Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Holy shit she blew a fat man.

Okay y'all. I'm telling you now that I"m talking about sex workers, fat, and whatnot. I will also say that if you're running low on sanity points maybe don't read this whole article. Also not a one of these links today are going to be work safe.
Take a breath.


So we all know (or if you're new) I love Always Aroused Girl. She posted a link to an article in the Sexis Magazine written by The Beautiful Kind.

For reference the article is about (I'm assuming, I haven't read all of them) her time being a sex worker. So we are all on the same page let's get a few things in a row before I get into what she said and how I feel about it.

I am pro sex worker. I believe that sex work can be as fulfilling a job as any other. I feel that sex workers need protection, respect and support. I feel that sex work of all flavors (when it involves adults of course) needs to be decriminalized. I an pro sex worker unions, I am pro sex workers being trusted to make their own decisions as to the kind of sex work they do from phone sex to escorting and everything in between. So this is not about shaming a sex worker.

At the end here I'll drop some links to sex workers whom I admire very much. So this is not about me having issues with TBK being a sex worker. If y'all would like I'll do a whole other bunch of posts about sex work in and of itself.

I have issues with the way she spoke about the fat man.

Let's get started.

I was reading the article and being that I have done sex work myself and have made it a point to read what other sex workers have had (and do have) to say I wanted to see what she had to say. I was stopped at this bit:

This guy looked like he had eaten the obese man. He weighed at least 500 pounds, and wore a big orthopedic boot. I was horrified, but I didn’t let it show.

Okay here's the thing TBK, and just because it's how my brain works I will address this to her specifically though I a.) don't expect she'll see it and b.) I don't know her it's just how my brain works. This very fat man wearing an orthopedic boot (ableist much..I'll get to that) was probably very well aware that you were horrified.

The fact is that man had probably experienced that second of horrified look for as long as he had been fat. I would also venture to say that, that was probably what led him to seeking your services to begin with. In a perfect world those who desire sexual partners of whatever kind would be able to find them but that is not the world as it is.

For that moment you absolutely represented all of the worst things about being a fat person.

I'm not even quoting anymore from this. Apparently from what the editor posted because some of the commentors took issue with this as well these experiences were from years ago.

(Editor's Note, after the fact: If you're new to the Whore Journals, you should probably know that the events described occurred some years ago. This installment of the series is the next-to-last. We at SexIs are sensitive to the issues raised in the comments to this particular piece, as is the writer, who will be providing an epilogue to this long-running series that we expect will address some of the questions raised by readers. We appreciate and encourage the free flow of thoughts and ideas. Thanks for being here.)

Here's the thing.

Many of the sex workers I know have come to loathe their clientele or at least put them into a subhuman category as a self defense mechanism. So I get that but in the article her language was just cruel.

I hope that TBK who on all of her sites talks a lot about sex positive and all of that and using language like "disgusting" and lingering on some visible physical issues the way she did strikes me as absolutely sex negative or the kind of bullshit sex positive attitudes I have run into on occasion.

Yes maybe you were in fact grossed out by his body but I'm more grossed out by your attitude. I sincerely hope that this man doesn't run across this because it's hurtful. Honestly as someone who's just recently read some of her work and blog I'm feeling grossed out.

I have a hard time reconciling the language she used to talk about this man. Was it really necessary to go into such lovingly dehumanizing language and detail?

We know I'm an author. I know that someones we want to use language to be evocative but, at the same time I do believe that she could have conveyed how she was feeling about that particular customer without frankly being an asshole.

I have thought about it and I do hope that in her last post or whatever they are doing she talks about that but I don't really even want to know. I'm not reading any more of that because it's gross and I don't like it.

I've thought about it from a personal view, from an author view and from an activist view and regardless of the fact that this was presented in diary entry format, as an author if I had thought those things and don't think those things at present I would have made that clear.

And if she does still feel that way, well shit then she's not someone I would want to support.

I began studying and reading about sex positive culture when I was 18 years old. When I was young I was almost always the only Black person, the only fat girl and I think there were probably people who thought I was gross. I have experienced people fat bashing then turning to look at me and say, "oh but not you." I have experienced that look, that second of horror that people think they can hide but you know what you can't.

And having experienced that as a sex worker, as someone in the dating pool, as back in the day a single swinging girl, I cannot in good conscious support her or her work in any way.

Once upon a time I might have signed up to be a member at Sexis and ranted my wee heart out. As I get older I'm less inclined to engage with people I get a bad impression from. At this point I would rather pour my energy into love.

I'm not saying that people can't have different ideas or ideas that are contrary to mine. What I'm saying here is that when I come across these kinds of attitudes, or bloggers who use language I think is gross and hurtful I just quietly withdraw my support.

To sum up: TBK, that was foul. Sexis Magazine, you may have wanted to say something about the piece before you put it up rather than after people in the community expressed their own hurt. Everyone else, you don't have to support or put up with this kind of thing either. Swearsies.

Now the promised sex worker I admire links.

Jiz Lee. Um..pure awesomeness. No really- seriously.

Courtney Trouble.

Buck Angel.

Kelly Shibari.

Tasty Trixie and her partner Delia. Both of whom I find terribly hawt.

That's all you get for now. But yes. The above four people turn my crank. Get my engine running and give me a special tingle in my brains and private areas.

And let me say lastly that honestly if you are someone who is just not comfortable calling people out or leaving comments when you read things that upset you, I urge you to try my current strategy. Quietly withdraw your support and don't be shy about telling people you are not supporting X because of X reason. You don't have to make a stink or be loud to make a difference.

Now I love you my homies and haters.

I will post about the most awesome Holiday season I've had in awhile. And I'll leave you with my very first ever video. Taken on Whidby Island, with my little camera that could.

Homo Out.

PS..I decided to try out having some affiliate links to ethical porn I like. I will probably put those on a separate page so people who don't want to see it don't have to. I'll put up a link when I can.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Stuff happened and OMG look what I did.

December has been really productive for me in ways that are not blogging.

The first productive and okay seriously awesome thing that happened was I did a guest post for Marianne over at The Rotund. I talked about writing smut. It was awesome and my first ever guest post for anyone anywhere.

Next thing. My writing website got a little bit of a redo. See it here. Speaking of the writing, you'll notice there is a wordpress blog there. Yep. I decided to do some writing about my writing life in a more um...well a less familiar way than I do over on LJ. So far not a lot of posts but more to come. I'll be talking about rejections (a lot), resources and I hope to feature some authors I really love and possible email interviews.

And I have a confession to make y'all. One of the reasons my blogging has slowed down so much is that I'm writing more essays. The upside is that I'm writing some really good shit the downside is that for whatever reason I haven't yet mastered essaying and blog post writing. I am looking into finding more publishing opportunities for my essays so watch for that.

Back to fat yes?

Fuck yes.

So I've been thinking about a few things and something someone asked me a while ago.

Someone asked me not too long ago why I'm not or why I don't really try to get into more of the FA spotlight.

The most simple answer is that I don't know that I feel it's necessary.

I don't think that if someone's sole interest is FA that my little spot here is the place to turn to. I don't do studies, I don't do take downs of things. I used to try really hard to do those things because that's what seemed to be the thing to be doing as an FA blogger.

Honestly that stuff bores the shit out of me. Doing it makes me unhappy so I stopped trying.

So I'll do what I'm good at.

Next thing, you have got to watch this documentary. The Fat Body (in)Visible.

the fat body (in)visible from Margitte Kristjansson on Vimeo.

There is some nakedness. And I say again, everyone needs to watch it.

One of the most powerful things to do as a person who is fat or otherwise often rendered invisible by our culture is to in fact be seen.

I started this yesterday but let's continue shall we?

I just saw this on Tumblr:

Can I just say fuck to the yes?

This is awesome visibility.

This is what I'm talking about and this is what kinda turns my crank about visibility.

If you're walking down the street minding your own damn business and you have an apprearance or your presentation is as such that it makes people uncomfortable and perhaps they feel the need to confront you about it, you are fucking with the idea that you as an entity are invisible to the world and some people are not ready for that.

I've found that when I have walked around perhaps dressed in a visually loud manner and have not walked with my head down or my shoulders up around my ears, that is when I have been screwed with by random people.

I discovered the inherent power is visibility very much by accident. I remember it almost down to the second the anger related feelings sparked and flew.

Picture this:

Yours truly right around the tender age of 20. So I had this long super goth Funhouse brand dress I bought on clearance from Hot Topic. OH wait..wait I have a picture.

Aw damn I don't have it.

Anyway, after buying that dress when I wore it, I went balls out darkity dark dark princess complete with black bob hair cut black wig with the widows peak bangs, huge platform boots, shiny PVC purse with bondage straps. When I wore that dress, I did not just dressed I went for it.

I figured that a full length black filmy gown with it's down goddamn cape attached to it deserved such drama.

So I was wearing that ensemble and was downtown Seattle heading to Tenzig Momo for incense and I'd intended to take myself out for sushi before going to work. I was leaving the market when this really really angry woman stopped me and demanded to know who I thought I was dressed like that.

Some strange Black lady stood and gave me what for in the street for no other reason than she didn't like my outfit. I did not know this lady, she was not related to me, she did not pay for my clothing or housing.

It was the first time when something like that happened I lost my shit. I went crazy right back at her in my special calm, cold, monotone way.

When I am truly righteously angry, when I am entering nuclear bomb territory I speak very calmly, coldly and clearly. I want you to hear every word.

I did not make her cry (as I kind of had a habit of at that age) but I did discover that for whatever reason, my decision about how to walk around the world had power.

This was around the same time I also started discovering that being sexy and having big tits had power but we'll save that for another day.

The point is this.

When you present yourself in such a way that there is no missing you or ignoring you, it is so powerful it can make complete strangers lose their cool.

Most of the time I think deep down when people get angry about things like presentation, at the root of it they just can't stand to see other people doing things they themselves don't have the guts to. Whether it's wearing a sleeveless top when you have some fat arms, wearing see through plastic pants to the grocery store or whatever.

This being what it is, I say be visible. Walk around like you own it because you do.

If you have to pretend at first that's okay it gets easier.

If you have bad days that's okay too.

Just remember as the gif says:

Illustration of a young fat man whistling


You will probably get some fluff from me tomorrow. So until then my darlings, you be fancy. I'm going to be fancy and we'll all be fancy together.

Homo Out.

OH Ps..I am trying to make my blog more accessible. For the visually impaired there is an option to listen to an audio version of my blog posts. I'm also trying to remember to tag images. If the alt tags are broken someone let me know. I will probably try to work out some alternative color schemes for users as well.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

One of those days.

It's not so much that I haven't been sleeping well, because let's face it I rarely sleep well.

It wasn't even something like being physically uncomfortable or being really bloated today (which oh my darlings I am, my reproductive system is about to flex her might as Queen Bitch of the Universe) no it was a dress.

A fucking dress.

To be specific it was this dress.

Normally Modcloth and I do not speak to each other. It is so damn hard to find anything that even goes to an XXL that it's just not worth my while. That dress however spoke to me, I saw it on a blog and it whispered, ever so sweetly. Look how cute I am, look how cute I would be with some ankle boots and stripey tights, or with your new black cardigan.

The thing that fucked up my body image for a second was a matter of about 1.5". Yes an inch and a fucking half of waist means that even if I was going to buy it right now it wouldn't fit.

This is one of those things. It starts that other awful train of thought, things would be so much better, so much easier if I just lost a few pounds. On my frame, a 10-15 pound weightloss would probably mean I could just fit in that size Large. Then the entire world of Dark Darkity Dark Dark fashion would be ready for me.

That lasted for awhile today I'm not even going to lie.

What followed was this. I thought about it then I thought I shouldn't say anything because nobody would read my blog. I thought you all would be mad at me and disappointed because LOOK I'm a blogger, I say things-

You see where I'm going there.

Then after I saw a post on tumblr about this same feeling I had some water and reminded myself that we all go through it.

We all have shitty days. We all have days when we feel like we are the grossest gross gross heap of flesh ever. That my friends cuts across every line. Fat people, thin people, inbetween people, average people, paragons of health and fitness (yes I'm being cheeky ther, we all know I can't be all srs bizness all the time), that hot person you saw walking down the street- everyone.

This is a huge part of why I believe that FA and talking about body politics is so fucking important. The more of us that say to each other, hey you feel like that today but you don't have to feel like that forever.

You don't have to live in that.

Differences of opinion, terminology and ass size aside take a second to really think about how powerful it is when someone outside of your brain says that to you and means it. If you've heard it, think about how powerful it was when you really heard it for the first time and then thought hey maybe I don't have to feel like this forever.

So from me to you, from me who today felt like such a shitty activist and human being- it's okay.

It's okay.

We don't have to feel like this forever.

We can have bad days, weeks, months and years.

The important thing is that if you hold on and you go through the bad shit because there is Bad. Shit. for all of us, you work and sometimes yes fight tooth and fucking nail you too can come out of it and feel good.

More than that, we deserve to feel good.

We deserve to regardless of what anyone else says or thinks, feel good about ourselves in whatever capacity we can because we are important. We are important and deserving.

You are.

You are important, you deserve to feel the freedom of yes as I said in my previous entry, give not one fuck what anyone else thinks. You deserve to feel fancy. You deserve to move about this world with your head held high.

I feel better now. I had my moment and was upset and now I'm good.

I'm super fucking exhausted, have just had a eleventyth second wind and I should go lay down before my head explodes.

Before I retire, how are you my homies? Remember if the holidays are freaking you out, it will be over soon enough and you will be able to return to your fabulous life.

Last thing consider this a personal favor to yours truly, tell yourself something nice. Anything. Remind yourself how smart you are, how you like the way your fingers move, how loving you are, how kind you are, how big your heart is, how you have the most awesome laugh in the universe, how secretly your superpower is giving the best hugs ever. Anything. Do it for me if you aren't ready to do it for yourself.

Homo Out.
PS..by the time some of you are seeing this you may have noticed I (will) have a guest post up at The Rotund. I cannot tell you how much I lurve me some Marianne and how fancy doing it made me feel.

Monday, December 13, 2010

I am Dangerous.

First thing my darlings, go here (Mollena's blog/post there is totes NSFW, she talks about kink and stuff so take heed before reading). No go read and admire her awesome ass. I'll wait.

So what her entry brought to my mind aside from HOT DAYUM LOOKIT! Was this.

I want to talk bout subversion again and sex.

Oh my.

So in case you want to skip my thinky thoughts, basically I believe with my whole heart that getting to a place where you square you shoulders and say, Yes I'm Sexy mother fuckers, is in and of itself a hugely subversive thing when you are outside of the narrow margins of mainstream beauty ideals.

To go further than that if you take that stance (even yes if it's just a momentary thing, you own that moment) and it is without qualifiers or is outside of depending on how attractive you think you seem to other people I think that takes it up a notch.

That is a powerful weapon to wield my friends.

And I say I am Dangerous because, it is absolutely threatening to deny anyone their perceived right to decide how I see myself.

Ever notice how if you completely dismiss and not engage with someone who says something douchy about you not being their taste or they think you're cute but not sexy, how upset they get?

People get angry which means you are probably doin something right.

I very often have an I Don't Give a FUCK attitude about attractiveness.

The only people who's tastes I hang some hopes on are (and have historically been) are people whom I'm trying to get down with.

Yes. If I am trying to get into some pants that are not my own, I want them to find me attractive.

The fact that I am often up front about not giving a fuck has led me to the conclusion that my fucks that are given are very important and highly powerful because people get really pissed off when denied them.

So yes I am Dangerous.

I am dangerous to people who believe that their gaze, that their level of arousal at any one point or their lack of it would or might influence how I feel about myself.

try it.

The next time you get a back handed compliment or you declare your hotness and someone wants to disagree tell them you do not give a fuck. You don't have to be angry, you don't have to expend your energy engaging in that bullshit.

If you are not as snarky as I am there are always other things you can say. Someone says, OMG YOU UGLY BITCH. Smile and tell them just how relieved you are that they find you ugly because you really want nothing to do with what's in their pants.

When it comes to meat space interaction my favorite and frequent reaction to random comments on just how unfuckable I might be, is the single raised eyebrow.

It is amazing what people will ascribe to that eyebrow. Great personal insult, the occasional bit of butt hurt.

It's all awfully amusing in my head.

I can see no valid reason that my indifference to someone thinking I'm gross ugly and unfuckable is really something to get angry about.

Once upon a time I had a very dedicated troll who would send me lengthy un-spellchecked screeds about how everything about me was so awful and ugly. I took the first few kind of personally, but then I realized that this person like the guy that walked up to me on the street and called me an "ugly darkie pig" (trufax that happened, right outside of Westlake Mall)- neither of these people made any bit of difference in my actual living.

It also reminds me of my puzzlement back in the day when there was a lengthy discussion about "critiques" in Fatshionista. I really could not understand why so many people got upset that they couldn't give their opinion (as in negative, I hate your shoes for instance) on a post.


I really wanted to ask people what their issue was? Why be upset that someone is going to wear what they are going to wear even if you hate it? Is it really that important to think that you hold sway over another human being SO much, that you are SO important people MUST LISTEN TO YOU?


I forget now what my actual point was going to be. I started this on Friday and forgot about it until just now.

OH no wait I remember.

So for those people who are desperate to have EVERYONE they find unattractive or unfashionable or unfuckable that they are in your esteemed opinion any of these things, slow your roll. Whatever issue you are trying to work out with that, do it on your own time the rest of us are too busy being attractive, fashionable and fuckable to other people and most importantly to ourselves.

Frankly, if you are following someone about either on the internets or in meat space, crowing about their flaws it just makes you look like you are what? Hating.

So stop. Go find something else to do.

To those being hated on, called names, deemed to be the awful masses relax. You're fine.

You my darling go on with your bad self. Dress how you please, look and feel however you want to because in the grand scheme of life, those people who make fun of you, or who mutter that you're weird or ugly as you go by mean nothing.

Now internets if you hung in for all that wow you're awesome.

In other awesome news I am right this instant working on a super guest post for someone I am very awfully fond of. I am also pleased to announce that poetry written by me will be in a magazine after the New Year.

And my two donaters your Holiday generosity has gone to a very good cause, half to a local Goodwill and half to wait for it, feed my yarn addiction.

I will leave you with my favorite macro OF ALL TIME. And this is something I actually say in meat space a.)whenever I see a shark or b.) just when people are annoying me.

Homo Out


Thursday, December 09, 2010


So more than a few of you have sent me very sweet notes that I should post my wishlists and whatnot.

First thing again, I have the best readers on the internets. Y'all are so nice to me it just floors and honors me.

So um....okay.

The best thing ever to get me for anything is to donate via my paypal there. Mainly because I'm kind of over retail and really just want to do some super hunting on the etsy and ebay.

Okay so that's done.

Honestly though y'all please do not feel obligated or weird or anything.

I started this yesterday and yeah there it is. I still feel SO weird about posting it but I was told to so here it is.

Moving it along.

The end of the year is always a weird time for me. I'm honestly not super into holidays generally speaking so holiday stuff can grate on my nerves. More though, I tend to go into hyperdrive I MUST DO ALL THE THINGS mode.

I tend to be doing things and while I'm busy doing in my brain I am getting all introspective.

First thing.

I would like to figure out how to integrate my writing site (here, feel free to visit)with my blogging in a more um....well just do it.

I also have been letting my arty ideas percolate more. And my ideas for making wearables and whatnot.

And I've been thinking about talking more about things I've been reluctant to discuss because I don't have extensive knowledge to go with my posts.

But you know what fuck it.

I will talk about that hings that move me even if I'm not all full up of the learnings you know what I mean?

So more intersectionality, mixed in with things I love.

I'm also trying to earn some extra monies to buy and thus review things like fetishy/gothy club wear. Also some sewing. I am determined to really start sewing again. I have finally figured out the logistics of some of the stuff I wanna do it's just a matter of gettin it done y'all and reigning in my DO ALL THE THINGS behavior.

So there we have it.

More later.

Tomorrow talk about photographs, naked fat asses and other assorted awesome.

Homo Out.

PS..how are you? Do you do holidays? Are you doing something else? Do you celebrate Hanukkah or Kwanzaa? Do something else special? Tell me about it.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Queerness, otherness and shut up and listen.

Okay I have had a few thoughts percolating and want to share.

Recently someone forwarded me an invite from some far flung queer corner of the universe a link (which I have long since lost) to the end result of someone's project about Femmeness, presentation etc. There was a slideshow and some commentary and I came away about fifteen minutes later feeling sad.

All too often when I see calls for Femme something or other it is always seemingly strictly lesbian identified, many of the people doing these things are Pretty Thin White Ladies* and I honestly get so sad.

Here is the intersection.

Where are the Femmes of Color? Where are the Fat Femmes? Where are the Femmes who don't identify strictly as being lesbians?

In the last few years I have not quite purposefully but mostly as a self protective measure have withdrawn from a lot of Queer spaces because I just don't have the emotional spoons to deal with the variety of pain that feeling invisible and/or excluded (and often not excluded on purpose) brings me.

It has taken me a lot of years to be comfortable in expressing that feeling that has been there since I was a baby Queer.

And the thing that has made expressing this view more difficult has been being involved with and talking to activists who's frequent immediate response is, well fix it and participate.

The thing is, it's really easy to say that.

No matter how excited about a project or idea I might be, I personally am not always comfortable being the trail blazer. When you are already someone who is well represented even at a basic level, there is not as much of a challenge.

If you are participating in say a project that shows visuals of Femme Queers, and the people around you are pretty much kinda like you, no one is going to be singling you out to possibly say stupid things. You don't have to worry about trying to represent, you don't have to be the person sticking out in say a photo.

It's easy to say that this type of thing is easy to blow off. It's the "positive" activist thing to say and put on a brave face and say, FUCK YEAH WATCH ME GO.

What's not awesome is when you want so hard to be the trail blazer and the happy person sticking out but you don't want to at the same time.

The thing is that it's draining. Especially when you don't have people who can identify or who really shut up and listen if this is something you're going through. It's hard because there aren't a lot of ways to really articulate this type of sadness and exhaustion.

So there's that. Then for me there's the prospect of being silenced via the type of things like, people saying "well it's not my fault" or "I'm trying" etc.

This is one of those moments where if you do consider yourself an ally, you have got to shut up and listen.

I know people can be resistant to that so let me put it this way.

Remember in elementary school when we were all learning how to participate in a discussion? Remember how the teachers always said that sometimes you had to be quiet and let other people have their turn?

That is what shut up and listen is about.

It's not about silencing. It's about making a commitment to not just listening but hearing what other people have to say.

As a person who has had to rely on allies for a lot in my life because I have often been the only fat person, the only person of color, I have often had no one close to me who could in fact completely relate to what I was feeling and trying to just get that out while someone is tripping over themselves to show me how much they care by talking and talking and talking is just frustrating.

The thing is that for anyone who is marginalized, especially when one is an "other" among "others" often what's needed isn't commiseration, or prompts to action.

So for my fellow others amongst the others. I know sometimes it's hard and it hurts. Sometimes you don't want to be nice about these things, you don't want to be polite you don't give a fuck and just want to take your toys and go home. I won't tell you not to.

Matter of fact it's important to remember that it's not good for you to fight for everyone but yourself. Sometimes you have to take your shit and go home because it's the best thing for you. If you can't hang it's okay. Go home, talk to someone who really gets it. Take care of you.

For allies, if this person if the fat person or the non lesbian identified femme or the person of color says, hey I gotta go. Please let them go. If you don't want to shut up and listen or think that it isn't necessary, then leave that person alone. Also remember that this person doesn't owe you a reason or if they disengage it's not because they don't care about the cause.

So that's the thinky thoughts of the day brought to you and sponsored by me being a tired Black Lady.

Now pardon me while I do stuff and whatnot. Because that's how I roll.

Homo Out.

DAMN IT, I had on the cutest outfit yesterday and completely forgot to take a picture. This is why I could not be a regular outfit/Fatshion blogger.


So tomorrow sexy talk. And possibly some quickie reviews.

Now really, homo out.

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