinner in the past?


I rephrased and asked if a condition that never improved with weightloss as a factor in the past would somehow magically transform into an "obesity" related illness and thus be "cured" by weightloss.

I pressed and the answer was no.

At one point I asked if basically no matter what my actual issues and concerns are if the first treatment is weightloss she said yes. I said thank you for your time and hung up.

This represents a HUGE part of what is wrong with how fat is looked at in our society. We are so quick to assume that if you're fat of COURSE you have high cholesterol and of COURSE you have high blood pressure and of COURSE you can't sleep and of COURSE you can't be at all fit and of COURSE you can't be at all healthy.

Fat-being fat is not an illness in and of itself.

Fat in and of itself is not some kind of moral failing.

Fat in and of itself is not a reason to put the onus of the cost of health care onto a group of people.

The above conversation (which at this point I've had with multiple health care professionals) is one of the things hugely wrong with health care as it exists today.

If the health care industry did in fact care about changing the health levels of fat people, as a whole the industry would make moves to make certain that that population gets appropriate care. That it is made clear that this fat person is treated in a manner congruent with how a physician might treat a triathlete.

What I mean is this.

Let's say that I have been doing triathlons and I go to the doctor because my knees swell and I have a lot of pain and have been limping in the morning.

The health care culture as it exists today would not fault me for my pain. The doctor might give me a congratulatory take it easy, or advise me to wear braces or give me a prescription for an anti-inflammatory etc.

However if I am fat it is automatically percieved that my pain must be caused by my fat and I am sent on my way with the note that I am a recalcitrant patient who refuses to adhere to the doctors recommended treatment of losing weight.

The doctor then (because doctors are human beings and not immune to biases) has treated me vastly different.

Now if (as I said in my last entry) it is assumed that everyone can and should be trying to lose weight if they are fat and therefore any health problems they do have are their own fault and should be treated accordingly.

If I was a triathlete why wouldn't that be my own fault as well?

If I refused to stop doing my triathlons would the doctor label me as yet another recalcitrant patient?

Odds are probably not.

Now if you ask 100 fat people of varying weights, i would be willing to bet my lunch money that most of them will have stories of being treated like some lazy jackass by health care professionals.

Some of them will have had situations that turned very bad.

Some of them you might not get to speak to because they died.

Some of them may have not been to a doctor for anything in decades because of how they have been treated.

I have YET (seriously ever) to find a single reasonable explanation as to how it is at ALL a good idea to treat people badly and then expect them to keep coming back for more.

I'll give you a for instance from my personal life where it was my race and age not my weight that was causing issues.

Once upon a time yours truly had no health insurance and really needed to see a gynecologist.

I made my appointment at a local clinic and when I went I sat with a nurse who asked me a bunch of questions. Of those, I was asked repeatedly how many abortions I'd had, how many children I had. I was asked probably ten times inside of the interview. The nurse would ask and I would answer no abortions no kids every time. At some point she leaned over frowning and said, "You HAVE got to be honest about this"

Now, I felt bullied. I got the impression that I had done something to wrong these people and I didn't like it. Later I saw my chart and there was still a question about whether or not I'd had an abortion or children.

I asked a few other women I knew who'd been to that clinic around the same time, all of whom were white women about my age and not a single one of them had the same treatment.

Not. One.

Not on their first visit, not during any subsequent visits. They were not grilled about their theoretical crack habits which I was. My friends had not had that experience.

Now we were all in the vaguely same demographic, had similar sexual histories, similar economic status. The only huge difference was race.

I did not go back to that clinic and if I'd been a different girl at the time it might have been a long time after that I wouldn't be comfortable going to any doctor much less that one.

Now back to fat.

If my fatness is of such epic concern for the medical industrial complex to the point that my weight precludes treatment for things that are entirely not weight related I want no part of it.

To steal my own phrase, I don't believe you.

I don't believe that you (the big You here is the medical industry, diet industry people, even exercise industry people) have anything in mind except for your own wallet and the inability to move beyond your personal biases to give me the treatment that I pay for and deserve.

All this is not to say that I have never had a good doctor. I have had some doctors who were right there with me in terms of what health issues I have that are related to my weight (one way or the other) and the most healthy for me ways of dealing with those.

However that experience has been the less frequent when it comes to my healthcare as an adult.

And that my friends is yet another reason I call bullshit on a large amount of news etc about fatness.

That is why I keep saying:

I don't believe you.

That's it.

Homo Out.

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