Monday, August 02, 2010

Gender, my brain etc.

If you don't spend a lot of time around me in Meatspace you probably don't know that I am quite comfortable using both masculine and feminine pronouns/descriptors when I talk about myself.

I mentioned in this entry about my very early heartbreak when I realized I would not grow a penis and become Superman, I also recently talked some about my own femme identity.

If you don't read a lot of my other writing, you don't know that I quite often write from a male perspective as often as I do from a female perspective. See examples here at The Legendary. I also sometimes write without a thought to gender.

For years this was not something I had any kind of issue with. It's not something I went out of my way to develop it just kind of happened without any real thought on my part.

In conversation I may just as easily say my cunt as I might say my cock.

And when I say it I don't make any distinction in my brain as to physical parts.

I started meeting transgender and genderqueer people in my early 20's and they were the first to point out this trait and as I've done more gender research over the years I've figured out that probably psychologically speaking I'm a bit of a gender chimera.

There is no huge demarcation between what my brain does and what I physically have in the crotchal region. I have no dissonance or disconnect from this it just is.

As I get older and think about these things more I realize that there are a lot of things about what I call my Core Being, that were formed when I was a wee tiny tot and that I have been the most miserable in my life when I thought I could or needed to change those things.

I am starting to understand on a very deep level that if I stop fucking with myself about say gender or the shape of my ass voila, I feel better.

I fully believe that in order for me to live the kind of life I want I need to continue peeling away the bullshit I've painted onto my thought processes.

I am proclaiming this to be a radical act.

I am proclaiming that in order to live and practice Radical Self Love and thus Radical Self acceptance and on a larger scale Radical Acceptance of other people, I need to keep letting the bullshit fall away.

So more of this as time goes on.

I have more thoughts.

For right now though I'm working on tackling my abject fear of submitting creative non fiction.

Now your homework for the night my homies is to look yourself in the mirror or other reflective surfaces, give yourself the nod and say fuck yeah.

Homo Out.
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2 comments:

Mollena said...

Fierce.

Mockingbird Girl said...

Beautiful. Honest. Inspiring.

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