Monday, November 15, 2010

A day of unbearable whiteness.

I was just saying to a couple of people that I'm kinda meh about the usual visuals I like.

The thing is that I read a lot of fashion, make up, etc blogs and as I've mentioned before sometimes the constant mainstream pretty of them just wears me out.

I'm kind of at a loss right now for images pertaining to things that interest me.

To be more precise I'm feeling overwhelmed by whiteness.

As a woman of color some days it's just exhausting and disheartening.

It's one of those days where I'm sick of the internet, sick of media. Every corner where I might turn for comfort or visual enjoyment it's all Thin Pretty White Ladies.

As you've probably seen me say before there is nothing wrong with Thin Pretty White Ladies. I am very fond of a lot of Thin Pretty White Ladies.

My problem is that it seems like almost all of my interests are saturated with Thin Pretty White Ladies and today it's just too much for me.

Honestly my homies it's just upsetting sometimes.

For me it's more of an issue because I'm into all flavors of Alt culture. Fashion, art, etc and yep, you guessed it more Thin Pretty White Ladies.

More body diversity would probably mitigate some of my sadness and..shit I don't even know how to put it.

I just kind of throw my hands up and feel sad. I'm not angry. I'm not jealous. I'm not even annoyed I'm just tired and disheartened.

It's not just as simple as contributing or participating. I can't do ALL THE THINGS despite how much I may want to do ALL THE THINGS.

Sometimes it's tiring enough that I wish I could change my tastes in so many things. I wish I enjoyed some of the mainstream Black ladies mags more. I just don't.

This tiredness ties very much into my reluctance to be more involved with things like performance art and self portrait type projectish things.

Even though I'm 33 years old I still sometimes find it awfully intimidating to enter worlds that are mainly white people centric. I'm afraid that it will turn into the Educating Negress hour rather than be about me doing my thing with other people who are into the same thing.

I'm afraid of how painful it is when people say things that are racist by ignorance.

I'm afraid of how painful it is when I become the brown point of view by default and not because anyone is really interested in what I have to say.

These are things that I must contend with and it's fucking hard.

While on one hand I would love to stay in a position of the Educating Negress, sometimes I just want to enjoy what I'm doing.

I just feel worn out y'all. Worn out and uncomfortable.

The point is no, there is nothing wrong with Whiteness. Let me repeat that, nothing wrong with Whiteness. Sometimes, it just gets to be overwhelming and today y'all, I'm overwhelmed.

In other news I've admitted defeat in regards to Nanowrimo. I have a bunch of other shit to do and I can't concentrate on jamming out a word count. So I'm done.

Tomorrow I'll talk about something else. Probably about the best compliment I've gotten lately. It was epic.

Goonight my Homies.

Homo Out.
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1 comment:

xlivvielockex said...

Amazing. I totally get what you are saying. Some days, it just gets to be too much. Like just once you want to see someone that looks like you out there.

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