Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Holy shit she blew a fat man.

Okay y'all. I'm telling you now that I"m talking about sex workers, fat, and whatnot. I will also say that if you're running low on sanity points maybe don't read this whole article. Also not a one of these links today are going to be work safe.
Take a breath.


So we all know (or if you're new) I love Always Aroused Girl. She posted a link to an article in the Sexis Magazine written by The Beautiful Kind.

For reference the article is about (I'm assuming, I haven't read all of them) her time being a sex worker. So we are all on the same page let's get a few things in a row before I get into what she said and how I feel about it.

I am pro sex worker. I believe that sex work can be as fulfilling a job as any other. I feel that sex workers need protection, respect and support. I feel that sex work of all flavors (when it involves adults of course) needs to be decriminalized. I an pro sex worker unions, I am pro sex workers being trusted to make their own decisions as to the kind of sex work they do from phone sex to escorting and everything in between. So this is not about shaming a sex worker.

At the end here I'll drop some links to sex workers whom I admire very much. So this is not about me having issues with TBK being a sex worker. If y'all would like I'll do a whole other bunch of posts about sex work in and of itself.

I have issues with the way she spoke about the fat man.

Let's get started.

I was reading the article and being that I have done sex work myself and have made it a point to read what other sex workers have had (and do have) to say I wanted to see what she had to say. I was stopped at this bit:

This guy looked like he had eaten the obese man. He weighed at least 500 pounds, and wore a big orthopedic boot. I was horrified, but I didn’t let it show.

Okay here's the thing TBK, and just because it's how my brain works I will address this to her specifically though I a.) don't expect she'll see it and b.) I don't know her it's just how my brain works. This very fat man wearing an orthopedic boot (ableist much..I'll get to that) was probably very well aware that you were horrified.

The fact is that man had probably experienced that second of horrified look for as long as he had been fat. I would also venture to say that, that was probably what led him to seeking your services to begin with. In a perfect world those who desire sexual partners of whatever kind would be able to find them but that is not the world as it is.

For that moment you absolutely represented all of the worst things about being a fat person.

I'm not even quoting anymore from this. Apparently from what the editor posted because some of the commentors took issue with this as well these experiences were from years ago.

(Editor's Note, after the fact: If you're new to the Whore Journals, you should probably know that the events described occurred some years ago. This installment of the series is the next-to-last. We at SexIs are sensitive to the issues raised in the comments to this particular piece, as is the writer, who will be providing an epilogue to this long-running series that we expect will address some of the questions raised by readers. We appreciate and encourage the free flow of thoughts and ideas. Thanks for being here.)

Here's the thing.

Many of the sex workers I know have come to loathe their clientele or at least put them into a subhuman category as a self defense mechanism. So I get that but in the article her language was just cruel.

I hope that TBK who on all of her sites talks a lot about sex positive and all of that and using language like "disgusting" and lingering on some visible physical issues the way she did strikes me as absolutely sex negative or the kind of bullshit sex positive attitudes I have run into on occasion.

Yes maybe you were in fact grossed out by his body but I'm more grossed out by your attitude. I sincerely hope that this man doesn't run across this because it's hurtful. Honestly as someone who's just recently read some of her work and blog I'm feeling grossed out.

I have a hard time reconciling the language she used to talk about this man. Was it really necessary to go into such lovingly dehumanizing language and detail?

We know I'm an author. I know that someones we want to use language to be evocative but, at the same time I do believe that she could have conveyed how she was feeling about that particular customer without frankly being an asshole.

I have thought about it and I do hope that in her last post or whatever they are doing she talks about that but I don't really even want to know. I'm not reading any more of that because it's gross and I don't like it.

I've thought about it from a personal view, from an author view and from an activist view and regardless of the fact that this was presented in diary entry format, as an author if I had thought those things and don't think those things at present I would have made that clear.

And if she does still feel that way, well shit then she's not someone I would want to support.

I began studying and reading about sex positive culture when I was 18 years old. When I was young I was almost always the only Black person, the only fat girl and I think there were probably people who thought I was gross. I have experienced people fat bashing then turning to look at me and say, "oh but not you." I have experienced that look, that second of horror that people think they can hide but you know what you can't.

And having experienced that as a sex worker, as someone in the dating pool, as back in the day a single swinging girl, I cannot in good conscious support her or her work in any way.

Once upon a time I might have signed up to be a member at Sexis and ranted my wee heart out. As I get older I'm less inclined to engage with people I get a bad impression from. At this point I would rather pour my energy into love.

I'm not saying that people can't have different ideas or ideas that are contrary to mine. What I'm saying here is that when I come across these kinds of attitudes, or bloggers who use language I think is gross and hurtful I just quietly withdraw my support.

To sum up: TBK, that was foul. Sexis Magazine, you may have wanted to say something about the piece before you put it up rather than after people in the community expressed their own hurt. Everyone else, you don't have to support or put up with this kind of thing either. Swearsies.

Now the promised sex worker I admire links.

Jiz Lee. Um..pure awesomeness. No really- seriously.

Courtney Trouble.

Buck Angel.

Kelly Shibari.

Tasty Trixie and her partner Delia. Both of whom I find terribly hawt.

That's all you get for now. But yes. The above four people turn my crank. Get my engine running and give me a special tingle in my brains and private areas.

And let me say lastly that honestly if you are someone who is just not comfortable calling people out or leaving comments when you read things that upset you, I urge you to try my current strategy. Quietly withdraw your support and don't be shy about telling people you are not supporting X because of X reason. You don't have to make a stink or be loud to make a difference.

Now I love you my homies and haters.

I will post about the most awesome Holiday season I've had in awhile. And I'll leave you with my very first ever video. Taken on Whidby Island, with my little camera that could.

Homo Out.

PS..I decided to try out having some affiliate links to ethical porn I like. I will probably put those on a separate page so people who don't want to see it don't have to. I'll put up a link when I can.


Anonymous said...


TBK should be ashamed of herself for publishing such horrible thoughts.

In a comment she posted to the article, she wrote, "The first step to overcoming shame is to own it."

She should step right up and own THIS shame, rather than tell us she was ashamed of sex with this innocent man.

I am beyond angry to read it. She is now one of the newest "open" faces in the sex blogging world. What a horrific example for her to set.

Catherine Leary said...

I didn't read TBK's post, as I like to keep my blood pressure nice and low. But what you said about the use of language really struck me.

You see, I am a fiction editor. My press publishes erotic fiction, and the number of submissions I've gotten featuring fat characters described with the same kind of language that TBK uses just boggles the mind. It's unbelievable. I was aghast at all of the casual fat hate. I ended up writing a post about it at the press's website and amended the submissions guidelines to reflect that we will not tolerate body hate under any circumstances.

It's good to be the co-founder, oh yes it is.

Anonymous said...

I am a fat former sex worker. It kind of makes me wonder why someone is bothering being an out-and-proud sex worker if they still find certain other peoples' bodies repulsive. They want to work to remove stigma from sex workers and sex work and be all sex-positive, yet stigmatize certain bodies? Cognitive dissonance much?

sarahbear said...

She's an attention whore and nothing more in my eyes. I have always thought there was something that wasn't genuine about her and when she chose to 'come out' by exposing her real identity on National Coming Out day I just... couldn't take her seriously anymore. I've read a few entries previously of The Whore Journals and to me they sound so fake. I wouldn't be surprised if she made most of it up, including this entry because it's so stereotypical.

She really has no shame.

Subscribe To My Podcast