Monday, October 04, 2010

Stay Alive.

If you are on twitter you may or may not be familiar with the hashtag #stayalive I became familiar with it through Auntie Kate (oh HI SweetKittenToes) and use it fairly often. And warning you guys, there could be triggering stuff in here re: bullying, rape, etc. Be warned.

Matter of fact watch this from her blog.



There have been many times in my life where I either actively wanted to die or just did not care one way or the other.

I am 33 and I am still alive.

Almost every birthday I reflect on the many friends I've lost. Some to addiction, to AIDS, to suicide, to murder.

Every birthday I wake up and no matter how crapass the day is I realize that I am still fucking alive.

Staying alive for me has meant a big fuck you to many people/things.

It's a big fuck you to people who tormented me when I was a child for no good goddamn reason.

It's a big fuck you to the girl who walked up to me, slapped me and said I hope you get raped because I had enormous boobs when I was 13.

It's a big fuck you to the adults who catcalled me when I was 13.

It's a big fuck you to the adults who saw my misery and tears and ignored me.

It's a big fuck you to every person who ripped me off when I had nothing.

It's a big fuck you to every single one of you mother fuckers who questioned my Blackness.

It's a big fuck you to being desperate and hungry.

Fuck. You.

It's a big fuck you to the doctors who let me suffer because according to them insomnia isn't a good reason to seek care.

I am still fucking here.

I am still alive.

At some point about 8-9 years ago I decided fuck you I'm living.

Fuck you.

FUCK YOU.

One too many disappointments, too much time spent thinking I was not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough or deserving of a good life.

Fuck that.

I may not always be happy. Sometimes life is really fucking hard. But I'm still alive.

As much of a hippy as I am at heart I'm also implacable about this.

I will survive all of it. I am a soldier. I will make it through because I have to.

Not for you, not for my partner but for myself.

This entry is for everyone hurting. All of you who are afraid and in pain. For everyone who's questioning the value of living. Everyone who's getting bullied right this instant.

Don't let the world take you out.

No matter how bad it gets whether it's chemical (as in organic brain function type depression) or your life is just really fucking hard, know that there is at least one person taht gets it and wants you to survive.

I can't promise that it gets easier. I'm 33 and some days it's all I can do to get through the day.

I can't promise it'll be candy and puppies.

But we can all try.

We can all fight.

Every day you live and survive the bullshit it's your victory.

I will close with my theme song.



Lyrics for those who don't like punk music:
My War- Black Flag

My war you're one of them
You say that you're my friend
But you're one of them

You don't want to see me live
You don't want me to give
'cause you're one of them

My war you're one of them
You say that you're my friend
But you're one of them

I might not know what a friend is
All I know is what you're not
'cause you're one of them

My war you're one of them
You say that you're my friend
But you're one of them

I have a prediction, it lives in my brain
It's with me every day, it drives me insane
I feel it in my heart, that if I has a gun
I feel it in my heart, I'd wanna kill some
I feel it in my heart, the end will come
Come on!!

My war you're one of them
You say that you're my friend
But you're one of them

Tell me that I'm wrong
Try to sing me your ego song
You're one of them

My war you're one of them
You say that you're my friend
But you're one of them

My war.

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/black+flag/#share
~

I love you my homies and haters.

Tomorrow a follow up. A peek at the actual core of yours truly.

I really kind of wish I had pictures of something in my insides to use for that but I don't. I KNOW it's weird.

Note to self: more photos of yourself giving the finger.

Homo Out.
Share/Bookmark

5 comments:

maggiemunkee said...

thank you so much for posting this. i want to give you many, many hugs. and now i have to go read EVERYTHING kate bornstein has ever written.

Kate Bornstein said...

OK, my lovely... wow. Whenever someone asks me "What is righteous anger," I am going to point them to this blog of yours. I needed to hear an angry voice that wasn't bullying anyone. So, thanks for speaking up for so many of us who back away or back down from anger. big love & respect, Auntie Kate

FreeFox said...

"I may not always be happy. Sometimes life is really fucking hard. But I'm still alive."

That's it, really, innit? That's it.

No idea if you ever read Herman Hesse's "Steppenwolf". I was 13 when I read it. The main character tells us that he always consoled himself with the thought that he'd kill himself on his 50th birthday. This deadline made everything bearable. No matter how bad it got, he always could say to himself, well, I just have to hold on a little longer, but eventually... at my 50th birthday the very latest, the pain will cease. I loved that sentiment... and I hated it, at the same time.

Sometimes it's not enough. Sometimes you just don't have the patience to wait for another 10 or 20 or 40 years. Not even for another single bloody day. Sometimes you just want it to end right then and there.

But there is also a terrible cowardice in just waiting for it to pass, isn't there? That was what I hated about the thought. That maybe I was just waiting for it to pass. A tatto over my heart, depicting a clockface and the words "painkiller" encircling it.

It isn't enough. Life wants to be met head on. Life wants to be lived, not just suffered through.

But of course, to be able to do that, to get back on the horse, no matter how often you fall down, you have to be alive. It is the lowest but most important requirement for everything.

Nobody dies with dignity. You can only live with dignity.

I am glad you are alive. I am glad I am alive. Even on those days when it's really hard to be.

Live on, dark lady! Live on, be big, be angry, eat red meat, flip us all the bird, dance and sing along to Black Flag. Live life.

And thank you for the post.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this.

Simone Lovelace said...

More photos of your giving the finger?

YES!

You are fifteen kinds of awesome, Shannon.

Subscribe To My Podcast