Tuesday, January 26, 2010

When you stop hating yourself.

I was flipping through a magazine the other day and again was struck by the many promises of every diet pill and weightloss thing out there.

Now the messages are always the same when they are targeted to women.

You get skinny and suddenly the sun comes out, there are men dropping at your feet, your hair is luxurious, everyone wants you. Your whole life becomes an exercise in awesome.

Or not.

They never mention that this pill might give you the shits if you eat the wrong thing, or that if you do this diet and workout plan you might hurt yourself.

But what I tend to be more concerned with is the idea that you, that who you are fundamentally deep down in your guts is going to miraculously change when you lose weight.

I have said it before and will say it again.

If you are a 350 pound asshole you will probably be a 200 pound asshole.

So many of these weightloss and dieting schemes don't take into account the damage done when you've lived with shame and self hatred for a long long time.

I had a friend when I was a youngster who went on this insane diet and lost a shitload of weight.

Did she look great in her "after" phase?

Yes she did.

Supposedly she felt great but at some point when the eye candy started to wear thin and the thrill of pulling on size 7 jeans started to become normal she fell right back into self loathing.

And she got a whole new flavor of self hatred, failure.

Everytime her weight fluctuated she felt like she was the biggest piece of shit ever.

If she got bloated she would punish herself.

If her jeans were a little tight one day she'd punish and really rip herself a new one about it.

How is that good?

She is not unique in that experience. I have had friends who had bariatric surgery, friends with eating disorders, friends who did Jenny Craig, friends who've done it all (and a few I've done myself) and after the transitory triumph of suddenly being a whole new you, you realize that you're not really a whole new you.

You're the same you with your insecurities and neurosis in your size 7 jeans that you were when you were wearing your size 18 jeans.

This is why I personally advocate learning to love yourself first.

Learn to love yourself enough to want to take good care of the body you're trucking around the universe in.

Maybe you'll stay fat maybe you won't.

It speaks more of wellness to me when a person treats their body with love and care than it does when someone can wear a smaller size of pants.

When I finally learned to start working hard on loving myself and my body I realized that how big my ass is or isn't, isn't the point.

I had to learn what it means to me to be well.

And I had to learn that what wellness looks like for me is something way different than what it looks like for someone else and that's okay.

We have got to learn that what works for one won't be awesome for another.

We have got to learn that there is no one perfect image of health and wellness.

So before you go spending your money on diet aids and pills and things that promise you a whole new life take a step back and get happy.

So I'm a little drugged up on antihistemines so I just blew my load there so to speak.

New essays this week and my banner.

I'm also almost done with my new and improved links page.

And um...well shit do a little booty dance because it's Tuesday and asses need to be shook.

Homo Out.
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Friday, January 22, 2010

Trust me.

Today is _blank:>Blog for Choice day and this years theme speaks to me.

First off I am Pro Choice.

This does not mean I'm anti family, anti life, am enamored of abortion or anything.

It means (there are so few things in life I can say this about) that I am for people having the option to choose for themselves.

This year's question is, What does Trust Women mean to you?

Trust Women-

I don't believe that abortion is a matter of trust and I don't believe it's a matter of state. I believe it's a matter of personal choice.

Of personal morality.

It's personal.

While I have never (thankfully) been in a position where I had to decide whether or not to have an abortion I can tell you that is not a decision I want made by people I don't know.

It's not a decision I would want made by a church or the legislature.

It's not a decision I would want to have to negotiate with strangers.

That's it.

I honestly at this point don't have anymore hugely researched arguments.

I plain do not want deicisions of this kind of magnitude to be made for me by people I don't know.

So trust women, trust me.

Trust that I am a contributing member of society with a brain I put to good use.

Trust that I know what my set of morals calls for.

Trust that I don't need to be safeguarded from myself and my decisions by strangers.

What I do want to be protected from is harassment when I take care of myself.

I do want to make sure that if I or someone I know does decide to get an abortion that it can be done in a safe manner.

I do want the right to make decisions about my reproductive health in safety and privacy.

Trust me.

Trust women.

Click here to read more entries or to head over to NARAL to read more.



Homo Out.
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Thursday, January 21, 2010

Wait what was that?

So not long ago I spoke with a potential doctors office, not to the doc herself but to her nurse practitioner and she gave me some "advice" to use in the interim between when we spoke and when the doc might be accepting new patients.

Now just so we are all on the same page here the office does have my medical records. Included in those medical records are the results of a ridiculous amount of tests I had to take with my last doctor who could not believe that the fatass isn't diabetic or about to keep over from high blood pressure.

She had scientific medical evidence that I am not about to die of the fat, that my current medical issues are ones I have had since I was a child and whatnot. That is where I am coming from here.

I digress for a minute but if the American health care system is so goddamn good and doesn't need any fixing how is it that an insured working person has such a hard time finding adequate fucking care?

Moving along.

I had made a list of concerns I have right now. The big one being my level of fatigue and insomnia. Both are things I have struggled with pretty much my whole life.

It has never made a huge difference what I was eating, how much I have or have not been exercising. I had just as bad insomnia when I weighed about 110 as I do now that I weigh I think around 175 or so. Being that this is something that I have dealt with for decades at this point (medically documented years at that) I have a (perhaps unusually) firm grasp on my history and what has and hasn't mad a difference.

The NP I was speaking to immediately without asking any questions told me that I must not be able to sleep because I'm too heavy.

She then went on to recommend an exercise schedule that if I adhered to it I would in all likelyhood a.)injure myself due to my existing knee and back problems and b.) I would either have to eat way more than I do normally in order to maintain normal blood sugar levels or I would have to allow my body to go into starvation mode.

I pointed both of these things out which she brushed off in a manner that apparently was supposed to infer that I am just lazy. I told her to look at my chart and that part of the discussion was dropped.

She then offered to get me prescription weightloss drugs to make my "journey to health" easier.

Normally I'm a calm patient but I admittedly lost my shit a little bit.

Now with my particular history she wanted me to take something that could possibly-


* Increased heart rate
* Increased blood pressure
* Sweating
* Constipation
* Insomnia (inability to sleep or stay asleep)
* Excessive thirst
* Lightheadedness
* Drowsiness
* Stuffy nose
* Headache
* Anxiety
* Dry mouth


Possible side effects from Webmd.

Um..what the bloody FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT YOU STUPID ASSHOLE..is what I thought. Not what I said.

I was familiar with all of those symptoms so I asked if it's really a good idea to give a chronic insomniac who already has bowel problems and a history of addiction to speedy drugs, diet pills?

I said it all very slowly, dead pan almost and there was yet another long silence and I finally said thanks for your time and hung up.

Being that this is not the first time I've had this type of conversation with a doctor I'm at a point where I need to make a choice for the sake of my health.

Aside from yearly ladyparts visits do I really want to waste more of my time and quite honestly my sanity trying to find a doctor who isn't a total asshole or who doesn't seem to understand that I am a Fat Black HUMAN BEING who needs care not lectures or do I do some major self care.

I believe I'm on the way to the latter.

The fact is that while yes I understand that zomgobesity!! can cause people problems, my fat is not causing me problems.

I am not unwell because I am fat.

I am not unwell because I am ignorant.

I am unwell because well fuck I'm unwell. I am unwell because my body does some stuff that is not normal or good for me.

And I don't want to be treated for issues I don't have.

I don't want to have drugs I can't afford and don't want to take pushed on me.

I want good care that I don't have to fight tooth and nail for.

I want to be able to trust a health care professional with my FUCKING LIFE and not feel that I'm being deceived or dismissed.

So my point here is that a.) this is NOT OKAY. and b.) I am going to take more charge of my own wellness.

Fuck em.

To that end, I am going to start keeping a sleep or no sleep journal. If I make it public I'll post a link.

Basically what I'm going to do are take some of the things that have helped me out in the past and tweak them until I can get at least 5 hours of solid sleep and then go from there.

I am also going to (groan..boo..hiss) reintroduce yoga into my life. Gently so I don't get pissed off.

I will keep you folks updated on my situation here.

Now if you'll excuse me I need water and something to eat.

Homo Out.
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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

A few things.

Okay a few business-y things.

I found out my posts were being stolen. I'm not going to give a link but I caught the person (it wasn't a bot shockingly) and things have been rectified.

Here's the thing.

If you want to reproduce my content most likely all you have to do is ask. I may want to charge you if you're charging but if not, probably all I'll want is a backlink and credit for my words.

I really hate dealing with that kind of bullshit and it's not the first time but it's time consuming and pisses me off.

Second thing I'm not talking about or reading more about Haiti. for my own personal mental health I gave what I could and will give again when I can but I cannot take in anymore about it.

Third thing.

Given how major my insomnia has been for the past month or so I'm going to be trying some non drug remedies and I'd like to share with you guys.

This may or may not include new and different exercise, changes in diet.

The fact is medical science is not really doing jack shit for me.

I've heard the if you lose some weight bullshit. Which given my long history with this particular beast is fucking stupid. And my insomnia has never been markedly better or worse depending on my weight.

So that's bullshit.

I really don't like having to take a lot of drugs because I am terrified of either getting addicted to them or having worse depression. Also on things like Ambien I do not function well for a day or two after so that's a no go.

I'll be revisiting some old things, kava kava, valerian, melatonin etc.

I am going to try doing Tai Chi.

And..wait for it.

I am going to do yoga.

If you've been reading me for awhile you know that I fucking hate yoga.

I really hate doing yoga but, I am open to it if it will help. I might bitch and complain the whole time but I will do it if it helps me get some fuckin sleep.

I have some other stuff and will report as necessary.

Fourth?

There was a #4 but I forgot.

So while I am regrouping be on the look out this week for some fat sex musings.

I've been working up to a post and I'm pretty sure I'm all good to go to fire.

Also, um can we all please hope that Torrid puts the fucking Ashley boots on sale because I want to SO bad but we all know that I hate paying full price from Torrid.

I really do.

Okay I need to go finish up work things.

Also I think I'm going to make an actual graphic for the essay store when I upload another essay. I have two more done but I got shy again and nervous.

I am trying to work it out so I can you know do what I want to but it's hard. And harder yet to be nice to myself when I know I'm feeling kinda wibbly about it.

So open post.

Plug your projects, stuff we should all look at or read. Show us what you're working with this week my darlings.

Homo out.
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Thursday, January 14, 2010

Go get some baby!

Before I get to advice for our homie I have a wee announcement.

My Homie of Hotness (hehe I am calling her this forever now) DangerousLilly is selling some clothes sizes 12-16ish I think. Go check out her Tumblr. And buy some stuff cause the two things I wanted one would be too big and the other I already have one.

Second a few of you have asked and no I have no opinion that I feel like sharing about the current kerfluffle(s?) in the Fatosphere. At least not right now.

Now onto advice for our recently divorced homie.


I'm in my early 40s, and after many years of marriage, for reasons beyond my control but good ones, I'm proceeding with a divorce. We have one child, who is still in preschool, and I'm going to have sole custody (not a lot of time on my own).
The last time I was single was in the early 90s. I "dated" in college -- a couple of long-ish relationships and a few "hook-ups" but I have been monogamous during my marriage.
Now that I'm about to be back on the open market -- aaaaak! What do I do? I don't know the rules -- I don't know when to get tested and what for, or even what gender I'm interested in being with! When I think about being with a guy, it's sort of meh, but I'm finding the thought of being with a woman waaaaaay more interesting and exciting. I have always been a big girl, and I want to be with someone who gets a big smile on her or his face when she or he sees me naked. I've never been with a woman sexually before but I don't want to be a pesky annoying straight woman "experimenting" -- I honestly don't know who I want to be with at this point. I'm not necessarily looking for a long-term relationship, but sex and intimacy would be nice. Also, this doesn't have to happen immediately, since I can barely find the time to breathe as it is. I'm just now starting to think I could open my heart again and my libido is certainly raring to go. I have a feeling you are going to say "go slow." Your advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm ready to hear it.


Okay my darling.

First of all Happy Get SOME baby!

First rule of fight club...no wait sorry.

First of all you are to get thee to the doctor for a check up. Ask for an STI screening and make sure you get screened for the works. EVERYTHING.

I want you to do this not only for the health and well being of your future partners but because you are a Mama and because you love yourself.

Second remember when it comes to who you do or don't want to sleep with your rules cause it's your party. You can do it on the first date, you can do it and decide you don't really want to date but want a booty call, as long as you are honest with your partner(s) it's all good.

Now if you are curious about being with a woman be honest. Let's say you set yourself up a profile on OKCupid or something. There is nothing wrong with saying something like:

"I think I am bi/queer/etc-curious and I would really like to meet a woman who has (insert stuff you like here) and who is compassionate and gentle."

Since you don't have time I suggest maybe finding some folks to correspond with. That way you can take your time and get back into flirting and talking to people you think are sexy.

Have a friend take a nice picture of you in your favorite outfit. Put that with your profile if you choose to have one and BAM there does not have to be any discussion about your body and you'll be talking to folks who look at you and think HOT DAYUM!

Alternately describe yourself the way you'd want someone else to describe you. Use the kind of self(you) loving language you would want some hot booty having partner to whisper in your ear.

Now since you're going to be going into this slowly let's talk about some YOU stuff.

Before you start doing it or dating anyone I want you to make damn sure you love yourself really well.

I want you to get to know yourself outside of your marriage which I personally think is important. I think when we get out of a relationship sometimes we can hang on to who we were before that even though we have changed.

So when your wee one is in bed or busy doing weird little kid things like intently studying a booger think about what kinds of things you want.

Take some good care of yourself. In a nutshell I am recommending dating yourself.

Once in awhile get a sitter and do something that makes you happy. You don't even have to go anywhere. Paint your nails, do your hair, do your eyebrows. Lay about and read a book take a nap you get the picture.

I'm saying woo yourself.

Take some time and treat yourself like you want to be treated by other people.

My biggest piece of advice is to not compromise yourself. You don't have to bend your wants or desires to what anyone else might say or expect. If someone makes you uncomfortable they can fuck off. If someone wants something you don't want to give they can fuck off.

This is your universe and until you decide who you want to share it with that means you get to make the rules and be Empress of your world.

I also recommend lots of masturbation, lots of looking at yourself like you are Mother Fucking Christmas because baby, you are.

Now homies, do you have advice?

Want to cheer our friend on?

Do it.

NOW NOW NOW.

Okay sorry I'm feeling a little bossy today.

I love you guys.

Homo Out.
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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A few fatty fashions, musings reviews and fotos.

Now that I have found my camera cord and remembered to make Uniballer take some outfit pics I have some reviews and/or tips.

Before that a few businessy details.

I may or may not be on the fat feeds I have no idea.

Also a few people have asked and I don't post in the LJ fatshionista community and I tend to not post in the Flickr pool though I do love both.

I don't post in the LJ community because I don't think I'd meet the current size requirements. Prior to that I didn't really post because a.) I really hate people telling me to wear more color and b.) there were enough people who are not comfortable with the participation of smaller fat folks I decided a long time ago not to post pics.

As for that last bit no it was not something stated by mods nor was it anything official but an impression I got from both comments in the community and in personal journals. There you have it.

I still participate and comment etc when appropriate and I still LOVE sales post day. LOVE IT.

Other business before you say it yes the floor in my hallway is dirty and there is random crap there. In the fall/winter we cannot keep it clean. Grey carpet+linoleum right next to the front door+people who walk everywhere and live where there are not always actual sidewalks=grungy ass floors. So you don't have to point it out, yes I know and when the weather clears up a little bit we'll steam clean and it'll be all good. Also that towel is really old and keeps the draft out and thus our electric bill lower.

Uh..okay I think that's all the businessy stuff.

Now it's Fatshion time!

Not too long ago a ladyfriend asked me what I would call how I dress.

Um............essentially I wear whatever I think is cute.

I do have a huge and serious love for skirts and I'm slowly getting back on the pants train. I prefer awesome black trousers to any other sort of pants. My favorite fit is a slight bootcut and dark darkity dark dark pants.

So onto some photos.

outfit110

This is probably one of my favorite "new" outfits.

Nothing except my boots and glasses cost me more than 20$ in fact most of it cost less than 10.

Torrid cardigan (super old size 1)
Old Navy XXL V neck tee
Skirt-ebay score size 1X Probably could go bigger it’s stretchy. No brand name.
My favorite black ribbed tights that are too fucking long and bag at the knees.
Beloved Burgundy docs. Laced w/help from my partner Uniballer because they did not fit when I got them.
Black headwrap.
Dirty linoleum thanks to damp weather and a filthy parking lot.
See hand prints on the door been there since we moved in.
Also guest starring Uniballers cane hanging on the door.


I have to tells you internets. I resisted Old Navy for a really long time but thrifted some ON tees at Fatshionista last summer just to see if I like them and ZOMFG love at first try on.

Now the winter cuts of Old Navy tees seem to be roomier so I really think that the XXL could fit someone up to a 20-22 depending on how you're built. I think they would be a good bet for those who are smaller busted with bigger bellies. They are very soft and stretchy and I have full faith that they can stretch to accomodate a wide variety of shapes and sizes depending on how you want the fit. For me they could fit a bit tighter, if I buy more before Spring I will get L's. The vee necks if you are busty are gonna show some cleavage. And if you are under 5'4" like I am the shirts are going to be fairly long.

You'll notice I'm a little rumpled. My outfit pics are usually at the end of the day and I have an hour long bus ride so I get rumpled.

This outfit made me feel quite sassy for some reason. I have a distinct and probably appalling love for flouncy skirts and boots. I have since I was a teenager. Now what you can't see is that the waistband of that skirt is pulled up to right under my bra. True fax I wear 99% of my skirts that way because I like a skirt at or just above the knee and I'm short torso'd.

A note on wearing tall Docs for those of us with bigger calves. When you get your docs find a friend or partner and unlace them fully. Pull up the zipper and have your friend relace them. Fitting laced boots to big calves is way easier when you use teamwork. Also since you're not bent over trying to do it you can get a proper fit and have it tied so you don't have to futz with it more.

Note I still don't wear a lot of accessories because frankly I forget. I have my beloved HP Lovecraft necklace MCCN gave me and it looks so cute with Vneck things I just forget to put it on.

Next outfit was from um....last Thursday?

ONdressoutfit

This was an experiment. This is this dress from Old Navy and my trusty old Torrid sweater duster.

Now this dress is super roomy. I seriously think that this is another one that could possibly fit someone up to a 20-22 or so and maybe bigger depending on how you're built. I was going to sell this dress because on it's own it's kind of weird. It's a soft tee shirty material but the fit is kind of not what it looks like in the photo. I really recommend this if you are more apple shaped. Lots of belly room.

So I decided to try it with the long jacket and liked it a lot. Then I had a stroke of inspiration to give the We Love Colors plus size striped tights another run.

stripedhams

BAM. Striped hams.

So I handwashed these tights in really hot water and wore them inside out. That solved my issue with the U shaped ass seam but they were still way too long. But when worn with boots there isn't such an issue with wrinkly ankles.

Now if you've been playing along at home you'll notice I really like comfortable clothes. My clothes have to be functional. I have to be able to comfortably walk the few miles I do daily. I have to be able to sit at my desk without discomfort.

There is an older lady (who seriously has the most beautiful bright white hair and this boyish bangs over the forehead hair I have ever seen) I see fairly frequently downtown while I'm on my way to work and she's at lunch. She stopped me when I was wearing the first outfit and told me:

"You manage to be cute and look so elegant. I love how you dress."

That made me giggle so hard.

Now going forward (I'm talking to you my fat Gothy homies) I'm going to say that my go to for tops are Target and Old Navy. I want my plain black and occasionally jewel tone/grey shirts without bullshit and both shops have an abundance (in both straight and plus sizes) of fairly inexpensive shirts.

I learned this winter that is fucking impossible to find a coat that I like that isn't wool. I really am not into anorak or puffer jackets. I wanted a black kinda elegant warm coat. Holy fucking BALLS is that hard to find in something that isn't wool and preferably has a hood.

My trusty red ugly coat is still wearable and warm but holy wow.

For spring I will probably be wearing my elderly but beloved black fleece peacoat. I got that from a store called Girlfriends LA forever ago (seriously more than 7 years) and I have yet to find another one that I love as much as it.

AND my solution to my boots problem.

I am getting these Dr. Martens Women's 1B60 Boot. which you'll notice are the same as my Burgundy ones but in Black.

They are a lot pricier than I wanted originally but I know that I can lace docs to fit properly, I know they will last me a hundred years and I love Docs.

This is where I say that as cheap as I am, I will absolutely invest in a good pair of boots because I love them so much.

I have to buy some new bras so my little savings fund for boots will take a hit because I also save for good bras.

Now this is where I turn to you my homies.

Boob having homies have you bought bras from Fashion Bug? I was in the store not too long ago and they had some super cute bras but I'm hesitant in case they aren't built super well.

Also what are your favorite bra features?

I have to confess that I have a terrible fondness for bras with doodads between the boobs. Little hanging charms, or other shiny bits.

Okay that's enough fatty fashion for today.

Tomorrow advice for our divorcee homie AND bonus sex talk.

Win.

Homo Out.
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Fat Lady Ruminations.

I'm still kinda drugged up (Theraflu FTW) so this may get very random.

So Uniballer and I had a very Old Navy Christmas which I may or may not have mentioned I don't recall.

I have to say their fat dude clothes are actually pretty nice. He picked up a pair of their cargo pants and they are really nice. Soft and they look good on him. Excellent stuff.

Also weirdly it seems like their winter tees are cut far roomier than the summer ones. Judging by how the XXL plain tees fit me I'm guessing that they could probably fit up to a 20-22 ish depending on how your built. I bet they'd be good for smaller boobed and bigger bellied boob having bods. especially the crew neck.

Now the other thing I've been ruminating on all day involves a conversation I had with someone about my views of FA and how activism in general fits in with my meatworld life.

Some days I have all the energy to educate and raise hell.

Other days it's all I have the energy for is to walk around in my fat black body with my head up.

Some days it feels like activism when I tell another fat person where to buy some awesome clothes.

Some days just telling someone that no I don't diet and don't see it as a good option for me physically or psychologically is what I do.

Here we come to one of my beefs with feminism as I've experienced it.

I do not have to be political in every step I take and it annoys the fucking shit out of me when someone implies that I do. I was reminded of this recently by following backlinks to a discussion about a womans self portraits and why one woman and her readers disapproved.

What really chaps my ass is the idea that because I may or may not subscribe to some ideals means that I must fly that flag all the time strikes me as counter to the idea that I am an autonomous being outside of those ideals.

Now this feeling is probably due to two things. One I have an authority issue. I do not like being told what to do how to think etc by anyone. And two I am a cranky cranky person sometimes and when something pushes certain buttons it's like having a burr in my ass.

Moving along.

My over arching point here is that activism is not just one thing or sharing some sort of hive mind opinion with people who have a similar bent. For some folks, walking around being who they are is all the activism they care to do and I think that's fantastic. Some people want to write letters, others want to start blogs, some people want to start organizations and you know what it's all good.

Other business.

Now that the Fatosphere feed has been split yet again, I'll be sure to label my posts as being fashiony when they are in fact fashiony so people can just skip it. Which is my personal M.O while cruising my feed reader.

Um.

OH advice for our recent divorcee homie as well as some advice for anyone dating.

And this week some advice from a twitter homie who asked me after reading an exchange with um....shit I forgot who but basically a thin lady who loves her some fat ladies.

Okay that's it I'm very tired.

I'm also staring at a ball of lovely white yarn that is going to become a big white shawl.

Homo Out.
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Wednesday, January 06, 2010

This is not how it works.

The question of the day comes from a dude type reader and our homie b1ade says:


...seen the pics of your nails on flikr they look like great sex tools, I enjoy sex more with women who have long natural nails worse still if you have long nails and a big butt so much so that women without nails or a sexy butt have a harder time getting me aroused. Do you use yours during sex, if so how? How can I kick this obssession/fetish?


Thank you, I love my nails but they are less sex tools than they are protein based accoutrement that sometimes I have and sometimes I don't.

As for the other bit of your question, I'm warning you I'm going to be a little harsh.

Just so we're all on the same page here let's get a few things straight.

I have no issue with having a fetish. I have some, lots of people have them and enjoy them.

I do take issue when the fetish overrides the humanity and whole being of the person you're with.

And I'm not going to give you details on how I do or don't use my nails during sex because (and I may be wrong here) your tone makes me think you want free fap material which I'm not super into giving right now.

Now I was going to answer your question after a great deal of thought but, b1ade you ruined it with this.


Take some more pics plz darling and post them on your flickr site especially some of your sexier ass lips and nails very sexy hands. Ok that's too much of the sex word. Imaaa stop looking at your pictures. Spk soon send me an email plz and I'll send you a picture. You probably hink I'm one of these weird looking geek guy, well I got a surprise for you I am-lol That was supposed to be I Am-Not! Think you be pleasently surprised by my picture.(maybe a little conseited. Please email me back on [redacted]. muahhh by for now


Yes there are pictures of me on the internet. And I do appreciate the compliment. I happen to like my lips and nails as well.

Now I am not new to the internets nor having strangers see my pictures so let me break a few things down for you and anyone else who sees a picture of someone they think is hot and expects instant sexification.

1.) I do not approve of strangers trying to be sexual or sexually familiar with me. I do not know you that fucking well and quite frankly this note came off as entitled and dickish.

2.) I don't care what you look like I am not available for your sexual pleasure.

3.) I am not in the business of providing sexual stimuli for free for you because you are a dude on the internets.

Now let me explain some things about the three things mentioned above.

I realize that there is a fetish for everything, no matter what a person takes a picture of once they put it on the internets someone somewhere will probably find it sexually stimulating and I really don't care.

Fap away to pictures of whatever you want to. Save em to your harddrive and wail away until you're chapped.

But do not expect the person in those pictures (me or anyone else) to partake in your adventures simply because the pictures are there.

Now if you do want to talk to someone in a picture you found there are better ways of going about it.

For instance:

Let's say I see a picture of someone and think to myself holy fucking wow HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWT.

I would (if I were looking that is) send a note that says something like hello, I saw you picture at xxx and think you are pretty freaking awesome.

If the person responds in a positive fashion go forth from there.

This sort of thing is just rude and I don't like it.

My rule for contacting people I don't know is not to say things to them that I think would get me slapped or kicked in the nuts for face to face.

Now in general let's get a few things straight about Nudiemuse world.

In my universe I have no problem if you think I'm hot enough to get you tingly in your naughty bits. No problem whatever.

I have no problem if you want to tell me (but if your thing is toes don't tell me, for the love of fluffy bunnies don't tell me cause toe/foot fetish kinda grosses me out) that my picture or words made you tingly.

I do have a problem if you expect some kind of reciprocation or expect that I will be so excited I'm going to send you free noodz. Not happening.

I do like to flirt. I'm a dyed in the wool flirt and have been forever. with some people I like to flirt in a dirty manner. There are friends of mine whom I say inappropriate for mixed company things to because it makes us all smile and that's great.

But if I don't know you like that, not cool.

And you know I don't know you like that if you've only ever seen my picture and read my blog a few times.

If you are a blog reader then you know I'm happily partnered with a dude who goes by the moniker of Uniballer.

If I am going to provide anyone with dedicated fap material (pictures in this case) I am not doing it for free.

Yep, you want private special pictures be prepared to pay. There are special people who get freebies but if you haven't already you're not one of them.

Yeah I may or may not do a little web whoring. (See the link there for Tasty Trixie's Webwhore Manifesto which I love, also I kinda love her and her partner Delia too NSFW obviously)

Now to enter a dialogue with someone you think is sexypants the simple rules are easy.

Don't say things you would probably not say to their face.
Be respectful.
Don't assume that a person who flaunts their sexy is available to you for anything at all.

See easy peasy.

In other news.

I really do not feel good and think I have a cold coming on and I am not down with that because it's all in my fucking ears.

Tomorrow or Friday depending on how much sleep I get and whether or not this is an actual cold type situation going on in my head advice for a recent divorcee (do people even use that word anymore) on getting back into the dating and boinking.

AND a two outfit outfit post because it's been not ass dropping off cold and I have worn some cute stuff. With reviews of Old Navy, a revisit to the We Love Colors stripey tights AND BOOT NEWS!!

Also this weekend I will be posting two new essays in the shop. One about the first time I ever squirted and another about almost running away to Quebec to be a prostitute.

There are also some drug related misadventure essays coming AND one about my hair that may come with pictures I'm still experimenting with that.

Um...

Oh righto the essay store is here. I still haven't put in a permalink yet or made a banner of some sort. Those are on my to do list. And remember if you do buy one you MUST click return to merchant to get yer essay.

With that I am going to take some cold drugs and eat brown rice.

Homo Out.
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Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Honoring these things.

I had a rant going but changed my mind.

I'm not in the fucking mood today.

Today I am in the mood to talk about the things that contribute to my self esteem.

So back in the day when I was a youngster and very very confused about my self image and who I really wanted to show the world I stumbled on what would become the foundation of my self esteem.

The first and most important thing was that I had to learn that I in all of my glorious me-ness would never ever be like someone else in all their glorious otherness.

Seems quite simple but it's damn hard.

That means I had to stop comparing myself to my thin friends. not compare myself to diet ads, the ladies at the gym i went to. Random ladies on the street whom I thought to be better than me.

I (no really I did this) stood naked in front of a mirror and stared. I looked at myself from every angle I could.

It took me a long damn time to let that want to compare myself even just in my head.

Even now I struggle with the impulse and goddamn it I am not having it.

Now that led me to the freedom to just be who I am.

Which includes some not awesome things like I do have a temper that can be a problem, I can be a huge asshole and sometimes I'm a total snob. On the plus side once I stopped fighting everything under the fucking sun and leanred to roll with myself those things became less of an issue for me because the things that often set me off, weren't happening.

see what I did there?

Once you stop comparing yourself you can indulge in the supremely delicious feeling of freedom. Feel free to wear something outlandish, do something silly in public, laugh too loud, dance in the aisle at the grocery store, wear a hat with a fucking bird on it.

Basically be the way it feels GOOD to be.

For me that means sometimes I wear funny clothes and really bright make up.

When I let go of the want to compare myself to someone and just BE- I have always come out happier and healthier.

My self esteem rests on these things is what it boils down to:

Not comparing myself to the rest of mankind.
Letting myself be who I am with impunity.

That's where it all starts and ends for me my darlings.

Now hopefully if I don't forget there will be an outfit pic tomorrow because I look freaking cute today.

And more advice while I'm working through the ones I didn't answer in December.

And um...boobs.

Now your turn, tell me what helps your self esteem?

Homo Out.
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Monday, January 04, 2010

More advice...Black Nerdy girl style.

Before I start out let me just tell you guys that I am highly tired.

Insomnia and I are having a thing. A torrid angst filled affair that could result in drugs.

So if I wander off topic too much or say something weirder than usual that's why.

Okay let's go.

Our Homie Corey says this:


Job hunting sucks...
... especially when the Evil Higher Education Monster rears its ugly, ugly head. Like you, I'm not at all interested in yet MORE school. In fact, I hated school. My eyelid twitches even now at the thought. So, I ask you, how DOES one sell oneself when more school just isn't in the cards, and you rather /like/ the entry level, not-a-lot-of-money-but-works-for-me kind of things? Now, me, personally, I love working in kennels with dogs. I'm not very interested in moving up in a company, or even getting a technician's license to do all the fun medicine-y things, that I already know how to do via On The Job training. I honestly would rather just stay in the back, fiddling with random behind-the-scenes stuff. Yet, somehow, I get passed over by those people who have more education, because they're shiny. Or they're teenagers who plan to go on to college. I mean, really, I'm so sick of it that I'm considering making a permanent career change to carnie, which I actually find I also like, for the travel aspect of it. Anyway, I look forward to hearing your take on things. If nothing else, you do make me feel better about being who I am: a geeky goth black girl.
*shock* They DO exist!


You my dear are in very much the same boat I found myself in (holy shit) a decade ago.

When I started out looking for a job outside of sex work (phone sex or stripping) and not working for the Evil Empire (Ticketmaster and retail) I found myself right there with you.

I do not have a college education and I decided that I wouldn't be pursuing one around the age of 20 and that is a hard hard choice.

Now back then my biggest problems were no degree and no intention of getting one. Also, my work history was peppered with things a lot of big employers aren't really into. Sex work and retail unless it's more retail you're looking to get into.

After lots of interviews where I left feeling like OH THEY LIKED ME and not getting jobs I decided to do two things.

First one was I was very honest about my needs and wants.

I wanted a job that was full time, had benefits and more importantly I did not want to work in a shark infested type atmosphere.

I got rejected a lot out of hand.

But, I lucked into the company I am still working for to this day. I started out doing customer service. not my favorite thing but what was (and is) more important is that I like the culture of the company and these days my darling that may be hard to find.

I think for you, finding someplace smaller and making a point to say that you are interested in on the job training for X thing might be a good idea.

I will say to take anything I say here with a grain of salt because I've never been super great at job hunting and my thoughts could be HELLA out of date.

After working where I do for the last few years I decided that I will probably never join corporate America. At least not without kicking and screaming or unless a company is born that is so awesome I can take nap and/or primal scream breaks. I've had some sour tastes of mainstream corporate America and quit frankly it can fuck off.

Any job I have I must be able to feel like a human. That means have bad days, not feel uncomfortable being who I am and most importantly I don't want to be bullshitted.

For instance.

I did a good number of temp jobs to learn office skills. 10 Key, touch typing etc. I had some really cool ones (working as a commercial bank vault teller was one) and one that was so bad I walked out.

That one was for Safeco insurance.

I worked in a sub basement and had to use this scary ass door to get in the building, had to wear "business casual" while putting paper checks in numerical order in tiny boxes on tables under horror movie quality flourescent lighting in dead fucking silence. During the orientation they gave this whole spiel about eveyrone being an important part of the customer experience and having to do their part blablabla.

One day while limping home in my heels and getting my ONE pair of nice slacks dirty because the door we had to exit and enter through had potholes and bullshit in the alley, I realized that not one Safeco customer would ever know I existed nor would they give a shit if I wore comfortable clothes while I was putting their checks into boxes. They would not care that we were not allowed to talk to each other, have music playing in the room (not even shitty Muzak over the loud speaker) not allowed headphones or other "personal" items. Or that I had to use a scary fucking door to get into the building.

Safeco made up my mind for me.

I don't think it's ethical or okay to make the people you pay the least adhere to the same dress code as your sales team.

Working for Ticketmaster left me with the same bad taste. Granted I could dress how I wanted but after being called a "fucking stupid cunt" repeatedly by a 12 year old girl and then both her parents because I could not sell them disabled access seats to a Britney concert I decided fuck that noise too.

So I went searching and searching.

And fucking searching.

I had some experiences.

I had one interviewer tell me "you're so well spoken" in that awed "for a Black person" tone, followed by "you seem so intelligent for someone without a degree."

So Corey I hope since you've sent this you've found a job babe. Cause shit is fucking tough out there as you and all of us well know.

I myself am a lucky lucky lady.

While my job is not what I'd choose to do and get paid for I like it pretty well.

Would I rather be an on the rise hot ass NYTimes best selling author?

Fuck yeah.

But, what I've got works.

Now the trick is Corey to find what works for you and don't let anyone make you feel bad about what you choose to do.

When I took this job originally as a customer service person I had to endure some bullshit from people. People would ask when I was going to find a "real" job etc. Fuck them running.

As for the Black GeekGirlGothness.

Oh yes we are out there.

And let me recommend this article. It's old but seriously I had SUCH a massive girlcrush on Lucy Fur back in the day you don't even know.

And speaking of bein teh GAWWWWWWWWWWWTH I have some Gothy Fatty Fashion tips and stuff. Probably tomorrow darlings.

Also if I do some slideshow type (I can't make moving video) make up tutorials would y'all be into it?

I'm especially thinking about some gothy looks for my fellow Goths of color.

Uh yeah wow I'm spent. I'm going to make some tea and write the pattern for my next crochet projects. I have been making clutch purses/make up bag type things.

And as always I turn the floor to you my homies, can you commiserate with Corey? Have some fabulous advice?

Bring it.

Homo Out.
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