I believe I met her when I was around 20 or so and spent a lot of time sitting in various places drinking coffee and pretending to be deep when the fact was I was just kinda shy.
I remember I met this woman who after some conversation we got around to the fact of her being a prostitute and I was entirely (probably way too over eager and a little inappropriatly) curious about her line of work.
Of all of the silly questions I asked her the one over arching message was this:
(I'm quoting the Rapper Pitbull here but it's the same sentiment)
i cant care less if you love me or hate me
life's a bitch
now fuck you pay me
Fuck you, pay me.
She told me that no matter what get my money.
Beyond my stints in sex work the main idea I have carried from this is that I and whatever resource I am providing are worth something and if you who want to be or are a consumer of that resource don't want to respect me, fuck you.
In my life, sometimes I have forgotten or pushed away my own worth.
I have been too quiet when I should have been yelling, I have done things not in my best interest, I have hate myself.
Yes let's pause there shall we?
I have loathed and hated myself at my core because I've had times when I thought that I was not worth it.
That I was not worth getting paid.
That I was not worth being treated respectfully.
That my worth was wrapped up in things that if I just tried hard enough I could change and make those things good enough.
Sometimes the focus of that hate fueled change has been my body, my hair, my face, how I dress, etc etc.
I was reminded of this earlier by some dude thinking that pictures of his (supposedly) magnificent cock would somehow convince me to provide him free sexual entertainment.
My response was quick and to the point.
Fuck you pay me.
There is also a whole other rant about the perceived sexual availability of a woman who appears to be open to that sort of thing but that's a whole other entry which I'll get to Friday maybe.
The fact is, my time and effort are not things I am obligated to offer anyone for free. Much less offering something sexual.
And let me say here if you are interested in paying for such photos let it be known that I am not cheap. You want cheap do a fucking google search.
So my big message here my friends passed from that hooker from long ago to me now to you is this.
You are worth it.
You are worth all those things you think are only reserved for people better than you.
And fuck the world that not only teaches you to feel that way but encourages it.
Sometimes you have to put your foot down and let the world know that you are not the fucking one and that no you will not.
We are worth being treated with respect.
Now onto more mundane things.
I'm still having stomach trouble and-
No wait side bar here.
I have health insurance and yet finding a doctor in whom I trust my health and well being is proving difficult.
There is one doctor I would really like to see but her office is in Federal Way. If I had a car I could be there in about twenty minutes. If I took a taxi I'd have to spend about 60$. Via bus it's almost a two and a half hour multi bus plus three mile walk to get there.
There is another doctor who's closer with decent-ish reviews but the fact that almost every review mentions being put on this that and the other drug makes me uncomfortable. I've had prescription happy doctors in the past and I am not a fan. My last go round with one caused me to lose a bunch of my hair, fuck up my menstrual cycle for almost six months and a lot of grief.
But, I've been feeling unwell enough with what I suspect is full blown IBS rather than a potential for it (my last good doctor..oh how I miss her..told me that she was certain I was exhibiting symptoms but they were very manageable with diet up until recently_ or some kind of food allergy that I can't figure out that I might bite the bullet and go to the latter doc and gird my loins to ward off eleventy billion prescriptions.
And now I'm going to lay down and crochet because I like it.
There is also hot cocoa in my future.
Goodnight my darlings, be good to yourselves and each other.