While I'm getting ready to move ye old blog, there are going to be hiccups. If you see this post twice ignore one of them please.
I have to admit my friends sometimes despite my frequent calm take downs of things today I am a ball of instant visceral rage.
Ever have one of those days when you read one really stupid fucking thing (I already talked about it here over on tumblr) and then it seems like a cavalcade of bullshit for the rest of the day?
With that in mind today how about some fluff?
Let me tell you internets, even though I am often a calm voice, a voice that is not pointing fingers when I'm pissed off sometimes I just don't have the energy to be anyone's Educating Negress and my answer to everything that offends me is the simple and ever eloquent fuck you.
No really fuck you.
There was a time in my life when I expended a lot of energy trying to make things teachable moments.
I took all my rage and I squished it until I could present it as something else.
I was rarely comfortable with my rage. I had at some point along the line decided that I could not let my aggression or rage out because it wasn't right. Why? I couldn't have told you.
I did know that I was afraid when I felt the rage boiling, I was afraid that I was wrong and bad. That I would look bad if I let it out.
Over the years at some point I figured out that yes, rage when released at the wrong people or in purely destructive ways is meaningless at some point. At some point if you're that guy who's always popping off about everything you're just another asshole ranting on the street and who really wants to hear it?
On the other hand if you choose your moments and the method in which you let out the rage it can be a beautiful and illuminating thing.
At least for me.
For me once I learned to really pick my battles and take care with what I have to say something miraculous happened.
Anger no longer makes my stomach churn as easily. I don't expend as much energy flailing about things that I realize I either cannot change or just really do not have the energy to deal with.
And more amazing, people will listen.
Even people who don't know me all that well hear me say I'm angry, they hear what I am saying. They may not agree but the hear and that's just as important to me.
All that said, I also realized that I don't have to make my anger always be about a teachable moment. I do not have to be the Educating Negress.
Sometimes I can just be pissed off and that's okay too.
Moving along to other business.
Being that my initial plan for the Essay thing was not what I wanted I have been casting about for some other system and one of you folks (and let me add here how continually awed and humbled I am by how smart and fantastic you folks are) suggested I do a subscription based essay thing instead of a store.
Now given how quickly I write and edit, I am fairly certain I can come up with two essays or so a month. Maybe three if I stack a few rough drafts up.
I had the idea of doing some email/IM interviews with people I really like. Sex workers, sex bloggers, fat folks, thin folks, authors and business owners. Maybe one a month or so.
Make it more of a um..experience not all about me.
However, I have been tentatively wanting to start trying to get my non-fiction published and there is the issue of a lot of publishers not wanting previously published work. I'm not so prolific that I believe I could write a set of things for a website and a whole other set of things to try and get published.
So I think for now I'm going to sit on this whole thing for a bit. Try and figure out what I want to do.
So no new essays for a bit BUT, over here at LJ you can read some smutty tidbits and other literary experiments that I have been doing while I write my Great American Junkie Novel. Feel free to add me on the lj if you like.
I think that about covers it for today.
I'm spent and I'm going to work on one of the said essays. Or perhaps write a new one.
I love you my homies and haters.
OH wait..one funny thing.
So if you've read me for awhile you know my usual sign off is Homo Out.
I've been doing it for years around the internets and it came from my actual life.
I wish I had a picture to show you but I don't so you'll have to imagine.
Picture your very own hostess at 21 years old and heading out to party with a few gay boys.
The theme of our outing was "OH Sparkly" and I wore an outfit that combined the following:
White furry platform boots (kind of like these but with a solid 6" platform rather than heels).
A short silvery/white babydoll dress.
This wig in Virgin. Replete with giant disco ball deedly ball headband.
You got it so far?
So I showed up at my friends place in this monstrosity of an ensemble and when he stepped out of his apartment to get me..wait let me explain that he is not just gay he is GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY (you must do jazz hands and sing that to get the full effect) so he stops looks at me and says:
"That is the gayest thing I've ever seen"
Which caused much laughter and after that whenever I left him I said Homo Out.
And I started signing off that way way back on Diary-x and it stuck.
That is where it comes from.