Wednesday, June 30, 2010

See what I did there?

This is just a test of the-

Actually no I'm redesigning (finally) and getting used to fixing up this new fangled code bullshit.

I also have had an epic migraine for two days and kind of would like for someone to knock my brains out.

Also um, yeah.

My layout is still kinda busy in the sidebar there but whatever.

I still have to replace links to some other folks I like. Fix my um..banner thingies.

I plan on doing a page of resource links. Sex, clothes, etc etc.


Yeah wow my head hurts.


OH right.

While we're all here a few other admin type notes.

I will probably not do any Amazon affiliate links anymore. I have had something like 5$ sitting there for fucking ever and I doubt that I will make another five any time soon so that'll be gone.

I do have a few other affiliate links to discuss but as per usual only things I actually believe in and like.

Also let's call this an open post. If you have something you'd like me to link, leave me a link to it and I will put it somewhere here. However, if it's something I think is scammy I will not link to it.

Ready..break GO GO GO GO.

Also, if you are so inclined cruise by the renovation and tell me how you like it thus far. I have to fix some things still but I kinda dig it.

That's all I am really not feeling so hot.

So yes, link away. Blogs, projects etc my homies.

Homo Out.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Oh right I'm supposed to hate myself.

First thing before I forget I had a new piece of fiction published last week. Short smutty and tasty over here at Sleep. Snort. Fuck.

I received a fairly reproachful anonymous note about how I shouldn't be so comfortable being in my skin what with "so much going against" me. Being Black, fat, queer, weird you know all that stuff that essentially makes me who I am.

I believe that this person wasn't trolling but was being earnest and it makes me terribly sad.

It is so ingrained in our society that one is never supposed to be content or Gods forbid fucking happy. Something always must need improvement.

We are supposed to be self deprecating and find something, any little (or not so little thing) that we can publicly claim is as yet imperfect and therefore we must improve ourselves.

This is fucking bullshit.

And I believe that it's important to facilitate this bullshit in order to keep the dollars flowing for things like the weightloss industry.

Because really, if someone feels good and makes the decision to do good things for themselves how likely are they to buy the latest greatest ass shrinking pill?

Think about it from a marketing perspective.

How do you market something predicated on the idea that your body, yes yours personally is horrifying. That you absolutely must be depressed and feel shitty because your body is how your body is.

Take a person who has low self esteem, or poor body image (which let's face it is a lot of us) and marketing to them is easy.

Show them not only fitness gurus, but show them Ellie from AL who's a stay at home Mom who's so busy and wait, check her out look how much weight she's lost.

Now if you're in a vulnerable spot you might linger on that after picture. You don't think about the likelihood that there were probably dozens and dozens of "before" pictures where Ellie looked radiant and happy, where her husband or whomever was looking at her like she is Mother Fucking Christmas. And being that Ellie has kids, we can assume she is having sex with someone.

But no.

We see her looking miserable, she probably has no make up on, her hair is uncombed, we all have that picture around somewhere. And she must be cast in a light that says OH SHIT SHE"S FUCKING FAT.

And then after wards she looks glorious doesn't she?

Her hair is all done, she's got make up on. She probably has on some killer heels which lift the booty, she's sucking it in hard, hands on hips, tits up booty out back straight.

She's tan and she is fucking awesome right?

You look at that and think, well if Ellie from Alabama can do it I can too.

Your eyes glaze over a little and you really believe it. Your eyes are so glazed that you don't see the teeny tiny * next to Ellie's picture.

You also don't see the teeny tiny * at the bottom of the page which very seriously informs you that Ellie's results are atypical. That these claims have not been evaluated yadda yadda.

See just how easy that is?

Now, try marketing all that to someone who thinks they are fucking awesome.

Think about it, how can the people who use those tactics in particular convince someone who is feeling pretty damn good, that there's something wrong?

They try saying, you're great you're perfect you're wonderful except...

There's always something isn't there?

Personally I say fuck that and the fucking horse it rode in on.

For me if I'm coming from a place of hey I'm feeling pretty awesome, what can I do to feel more awesome? Great.

For instance. We all know that I am a glamor and beauty junkie. I own a fuck ton of make up and why do i wear it?

Being colorful or sparkly in the face area makes me happy. And I like feeling fancy so, I own a fuck ton of make up.

So, if you want to work out feel free.

If you wanna have a piece of pie, have a piece of pie.

If you wanna wear something that makes you feel sexy, get your sexy on.

The bottom line in my head is shit.

Do what makes you feel awesome.

It's subversive and a sneaky fuck you to everyone who'll tell you that you're supposed to hate yourself.

Come from a place of loving yourself and making yourself feel fancy.

Be nice to yourself and it'll be super easy to be nice to others.

Yes, this is homework.

Go forth, frolic and be awesome my homies and haters.

And OMG HI CLINT Fabulouspants.

Homo Out.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Things that piss me off.

I finally got some sleep. I haven't been sleeping much the last couple of weeks and I feel somewhat human I need to vent some personal frustrations.

Some shit is pissing me off.

The number one thing right this second is the fact that every time I decide I'm going to be frugal with my beauty dollars and I want some liquid foundation I have to go all over Hell and back to buy foundation.

Generally speaking if I want to have more than a 1 brand 3 shades (if I'm lucky) I have to go to at least three or four stores. Being that we don't have a car and rely on our feet and buses this can translate into hours.


Today there were three stores and just one brand. Luckily at the last store I found -something- suitable but it wasn't really what I wanted or needed. I had several different formulas/brands that I know come in browns suitable for me but nope. Apparently despite there being a lot of brown people in my neighborhood, the only people who want to buy foundation (make up here kids) are those who are Tan or lighter.

Now the excuse I'm given every time I complain is that there isn't a market here. I call bullshit based simply on how fast most of the better products for Black hair sell out. Who the fuck is buying that if it's not Black folks?

It's one of the things about living in Seattle that bugs me. And it's happened in the last four neighborhoods I've lived in.

So because of this I have to order online which is costlier even from low end brands but I will probably end up with the wrong shade. Or I can wind up having to spend 20-30$ on something that works.

I hate that. I hate that something so fucking simple is such a hassle.

I won't even go into trying to find the better Black hair care products that I like to use.

Next thing.

I am really over the surprise and whatnot that goes along with me being perfectly fine saying I'm a fat fatty fat fat fat.

Recently I contacted a couple of sellers on LJ from various communities and said something like this,

Hi Seller,
I would really love to shop at your shop/journal/etc since you advertise "plus" sizes in your ad/header/whatever. However, on actually looking you don't have any "plus" sizes. Please have a look at some plus size retailers, most are not going to list things with a 30-32" waist as plus size. To be frank that sort of thing pisses off us fat shoppers.

That's not verbatim but you get what I'm saying. 90% of these folks (I went on a tear and sent about twenty of these emails) were a.)shocked that I said the F-word and b.) had no clue what the fuck I was talking about.


I get it. We're all poor everyone has a hustle but for FUCK SAKE if you are going to be an etailer of whatever flavor please understand that if you're a size xs that does not make a size L plus size.

As I have said before, do a fucking google search for plus size retailers and look at their size charts for an idea as to what plus size might be.

Also, if I say I am a fat shopper I mean I'm a fat fucking shopper.

One last thing.

I really really fucking hate the "Real Women yadda yadda" everything.

Women for the record come in a lot of shapes, sizes, degrees of femininity and everything. Can we fucking stop it?

I realize that especially if you're just coming to accept your body it seems like the best thing ever but, honestly you don't need to marginalize other bodies because your body has been marginalized.

Putting someone in the corner because they have a bony ass or no tits etc is just not good for any of us and reinforces the idea that in order for women to be happy we must hate each other.

Fuck that.

I swear to fluffy bunnies that it is SO much easier to love yourself if you can love and appreciate other people.

It is SO much easier to live in your body in an autonomous awesome fashion if you give that freedom to other people by not marginalizing them.

If you want to keep your ass in a size 0 that is fantastic.

If you want to keep your ass in a size 32 that is fantastic.

It's even more fantastic if you can do those things without causing undue harm to yourself because I think you're pretty awesome and I'd hate to see you suffering.


Try this.

Instead of looking at say a fashion spread or outfit post and think of all the ways that persons body is better/different than yours, try thinking (yes it will have to be a conscious effort at first) holy shit this person is awesome.

For me practicing this at some point probably a decade ago just became natural to me.

I look at a lot of fashion blogs etc and I for damn sure don't see a lot of body twins and that's okay.

The person in the picture is not me and I should not expect them to look like me.

I think if what women want is empowerment take it.

Give yourself the power to rise above the petty bullshit that's expected of women.

We are expected to be envious and bitchy about each other.

How awesome would it be for more of us to say fuck that and look at each other and say, "holy shit you're awesome." Regardless of how different we may be.

Okay I think I'm spent. I'm getting tired, there is conditioner running down the back of my neck and I need to give myself a new manicure.

Your homework my homies is to take a minute and look at that picture on the internets that sometimes fills you with jealous self loathing and appreciate that person for being that person and not you.

Remember that you being you is mother fucking awesome and that person being that person is mother fucking awesome.

It'll be hard.

But it's freeing.

Now for a quick ode to my nails.

Being that I don't have a girlfriend I'm rocking long ass nails. These are my natural nails and no they don't get in the way of my typing. And yes they are awesome.

Naked nails:

Naked claws.

And the red manicure that I am not fond of and will remedy later on.


Now my homies, show me your links. Show me yourselves, cute things, nakedness whatever you like.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Angry Brain spew- Angry Seattle Black Lady edition

Despite the fact that I don't feel at all well this week (oh yay digestive issues how are you?), I think I need some catharsis.

Okay I'm warning you right now that if you are feeling tender today you might want to go look at puppies.

So in the news is the young lady punched in the face by a Seattle police officer. I'm not linking because I don't want to look at that shit again nor do I want to rehash what others have said.

A punch in the face was not appropriate. The young ladies were behaving inappropriately.

I will say that of all of the police interactions I've seen, I assume that the academy teaches eleventy-seven other ways to deal with a situation and subdue a suspect without punching them in the face. And the police area dealing with it.

What pisses me off are the constant calls of RACE CARD RACE CARD.

Being a Black person in Seattle, I can see possibilities as to what made these young women act up.

My own years of police interactions have more than tinted my opinion of local police and has absolutely shaped how I deal with them.

In almost eveyr instance here, I have had people (both POC and others) say oh that's not race related before I can even get to why I may think something is race related.

That (as I've said over and over again) is a huge part of the reason why America is not "post racial" nor do I see that coming at any point in the near future.

Any time a person of color brings a concern that X happened because of the color of their skin, it is not an indictment of every white person in the fucking universe. It is most likely not about you in particular if you didn't say something. It's even less about how you feel about that persons situation or reaction.

For instance.

A moment from my actual life.

To set the scene, imagine I am about six years younger, dressed business casual and waiting for a bus. I do this same thing, at the same stop, at the same time five nights a week.

Now further imagine that I am wearing headphones and am standing under the brighter area of light with, oh shit a book in hand.

For weeks, I was watched and spotlighted by the same cop. This cop car would sit in a parking lot down the street from where I work, I would walk by and I would see it come around going the opposite direction then see it turn around and roll slowly past me and often stop about fifteen feet behind me.

The first few times I figured meh, whatever.

For a little more background I work in a very white neighborhood. The area is not known for street drug traffic, prostitution or other illegal activities on the street. 99% of the time I am alone at that bus stop.

Now this went on for weeks. Almost every night. I ignored it until he spot lighted me. For those who don't know this is when a police officer shines a very bright light in your face so you can't see them but they can see you.

The lights on the police car are easily moved and controlled, and I am certain he shone it in my face on purpose.

Still, he didn't say anything to me.

Now, if this police officer had stopped and said something like. "It's late and I see you're alone is everything ok?" I would have been fine. I would have been delighted because you know:

Prevent Crime, Enforce the Law & Support Quality Public Safety by Delivering Respectful, Professional, & Dependable Police Services.

(The above was taken directly from their posted mission statement.

Instead, I was distinctly creeped out and finally walked over to the passenger side of the car and asked what the problem was.

I was told to back away from the car and that he'd had reports of "suspicious" activity.

When I asked politely what that activity was the officer not so subtly asked if I was "soliciting" which is code for prostitution.

Now, yes some areas of Seattle do have an issue with street prostitution.

However, most prostitutes don't stand at bus stops reading books and not interacting with traffic. Nor do any of the street prostitutes I have ever known been partial to business casual dress, carrying (at the time I carried one) soft shelled briefcase type things.

I have witnessed (even then, perhaps more so then) White people doing all sorts of "suspicious" activity in that immediate area. From public peeing, drunken behaviour etc and yet, I get watched while doing what?

Now for weeks after that because of how I as a woman of color am conditioned, I tried very hard to look at what I had done to have this problem.

I talked it over with a few people and a few of them said, "well maybe you were suspicious" etc.

Why was I suspicious?

It took quite awhile after that for me to untangle my feelings about it. I was suspicious for being Black in that area.

Now logic tells me that a.) if this cop did think I was doing something suspicious the repetition of my routine would have clued him in that I was in fact waiting for a bus. B.)That as a street cop in the area, logic would tell him that if I was prostituting I would have been seen flagging cars, getting into and out of cars at that same location. Doing things that you know street prositutes do. C.)Logic tells me that he could have cleared up the whole thing by doing one simple thing.

He could have simply said hello.

I have often felt disrepected, not taken seriously, bothered and felt unsafe around police in Seattle for a long long time.

I will say flat out right now that I do not trust my life or safety to the SPD.

Not because they are on the whole bad, but because there are enough not so good and rotten apples in the bunch, and because my interactions with them rarely leave me feeling protected or respected.

I don't like being questioned in a way that implies because I'm a nearby Black person I've done something wrong.

I don't like having strangers (police or not) follow me in ways that make me uncomfortable. Particularly if they are in a position of authority or power over me.

I don't fucking like it when as I'm trying very hard to be calm when I feel marginalized, that so many people will automatically take anything I say or any impression I have and say, "oh well it couldn't have been a race thing."

It fucking hurts and it pisses me off.

It makes me insanely angry because how the fuck are these things supposed to be solved if the people who experience it are silenced or brushed off?

How is it supposed to get any fucking better when the point is made that if X happened to a pretty White girl, people would be up in arms?

How the fuck am I supposed to remain calm or constructive when, the default reaction to a person of color is "oh you deserved X"?

I don't fucking like it when I am to all appearances a law abiding citizen who is shunted into the position of a "possible suspect" because I'm the only Black person in the vicinity.

These are not things I hate because I don't like the idea. These are things I hate because I've experienced them over and over again.

I'm spent.

I haven't been sleeping well and I have some other issues that are not helping my cause here. This simmering anger is one of them so now that I've gotten it out I'm letting it go for now.

I learned when I was about 22 that I am not capable, rather it's not healthy for me to be that pissed off all the time.

I know I say this every time I blog about race but please, PLEASE for the love of fluffy bunnies remember, if you're not going to listen don't bother talking.

In other words, Shut Up and listen.

Don't presume experience to be a monolithic thing and don't presume that because something hasn't happened to you directly than it doesn't happen. Or that it's not a big deal because when shit happens to us (I mean the BIG us as in humanity) individually whatever X event is can be a big fucking deal.

Have some empathy.

Grow some gonads of whatever sort and be brave enough to realize that sometimes your opinion isn't the most important one in the discussion.

It takes bravery and fortitude to deal seriously with racial issues and not become the person in the conversation fucking things up.

It's hard.

But, I do have faith that there are enough people who can shut their mouths long enough to really hear what other people have to say that someday we can start settling these things or at least discussing them in open honest ways.

Now, if y'all will excuse me I am so tired my right eyeball is vibrating and my face muscles are twitching.

Um, one last thing I think I'm going to move my free fiction downloads to scribd for easier handling.

So watch for that.

Now, I love you my homies and haters.

Thank you for listening.

Homo Out.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Once Upon a hot piece of ass, a fairy tale.

It's almost Pride week here in Seattle and I want to tell you guys about the first time I ever felt like a grown up sexy ass real woman.

Now the players here involve yours truly at age 20, an enormously tall drag queen, a little roving gang of baby butch dykes and lots of other gay folks.

So there I was, 20 years old and I wanted to go to my first Pride. I had this pair of pants which were the only pants I'd ever had to that point that I wore tight as hell and felt like sex on a stick wearing. So I had my tight boot cut black pants and I felt like holy hell I have a booty.

I also had (and I would seriously kick a hippy to get my hands on another one) a nude lace tank trimmed with maribou. What made this tank special was that the nude layer was brown. Pretty much the exact color of my skin. That is a rare thing kinda like seeing a unicorn actually poop rainbows.

I also was very into my accessories so I had my sparkly cheap and tacky crystal choker on (oh yes, I rocked some gigantic faux bling), a pyramid sudded belt with a trucker girl on it. And some big ole stompy boots.

I rode the bus and felt Mother Fucking Fabulous. It was a first for me. Generally at that age I did not show a lot of skin. I did not wear tight clothes and I damn sure did not wear all of those together.

Looking back I can say honestly that I went to Pride for two reasons.

1.) To hang out with my homos.

2.) To see if I was attractive enough to pick someone up for some hot monkey sex.

At the time I would've denied it but I wanted to know.

I was usually not the one in my group of friends getting hit on when we went out. I figured I was the fat girl that people would want to talk to and often talk to in order to get to my (in my mind) hotter friends.

So I went to Pride gussied up and looking for some hot sexxing.

I remember getting off of the bus and seeing so many attractive people in various states of naked and feeling like I should have turned around and gone right back home. I was so intimidated.

Instead I held my head up (and I don't know where I picked this up but it's something that's been in my head since I was a kid, probably from my drag queen babysitters) I did my I am a hot mother fucker walk.

Head up, tits out, booty out.

I walked around like that until it felt more real and then I encountered the ginormously tall and incredibly beautiful drag queen who left her post in front of a store front to stop me and tell me,

"You are the most gorgeous little thing."

With the drag queen was one of those muscly gorgeous men who seem to only exist in Tom of Finland land. That link, totes NSFW. I'm talking jaw dropping, holy shit kind of stacked hot man ass. And some very adorable grabby baby butch dykes who charmed me with gropes and kisses.

That hot man asked to take a picture with me in which he wrapped an arm around me and at some point my hand wound up on his crotch and his hand down the front o my shirt. I would pay money if someone could find those pics in the vast internets because this was pre-digital camera.

I hung out with Gorgeous ManAss for a lot of the afternoon and at some point he took me into a little doorway where (this was a first for me as well) he told me in deliciously explicit detail how much he wanted to sling me over his shoulder, take me to his place and fuck me senseless. Then make me breakfast.

He told me everything about me that turned him on. He told me that I could tie him up or fuck him in the ass. He told me he would invite friends if I was up for it.

For the first time in my life I felt like I was the hot girl. I felt like some kind of evil sex goddess and it was fucking fantastic.

It was as if someone had pulled a large chunk of the fantasies in my head and broadcast them to people I would have never thought would even give me another look much less make it happen.

And happen it did.

There was a quick trip to the (gone and missed) Pink Zone for lube and off I went with that big gorgeous hunk of bisexual manass to have a hell of a good time.

Hindsight being what it is, that experience was important to me for a number of reasons.

I was just starting to form my beliefs about my own sexuality and what was and wasn't okay for me. 90% of my friends had such radically different views from mine about sex and relationships I wasn't quite there with using my own views instead of other folks.

This experience also taught me a valuable lesson about confidence.

If you get to the point where even in those dark corners of your brain you believe that you are The Hot Shit, other people will notice. And that is an attractive thing.

And not least of all it was my first really kinky sexual experience.

I had been reading queer erotica for years at that point and thought that the kind of stuff that turned me on only happened in my brain and the brains of the authors I was reading. No where in my most perverted imaginings did I think that I would ever EVER do the things I kept fantasizing about.

That experience opened the Doors of my own Sexual (mis)Adventures in the most wonderful not wholesome, nasty (oh yes, it was nasty there was no romance there and that had been exactly what I wanted) sex that right then I decided I wanted to keep having.

Afterwards I remember writing in my diary that (I wasn't quite to fat acceptance yet that was to come in time) even though I was so fat that I felt good and I wanted to keep feeling good.

More than a decade later I'm a little bit fatter, way kinkier and well damn it I am still a hot piece of ass and getting hotter with age if I must say so myself.

I wish I could do a quick run back in time, give that scared and turned on girl the big thumbs up and maybe remind her that going from few penises to gigantic penis, should have maybe been a slower process.

Now how about a little HNT? It's been awhile and I took this the other day but it totes still counts.

My Nekkid Chubby knees. To celebrate my first real leg shaving, and the fact that I rocked it with bare legs even though I was cold just because I felt like it.

Okay now I have some writing to do.

And remember you can still get my free fiction (see link to your right) and you can still buy essays. If you buy an essay please remember to click the return to merchant to get it.

And to you dear reader who donated thank you so much. I am humbled that you were moved to do that.

Now, go forth frolic and enjoy your evening my darlings.

And remember Shannon Loves you.

Homo Out.


I totally made my first official item for my etsy store. A beautiful blue/purple varigated shawl. I am terribly excited.

Also exciting, later this month more free fiction but it'll be SMUT!


Okay now I'm really off.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Fetishes, fat and oh my.

A newer reader sent me a few questions that I am DELIGHTED to answer.

I will call our new homies, NewHomie for our purposes here since this person would like to remain anonymous.

In reference to this entry about fat, sexiness etc here are NewHomie's questions in a slightly condensed version.

First question from NewHomie:
...[snip] I got the impression that you might be against fetishes...

Oh no dear NewHomie. I not only lovingly but enthusiastically encourage fetishes.

If big flat feet get your motor running I'm happy. If you like a big butt and you can't deny* HELL YES get your groove on.

I will have a problem with whatever fetish if it when other human beings become simply objects to fulfill a desire without their consent in the matter. At the point where your fetish completely becomes mastubatory (in this case as in has nothing or little to do with your partner(s) as human beings who are more than just whatever you've fetishized, then I am bothered.

I will say though that if your partner(s) is cool with that then have at it.

Next question from NewHomie is:

How do you feel about people's presences for dating?

Generally speaking I don't care who wants to date whom. In the big picture of life who someone else wants to date has not a damn thing to do with me unless I'mt rying to date them or they are trying to date me.

I do take issue sometimes with the way people express it.

I have a problem when ones own personal preference suddenly means that no one that you don't find attractive can be attractive in any way. Much like the whole "Real Women have curves" thing bugs me.

"Real" women come in all sorts of interesting permuations and I would much rather celebrate oh YAY WOMEN than one specific type of woman.

So when it comes to how someone presents their preferences this is what I don't like.

"Only redheads with small boobs are hot all other women suck."

That is not awesome.

No single person is the sole arbiter of hotness. Despite what some people might think they just aren't.

I fully believe that given the vast diversity of humans, there is similarly a vast diversity of what qualities in another person gives people the special tingle.

Furthermore, in regular life (I am not talking about the fashion industry, Hollywood etc) it's really unimportant to people whether or not you find them fuckable.

Granted there are a lot of people who crave and need the affirmation from everyone that they are in fact fuckable, the reality is in my mind that it's not that big a damn deal.

Being really attractive doesn't make you smarter or a better person.

You can be the most gorgeous creature ever and still be an asshole.

On a personal level I think it's silly to discount any number of folks because they aren't instantly your type. It can be so hard to find someone, why limit yourself to redheads with four freckles you know?

The point is this as it so often is. Don't be a douche. Or if you're going to be a douche engage in that with someone in a consensual manner.

If you want to have eleventybillion fetishes YAY go on with your bad self. Just remember, treat your partner(s) with the respect they deserve.

You can enjoy whomever you please, fat, thin, inbetween and seven at a time, but don't try and impose your preferences on me or the rest of the world because it's just not cool.

That's about it my darlings. I need some dinner and to cruise Ravelry for some patterns.

Little housekeeping note, you can now find permanent links to the essay store and the free fiction download areas over there on your right. And I finally figured out how to show that google connect widget thing so you can do that too if you're so inclined.

Homo Out.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

No thanks Whole Foods.

There are eleven million reasons why this article over at Jezebel irritates me but let me focus on one.

The assumption that one MUST want to shop at fucking Whole foods in order to be THIN!HEALTHY is bullshit.

Actually let me say this first.

Let's talk about organic and "healthy" food.

The problem with organic food is that it is costly to produce and therefor costs the consumer more. Let's use bananas as an example because Uniballer and I fucking love bananas. There are almost always bananas in our house.

Now, why would we as people with a pretty small food budget allocate 4.99 for five bananas when we could get a pound of bananas for the same price?

Further more, why would we get the bananas that we'd have to eat up right away rather than the ones that last a bit longer?

If you're going to preach about poor folks taking responsibility there you go.

I would say of the four grocery stores we use with regularity, on average the non organic fruits and vegetables are not only far cheaper but tend to last a bit longer and thus, we are being responsible poor folks by making a fiscal decision to get the non organic bananas.

If you are going to ride the poor folks must make better decisions train, educate yourself as to what that actually might entail for us poor folks.

Now as for Whole Foods.

I only went into a Whole foods for the first time about a year ago. Being that I am a foody type person who loves finding new awesome noms I was pretty excited but I left feeling unimpressed.

To this point I've been in several and my experiences have not been positive.

There are a lot of fancy grocery stores in Seattle and most of them I really enjoy despite the prices.

Whole Foods in particular is not a store I like shopping at. I have not liked the staff, I have not liked the other shoppers in fact, every trip I've made there would get a low score if I was secret shopping.

I don't like being ogled while I grocery shop. I don't like standing around trying to get the attention of an employee and being overlooked in favor of other shoppers. I don't like pretentious bullshit.

At the other end of my experiences at fancy grocery stores we have Metropolitan Market. There is one near where I work and yes, it is really fancy.

And every time I have been in there regardless of what section I've been in I have been treated warmly. I am clearly not the thin, clearly money having part of their demographic. I know that and there is the fact that I enjoy being there.

Even when I only have a couple of dollars for a cup of tea or maybe a little piece of fancy cheese no one there has made me feel uncomfortable. I have been treated to spontaneous (at least they appear to be) little lively discussions about the wonders of goat cheese and given excellent food recommendations that will not bother my digestion.

I've been pointed at awesome on sale items in a non douchy way.

Over all, in my brain if I'm going to spend the extra money Whole Foods can go to hell.

Now moving along.

When it comes to wellness and eating in a manner that supports wellness I have all too often watched people swinging their privileged fists about it (metaphorically speaking of course, I have yet to see an actual fist fight about this) about how if only fat people would make the "hard" decisions we'd be ever so much better off.

I really don't care for proselytizing in any form and food related proselytizing sets me off every time.

For instance.

I know a lot of vegans/vegetarians. The underlying message from (OH HAI PETA I'M LOOKING AT YOU) is that if you eat that way, if you make that decision everything is going to be fucking fantastic.

You are going to be thin, you are going to be popular, your poop will sparkle and smell like flowers, everything will change.

If you eat "clean", if you don't eat carbs, if you eat baby food, if you'd only try eating some veggies, if you eat blablabla.

The idea is always that if you appear to be fat or OH!SHIT!OBESE than there is no possible way you could be eating well. Of course you eat all trash all day and never ever do anything else.

So people feel perfectly comfortable preaching their own dietary gospel to you and you know what folks? People who are fat don't need or want to fucking hear it.

90% of the time these Dietary Proselytizers would never walk up to an apparently thin person and give this spiel.

Being that I have been visibly thinner and visibly fatter, I have experienced these things.

When I was thinner maybe occasionally at the gym someone would suggest a protein shake for me or other similar thing but no one ever tried to convince me that everything that was still wrong with my body would be fixed by eating their way.

I can tell you that at least once a week someone in my general sphere of travel says something about how I eat. Or how they think I eat.

Just recently, I had someone who doesn't know me at all except to wave at suggest that I not have sugar in my coffee because I must watch my blood sugar. When I gave this person a blank look she replied that I'd have to watch myself for diabetes.

I don't know this woman. She doesn't know my name, has never seen my medical records but as with so many things my appearance gives her erroneous clues.

So I'm saying again that appearance is not equal to current health status.

I say again that what other people eat or what they do or don't do with their bodies is none of your fucking business unless they make it your business.

I say again that someone just being in the world walking around fat or thin does not make their body your business. Sight does not equal ownership.

All this said, here it is.

If you want to talk to me about food you're welcome to do so. If you want to tell me that you changed your diet and feel great that's awesome. But do not expect me to sit still for being lectured, preached to or worse yet judged.

To bring it back to Whole Foods, their shitty customer service not withstanding, after reading about some of their corporate policies, I wouldn't shop there any way.

The employee discount being related to BMI is enough to tell me that they like the diet industry don't give a fuck about your health, my health or their employees health. They want their money.


In non ranty news, I have made some of my fiction available for free download. You can find that right here. Most likely at some point I'm going to be doing a little collection monthly and leaving all the download links there for everyones enjoyment.

Now I am going to make some awesome coffee, drink it and be merry.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Dear Seattle this is why we can't have nice things.

This is a perfect example of why matters of race are not going to get better in this country.

First go read this article by Mr. Charles Mudede about a situation at his daughter's school. That is a whole other entry so what I want to focus on are a few other things.

Go ahead read I'll wait.

Now Seattle likes to think it's a Liberal wonderland where oh hay we're not racists but as comments on that post will show um, yeah lots of racism.

Let me quote the first comment"
really? i think you are the only one turning it into a race thing.
you are teaching your daughter intolerance by making a huge deal out of this.
so what a chinese girl was carrying a blonde doll? it seems YOU are the only one that is making a racial issue of this.
maybe your the one with issues here. racism is racism no matter what color its coming from and you are definitly coming off as racist.

If in fact one is not a racist, and would actively want to ensure that a situation is not in fact a racist situation, this is not the right approach to this conversation.

This is absolutely the reason why as I have often said, "shut up and listen".

As a person of color, there is nothing that pisses me off or makes me believe that yes, you're a racist faster than instant denials of any race based fuckery.

As these things go let's get a few things straight right off.

The absolute wrong way to approach a conversation about race is to start off with a defensive posture in order to protect the image of your brethren.

That is to say, steam rolling into OMG NOT RACIST is not okay.

It's not okay because after that what kind of conversation is to be had? What indication is there in an immediate denial of an experience that when I'm talking to you, you're going to listen to a word I say?

This is reason #1 why I often hate talking about race to self identified liberals who will run screaming that they aren't racists but five minutes later will say something like this. This is my experience in Seattle.

Now I'm going to take this out of a big sphere and bring it to just you and me.

Yes let's make it more intimate shall we?

I will say that you can refer to this as a primer for Race Discussions.

First rule of fightclub race discussion is even if you are really pissed off do not, I repeat do not lead out with anything including the words or sentiment "NOT RACIST".


Second rule, most likely unless it's something you said personally it's not about you personally so there is no need to take it as an insult. I know that's really difficult and often when other people who are like you are being called out on their shit, it can sting. Stay with it. Take a deep breath, repeat to yourself "I did not do it."

Third rule. Bear in mind that if you are speaking to a person of color, their experience of things is going to be radically different than yours if you are not a person of color. This, is (yeah I'm saying it) privilege. Nobody is mad at you for having whatever privilege, but it is important to understand that your privilege can and does give you an entirely different view.

Fourth rule. Realize that if someone has just experienced something they perceived as racist they are probably going to be upset. They might be really pissed off, they might want to cry, they might be really fucking terrified. As with many situations in life, do not try and downplay things because you will probably end up pissing that person off more or if they are a friend hurting them badly.

Because that does hurt.

One thing I will tell you is that for me personally (this comes from a large majority of my friends during my life being White people) a dealbreaker in a friendship is this kind of thing.

Imagine if you will.

I was in my early 20's and had gone to a job interview in my one nice conservative suit. I looked like every other young office person and I went into a store to buy a soda and something to snack on. I was the only person in the store and I stood at the counter waiting, then the owner turned to me and asked if I had cash, I figured that maybe their debit card thingy wasn't working and said I did. The cashier rang up my items then held them and demanded to see and count my cash, then checked my bills, then insisted that "you people" never have the right amounts blablabla.

I was so appalled I wasn't sure what to do. The owner got angry and loud, told me that I could never come in there again because he did not want to deal with "your kind" anymore and that if I didn't leave immediately or if I hung around he was going to call the police.

I told a friend of mine about it and her immediate response was all about how it couldn't have been race, that I was over reacting etc.

That hurt me deeply and I didn't talk about it with her anymore. Not long after that, I was in the area again and was waiting for a bus where apparently this guy could see me and he called security for the building. The guard came out and took one look at me and told me that man was a racist and anytime someone not white was near the bus stop he called security.

I don't care that I was right about this man being a racist, what I care about is the fact that my friend was so quick to question my experience. To assume that since she'd never experienced that it didn't happen.

That hurts.

Now to bring this back to being in Seattle.

One of the things I absolutely hate about living here is how prevalent and constant it is when a person of color says anything that indicates a racial issue, so many people have this instant negative reaction because Seattle is supposedly so Liberal and open minded.

It boggles my mind.

It's not just the situation with Mr. Mudede, I saw it when there was footage of a cop beating the fuck out of a girl (a teenage girl) in a jail cell, when a Latino man was beaten by police, I've seen it constantly.

And this is why on a national cultural level we are absolutely not post race because there is a Black man in the whitehouse.

Until by and large we can not instantly deny that something racist or racist flavored has occurred, we can't discuss it and we can't get to the bottom of it.

Frankly, in this particular instance I am angry. I'm angry at the fucking people in this city (many of whom use anon internets toughguy tactics) for being such fucking douchebags.

I am angry at the people in the comments trying to shame Mr. Mudede about his family's choice of hair products.

I am angry that the school district isn't being more firm.

And I am MOST angry because I could have been that little girl and I feel that deeply. I feel it because I spent a lot of my formative years being the only brown child in a class or one of maybe two and it really can fucking suck.

So I will leave you with this, please. PLEASE, if shit is going to get done learn how to listen. Learn how not to be the savior of the reputation of people with skin the same color as yours because it's not going to work and it's not going to fix anything.

Please understand that even if something proves not to be an issue of race, it is extremely important to have the dialogue in a way that makes it so that conclusion can be found.

And my biggest rule of all, Don't be a Dick be a Richard.

The above is my wee attempt at a little humor because if I don't laugh, I will cry.

Homo Out.

Call for Participants

Hi, my name is Michaela A. Null, and I am a doctoral student in Sociology at
Purdue University. I am doing a study about the embodiment of size-accepting fat
women, with attention to the ways in which gender, race, sexual orientation, and
body size intersect.

I am currently looking for individuals who are interested in volunteering to
participate in my study. If you are interested in volunteering to participate in
an interview, I ask that take an electronic informational survey, which will
take approximately 5 minutes. Please go here
[] and complete the
informational survey. After all survey data has been collected, participants
will be selected for interviews, which will be conducted in-person, by phone, or
via internet chat, and will last between an hour and an hour and a half.

Participation is voluntary and participants must be at least 18 years old.

This project has been approved by my university’s Institutional Review Board,
which protects human subjects of research. I will provide confidentiality to all
volunteers and participants will be referred to by a pseudonym in all research

If you have any questions regarding this study, you can contact me at For more information on me, you can access my university
profile here [].
You can also contact Professor Eugene Jackson, Assistant Professor of Sociology
at Purdue University, at


Michaela A. Null, Doctoral Candidate in Sociology, Purdue University

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Oh no...Ooooh snaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap.

I saw this video of a fat girl dancing from um..some dance show I dunno I don't watch it, anyway I saw this video over at Fatshionista, also read Lesley's entry here.

I really enjoyed watching this young lady dance and was reminded of a conversation I had with someone not all that long ago.

Now the woman I was talking to for reference is right around my ageish (33 or so), far thinner than I am, works in a casual office situation like I do. So we have a few things in common.

I see this woman every now and then and saw her a few weeks ago and we rode the bus home together. We were talking about petty office annoyances and she had said something about the water not being replaced. I mentioned that when ours is empty I put a new one on and she was shocked.

Not because oh hey you're a girl but because yep, I'm fat.

Despite the fact that she has seen (and remarked upon) seeing Uniballer and I walking all over, schlepping shitloads of things home she like lots of other people simply cannot parse the idea that someone can be fat and reasonably or very fit.

It's the same kind of thing that causes it to be shocking that someone finds or wants to have sex with someone fat.

This is why if someone says (all too often) "I prefer a chubby girl" or whatever euphemism they inject people go, oh shit oh SHIT OH SHIT FETISH FETISH FETISH!

I have seen it even from fat women (I'm especially talking about women here) that when someone expresses interest or flat out I don't know you but I think you're hot in a let's get naked kind of way (which is in my view a perfectly normal thing, humans sometimes just wanna touch other humans genitals) that immediately there's the question of oh are you a weirdo? Are you some fetishist looking for a thrill?

Lots of fat women get suspicious and often afraid when someone expresses lusty desire for them because we as humans are so inundated with the idea that a fat woman can't be sexy, can't be someone that another person will look at and go DAYUM YEAH.

We are conditioned to somehow despite massive amounts of evidence to the contrary that only certain kinds of people are acceptible to have lusty feelings for. That if you are going to express a want of someone who is outside of that sphere than one must have a fetish.

One must have some kind of issues to say, hey I think you are fantastic and you give me the special tingle.

The fact and for once I will absolutely stand by this as mother fucking fact, there are lots of fat people who are giving other people the special tingle then commencing some serious fucking.

I will also say that I believe it is not possible that every person who is having sex with a fat person is some kind of weirdo fetishist.

I also do not believe that every fat woman who is having sex out there is somehow settling because they are of course less than and must not have standards.

Fuck that.

I fully believe that it's entirely possible and probable to find all sorts of bodies desirable and that there is not a thing wrong with that.

Furthermore, I'd like to venture that if someone has a preference this does not turn it into a weird fetish.

When people say Oh I love redheads no one starts pointing and getting over excited accusing that person of having some freaky fetish.

No one argues when it's not about a non-standardized body.

If you take little else from this here are the high points.

1.) I do not believe that it's necessary to to keep othering sexual desire of fat people. Women in particular.

2.) I do not believe that fat people (again women in particular) are served by believing that they are the other and therefor anyone who shows marked sexual interest in them must be somehow weird in a not awesome way.

3.) I fully believe that it behooves humanity at large to learn the difference between an attraction and a fetish.

Now, I hate that I am fairly certain that this must be said but, none of this is giving the greenlight for anyone to be disrespectful or shitty.

What I mean is that while I yes believe that it's natural and good to have sexual desire for folks, it's not awesome to make the focus of that desire uncomfortable.

In other words, don't send strangers messages on picture sites, blogs etc that just say HEY LET"S FUCK.

Lots of people don't like that so don't do it.

Now go forth, frolic. Do some fuckin' if you want to and be safe doing it.

Now if you'll excuse me I have writing to do.

Homo Out.

PS..speaking of writing I'm putting together some files of my short short fiction to make available for download. I'll post links when I'm done.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

In praise of the absurd.

Today on my way to work there was a woman walking in front of me with the oddest mess of nine pounds of crazy cheap extension hair on her head.

I walked faster to marvel at the braids and whorls and loops, then I realized she had on a black velvet cape and though I did not see her face I was a little in love.

From the back the whole was indeed kind of bizarre and absurd and I loved it.

I loved her for working it, no she was not just wearing this ensemble she was WORKING IT.

I have to say, there is something profoundly beautiful and fantastic to me when people not only fly their freak flags but own that shit and work it.

I love it.

When I was a little girl my Father had the terrible awful habit of pointing out "Freaks". He was one of those people, pointing staring pulling the car around for another look.

I never said so but I wanted to see the freaks because I thought they were beautiful.

The punk kids he pointed and laughed at I thought were elegant and glamorous.

I remember one in particular, I can't recall if it was a boy or a girl but this person had these insanely tight pants on, black jeans and this huge platinum hair and I thought he or she was just beautiful.

So today, I say absurd and funny looking/dressing people of the world I fucking love you.

All of you people whom others look at and shake their heads, or point at or whisper. Hold your head up because I fucking love you.

I love you for making this world less boring.

I also am saying these things because I really do appreciate the freaks.

There are a lot of us out there and frankly we all need more Fuck yeahs.

I've been a bit down on myself lately due to my odder predilections. I've been not happy with my writing because it's not what typically sells in the market right now and that's upsetting and exhausting. I've been unhappy with my love of weird clothes and things.

And then I saw that woman today, strutting her stuff with her head full of crazy kanekalon hair and I remembered the things I do love about myself.

I do love and cherish the fact that yes, I'm a weirdo.

I'm a strange bird, I like weird things, I say weird things. Sometimes my brain goes bad dark places and that's okay.

In fact, it is mother fucking wonderful.

I forget sometimes that this eccentricity is one of the reason the people who love me do in fact love my crazy ass.

So here's to you lady with the insane hair piece.

I salute you.

Now if y'all will excuse me I am really tired. Uniballer and I walked all over W. Seattle last night and my knees hurt.

I will post some new pics at some point this week. Make up and other randomness.

in the mean time.

Don't forget my homies and haters I love you guys.

Fly your freak flag high.

Homo out.

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