Friday, April 30, 2010

Oh there I am.

I have been feeling kind of emo today, probably partially because of the migraine and partially because well, to be frank because I want pretty shoes but can't get any for a couple of weeks until I get paid again.


Anyway, I was lamenting a little while ago about how I sometimes feel like I am fading into some bland semi version of myself. I don't know what it is that puts me in this mood.

Then I read this guest post over at Always Aroused Girl by a fellow blogger who goes by The Beautiful Kind.

I was enraged.

I quite literally sat here in my chair and said out loud "Oh what the bleeding FUCK is that shit?"

I am outraged on her behalf. I am appalled at the behavior of her former employer because they not only used her private life against her but treated her like all of a sudden because she has a private life that is different from other peoples private lives, they just couldn't employ her anymore.

At which point I say, fuck you.

And then, I realized oh there I am.

There I am.

I am allergic to corporate America.

If I work for you and I do my job well, what I do in my private life is none of your mother fucking business unless I make it so.

I realized when I first starting writing things on the internet that deep down, if you are the kind of employer who would fire me for whatever I say on the internet if you disagree, I don't want to work for you.

I don't want to.

Matter of fact I don't want to have anything to do with you.

I also realized how thankful I am to work in an enviornment where I can fly my freak flag and be a pervy weirdo and it's no big thing.

People I work with have read the erotica I've written, they have seen me with purple hair, they have heard me say whacked out things. I can be who I am both at work and outside of work and on the internet without fear of recrimination.

I am extraordinarily thankful for that.

Do I get frustrated sometimes?


Sometimes I feel like I should be at some mysterious grown up point further ahead of where I am.

So let me officially thank The Beautiful Kind for giving me a nudge and a reminder. And let me also say that I don't know you personally, I don't know if you'll even see this but I am deeply, terribly sorry for what happened to you.

You did not deserve to be treated that way no matter what you wrote or what you like to do on the weekend.

Now for a little open letter to any future employer.

Dear future person looking into Shannon Barber,
Well hi there. I see you have figured out how to use the Googles and let's get it straight. If you decide that you don't want to hire me because of my political views, fat ass, the fact that I like to write porn, I say a lot of bad words, I am a weirdo. I am a Queer weirdo. I am the kind of person who if I don't believe it's your business I'm not going to share my private life with you.

If you are still here, if you don't like what you're reading close the page. Look away go do something else and consider me on my merits as an employee. I will not be held hostage by the fear of being who I am. I did that for a good part of my life and I will not do it again for love nor money.


Okay now I'm going to have a looksy through and round out my wish list-

before I go on I don't want to fucking hear it about walmart. Seriously.

I would MUCH rather be able to buy a good handfull of summer clothing items than just one item. So if you don't need to shop that great for you but do not lecture me about it.

I am also going to work on the closest thing to a manifesto I have ever written and if I am not feeling too shy about it I will post it over the weekend. Hopefully there will be some other posting but we'll have to see.

Now my homies and haters I hope that you can be who you are and not live in fear.

I hope that all of us at some point can go to work, and keep on doing our respective things without fear of what happened to The Beautiful Kind.

I hope everyone takes a minute to look at themselves and say, "Yeah there you are you hot piece of awesome."

(Yes that is required homework)

And I leave you with a macro I made.

I loves you bacons!

Go forth, have a good time and be safe and fabulous doing it.

I love you my homies.

Homo Out.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Interestingly enough.

Just a few things today.

First thing I have new fiction up.

Sex and Murder magazine picked up my story Murder Room. It was edited by a good friend and I am very proud of that bit of smutty nonsense.

Also, despite the banging ass migraine I have I am I am very excited about drinking delicious Numi Tea.

And let's call this an open post shall we?

Shoe me links, talk amongst yourselves.

Let me share some links with you guys that I am loving right now.

Not totally safe for work:

Rachel Kramer Bussel posted all of her book trailers and they are fucking haaaaaaaaaaawt. Do I need to mention again that I have a terrible lady crush on her?

Really fantastic photos over at Haute Macabre. I love that entry.

Go wish hotness Sinclair over at Sugarbutch a happy anniversary.

Crystal Renn has really pretty pubic hair. Also I dig her bein nekkid. Via Styleite.

Now it's time for more drugs for me and I leave you with some music to bootyshake to.

And yes that is a prime directive people.

Shake it shake it shake it shake it. (Feel free to imagine me chanting that if it helps)


From the heart.

Our Fat Dude homie who wanted advice and I had a conversation via email and he is really shy so I answered his questions privately.

One of my regular readers sent me in a long (and lovely) note where she asked me how I feel about a few specific things around the Fatosphere and I've been sitting on her questions trying to come up with a way to answer her questions without a.)being an asshole or b.) being an asshole.

Before I get started let me make a few things clear.

I am not going to put this readers entire question here because she quite frankly doesn't want to be outed.

Second of all no I am not naming names or calling names or aiming to point a finger at anyone in particular.

Third, this is a personal level (as in heart not brain to begin with) answer to a personal question. I have been ruminating on how to be honest about this and not be an asshole but I can't promise I won't be an asshole. I'm going to try.


Okay this regular reader asked me in a very touching way how I feel and deal when I feel like my place in the community is questioned.

That's not exactly what she said, I reworded it and removed some links but that's the jist of it.

Okay fuck it's hard to not out her/be clear.

Stay with me.

And let me remind you that these are personal reactions not ideological edicts.



To be honest it really depends on the context.

So to use one issue that never fails to make send me into a flailing butthurt state are clothes.

No really.

I honestly sometimes have to stop reading a lot of plus size fashion blogs because frankly I just cannot financially afford to support the vast majority of plus size retailers.

I am of two minds about it.

While I am very glad that there are higher end plus size options I also feel like I'm relegated to some plus size fashion void because I just cannot afford say (let me remind you that none of what I say here are attacks this is how I honestly nakedly feel) 70 dollars on a cardigan.

All too often, the options are just not there for me on the whole.

I remember at some point yonks ago there was a discussion in Fatshionista about having outfit posts need to be mostly plus size retailers. I don't think I commented at the time but I felt that by being poor I would be kind of tipped out since I shop at most of those retailers maybe once every year or two years.

That wasn't instituted but the idea and the ensuing discussion lingered in my head, I felt that moment of oh shit, ouch okay so not welcome there.

No one said that but it was how I felt and that's a powerful thing.

For me I had (have to) take a moment and remember that it's not a reflection on me personally that there are fatshion reindeer games I can't play. It was also a powerful thing for me because it's what led me to start figuring out for myself how to approach privilege and deal when I don't have whatever privilege in a way that I hadn't before.

On the other hand, I am learning to take what I can in the way of ideas about color or shape from any body that happens to be clothed in something I think is fancy. There is something really freeing about consciously a.)not comparing my body to someone elses, b.) not getting upset with myself because I can't afford to be as fancy as I would like to be and c.)most importantly filling my eyeballs and brain with visions of fucking awesome.

When it's a size issue. (Oh LORDY how I hate these conversations)

I don't like it on a personal or theoretical level when conversations come down to who is or isn't really fat.

The context of whether or not someone is fat is a huge thing to me.

I will use myself as an example.

I have gotten comments here, at Flickr and elsewhere decreeing that I am not really fat.

My first instinct when someone says that to me is to tell them to fuck off.

Mainly because I find it highly disrespectful to directly contradict another persons means of identifying themselves. It irks me.

The underlying reason is that the message is that well I'm bigger than you so therefore you're not really fat and frankly I think that's bullshit.

I really feel like I fought long and hard to even start accepting my body in the state that it is. It's been really fucking hard, really hard. And when either in spirit or to the word someone questions that because I don't appear to be what they think fat is, I get pissed off.

Working to actively reject the dominant views on anything is difficult and I don't like seeing the struggle sullied by this kind of thing.

Not just for me personally who yes in the Liminal Universe of the United States is shorter than average with average size measurements but who is treated as a fat person.

Yes, regardless of the privilege I may have that being the size and shape I am means sometimes I can fit "straight" sizes I do experience life as a fat person.

I don't like the idea that unless you are at a glance holyshitfat, your voice is somehow less than.

And please don't tell me that this attitude doesn't float around because it does.

No, a lot of people don't say this blatantly but, sometimes whether people realize it or not I (and some other folks) have gotten that impression and that's not awesome.

I do realize that it's not in my best interest to take even flippant comments so personally sometimes. I do.

The thing is I take this shit really fucking seriously as not just awesome politics and things to be pissed off about but as an integral part of the human being I am growing up to be.

I really get weary way down in my heart when I know it's not my litterbox (as in not my blog or somewhere I feel comfortable calling someone on things that I take issue with) and I have that moment where I want to yell and cry and ask why would you fucking say that?

Since I've been involved with body politics of any sort I've learned so much about not only the process of talking about these things with both dissenters and those who agree but about how I take these things in and deal with them. I'm enormously thankful that I've gotten to learn these lessons and I sincerely hope that other people will learn them too.

If I could have a big with for FA and all the bloggers and activists etc, I'd wish that all of us could take a minute before saying something, be mindful and work out how that might come off. It's difficult when we don't all know each other personally but if we could all do that, I think it would be pretty fucking awesome.

There's more but I think I will get to that tomorrow.

So there, you now know me a wee bit better.

Now I need to take my allergy medication before my head explodes and then do a little bit of stretching.

Goodnight my darlings.

Homo Out.

Friday, April 23, 2010

More about privilege.

Jaed left a comment and I'll look at it bit by bit.

you as a White person have the advantage of not having your skin color come into issue if you don't want it to be. (these italics are quoting me)

I see something like this, and I have to ask (with all politeness and everything), which planet are you resident on again? Because on Planet Earth, it's an issue if you're white. It's an issue if you're looking for a job - not always and invariably, but in a big company, it matters and you know it matters. In relations with workmates of another color, it matters, and it can matter quite a bit if someone decides to be a jerk about it. In social relations with someone who's another color, it usually matters at least somewhat. It can get you fired, It can lose you the presumption of innocence. It's something you're reminded of every time an official or bureaucrat demands you identify yourself in terms of race.

I live on planet Earth, specifically in Seattle Washington which is where I draw my experience from.

Now this is not the *same* experience as contemporary black people have with race (which in turn isn't the same as Asian experience, etc.), but it's just plain silly to say it doesn't matter for white people or isn't an issue. It matters quite a bit.

No where do I say it doesn't matter. It does matter which is why I believe it's important to talk about privilege on an accessible manner.

The point is, a person who is in the majority for whatever reason skin color, religion etc you have the option and the advantage of not thinking about that thing if you don't want to.

I'd be tempted to say that a statement like that is a symptom of minority privilege, if the misuse of that word didn't irritate me so much already. People don't always notice things that don't affect them personally; that is a human thing, not a political thing. The assignment of "privilege" to one side of these disjunctions of experience is pretty much always done so that the differences can be used as a moral club against that side.

Now, being that I don't know anything about you I can tell you that it's not silly to me nor a lot of other people.

When you are part of the majority there are things that you really have the choice of worrying about or not. There is no moral club, that is just how it is in a lot of places in contemporary America. And no where do I say or have said that everyone is going to have the same experience regardless of their race because I don't believe that.

When I use the term privilege here, as I said in my previous entry I am talking about an advantage that one can do nothing about.

Asking other people to be aware of the advantages they bring into a situation can be used as a club yes, however I don't think that it's necessarily doing so by asking someone to be aware of their advantage or privilege.

I fully believe that having an awareness of your own privilege can lead to a better understanding of what someone else is going through. I'll use an example from my own life.

In talking about gay marriage with a heterosexual couple I know they were both adamantly against it for reasons they couldn't really articulate but centered around the "special rights" type of argument. I gave them a look at their own privilege with this example.

As a heterosexual married couple you can go where ever you want to in the United States and in 99.9% of situations your marriage is not called into question.

No one can deny you any of the things included in the Rights and Responsibilities of Marriage.

It's quite a list.

As a heterosexual person you don't have to worry about that stuff. You have the privilege and advantage of not worrying about it if you don't want to.

If you are not heterosexual you don't.

Once my friends really thought about all the things they have as a heterosexual married couple, and then thought about how it would be to not have that, they have since dug more into the issue of gay marriage.

Now, they don't think gay marriage is "right" per se but, they are not trying to make it so that it can't happen because they do believe in equal rights.

In the context of activism, understanding the challenges of the other people especially when they are not thing that have an effect on you on a personal level, is in my mind highly valuable.

To use people, but it is completely possible to earn a degree or several without ever coming into contact with the concepts and terminology of academic grievance studies. The fact that someone is not familiar with this particular method of shutting other people up, nor with the associated documents and phrases, is not a sign that that someone is uneducated or not a "college grad".

(I am now tempted to use the term "women's-studies major privilege", because this really highlights what I find useful about the idea along with why I don't like the word "privilege" or the related assumptions. Someone who majored in a field where this sort of analysis is important may erroneously assume everyone educated has had the same experience. That's the "this concept is useful" part. The "this is the wrong term" part happens because very few people would refer to women's studies majors as "privileged" compared to physics majors. The groups have different experiences, and when they forget that, they can trip over their assumptions.)

I think you misunderstand my point. In the context of a lot of the activism I have and am participating in, the dominating voices are people with these kinds of educations. My admonishment is based in me being one of those people who was not educated this way and a reminder that there are a lot of us and it can put any group of activists at a disadvantage if people are being silenced or allowed to fall by the wayside because they don't have the academic terminology to actively participate.

I should also say again that I am not an educated person. I am 33 years old, graduated high school in 1995 and have no higher education.

"Shut up and listen."
I don't think so, no. I'll listen but I won't shut up

Well Jaed I say that's unfortunate. If you're doing all the talking how are you going to hear what anyone else has to say?

In my life, I have discovered the wonders of shutting my mouth and listening to what people have to say.

Even if I disagree.

I didn't always do that and I am eternally grateful that someone at some point told me to shut up and listen.

Now I'll turn it over to you folks.

Anything to add?

Have I gone wrong on this one?

Remember behave in the comments, (unless you say something super funny then I might let you slide).

Tomorrow my partner Uniballer and I are going to....THE SALVATION ARMY!!!!


They are having a huge sale and he has been instructed to bring the giant bag of holding.

OH, probably Sunday while I'm hennaing my hair I've got some Fat Dude Fashion and sex advice (I KNOW right? Two of my favorite things in one entry) to give out.

I love you my homies and haters.

Have a fantastic weekend.

Also while you're playing in the comments, leave me links. Show me cuteness, show me your hotness, show me stuff you like or that makes you go WTF.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

But what about me?

Now I am back from my hiatus and as you'll notice I'm a.)not on wordpress and b.) there was not a huge redesign.

I had quite the adventure in web mastering, I got wordpress installed all by myself and discovered that my hosting package does not include the correct Mysql so I was fucked.

Now before anyone shakes a fist at my (seriously awesome and green webhost) I have seriously had the same hosting package for something like 9 years and it does not include the right mysql and that's okay.

For right now we're going to roll with what we got while I birth some new idea.

To that end there will be a wee poll at the bottom there that I would really appreciate if y'all did.

OKAY now for my real post.

Today what to do with privilege.

I see some of you cringing but hold on, stay with me here.

All too often in activist circles when you're first starting out you can be slapped right upside the head with the whole concept of privilege.

People might tell you to unpack yours, might tell you that your point of view is heavily skewed because of your privilege and it stings.

I've watched lots of people run right out of discussions or kind of wandering off. That's unfortunate.

Now it's an intimidating thing because a.) not all of us are coming from an academic perspective or understanding of any given issue and b.) a lot of us get that yes we might have some particular kind of privilege but all too often there's no what to do next or now.

That's where I'm coming in today my friends.

First things first let's understand where I'm coming from here.

Most often when privilege is brought up a lot of people will just leave a link to this by Peggy McIntosh.

Frequently the first reaction when someone is just handed this link is that the person giving it to them assumes that just link flinging is going to accomplish something and the person the link has been flung out is kind of mystefied and takes it personally.

This is where it starts to run off the rails.

Privilege does not usually include things that define you personally. In other words, it's nothing personal that you did. And no, most people can do fuck all about how they are born and that's okay no one is downing you for being born how you are.

At this point let's switch out the word advantage for privilege.

Let's take it to you and me. Yes just the two of us.

For argument let's say that you and I are the same age (33 and have a lot of the same stats_ but, you're white and I am not.

Now let's say you and I are having a conversation where I mention how I went into a store to buy some earrings and was treated extremely rudely while a White person just ahead of me was not in any way.

Let's say that your first response is that the clerk must've been having a bad day and that it couldn't have been racial.

I might respond that, that's your privilege showing.

What I would mean by that specifically is that you as a White person have the advantage of not having your skin color come into issue if you don't want it to be.

I being a woman of color do not have that advantage in life.

I am not angry about it, I don't blame you for it, I don't hold you responsible for it. I do want you to be aware of it and how your skin might change how your movement in the world goes.

When people are talking about advantages in society that you may or may not have been born with, no one wants you to say you're sorry for having X or being whatever.

We want you to realize that a person who doesn't have those advantages is going to have a different experience of life than you are even if you and someone else are the same in every other respect.

Now if you want to just leave it at remembering to keep your own advantages in mind when talking to other people great.

If you want to learn more about how to navigate these things here is what I suggest.

Shut up and listen.

Oh yes, we return to that.

The only way (at least in my opinion) to learn about experiences that are not your own is to listen to them.

You have to learn to listen without that moment of "what about me?" because most likely it's not about you as in the personal YOU.

A lot of the time it is about you in the large sense of you.

If you find that your first reaction to someone someone says is instant personal hurt, chances are it is your issue not theirs.

At this point I would encourage you to take a deep breath and think about what about whatever someone said pushes that button.

Is it because you may have displayed the same behavior that's being discussed?
Is it because you're uncomfortable with the fact that (insert thing here) still happens to people?

Whatever the reason is I suggest you don't comment until you've digested your feelings.

Try very hard to understand where the other person is coming from while realizing that most likely, you'll never really know.

Accept the above statement as truth.

Now these things are damn hard. It's harder yet if you're intimidated by the academic approach to talking about issues but hang in there.

You don't have to have the text book understanding or have taken a class or what have you to get it.

Until you're comfortable feel free to make these things as simple as you can in order for you to digest them and then understand them.

Understand that yes it might hurt your feelings but there is more if you just keep pushing past the hurt feelings part.

Now a word for those who already have a good understanding of privilege and discussions of privilege.

I must admonish a lot of you because you must remember that not all of us are college grads, not all of us are already familiar with these concepts and constructive ways to discuss them. Yes it's frustrating to feel like you're giving 101 all the time but, if you wield your academic privilege like a hammer you're probably only preaching to the choir and losing the rest of the congregation.

So when you're getting to that angry point I will remind you to take a breath too.

Remember, we're not all starting from the same place nor are we all already there with any given issue and that's okay.

Activism only gets stale when you are only talking to the people who get it.

Okay that's it.

OH no wait my poll.

I am too brain fried from having EPIC STOMACH virus over the weekend to make an actual poll so tell me this my homies:

If I decide to expand this here thingy from just a blog to a fully functional website with link listings, etc etc is there anything you'd be super into?

Would you find that useful or are you just here for the blog?

Anything else to say?

Now, while I'm deciding what to do next, I am going to redo the appearance herebouts and all so if shit is broken along the way I apologize in advance.

Okay my darlings, now I am really done.

Homo Out.

This is just a test.

Pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain.

Friday, April 16, 2010

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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Good lord.

I've been reading some news articles around the internets lately and I am reminded why I don't read comments.

I have seen a trend.

Fat person makes a point, reading comprehension goes to hell and there is a circle jerk of fat hate, stupidity and ad hominem attacks wrapped in the thinnest veils of being a "devils advocate" or voice of reason or whatever.

I just do not understand why it is so difficult to take in the idea that there is no one for everyone HEALTH

At some point, SOME point can we stop making comparisons between the human biodiversity and let's say other animal biodiversity?

One glance at a city street and the idea that since there isn't that much difference in the natural world of animals (the there's no fat animals argument) there can't be in humans is pretty much busted when you have a gander at the varying eye, fur (hair), skin colors in the human animal.

If humans are not supposed to be biodiverse, we would all look like X and then we could say that yes, none of us is supposed to be or might naturally be fat.

So can we stop with that already? Seriously.

Also, when it comes to discussing fat and body size why WHY do conversations often turn into I lost eleventy billion pounds drinking unicorn pee and snorting glitter so everyone can do it, then people pat the glitter snorter on the back and turn to the fat person and say, "well X did it why can't you?"

As has been proven by better scientists* than I, not one thing works for every body. If it did, then wouldn't EVERYONE fucking agree on the one special thing?

Even a casual look at the five million diets available should tell even the lay person that hrm, maybe these things aren't a magical panacea.

I will also say that if you (you as in diet shills) tell me all I have to do to change my fat ass is to do that often repeated formula of less calories in, more calories burned and I too will no longer be a fat ass and then I find out that you sell skanky "diet" supplements, I'm not going to respect anything you say.

As so many anti fat commenters around the web are fond of caterwauling about, where's the common sense?

Now being that I have met all kinds of people, ALL kinds of people with all kinds of bodies it is common sense to me that what's good for me, might not be good for them and that's okay.

That's okay even if it means they have different bodies than I do.

I still say if you are that concerned about the health of other people, you'd shut it and listen.

Pay attention to what they are saying and treat them with a modicum of kindness and respect since that's generally how one treats people one cares for.

If you have the privilege of being a super fit, thin person who can buy whatever they want to and can do everything, take a second to realize that not everyone is walking in your tight ass having pants.

That is to say, we (as in the HUGE global we) are not you.

It's okay for me not to be you. No really it is okay.

Honestly, seeing these things has reminded me why I don't read comments on news stories.

I leave you with that my homies.

Consider this an official notice from the Dowager Empress of All Fatassia herself that Nudiemuse is on hiatus while I do some coding.



Wish me luck.

Hope I am not at any point reduced to angry tears and hand flapping (no really when I get frustrated my first reaction is usually hand flapping) and then yelling.

I will return with a post with my new internets address home.

I love you homies and haters. I do hope you join me when I rehome myself with a blogging platform that doesn't suck.

Homo Out.

*Your hostess is not an actual scientist good or otherwise.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010


I'm still in the process of redesigning and getting ready to relaunch but seriously a few things new readers should know.

I'm fat.

Yes, fat.

As these things go I'm smaller end fat or so. I don't know what the actual averages are anymore but I am fat.

So don't be shocked if I say fat a lot, or refer to myself as fat a lot cause yeah, fat.

OH right I almost forgot.

For my relaunch just so you know I am going to have a page of affiliate stuff etc because there are some programs I hand picked because I like them BUT I really don't want you folks to feel compelled to shop through them. They are just recommendations and if I get a few pennies I'm good. Those will be on their own whole wee page.

And here's where y'all come in. I need links. I want to link to lots of different bloggers and I already have quite a list but I always want more.

So bring it my darlings. Show me your blogs, blogs you love, etc etc. Give them all to me.

I'm also going to feature beauty links to companies I'm really into, beauty blogs etc.

AND of course there will be the sexy, OH YES TEH SEXY.

Hopefully if I do this right I will have a post here to indicate my new intertubes home AND my domain name will forward.

Please don't ask why I am so hell bent on doing it myself I don't know. I just am.


Ready GO GO GO GO GO..fling links, show me stuff.

I've got some for y'all too.

First some fashion links.

I'm really kind of obsessed with a few things for Spring/Summer including-

I Love this style of sandal with the almost naked food. There is something about the leg bare with the almost naked foot that I think is terribly sexy.

Also a good shape for me because I have little wonky chicken toes and strappy sandals make my poor wee ugly pinkie toes hurt.

Can we talk about Target for a second?

Being the size I am I have the privilege of being able to jam it into stretchy Jrs sizes XL/XXL most of the time. And given my budget I love Targets summer stuff.

I plan on hopefully picking up a couple of these dresses. I love the shape, I love the fabric. Comfy and cheap. AND my homies I suggest trying some on. If you're a smaller busted up to an 18-20 they could work for you.

My other favorite thing from target are the Long and Lean tanks. They are long enough that I believe they will fit a number of sizes depending on how you like em to fit. For a tighter fit I like a size L for a looser fit I get the XXL. These are low priced and cheap enough that even if they don't fit perfectly they are excellent for layering.

Being that I don't have a big fashion budget, I can't afford most plus size retailers and get in where I fit in.

OH that reminds me.


So in my continued search for a pair of replacement plain black not denim boot cut pants I snagged a pair of Old Navy Perfect Khaki's at Goodwill in a size 14.

Now if you've been playing along at home I've already learned that the size 16 low rise fit under the bellybutton in the waistband but leave my poor ass just swimming. Even my big hams are swimming and the fit made me sad.

I figured the 14's would be perfect.

Well, from just under the actual waistband they do fit perfectly. Make my ass look all round and cute, fit the hams but the waistband itself lacks about a quarter of an inch of stretch that would make it fit perfectly.

I could be really upset but I just kind of shake my head and laugh a little. This is fairly absurd.

For next fall/winter I'm going to rely on the pull on pants sort and save myself all this bullshit.


Remember my homies, give me your links and words of encouragement as I get ready to move to wordpress. Have any sage advice? Hit me with it.

I love you guys.

Homo Out.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Fat girl on girl action.

All right my homies.

Today we're talking first time girl on girl sex, featuring one fat lady and one not so fat lady who want some advice about stuff.

Our lovely bi lady said this in a nutshell (identifying stuff was removed by me beacuse she's shy)

We shall call our homie Shylady.

Shylady let me know that she is dating her first girlfriend and that they are about ready to get it on and she's super nervous. She also wants to know a little more specifically if there's anything she should be thinking about because she is a fat lady and her girl is not and she needs some reassurance.

First thing HOT DAYUM stand right up Shylady and do a victory dance. Congratulations on having your first girlfriend that is fucking awesome.

Next thing take a big long deep breath, sit down and relax.

Let's get one thing out of the way.

If your new gf was not into you, and into your fat booty than you probably wouldn't have needed to ask this question.

So to answer your unasked question, you are a hot fat piece of ass baby. I'm certain if you ask your girlfriend will say the same thing.

Onto some logical things.

If you are planning your special night here are some things I would have on hand.

If you are going to have toys and whatnot have lube handy. If you want to be extra super awesome as a girlfriend, ask your lady what kind she prefers. Hell be even more awesome and if she has lube she likes invite her to bring it along.

If you plan on using toys get rubbers. Even if you've both been tested it's the polite and awesome thing to do. And it's another thing you two can talk about and maybe even do together.

See where I'm going here?

If you are planning your night of awesome girl on girl action, do it together.

Go shopping together.

Head to your local adult toystore and go crazy. Get lube, get rubbers, if you're feeling super spunky maybe you two can chip in on an awesome new toy to use together.

Now other things to do pre-doing it date. (And this part is also helpful for anyone who's dating or plans on doing the sex with someone who has biological lady parts)

Prior to your date either go get or give yourself a manicure. Make sure you don't have any hangnails, sharp edged nails etc. Until you know your partner really well err on the side of caution.

I say this because some ladies enjoy a little bite so to speak with nails in their pussy region some don't. If in doubt ask and show your girl your nails so she can judge.

Next thing to do, realize that things are not going to be soft focused Skinomax perfection.

You're going to bump noses when you try to kiss, someone might get their pubes pulled by accident, you might drop your toys on the floor, fall out of bed, fart etc. Stuff happens and it's okay.

Be open to laughing at yourself. Even first time sexy things do not have to be serious business. Sex is funny, it really is.

Humans make weird faces, weird noises, we say random things in the throes of orgasm and it's okay.

Don't let your nervousness eat up your excitement. I know that being with a girl for the first time can be super intimidating. Just remember, if she wasn't all about you she would not be getting into your bed.

As for techniques- do not do stuff you've seen in mainstream porn.

I will repeat that for the whole class.

Do not use mainstream porn as your go to area for what is hot.

Instead of doing that for you Shy I would say first think about how you like to be touched and touch your lady that way. And ask her.

Yes ask.

Regardless of what culture may say you're supposed to do (oh it's natural between women blablabla) ask her.

The thing is that female sexual response is as varied as there are varying sorts of women types.

Some women like a lot of penetration and a little other stimulation, some women can climax from nipple stimulation alone, some women might crawl all over you after you nibble a certain spot on their neck.

Being that you two have never had sex, don't put pressure on yourself to somehow magically know what she wants and how to satisfy her.

If you want to prolong the foreplay try talking about your sexual wants and needs before you plan on having sex.

It doesn't have to be phone sex level sexy but even the conversation can be a good tingle inducing warm up.

Remember you two my darlings are in charge. You got the wheel and I suggest driving it however you wanna.

Now I open the floor to all my lady lovin (or been lady loved) readers.

Have advice?

Share in the squee?

Tell a funny story?

If you guys are super nice I will tell you a funny story that involves me trying to be all Vagina Monologue's awesome, a fall and a sprain.

Trufax my darlings.

The big move/relaunch is coming along.

I have got BIG BIG plans and I'm having to slow myself down so I don't get overwhelmed and whatnot.

With that I leave you with this.

Remember my homies, I think that you are Mother Fucking Christmas. And I love you.

Go forth and frolic.

Homo Out.

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