It's not so much that I haven't been sleeping well, because let's face it I rarely sleep well.
It wasn't even something like being physically uncomfortable or being really bloated today (which oh my darlings I am, my reproductive system is about to flex her might as Queen Bitch of the Universe) no it was a dress.
A fucking dress.
To be specific it was this dress.
Normally Modcloth and I do not speak to each other. It is so damn hard to find anything that even goes to an XXL that it's just not worth my while. That dress however spoke to me, I saw it on a blog and it whispered, ever so sweetly. Look how cute I am, look how cute I would be with some ankle boots and stripey tights, or with your new black cardigan.
The thing that fucked up my body image for a second was a matter of about 1.5". Yes an inch and a fucking half of waist means that even if I was going to buy it right now it wouldn't fit.
This is one of those things. It starts that other awful train of thought, things would be so much better, so much easier if I just lost a few pounds. On my frame, a 10-15 pound weightloss would probably mean I could just fit in that size Large. Then the entire world of Dark Darkity Dark Dark fashion would be ready for me.
That lasted for awhile today I'm not even going to lie.
What followed was this. I thought about it then I thought I shouldn't say anything because nobody would read my blog. I thought you all would be mad at me and disappointed because LOOK I'm a blogger, I say things-
You see where I'm going there.
Then after I saw a post on tumblr about this same feeling I had some water and reminded myself that we all go through it.
We all have shitty days. We all have days when we feel like we are the grossest gross gross heap of flesh ever. That my friends cuts across every line. Fat people, thin people, inbetween people, average people, paragons of health and fitness (yes I'm being cheeky ther, we all know I can't be all srs bizness all the time), that hot person you saw walking down the street- everyone.
This is a huge part of why I believe that FA and talking about body politics is so fucking important. The more of us that say to each other, hey you feel like that today but you don't have to feel like that forever.
You don't have to live in that.
Differences of opinion, terminology and ass size aside take a second to really think about how powerful it is when someone outside of your brain says that to you and means it. If you've heard it, think about how powerful it was when you really heard it for the first time and then thought hey maybe I don't have to feel like this forever.
So from me to you, from me who today felt like such a shitty activist and human being- it's okay.
We don't have to feel like this forever.
We can have bad days, weeks, months and years.
The important thing is that if you hold on and you go through the bad shit because there is Bad. Shit. for all of us, you work and sometimes yes fight tooth and fucking nail you too can come out of it and feel good.
More than that, we deserve to feel good.
We deserve to regardless of what anyone else says or thinks, feel good about ourselves in whatever capacity we can because we are important. We are important and deserving.
You are important, you deserve to feel the freedom of yes as I said in my previous entry, give not one fuck what anyone else thinks. You deserve to feel fancy. You deserve to move about this world with your head held high.
I feel better now. I had my moment and was upset and now I'm good.
I'm super fucking exhausted, have just had a eleventyth second wind and I should go lay down before my head explodes.
Before I retire, how are you my homies? Remember if the holidays are freaking you out, it will be over soon enough and you will be able to return to your fabulous life.
Last thing consider this a personal favor to yours truly, tell yourself something nice. Anything. Remind yourself how smart you are, how you like the way your fingers move, how loving you are, how kind you are, how big your heart is, how you have the most awesome laugh in the universe, how secretly your superpower is giving the best hugs ever. Anything. Do it for me if you aren't ready to do it for yourself.
PS..by the time some of you are seeing this you may have noticed I (will) have a guest post up at The Rotund. I cannot tell you how much I lurve me some Marianne and how fancy doing it made me feel.