Thursday, February 25, 2010

I'm not into your shame.

Due to the fact that Meme Roth makes me terribly sad and I'm already sort of in a sad mood I"m not going to watch all of the face/off special thing.

I watched some of it and I will say that my girl love of Marianne increases. And for the record I think a shopping trip with her on my arm would be really fucking fun.

Okay so this whole is it okay to be fat thing, I keep thinking about the constant cries of fatties making everything ever so expensive for other folks.

Now usually the argument revolves around medical costs.

One of the things I do agree with the medical community about is preventative medical care. If you have a disproportionate chance to have an issue I think it's awesome to take steps to care for yourself to decrease your chances of said ailment.

So, if your strategy is a Meme Roth-ian type of hate and vitriol and shame how is that going to get someone to take care of themselves?

I'm not asking in a sarcastic manner.

I know there are still folks who are anti fat reading this and feel free to comment anonymously without name calling and tell me how is it a move towards anything to shame people or try to motivate them with hatefulness?

Does that EVER work without dire consequences?

If it is really all about the children think about this.

If you raise a child with the value that if they are differently shaped or look different etc that they are somehow less human that they are garbage how do those children grow up?

Beyond weight and health, time has proven that is not conducive to being a healthy adult mentally or physically.

On the other hand if you raise a child and nurture their self esteem and self worth isn't that a huge impetus for them to take good care of themselves mentally and physically for a lifetime?

When it comes to adults the same is true.

If you treat another human being like shit for long enough they will think they are shit. And if they see no value in themselves why would they want to change? Why would that person want to take care of themselves?

So this hate mongering vitriolic attitude really is not the right answer.

The other thing that bugs me about this whole OMG YER FAT YOU COST ME TEH MONIES is, why is it the people who say that never say it about anything else?

Now I'm talking about long run costs here.

Why don't the people that argue this say the same thing about say someone who has been a runner on concrete for a very long time and caused a lot of cartilage damage in their knees and back? Does that person get the same level of anger?

If being fat is something that everyone can choose not to be, than certainly someone who has done voluntary damage to their body must be in the same category mustn't they?

When the runner needs knee surgery or long term medical intervention, do you hate them because they did it to themselves? The runner had the option and could have done something else.

Or what about a woman who comes from a family with a heavy history of breast cancer who decides against a preventative radical mastectomy? Does she deserve the same level of hatred if she develops cancer because she theoretically could have done something about it?

Is the man with a family history of stress related illness who goes ahead and works a stressful job anyway, hated too?

I have yet to find this hateful attitude carried into any place but weight.

Which leads me to the conclusion that most fat hate is disingenuous.

If your primary arguments about weight are based on appearance, your personal comfort levels, theoretical illness, costs that seem to only extend to fat people, if your "concern" comes in the form of shaming or name calling, if your "concern" comes in the form of "what about MEEEEEEEEEEE", if your entire angle is made up of all things gross and hateful and your solution to the "obesity crisis" is shame-

I don't believe you.

Nor do I respect you.

If you don't have the gumption to own up to the fact that you're arguing to argue, that your biases are based in your own brain (disordered or otherwise), that you don't want to fuck a fat person so you hate them, etc.

Your opinion means nothing to me.

Furthermore I don't give a good goddamn whether or not you think it is okay for me (who let me remind you I am Not you, You are not me. We are NOT walking the same road, we are not the same person, we are not the fucking Borg) to be fat.

If I felt like someone who has questions about the whole obesity crisis or who wants to "do something" about it was coming from a place of serious and genuine caring I might be interested in what they have to say.

I might want to show that person some things about HAES. I might want to show that person what can happen when disordered becomes the order of the day and show them some of the stories from eating disorder survivors, sufferers and those who died.

Someone in the grand old Fat Universe (a comment somewhere I think) said that she (if it was you and you're not a she please correct me) said that until she learned about HAES exercise was not a positive thing. Now it's okay.

I'd want to talk to the Actually Concerned person about the merits of having good self esteem and the value of learning to care for yourself on your own terms without the interference of other peoples fucking issues.

I know this is all a bit wandering but I have a major migraine and this is about as coherent as I can be.

The bottom line is this.

Outside of the fact that yes I am a fat person, I will not take most of the anti-fat people seriously at all. If your concern has a dollar sign (diet industry, medical industry, medical insurance etc oh HAI), a hate sign (Meme Roth), or if all you're interested in is your own personal ideals of what is pretty yeah, talk until you're blue in the face.

If you are seriously concerned about the children and the obesity crisis we can talk. If you want to hear some words of wisdom from the casualties of the War on Fat we can talk. If you are open to treating other human beings with at the very least basic respect and at the utmost kindness and love, let's talk.

That's it.

Homo out.
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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Angst, my ass and the evils of pants.

I'll warn you straight up if you are one of the folks who on some level feels like Inbetweenie STFU about anything..skip this post for real.

No really skip it go check out Bianca and Sylvia looking hawt, go check out Marianne being fucking awesome on the teevee.

The following isn't really a weight issue rather an issue with my physical size.

Despite a wee bit of weight gain a while back and said weight gain pretty much melting away my body is kind of a mystery to me right now.

I keep remembering when I was a size 8-10 and I look back at those pictures and it dawns on me that I wore baggy pants. Not because of body issues I was fairly okay self esteem wise at the time but, because I could not find pants that fucking fit.

Fast forward and fucking hell man.

Really?

If I could be fulfilled a single wish right this minute I would wish for an ass that could decide what size pants would best cover it and make it look awesome.

So we all know I've kind of broken up with Torrid sort of (I swear I need Torrid rehab) and I've been focusing some love on Old Navy because I can afford basics that fit and that I like.

But the pants.

Oh. My. LORD the fucking pants.

So according to the size chart and going with where my natural waist is I should wear a size 14 pant.

BUT because of the weird low/mid (a side note, my new* ON pants are listed as mid rise and come up just beneath my navel wtf how low are the low cut?) rises, my measurements down by my hips indicate a 16.

All neon signs lead to a 16.

So I purchased a pair of very nice NWT The Sweetheart cut black (black blackity black black black) jeans on ebay from a very nice lady in a size 16.

They are cut really nice, they are cut the way I was imagining the Dickie's pants to be cut actually.

I tried them on and for five glorious minutes (while I was preening and posing in front of Uniballer) they fit pretty well. Granted the booty area was a little not as full as I'd like (more about that in a minute) but they seemed to fit pretty well. I took em off and put them away.

I wore them for the first time yesterday and (no pics I forgot) here are my impressions.


  • Excellent cut for my body shape. Big hips, big hams, smaller in the belly area.

  • Waistband- hit at the area I like. Not right on my bladder but slightly above it but not all the way up under my tits where my natural waist is.

  • Oh ffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu....start moving around and pants kind of sag between the crotch up to the waist band in a weird way.

  • The above got worse through the day until I was able to pull them down without unbuttoning them without a lick of trouble and also gaping to the point of holy SHIT see ALL of my tramp stamp and some bonus half my ass crack.



Pants boner is lost entirely.

They still look relatively cute as Uniballer informed me but man, I was so disappointed.

However- I think I may be able to shrink them a bit to fit which would be awesome.

And now let me confess something.

Everytime I see an outfit post where the poster says I am a solid size XYZ I get this mighty twinge of jealousy.

I seriously hate with a burning passion the guesswork. Despite the fact that I know my measurements quite well my waist and hip measurements do not line up with manufacturer specs. It's nobody's fault it just is.

That doesn't mean that it doesn't bug me.

It does.

A lot.

I wouldn't care if my solid size was bigger or smaller.

I am working on letting go of some of that because frankly it can really fuck me up.

Instead I'm going to try and get a bit more creative about keeping my ass warm in cooler weather.

Via the Fatshionista community on LJ I found Fashion For Nerds. If you wanna see some layering done in an awesome fashion check them out.

I am also inspired and bolstered in my want to try out some layering by Lesley from Fatshionista. Her outfits are always awesome.

I have never been super into trying to layer in a stylish manner but I can envision some stuff and I'm going to give it a shot after some judicious thrifting.

I would like to rebuild my wardrobe featuring less pants that are ill fitting and more things I think are fucking awesome.

So wow I started this like three hours ago but work got busy so I'll leave it here.

Feel free to commiserate, or link fling some awesome fatshions, or pimp your own links babies. It's all good.

Homo Out.
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Thursday, February 18, 2010

Advice for Bebeh Goths/Poor Goths.

Oooohkay.

I am actually really excited about this bit of advise. I got two questions from one SUPER FREAKING CUTE (no seriously she sent me a photo and she's mother freaking adorable in the OMG I WANNA PUT HER IN MAH POCKET kind of way..ahem) reader who is 17 and venturing into the Bat Cave.

Basically our BebehBat wants to know how I as a goth of color dealt with other folks of color who took issue with my gothness, how to not fight with her Mama about gothy clothes AND then she asked me seperately how to achieve some style with a thrift store budget.

All excellent questions.

I'm going to tackle the color issue first but, Bebeh I need you swear on your favorite boots that as a Goth of Color you will never...EVER do any of the following:

  • Pale face. Do not..I repeat DO NOT EVAR try and do pale face make up. It hurts my heart every time I see a beautiful brown person who tries to do the whole pale powdery face. My only exception to this rule is if you are doing your neck and other exposed skin flat white for something or if you are experimenting with some zombie type things. Other than that, pale face for brown folks is mother fucking verboten.
  • Be nice to your hair. More on that one later.


  • Now let's start with working this out with your Mama.

    My parents were probably not too surprised at my turn towards the Bat cave. I started dressing funny as soon as I was able to dress myself so it wasn't a shock.

    With your Mom I'd suggest guiding her into things gently. So don't start showing her pictures of crazy White people in latex right away you know?

    The first thing to talk about I think is that Black folks are not a monolith. There are all sorts of Black folks and Black folks who like the goth exist and there is nothing wrong with them. Having weird hair or wearing weird clothes really does not change who you are at a base level.

    You are who you are regardless of the clothes you use to cover your butt.

    You may have to compromise and that's okay too.

    Now on dealing with other folks of color that's a whole other thing.

    For those who don't know there is often a lot of pressure in the Black Community to conform to a single ideal of Blackness.

    These pressures take all kinds of forms. Pressures to wear your hair straight, pressures to wear what everyone else is wearing but not what the White kids are wearing, pressures to speak a certain way etc etc.

    Bebeh you may get called names.

    Now being that I haven't been your age in over a decade things might have changed but all I can tell you is to hold your head up high and fly your freakflag proudly.

    Nobody has the right to make you into something or someone you are not.

    And let your Mom know that really of all of the scenes I have been into Goths have rarely if ever been weird about me being a Black lady.

    I have never felt in danger, I have never felt like ZOMG all the White folks is staring, or felt out of place among my black clad homies. I have been in some skeevy situations, in some scenes that I was pretty sure I wouldn't walk out of but never in the context of being around other goths.

    So give your mama some time.

    Most people your Mama included have a hard time dealing with it when their friends or loved ones seem to reincarnate in front of their eyes into someone else. The best thing you can do for people who's opinions matter to you is just be who you are.

    For the strangers, frankly fuck em.

    Moving along.

    I want to talk about hair, make up and last clothes okay?

    So hair.

    If you're hanging out with alt minded folks already Bebeh you may be tempted to do crazy things to your hair. You may want a death hawk, you may want to dye it fantastic colors and that is awesome. I LOVE brightly colored hair. But lemme tell you from years of experience when you want the crazy colors invest in some wigs.

    No really.

    After lots of bleaching and other insanity I really had a hell of a time getting my hair back. I don't want you to go through the same thing.

    I really love wigs from Manic Panic. I've owned and worn many from there in everything from white platinum blonde to atomic red. I love them. Also it saves you from having to hear shit from people who don't think bright hair is going to help you land or keep a job.

    This is my favorite style. It is super super cute.

    Further if you go through a my hair must be different colors every twenty minutes phase you can get yourself a little collection then BAM you are good to go.

    There are also always synthetic dreadlock extensions, braids etc. Remember, for the most part whatever you want to do with your hair you can probably get it done without harming the hair growing out of your head.

    Now how about make up?

    If your Mama is uneasy about you working the wild make up and if you're on a budget I encourage you to start with some basics.

    At the bare minimum you need a moisturizer with SPF. Yes. Wear your sunscreen. Every day.

    Now for a simple age appropriate but gothy look that your Mom may approve of all you need is a matte face (achieved wit just powder or foundation or whatever you like) a liquid eyeliner and mascara.

    Yep I'm talking about regular winged liner. I have been wearing a swipe of winged liner, mascara and tinted lips as my go to look since I was about 14. Head on over to youtube and there are eleventy billion links on how to do this with liquid or pencil liner.

    Top that off with a lipstick you like or a gloss and you're done.

    BAM awesome.

    Now clothes.

    My method for clothes is this, you can goth up damn near anything.

    I buy basics (for me plain stretchy shirts, tights, some skirts) at places like Target, Kmart, Walmart (do NOT give me shit about Walmart okay, I go where I can afford), Fred Meyer's etc.

    While your Mom is uncomfortable with your budding Gothiness I suggest investing for the time being in things you can accesorize with gothy things. My personal favorite things are Aline or full cut skirts with mary janes or boots, I like full length skirts etc.

    When you're thrifting keep your eye on colors. That is my method. I head to my general size then dig through the racks based on colors. don't be afraid to accent your wardrobe with colors you really like. I personally am a burgundy and purple kinda girl.

    As I am working on my personal wardrobe I thrift the skirts and things like that and I save my pennies for boots or other awesome shoes.

    I check places like JCPenny, etc for things on sale.

    The fact is almost every clothing store ever carries some stuff in black that you might like. Keep your eyes on clearance sales etc.

    Also join LJ and check out some of the communities I'll be linking at the bottom.

    Cruise etsy for things you might like. I have a weird love for cephalopod jewelry and will enter that and cruise for hours. There are SO many sellers with different kinds of gothy jewelry and other accessories you can find something.

    And speaking of etsy don't be afraid to ask a seller if you can make payments. If something seems too expensive, take a breath and see if you can make a deal with a seller. Simply explain that you're a high school student on a tight budget and would like to make payments if possible. Lots of folks are broke these days and it never hurts to ask.

    Now some links?

    Yes some links.

    An article from Morbid Outlook on being a Goth of Color.

    LucyFur's Goths of Color website. She hasn't updated in forever but it's worth reading the stuff that is still functional.

    Read some stuff on LJ.

    Gothfash. I have purchased LOTS of stuff from here. Not a lot of plus size listings but lots of posts with some awesome stuff for sale.


    Goth makeup tips.
    Not updated super awesome but a good place to read.

    Faerie Fashion if you're into some more fairy oriented goods.

    For Lip Service the Lippy Addicts Community is a super find. I will say there are not a lot of fatties (or out on the internet fatties) there so looking for any of the rare plus size items can be disappointing.

    Also check out these spots:

    GothAuctions. It's like ebay but mostly goth stuff. I have purchased lots and lots of stuff from here and the sellers I've dealt with have all been pretty awesome.

    If you like to sew or want to learn how to sew and do some altering on clothes head over to Antimony & Lace. I have used tutorials from this site for a long time. The instructions are clear and work fabulously.

    Avant Gauche is also a really good resource for sewing gothic and gothic lolita stuff.

    And one more thing.

    If your Mama is dead set against you dressing in a gothy way don't fight too hard.

    The fact is you're 17 and it won't be a super long time that you have to live under her roof so make it work until you can start your own life outside of the house.

    I know that's hard to hear and can be super frustrating but it's the truth.

    Save up, buy yourself some trinkets and then when you're on your own and have your bills paid dress as flashy as you wanna. You have lots and lots of time to dress however you please and a little while more won't kill you I promise.

    It will piss you off and probably hurt your feelings but you can survive that.

    I promise.

    Now I don't have a lot of pictures of myself from around your age Bebeh.

    Here is one where I was rocking the long long braids. That was my only pair of jeans for a long time. My look at this point was that pair of faded black jeans that sat way low on my hips just so, fishnet shirt, tank top over it. Lots of jewelry. Picture taken by my baby brother, I think I was 19 or so.



    What you can't see is that I wore a shitload of rings most of the time. At least 9 at a time, I also usually wore three silver hoops in each ear. And black workboots.

    This next one I believe I was about 20 and WAY into Funhouse (Does anyone else remember that brand?) dresses. This was my favorite dress, the floaty part actually fit like an attached cape. That is a wig I'm wearing (the one I linked above from Manic Panic) and srs gawth was very srs.



    These days I'm usually found more like this:

    outfit110

    ONdressoutfit

    stripedhams

    Now I open the floor to the rest of my homies.

    Are you attracted to the Bat cave?

    Do you live there?

    Have advice?

    Commiserate.

    Now I'm off to do yanno stuff.

    Tomorrow um...I don't know what I might post tomorrow. Perhaps the post I have saved about the stuff I am into clothes wise for Spring.

    Who knows.

    Now good night darlings.

    Homo Out.
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    Wednesday, February 17, 2010

    Sometimes I really just don't care.

    Before I get to my rant today let me first say...

    Oh my holy sexy...Mollena >posted a pic of Lance who is Mr. Powerhouse 2010 and holyomfg. You are most welcome for the eye candy. I don't know Lance but ahem...you sir are hotness on a fucking plate.

    Ahem.

    Now there are a lot of things in the world I am very passionate about. Things that make my heart pump, that fill me with rage etc.

    However I have learned when and what bullshit I need to let roll off of my back without a lot of angst.

    The fact is I have a finite amount of energy physically and emotionally and I quite frankly will not give things I think are bullshit a whole lot of my time or energy.

    From recent news I don't give a flying fuck who John Mayer wants or doesn't want to stick his dick in. I really don't.

    that said, I will say that things like that if I were a rabid 10-18 year old John Mayer fan would break my heart. I remember being very young and very impressionable and daydreaming about someone finding me hot. However there were not places I could look to see a lot of Black women being desirable or even held up as beautiful.

    It hurt me at that age.

    At that age I was not grown up to not give a fuck about whom anyone wanted to fuck. I was sometimes told by family etc that I was cute or that I'd grow up and be a heart breaker but I did not have a clue about when someone would find me sexy.

    And no matter how you want to think it is, kids do think about these things.

    It hurt me that when I started reading magazines I hardly ever saw anyone I could look at and think oh maybe I will look like her when I grow up.

    Then I got older and I realized that the media has no bearing on actual life.

    In all actuality despite all those years of taking in the knowledge that only thin, virginal but not too pure women are the only desirable types, that is not how my life turned out.

    I think that perhaps instead of fighting the media so hard maybe if we collectively made sure that the folks who come up with these prevailing ideals hear that we don't give a fuck maybe these ideals would start looking a little more like real life.

    On a body politic level I could give a fuck about what plus size model gets a spread.

    I have worked pretty damn hard on establishing my own bounderies and figuring out that what magazines say and how magazines think things should be have no bearing on my actual life.

    I think I started to figure this out around 16-17.

    Then as now I devoured magazines. I read Bust, Sassy, Seventeen etc.

    I noticed that even the "progressive" magazines all their happy stories and beautiful fashion were spent on people who looked essentially the same.

    Yes sometimes Sassy would show a non white staffer (I vividly remember an issue with an adorable Asian lady in Docs and a floral print dress) but they were not fat. They did not appear to me to be poor.

    They had nothing to do with where I was coming from or where I was going to.

    I worked out that all the beauty tips I looked forward to reading because I was learning this stuff on my own was geared towards White women.

    I worked out that I could never afford a lot of the things I saw.

    At the time I still thought that well, if I can't be these other things I'll be thin but that led down a whole other path paved with bullshit and pain.

    I wished that instead of going the immediate fight against the mainstream route I had someone to tell me that none of that stuff really mattered. I wish I'd had someone to teach me to take it with a grain of salt.

    I think if I'd had that teaching, if I'd seen or heard it (at that time no internets for me) from someone I felt meant it, it could have maybe shortened the road to self love that I've been on.

    Now I do get excited when I see a beautifully photographed editorial spread in a fashion magazine. I love beautiful fashion. I love tip offs on new beauty products and cosmetics but I have a huge bit o salt to take it all in with.

    Further more for me size is a far lesser issue than economics are. I am still the working poor. For me buying something brand new from the store is a big damn deal.

    And sometimes in the Fat Fashion Universe, my issue with dollars over size rears up in a way that is difficult for me to deal with on a personal gut level.

    Occasionally I have to remind myself that my actuality is in fact okay while I'm cruising the Fatshionista flickr pool, or reading posts on the Fatshionista LJ and to tell you the truth even prior to deciding not to post Outfit pics there, I'd get that bad feeling in my gut. The one that a lot of Inbetweenies were trying to express when the size parameters at the Fatshionista LJ were made.


    That bad, well you can look but you can't fully participate feeling.

    That awful feeling of being left out and unwelcome.


    (About that, please don't give me the Inbetweenies have their own space thing. That wasn't the point of a lot of the things folks were trying to say in my opinion and yes you can disagree with me here but do remember it's my sandbox.)

    And please can we not call that feeling just butthurt? I don't think it is. I think it's the feeling you get when you become attached to a community whether it's online or in meat world time and suddenly you find yourself shunted into the position of an ally not a participant. Or a participant with restrictions.

    That feeling sucks. And I think it's a disservice to people who were a minute ago your homies.

    I am far more hurt deep down on a personal level by simple economics rather than being upset that I can't buy a pair of pants at some random store.

    That is my bit of actuality.

    I remember there was a post a long while back on the Fats community on LJ suggesting something about only featuring outfits with clothes from actual plus size stores. I remember I sat trying to comment for forty five minutes but I was so upset I just couldn't. I don't blame the original poster for my instant and lasting upset, I can't blame the original poster for my upset clouding my ability to communicate how classist I felt that was.

    It took me way too long to get past my gut reaction of you can't play in this sandbox to root out the why of my instant foaming hurt.

    To tell you folks the truth (confession time my homies) I stopped even wanting to participate for a little while after that and stopped reading the LJ community. It took me awhile to get myself sorted out.

    All that said I still comment where applicable. If I can answer a question or give advice or opinion I do. And (bringing things back to my original point, gods but I digress) I have learned that I don't have to get worked up when things I see in my communities, or in magazines, or where ever does not have to impact my life if I decide it's not going to.

    It's a hard thing.

    It's hard but worth it to me.

    Okay I should have busted this up into two posts but I was kinda on a roll there.

    Yes it was kinda scattered my brains are a little scattered as well.

    Tomorrow I have some advice for another Goth of Color (WOOOT) wherein I will discuss make up, dealing with assy relatives and I may include some bonus shots as me as a bebeh gawth. Also piggybacking on that question some words about dressing to ones taste on a wee tiny budget and having a big fat booty.

    Also at some point this week I have a question to answer about how I feel about my position as an Inbetweenie in teh land o the fatties and how that impacts/impacted where I'm coming from and what I say about being the Dowager Empress of All Fatassia.

    One last random ass random note.

    I had fast food for the first time in probably six months or who knows how long and now my fucking tummy hurts.

    Not. Fair.

    I am going to preview the yoga DVD someone gave me now to see if I might be into it. I know I still fucking hate yoga but my knees hurt so I sacrifice.

    After that I must remove my nine pounds of black eyeliner, bathe and make some sweet sweet love to my hair. Speaking of I leave you with my little hair video I made.



    Homo Out.

    RXKGBYUX5Y4K

    Ignore the above I'm fixing Technorati yo.
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    Thursday, February 11, 2010

    Better today.

    First of all thank you.

    Each and every one of you who commented thank you.

    I truly appreciate you guys in ways that are probably mushy and crazy.

    I am better today. Still fucking exhausted from the new epic commute but I am calmer.

    I rolled in my panic for a little bit, made myself get through it and out the other side.

    I DO have a good plan.

    I also found a pair of cheap pants. I'm going to try out a pair of black Old Navy sweetheart jeans I found on Ebay. Have you worn those? If so feel free to tell me about them.

    In other news.

    I have decided (again) to revamp how I work the essay store. What I have now is okay but is not exactly what I wanted. So I'm going to leave the three that are available right now and work on my revamp.

    Find the three essays here and please please please if you buy one make sure you click return to shop or whatever paypal says to get your download link or use the email link on the store page and let me know that you didn't get your essay and I will email you the link.

    What else?

    OH I just finished reading a book called Coffee Will Make You Black: A Novel by April Sinclair and I'm kinda sorta developing a mad girlcrush on her in the worst kind of way.

    The book is really excellent I will write up a review for Amazon.

    Now what's funny is that as I was reading I kept having the feeling that I knew Ms. Sinclair's work.

    I just googled her name and voila I figured it out. I commented on a blog post of hers over at RedRoom. (Also if any of you writer types are on RedRoom let's be buddies. I'm here) and my crush grew deeper.

    I do actually have a point here that does not involve my frequent innocently childlike romantic feelings towards people.

    What I'm really trying to get to is that I am working on a huge writing thing.

    I'm writing a real novel.

    This is not Nanowrimo. I am not going balls out on it.

    And I'm really kind of no really fucking scared.

    But fuck it.

    Also really despite what sometimes may seem like bulletproof self esteem, when it comes to things I am really passionate about and my ability to do those things I get pretty wibbly.

    Between you me and the rest of the fucking universe I get shit fucking scared.

    I am often very afraid my friends.

    And unlike my propensity to fight feeling vulnerable and like the smushy human I am, I embrace fear.

    I pull my fears in close so we can look each other in the eye.

    I don't come out swinging like I do with other things. I look at it. I put a name on my fears and then I work it out.

    That's not to say that my fears go away or even get better. Sometimes it's enough to just acknowledge how afraid I am at any given moment and sit with it.

    I can be afraid with something and still be on friendly terms with it.

    For me without fear, without that visceral tug in my guts I don't always realize when I need to work on something or need to deal with something.

    It's a personal psychological blind spot for me.

    Or just yet another of the strange ways my brain functions in.

    Okay I am really tired and need to make some coffee and food.

    OH health report.

    I have been super exhausted because of the new commute/not sleeping well but I have been paying closer attention to keeping my blood sugar up and that has helped with my fatigue.

    For some reason when I've been sick it's difficult for me to take my vitamins but I am back on them and taht has made a difference as well.

    Once I'm used to this fucking commute I am hoping to get back to belly dance.

    And that's all.

    So now really Homo Out.

    And I love you my homies, I love you so much.
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    Tuesday, February 09, 2010

    Breaking news, I'm human.

    Okay my homies confession times.

    I am really fucking stressed out anxious and depressed right now.

    At the hands of public transportation I've had to entirely revamp my daily schedule because I can no longer get to work in a timely manner. This means that my day to day commute totals up at four hours now.

    This has me freaking out in numerous ways because I quite frankly really hate not having choices and my ease and choice of public transport was part of the reason why we still live in the same area.

    So now I am kind of thinking that we may have to move which is a whole other set of serious stressors.

    Also, my wardrobe took a near fatal hit.

    I did a bunch of laundry and discovered that my two pairs of okay pants are now pretty much unwearable pants. One pair is so way too big and my little hand sewn alterations are not cutting it. Neither pair is in good enough shape that it would be worth taking to a tailor to get them fixed so yeah.

    So I need to go buy 1 or 2 pairs of pants next week. Not. Happy.

    Also I've been sick (again..fuck sake) and am really fatigued and...I seem to have lost a little weight.

    Now my first reaction was thinking okay maybe I'm just kind of dehydrated.

    Nope.

    It's not a whole pants size but it's enough of a pants size that my fall back I hate them but will wear them to keep my ass warm jeans fit weirdly and- (here is where my aforementioned want to not be such a dick to myself when I'm feeling wobbly and human comes in) I sat in my bathroom on the toilet without pants on crying.

    Now economically speaking I cannot afford for my body to change in significant ways either plus or minus pounds. I just can't.

    That being what it is my first reaction was fucking panic you guys.

    Even though the weather had a few warm days it's really cold at night and now with my "new and improved" commute home I am outside waiting for a bus near the water for almost an hour and between my bad joints and my dislike of freezing my ladyballs off I am really not excited.

    So while still in OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT panic mode I start thinking about some of the other wardrobe pieces I've been squirrling away all Winter. Some pretty skirts and things and I start thinking oh fuck what if I can't stabilize my weight? What if I lose more and the pretty things I saved for and bid sniped on Ebay etc etc don't fit anymore when it gets warm?

    This did not quite bring me to tears but I am wibbly and on the edge.

    Now going back to my transit issues public transportation is my only option and I have b een trying to plan around this new commute. I thought about taking up the time after work walking since I don't have my afternoon walks but then a little voice in my head kicks in with, but if you lose ten pounds your clothes won't fit.

    Oh fuck.

    FUCK.

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

    Being that I am who I am and these sorts of things can seriously trigger huge anxiety (on the level of major panic attacks because I spent a lot of years in strictly survival mode seemingly small possible financial upsets really fuck me up) I kind of hit a bad place.

    On one hand the anxious upset part of my brain is telling me to stop thinking about being cute, get some shit to cover my ass and then save every penny I have so we can move. Now that sounds a little rational but because of my issues I know I would go crazy and stop doing a lot of self care things that while they aren't things to help me live they are things that help keep me sane.

    It's really fucking hard you guys.

    Now the other part of my brain, the calmer part that's been working through these issues is telling me to slow down. That next week after I get paid Uniballer will go with me and help me find some pants and everything will be fine and my ass will be warm and I will figure out what to do.

    Picture two wee tiny images of me duking it out a la Fight Club in my brain.

    That is kinda where I am at today.

    Because that is the emotional space I am occupying I am having to work really hard on not going Mega Asshole on myself.

    I am not going to get angry at myself for catching a bad cold.

    I am not going to get angry at myself for being poor.

    I am not going to get angry at myself for maybe having some physical changes.

    I am not going to get angry at myself for being frightened.

    I am not going to get angry at myself for feeling vulnerable and holy fucking shit human.

    Right now my homies it would really mean a lot to me if you would like to just tell me it's okay.

    Send me a good thought.

    Point me towards uber cheap leggings, or pull on boot cut pants.

    Show me some noodz.

    Tell me a stupid joke.

    Commiserate.

    Post links to cute animals or babies.

    Post links to ugly animals I love them too.

    And then if you would please take a moment to tell yourself how much I appreciate that you even read this far. Being open and vulnerable is really fucking hard for me and thank you for letting me do it.

    Homo out.
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    Thursday, February 04, 2010

    It's not a miracle, it's pooping.

    Fair warning if you have a delicate nature and cannot deal with talking about poop don't read this.

    I have a raging head cold right now.

    I've been pretty sick for about a week and a half or so. It's nothing extraordinary just your run of the mill coughing, exhaustion, congestion. The cold has been complicated mainly by freewheeling barometric pressure that turns my sinus cavities into not so fun rides.

    Earlier today when I got to my bus stop a woman walked up to me and commiserated for a moment while I coughed and had to blow my nose and made the universal sound of sadness that often accompanies maladies where there is copious snot and after a few shared words of woe about colds she started telling me all about the "wonderful thing" she did to not only get over her cold but she lost a whole pants size too.

    She proceeded to explain that at the tail end of her illness she did some new and improved version of the infamous Hollywood Diet.

    And then tadaaaaa she had lost something like eight or ten of those ever so terrible stubborn pounds.

    I did not have the energy at that moment (nor the need to stomp her happy) but really?

    Okay I'm going to tell you exactly what the Hollywood Diet can do for you.

    Ready?

    Hold your dollars, feel free to send them in after I let out the secret......


    It will make you poop.

    Basically the super special concentrated elixer of ass shrinking, is pretty much going to make you poop a lot.

    Here is how all of these "detox" super awesome look ma my pants fit things work.

    You drink the powder or whatever, drink a lot of water and your bowels get going.

    If you poop enough and are not taking in a lot of solids and are super hydrating you'll flush out water weight (which is a perfectly normal thing people) and you will poo a lot.

    And as anyone who's ever had a stomach bug will tell you, a lot of pooing will probably leave you with pants that don't quite fit.

    There you have it.

    So many of these so called miracle diets do little more than make you poop a lot and they don't even warn you first.

    Or if you do get a warning it's likely cloaked in bullshit language like "detoxifying" and "cleansing".

    Also, your bowels most likely don't need to be cleansed.

    When you do these things you run a good chance of fucking up the friendly flora in your bowels. What are friendly flora?

    Friendly flora are the bacteria in your bowels in particular that help your body function.

    Do not fuck with them.

    Leave them alone let them do their thing.

    Let them help you poop.

    Like many other of the awesome things your body does, if you screw with the process too much you are going to upset your body and thus possibly cause yourself harm.

    This is not awesome.

    Similarly I've seen a lot of new "diet aids" that are basically bulky fiber.

    What they do is fill you up temporarily with fiber so you "feel fuller" and thus don't eat. However, save for a very few I've seen they don't explain that these things are also going to make you poop a lot.

    No.

    A lot.

    Also if you are at all like me and can be sensitive to what types of fiber you put in my our body you may get bad gas.

    Personally, I do not think that losing small amounts of weight is at all worth that much pooping and possible discomfort.

    My bigger point is that aside from being nice to your body and not fucking around with the processes that are just fine you don't have to do that to yourself.

    You do not have to become obsessed with some fluctuating pounds.

    You do not have to participate in this nonsense.

    Your jeans do not have to be just a little too small at all times.

    You're fine.

    You're better than fine you are fucking awesome and you do not need it.

    Instead of that try fixating on something that's good for you. Wearing sunscreen on your face every day. Doing something nice for yourself that will not fuck up the way you poop.

    Remember, do not abuse your bowels they will fire back and it will be messy.

    Homo Out.
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    Wednesday, February 03, 2010

    Loves and awesome.

    I have been reading Amanda Palmer's blog for awhile but this post today put me over the edge into the love. I really dig how she expresses herself.

    Speaking of people I think are delightful let's have some links shall we?

    Not all of these have anything to do with each other and I'm pulling names from my RSS reader.

    Dennis Cooper. He's an author whom I am inordinately fond. I've read most of his books, I read his blog. I kinda would like to spend some time talking about boys over coffee.

    I also love the ladies at Pixiewoo. Make up artist sisters who not only do some really amazing youtube tutorials but both of them are very talented and charming. Go watch and read.

    $pread Magazine the magazine by and for sex workers. I really suggest reading it even if you're not a sex worker it's good stuff.

    Note- I started this last week. I got sick -again- which I'm fairly certain is a direct result of me not sleeping so much. My body has gone on strike and is currently waving a flag with the symbols for snot and fuck you on it.

    To continue.

    I also think you all should go check out Hazel Dooney. she is an artist whom I've got a bit of a girlcrush on. I've mentioned her before but her work seriously does things in my head. I think about her work at odd times, I don't always like it but I always think about it and that makes me very happy.

    Speaking of people whom I'm pretty ass over tea kettle in teh loves with I come to Kate Bornstein.

    I was a senior in high school when Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women and the Rest of Us
    came out and I bought a copy with hard earned telemarketing dollars and that book was one of the first I read that seriously changed my entire universe and perception of my own thoughts.

    You guys I don't even know how to explain how serendipitous and beautiful it was for me to read her book. I HAD to see that other people questioned gender and holy fucking shit.

    Moving on, I found Kate on twitter and started following her. It wasn't too long before I sent her a little declaration of my undying loves and when I catch her I say goodnight and call her a special name that makes her smile and that is so wonderful for me.

    Y'all don't even know.

    Another lady I am terribly -terribly- fond of in the I'd like to frolic with and try to figure out how it is we share SO many weird random things in common is Miss Mollena. In my adult life and being that I fly my freak flag high and proud it has not been incredibly easy for me to meet other women of color who also fly their freak flags and finding her has been wonderful. I want to snorgle the fuck out of her and then have cupcakes.

    Next up writers and other enjoyers of the smut, I give you Remittance Girl. I really love her writing. She's smart and charming and funny and has used one of my favorite words ever on twitter and I do enjoy that. No seriously go read her blog. Right now.

    Now how about some really awesome fucking art? My homie Cris makes some really astonishingly beautiful art. Go. Drool. Love her. She writes pretty well too.

    And how about some more hotness?

    Yes thank you.

    Dangerous Lilly. I think she is pretty fucking awesome. All those things that make me go a little quivery, smart funny and her writing is damn fine. Go. Read. Thank me later.

    I also love me some Essin Em. She is sweet and smart and yes...more hotness. She is a sexypants aweseomface.

    One more AAG. She makes me laugh, her sexy entries are yes very sexy. And yes, she too is teh HOTNESS.


    Okay I'm getting tired.

    Well more tired.

    I'm waiting for my cold drugs to kick in.

    Serious posting will resume once I don't feel like canned ass.

    I love you guys.

    Remember to be nice to yourselves and each other. Don't be too shy to love folks to the point you feel like a big dorkface.

    Tomorrow hopefully some amusing tidbits from a conversation I had recently about whether or not I'm actually a fatass.

    Now....leave me some links darlings.

    Show me who or what you're loving right now.

    And feel free to pimp your stuff here show me what you're working with.

    Now I'm going to go have a bath, snog Uniballer and hopefully sleep the sleep of the righteously sedated.

    Homo Out

    PS..also I will explain for new folks the whole Homo Out thing.
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