Monday, July 26, 2010

My body my enemy?

For a long time I viewed my body as my absolute enemy.

It started with Superman. When I was a little kid I wanted to grow up to be Superman. I knew without a doubt that when I went through that whole puberty deal, I would grow a penis and then go on to grow up and be Superman.

I knew this without a doubt.

At some point, someone convinced me that no this wouldn't happen and I was absolutely devastated. I was heart broken.

I recall laying in bed trying to go to sleep but laying there seething. I very suddenly resented my body for doing things without my permission. That's the kind of kid I was (am).

That set a precedent for me and my relationship with my body.

I have spent more time battling my body because it does things I don't approve of rather than fighting how my body looks.

Looking back I see the cycle where my own body shame starts and flowers if I am not vigilant against it.

When I find I am unable to physically do something I think I should be able to that is when I get angry. I get angry, I direct that anger at myself to being unable to do X thing, I feel shame, that makes me angry rinse fucking repeat.

I think that in the way that children can (if they are not overly messed with) I at some point just accepted that I was never going to look like everyone else. Being the only Black child in my classes in elementary school etc played a huge part in that.

I couldn't say why or how it was that I came to accept this as just being something that was there and that I didn't really need to spend time worrying about but there you have it.

So when I can't do something, that's when the shit hits the fan.

When my self esteem does take a dive based on appearance or size, it's more difficult for me to deal with it than it is when I just can't do something.

For me it's difficult to parse those shitty thoughts with my own core values. Thus I feel guilty and then I get angry and then, well rinse fucking repeat.

Acceptance has helped me in a huge way.

Once I really dissected the idea of simply accepting certain things, getting over those hurts or at least processing them and moving past them has gotten easier.

There was a time that an entry like my previous one would've sent me off running into hiding out of shame and embarrassment. I would have dwelt on it and stewed and ultimately suffered more because I wouldn't have been able to either share those feelings or accept that I was having them and move towards dealing with them.

So I will say without reservation that learning how to accept it when I (insert thing here) and to not judge myself for it or punish myself but feel it, experience, deal with it has become the back bone of my self esteem.

All the sparkly make up, fancy clothes and beautiful shoes in the world would not really change that and I'm thankful for that.

So now I'm 33 and I'm not upset I won't grow up to be a big strong man, and I'm not upset that I can't change my physical gender as easily as changing underpants (another thing I took serious issue with as a child, whole other entry though), I am not upset that my body is not the sort of body that is easily clothed in a manner I find appealing. I am upset that the options for clothing my particular body in a manner I find appealing seem to be diminishing but, I can deal.

I can deal with it.

Yep.

So tomorrow, talk about corsetry, costumes, finding a hot ass Fat man size suit for Uniballer and possibly some other stuff.

Homo Out.

PS..
I will probably also do an entry about aging and how my menstrual cycle has done gone crazy as well with bonus medical commentary.
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