Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Stay Alive #2. Anger.

I'm going to try and do these every day this week.

Today I want to talk about anger.

As Aunty Kate very astutely pointed out yesterdayMonday, that was righteous anger.

When I was a child and a young adult I did not know how to be angry on my own behalf. I could be angry when someone else got picked on or hurt, I could be angry that my school districts curriculum was lacking to me. I could work up a foaming frothing lather of an anger.

But never for myself.

I could rally and verbally rip someone a new one but never in defense of myself.

I learned along the way (wrongly in my mind) that I had no right to be upset. that it didn't matter if people hurt me or if I just felt it.

Let me stop here to make a little confession.

This has been harder to write than the other entry. I started it yesterday but couldn't finish.

So the plain truth of it is that for a long time I did not believe that I was worth fighting for. I did not believe that all that righteous anger I had over other things, for others could apply to me too.

For a long time even though I pretended, I felt worthless. I felt useless and completely unneeded in this world.

Once I figured out that yes, yes I am worthy.

Yes I deserve to try to have the life I want. I deserve to be happy and be in this world it got better.

And I got angry for myself.

I got angry and that is where my fuck you attitude came from.

I got so fed up with a world that felt like all it wanted to do was tear me apart I got really fucking pissed off.

I realized that no one was going to make it better for me. I realized that if no one was going to fight for me I had to fight for myself.

I decided that the fucking world that pulled at me was not going to have me.

The world cannot have me. The world in this context being the people who picked on me, the people who didn't care, the people who ripped me off, the people who metaphorically shit on me could not have me.

I'm not a really competitive person by nature but I am an angry one.

I started channeling my rage into survival. Survival to spite every fucking thing that said I shouldn't.

I decided fuck you.

Fuck the system that does not and will not ever work in my favor.

I decided I would live.

Honestly, sometimes it's been so hard I wanted to just lay over and let whatever happen. So I won't tell you that things just get better because sometimes they don't.

Sometimes you have to bite and claw your way through. Sometimes you have to fight dirty. Sometimes you have to as Auntie Kate said, just make it better.

Sometimes it is the little things that make it better. Sometimes it's trying to get through the next five minutes or the next five seconds.

That's ok.

None of us get the fairy tale.

We have to create our own happy endings and dreams.

Sometimes in order to stay alive you must leave behind your family and the place you come from.

Sometimes it means you have to go it alone.

I know it hurts. It hurts and it's so fucking hard but you can't give your life away.

You deserve a chance to make a life. Your life doesn't belong to them. It doesn't belong to the assholes who tease you, it doesn't belong to your parents, it doesn't belong even to your partner it's yours.

I know how hard it is. And I know how hopeless things can be but there is help.

A few tips.

Use social networks. Find like minded people. It doesn't matter if you're shy, if you're socially inept, if you're gay/straight/trans/whatever. There are people out in the big wide world who will get it or at least empathize.

If you can read this, you can do it.

There are message boards, groups on facebook, etc etc. Give it a shot it's worth it.

If you need help right now or just want someone to listen here's what you do in the US.

Most counties in the US have general information lines that you can call for free.

Use this google search string to find yours, I'll use my county King as an example.

King County (put your county name there or city name) crisis line. Here is my search.

Choose one of the options and look for an email address, contact number etc and call. Please call.

There is also the Trevor Project for gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual and questioning youth.

If you feel that you are in immediate danger such as from family use that county or city search again and someone can help you.

If someone is hurting you or beating you up call 911. Don't be afraid. Get help, stay alive.

Here are some more resources. These people are not here to judge you they are there to help. Be brave. Take your life back.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

National suicide prevention number for the deaf- 1-800-799-4TTY (4889)
Deaf Hotline

National Runaway hotline- Call 1-800-RUNAWAY

National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

No matter what anyone tells you, no matter how bad you feel your life is worth something.

Your life is worth the bullshit of going through all the bad stuff and coming out the other side.

Stay Alive.

Homo Out.

PS if any of my readers have additional tips or other places to seek help please leave links or info.

1 comment:

Kjen said...

i'm glad you posted this. so often i was told and still am to a certain extent - that i shouldn't get angry, appear too strong, basically offend other people's perception of what i should be.
but i've come to realize how useful and even natural it is at times to be angry. and if i am to live authentically i will have to admit when i'm angry, why i'm angry even if other people don't like it.
a few days ago i was too tired to speak up for myself. it was over a matter of receiving proper service while in line in the grocery store. a small matter. but i've been stewing over it since. i wish i had stuck up for myself. that i had dug down - gritted my teeth to find the energy to speak up. fighting for myself, to assert myself is a matter of survival, but its also a matter of me respecting myself, liking the person that i am because i respect people who are not push overs.

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