Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Clothes and whatnot.

Okay first of all I have to quote Marianne today because she wrote something that I could have written myself.

But I know myself and here’s what would happen: I would have every INTENTION of spending fun money on clothes and then I’d be terrified I’d never have money again and not spend it on clothes because clothes are frivolous.

In her entry she talks about fantasy shopping, I do it constantly although I'm trying to stop because I upset myself.

Let me show you right quick a couple of things I am in love with right now.

This one is an outfit I"ve been jonesing for.

Now all together it doesn't seem like something unreasonable but I agonize over the idea of spending what is it 20$ on a tank top that's done when I order it by someone I'm pretty into.

For me the issue is convoluted and deeply seated.

First off I've been poor most of my life. I have in many instances absolutely had to hold onto things until they were unwearable or unusable because I wasn't sure when I'd get another.

A huge part of my fantasy shopping habit is that I often don't feel like I deserve to be wanting or buying nice things when say the phone bill is due or I'm maybe afraid my partners food stamps won't last through the month.

You guys have no idea how I behave when it comes time to buy things.

For instance someone donated (and thank you so much again) and I agonized for three fucking days about spending 8 dollars on some sparkly glittery shoes on Ebay.

Three days.

Three days worrying myself into indigestion.

This is embarrassing. I'm still working on being nicer to myself when I have issues. If I could afford therapy this would probably be a huge thing.

I remember like Marianne that I started fantasy shopping at a really young age. The first time probably around 7-8th grade. My titty fairy had visited and visited and visited and age appropriate clothing did not fit me. (Read about that here)

While I like Marianne went through the JCPenny catalog salivating over outfits and things I wanted to put together most often because I was so ashamed of my body and felt at fault for how it had grown and because my parents didn't have a whole lot of money I did most of my shopping at Kmart. What I always considered the old lady section.

Even when my parents could have afforded things I liked I refused and I felt horrible.

Even after my breast reduction I often told myself that I shouldn't want whatever thing because I was fat or because I didn't deserve it etc etc.

Fast forward all these years and I still struggle with those feelings.

And as I mentioned now it involves more that I tend to feel like I just shouldn't. I shouldn't buy new shoes (even though what I have hurts my feet or doesn't fit right) because there are bills to pay or because what if I need that money for X situation.

It's hard.

It's hard on my partner Uniballer because when I'm in the middle of this particular downward spiral I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I'm so upset over something that I think should be trivial I can't articulate what's wrong.

It's infuriating to deal with and I try really hard to settle down and get through it.

These days I'm getting better. I'm getting better at treating myself the way I tell you folks to treat yourselves.

It's difficult.

So when I'm yammering about side hustles etc, this is why. It's because I keep thinking if I can just make whatever extra little bit of money I won't feel so bad when I want to buy something shiny.

I'm going to try really hard to be nicer to myself about these things and use my fantasy shopping for good rather than just to have one more thing to be an asshole to myself about.

In less angsty news on the advice of grown up authors, I'm going to make a real author grown up site that is entirely separate from the blog experience here. I will eventually have my free fiction collection and the downloadable/buyable essays there.

I will probably post a form type thing when I'm ready so I can link to my homies. I'll also do a couple of little banners and whatnot.

I think that's it for today my friends. Day job calls.

Remember my darlings. Be nice to yourselves, life sucks when you aren't.

Homo Out.

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