Friday, October 22, 2010

Yes I am fancy.

So after my epic bout of upset yesterday I talked it over with a friend, did some processing and nailed the actual cause of my upset.

Yes I was upset that this item that as a fat woman is a rare glitter pooping unicorn thing, was not going to be attainable.

However the more over arching issue is this.

And yes this is really fucking personal thus it's really difficult to talk about publicly for me but here we go.

I don't really always take care of myself first. I take care of my partner, I make sure the bills are paid, I get shit done.

Unfortunately Getting Shit Done often means that I go without.

You all really have no idea how much of a hard thing it was for me to go ahead and just spend 75 goddamn dollars on pants. Not because I didn't need pants, I did really -really- need some pants but my brain always defaults to me feeling guilty and irresponsible for having nice things.

On a deeper level I often feel like I haven't worked hard enough to deserve nice things thus if I get nice things I'm being irresponsible, a shitty adult and over all fucking things up in some way.

This is honestly you guys a huge huge source of anxiety in my life. I punish myself for what on the inside I feel are petty indulgences.

This intersects with fashion because I really do love clothes. I love fashion, I love glamor, I LOVE (as in crotch tingling love) boots I love doing myself up and feeling like I look fancy.

This as you might imagine clashes directly with my feelings of guilt and anxiety about having or deserving nice things.

Almost every thing I buy for myself whether it's a necessity like tampons or an indulgence like over the knee boots, I immediately can tell you how much of the phone or electric bill that will pay, how much food that can buy, how much saving that 4$ because shit really might happen.

Part of this is rooted in having spent a lot of time being just that poor. Of having to choose between having toilet paper or food, paying the rent or having new socks or bus fare.

If you've read me for a long time you already know that this is something I struggle mightily with. I am working on it but it's that one huge issue that can fuck me up at will to the point where I just can't.

I can't and then I don't have nice things. And then I'm upset because I don't have new pants or socks or whatever, and I'm resentful that I feel this way. And then I'm angry at myself for getting so upset in the first place because I Have Shit To DO.

This feeling is a product of a lot of influences. It comes from having to keep my shit together because I had to go to work, or I you know Had Shit to Do.

I also have to mention that for me I'd rather fritter away about fat and things because I have had such a problem in my life feeling okay to say when I'm not okay.

Even probably six months ago I wouldn't have made this post or yesterdays post. I would have been too embarrassed or I would have made it about the larger issue to keep it from being personal and leaving me emotionally naked.

So there you have it.

At the root of it I was upset because I have an opportunity to make myself feel fancy and I felt like it was getting fucked up in ways outside of my control and major angry ensued.

I feel better today.

My Awesome Partner Uniballer (for those of you who are new Uniballer is my partner, he is a cis dude with one nut hence the name Uniballer. In public I also call him Frank, Bob, Silent Bob and Hempknight none of those are his actual name) did some hunting around and talking to fat drag queens and found me boots.

Right now I am feeling pretty fancy.

Yes I said it.

So there you have it.

I may or may not post over the weekend. It all depends.

If I don't have a marvelous and lovely weekend my darlings.

Homo Out.

PS- you have homework. do something that makes you feel fancy. Have a wank, take a nap, do something that makes you feel good.


vesta44 said...

Aren't the men in our lives awesome! I'm glad he was able to help you find boots, since you'd found the pants you wanted.
And I totally get where you're coming from on the buying for yourself front. Even when I know the bills are paid and there's extra money, I'd rather spend it on what hubby needs/wants before I spend it on what I need/want. I'm getting better at that, but it does take time, even when I know money isn't tight and isn't going to be tight, I still have that "what if" mentality.

witchyvixen said...

Love Uni-B, so glad you have him in your life.

Yah. When you've been down to the point of wondering whether or not TP is a luxury it can be hard to adjust to spending a significant amount of money on a quality item despite your need for it. I start to hate on everything when I usually almost immediately have a bill (a necessary bill like elec or rent) staring me in the face. I get the, "oh if only" woe is me's.

And then sometimes I just get so tired of it all. Why try?

LOL leave it to me to suck all the joy out of a shopping experience.

No one, really said...

I'm glad you got your fancy boots! I've been (lurking for a while and) wondering about the origin of Uniballer's name. My other two theories were either that he played college ball or always used a particular type of pen.

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