Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Returning from the crisis.

If you've been playing along lately I've been having some don't be an asshole to self issues lately.

Now I want to quote Marianne (again I know shut up I kinda love her):

When we talk about self care, that’s always part of the context for me – this concept that so many people have put it off and put it off until they are in kind of crisis over it. If I don’t watch out, and consciously make myself take care of things, this happens to me. It’s such an easy pattern of benign neglect.

I've been thinking a lot about self care lately and what it means for me and I have had a few AHA moments, along with soem um..WTF I KNEW THAT moments.

I'm learning more as I get older that self care and self esteem go hand in hand for me. And when my ways of caring for myself fall off I start to show cracks.

I have to admit something to you guys.

When it comes to my self esteem and self image the majority of moments that make me feel bad come from a deeply rooted doubt about my brain power.

If you've read me for a while I've mentioned off and on doing an etsy store with nice shawls, scarves etc and maybe branching out into hair dodads and stuff.

This hasn't happened because I don't want to or because I can't. I have lost faith that I can do something like that successfully.

I don't know why (yeah I can't afford therapy right now) but I have a huge weakness in that I will not keep faith in myself.

I have a dread fear of mediocrity or worse being ignorant and unable to do anything about it.

So my friends my self esteem is not bullet proof.

And part of me self caring needs to involve re-learning how to be brave enough to maybe fail or feel stupid.

It's really fucking hard.

Furthermore I haven't been blogging as regularly as usual because I've had somewhat of a crises of (yes again) faith.

I've felt out of sorts and out of place.

I've felt like I keep yammering and it's inconsequential and thus I should shut my yap.

I'm making myself stop that.

I'm making myself go ahead with plans for a grown up author website, I'm going to keep making my little crafty things and have a fucking store. Even if I never make a dime I will do it because I want to know if I can.

For some reason now that I'm in my 30's I've suddenly grown this fear shell of some sort. I'm afraid to royally fuck anything up. I'm afraid to put myself into the big world (as in my author site) because I'm not a novelist, I'm not a "name" blogger, I'm not famous.

And then that little voice in my head, we'll call it the Punk Rock Fuck you voice, starts muttering and then yelling WHO GIVES A FUCK DO IT.

To bring things back to Marianne's quote up there.

I'm in a bit of a crisis personally speaking.

I need to regain my Fuck You stance,

I need to look in the mirror and say, "Bitch please."

So that's where I'm at and where I've been.

Expect some more regular type blogging from me. More sex talk, more fat sex talk, more glitter, more ass and more awesome.

I know it's in here, I just have to reach in and find it again. So basically I'm saying in my usual long winded way, I'm coming back from the crisis. And I have a lot of you to thank for your encouragement and kind words. I may not always make it clear but it does mean a whole fucking lot to me.

And I love you my homies and haters. I really do.

Homo out.

PS..while you still can don't forget you can download a free tiny collection of short fiction from me. (That whole system is getting revamped when I open my author site as will the essay page and remember please please if you do buy an essay click the return to merchant button after you pay so you can get your download on.)


Brickhouse said...

I can't express how much I love the "Punk Rock Fuck You Voice". I don't call him that though. I call him Jack. His full name being Jack Without Whom I Would Have Given Up Blogging, Music And Fatshion SO Long Ago.

witchyvixen said...

You honestly don't know how powerful your words are? How you have the ability to stab through down to the guts of it? To me you are a "name" blogger.

I know. I am dragging through the dark lands right now too. Dealing with fear and loathing myself for it. I'm a hard core tough bitch, mostly. If my people knew how I quiver inside at some of the simplest most asinine things... It just occurred to me, what exactly would happen if they knew? LOL Nothing. I might be laughed at but who gives a damn. Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck.

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