Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Wait you did what? A kink is born.

Today my darlings, one of our homies has requested one of my sex stories.

Not fiction, trufax and real misadventures in the development of my sexuality. So per usual if you're uncomfortable reading about kinks, skip it today.

In today's edition I'm going to tell y'all how it is that I discovered/started to develop my crotch tingling love of boots and bonus boot worship.

The thing about kinks I find amusing in general are the many permutations of one kind of specific king that can happen when someone (yours truly) is really neurotic.

I am not sure if I have mentioned it or not but I cannot stand having my feet touched. I have never had a professional pedicure (shocking because we ALL know how much I love being pampered and rubbed), I don't even let Uniballer touch my feet unless there are special circumstances and my feet are really cold and I'm putting them on his ass or something. Damn it even typing it makes my toes curl and inside I'm going EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW NO NO NO NO.

In kink parlance, this is a hard limit.

Do not touch my feet, do not touch my toes, do not tickle my feet or try to. DO NOT WANT. Don't be cute and try you will get kicked in the face. Which has happened and I felt awful after but I warned that person.

No I'm serious don't touch my fuckin feet ever it is a non negotiable limit.

Gross.

Where was I? Right boots, kink, neurotic.

So despite my complete and insane aversion to having my feet touched when bare, if I have boots on then DING jackpot. This started by accident after i saw a boot worship (wikipedia links if you want more info get to googling my darlings) scene happen at a party.

I was intrigued but not enough to actively pursue having this type of scene myself.

Until, I went to a fetish fashion show in a pair of enviable (and very missed *moment of silence for the dearly departed*) pair of gorgeous PVC 7" (with a 4" platform so it wasn't quite a ballet boot) knee high boots, a ball gown, no underclothes.

There was a gentleman at the show in a shiny catsuit, complete with little leash and collar who crawled across the dancefloor, got all up under my skirts and licked the length of my boots.

Holy shit.

Holy. SHIT y'all thus a kink was born.

Now I don't really recommend crawling up to anyone and licking their boots. Nor doing this with a stranger without talking to them. As I have said, my early trysexual adventures were often misadventures.

I don't remember how long this was going on, somewhere there are pictures. I have yet to see them pop up on the intertubes, and yes before anyone asks I have gone googling for naked pictures of myself an have only ever found one uncensored topless shot. It was so random I didn't bother to freak out about it just kinda giggled to myself.

The boot thing in general just got more involved and interesting from there until a few years ago I realized that not only do I really love the worship, I love getting my boots blacked, I love wearing them. I love other people in them.

The kink has become a big round ball of crotch tingling awesome.

When I had to sell most of my boot collection to fund an emergency move, I was so devastated. Like a lot of things in my life I made the mistake of thinking that I could/should just ignore my feelings on the matter and let it rest.

However, for me I just yeah I can't.

Which is why I would be really into doing an adult tease/boot fetish website. Yep, Web Whoring to use my favorite phrase coined by the lovely TastyTrixie (on whom I have a massive lady crush along with her partner Delia).

I keep trying to research the running and creating of this sort of thing but it just does not stick in my head. I've had the idea forever.

I love tease, cheesecake ish with some gothy styling.

My big problem is that I don't know if I have it in me to do promoting etc etc etc.

I just want Uniballer to take some pictures, play dress up and whatnot.

We don't really have the space where we live but it is always on the table.

My kink surrounding boots is one of those that I have that seemed to have happened by sheer happenstance. Now for a quickie about the silliest boot oriented moment I ever had.

After I discovered my love of all things boots, I decided to try to orchestrate a scene with a submissive woman I was sleeping with on and off at the time. Unfortunately, I did not have the internet nor a huge network of kinky people to ask what might occur during such a scene.

I had no idea what to do, she had no idea what to do. We spent some time with her kind of rubbing my boots, she did something like rubbing her nipple against my boot laces and it struck me as being one of the most silly things I'd ever seen and I burst out laughing.

For some reason, sexual mishaps are almost always hilarious to me which was not always understood by my lovers and she looked kind of hurt for a second then realized that she was rubbing her nipple against my boot laces in a weird kind of spaced out way and we both fell out laughing.

Instead of that I decided to keep my boots on while we did other things. Eventually I spent some time with my boot planted firmly on her bare bottom which was quite a lot of fun. Later I met someone who knew how to boot black and voila.

So my dear homie who requested some sexy story there you go my darling I do hope you were entertained. It was very entertaining for me to remember.

Tomorrow some comment on the naked, topless and/or naked crotch shots that may or may not be floating around teh internets of yours truly, why I don't really care one way or the other and another awesome reader question about people viewing my photos in a sexual way. Also later this week I'm having another writing related conundrum and am in need of the wisdom of you my homies.

GOOD STUFF y'all.

Now goodnight, go forth and enjoy yourselves. Feel free to ask me stuff, do you need advice? Want my opinion on something but don't want to leave your name? Head here and use the form.

Off you go my homies and haters, go forth and frolic on the internets.

Homo Out.
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Monday, November 29, 2010

That's not real activism.

I hope those who celebrated over the weekend had happy and delicious holidays.

I have a post to write about the smugness of anti buying that shows up this time of year but not right now.

Instead let's talk about activism.

In all my long years of online and meatspace activism I have heard the words "that's not real activism" in so many contexts it's not even amusing.

For right now I want to talk about the context of activism and blogging.

I've heard it said many times in many places that blogging isn't real activism and I think that sentiment is detrimental to every cause.

The thing is.

From my own life experience I've learned that I myself (and many other people) only have so many spoons. Using myself as an example here.

A while back I was talking to someone I know in meatspace who scoffs at the idea that someone blogging can be considered activism. What tweaked me was the (and it wasn't just that person but people in general) smug everything-ism in that idea.

The fact is that no matter what your cause is, chances are there are going to be people who can't afford to go to consortiums or other events, people who are not physically able to march or show up at a place, people who have varying mental and physical illnesses for whom blogging is their lifeline to activism.

There are people who live in places where they do not have the opportunity to do in person activism or it might not be safe for them.

For a lot of us because we have insane schedules, because we have families, because we are in school, because we are sick, because we are disabled, because we have partners who may be disabled, because we may have disabled children, because we may not feel safe, etc etc blogging is what we have.

The dictionary tells us that activism means:
ac·tiv·ism
   /ˈæktəˌvɪzəm/ Show Spelled[ak-tuh-viz-uhm]
–noun
1.
the doctrine or practice of vigorous action or involvement as a means of achieving political or other goals, sometimes by demonstrations, protests, etc.
2.
Philosophy .
a.
a theory that the essence of reality is pure activity, esp. spiritual activity, or process.
b.
a theory that the relationship between the mind and the objects of perception depends upon the action of the mind.

Someone who spends their energy talking about something passionately is absolutely being an activist.

To bring this to the intersectional place in regard to fat politics, I want to talk about fat fashion blogs.

One of the reasons I joined Fatshionista when I did was to see the normalizing of fat bodies in clothing. Beyond that, I got to have a dialogue with other fat people (or not so much anymore, my participation has waned) about fat and clothing and what it means to not be able to go down to the local mall and buy a pair of fucking pants.

I think that even if you don't give a shit about fashion, that it's important to acknowledge the seriousness of putting fat bodies out into the world and sharing resources, is absolutely activism. I think that creating a sense of solidarity in varying ways is a huge benefit to fat activism and it makes me really sad when folks dismiss fat fashion as "just fashion" because it really isn't to those of us who do care.

My over arching point is this.

Whatever you can do, if you are passionate about it and you feel like you are making a difference count. Fuck anyone who tells you otherwise.

Perhaps all the activism you can do is to walk around being who you are and keeping your head up high.

Maybe you will post flyers and things.

Maybe you are someone who speaks at events.

Maybe you are like me and you have a blog or want to start a blog.

All of it helps.

My view is this. There are issues I care about passionately and to me just talking about these things with people is of value to the cause. It is valuable to me to sit here at my desk at my day job and talk about being fat, to blog about boots or sex or feminism etc. Almost every day at least a few people who aren't regular readers come by and I hope that something I say sticks in their minds.

If you're too shy to have your own space, comment at other blogs. You can make up a name not associated with your own if you are shy. Or yes, do it start your own blog.

Yes, what you have to say is important and absolutely counts.

Yes you can participate in activism in any way you are comfortable with and are able to.

Yes you. No really, you right there.

Okay that's all darlings. This week I have THINGS to tell you. I had some mental health/self care victories over the last couple of weeks. Things that if you've been reading me for awhile you know I have issues with. I have some new sex advice forthcoming (COMING YES..sorry) probably tomorrow.

So now tell me how are you my darlings? My PNW homies how did you survive the snow? Did you do Thanksgiving? Did you eat anything awesome?

Your homework is to be nice to yourself after you read this. Especially if you tend not to be nice to yourself. Two minutes (or more if you so choose) be excellent to yourself. Give yourself some dirty talk, have a wank, rub your feet, touch your hair, romance yourself with sweettalk and a bon bon. Pick a flavor and do it. Report back if you are so inclined.

Homo Out.
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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

No Fatties? A few words for non fat people on being more size aware.

Not all that long ago I posted an entry about feeling left out of supporting my favorite causes, people, zines etc by buying wearables. See that here.

Today I want to talk less about organizations and bring it to the individual.

As you might guess I read shitfuck ton of fashion, crafting and beauty blogs. A lot of those bloggers are really good at what they do and have contests.

Most of them do not publicly identify as fat and from the items up for grabs it seems to me that, a lot of them believe that their readership is thin.

I just entered (and please my homies do not give her shit) a We Love Colors giveaway over at the Dainty Squid. I sat here waffling as to whether I should enter or not, or whether I should speak up about this bit or not:

What? 1 pair of microfiber tights and 1 pair of socks in the color(s) of your choice

The thing is, the microfiber tights are not going to fit me. We Love Colors has a specific plus size selection as seen here.

Here is what I left as my entry:

I'd like to enter but I need plus size tights and they aren't an option there. If they are eligible my favorite is Rubine. I can be reached at {redacted} @ gmail.com

Now I'm not really angry, I just want to play too. I don't think that I'm going to win so ZOMFG must be specifically included but I would like to shine a light where some bloggers may not see an issue.

Dear Awesome Bloggers,
Some of your readers are fat, some of them are probably more shy than I am but when we're excluded because either you don't think about the diversity of the bodies of your readership or you just don't care, it sucks. Please take a second and either include every body or say upfront, hey this is not open to sizes whatever and up.
Sincerely,
Shannon

When it comes to this sort of thing my brain does not usually go to OMG X blog hates fat people.

Most of the time, it's more an issue of the people behind the blogs just not thinking about things in terms of inclusiveness. People who aren't fat (and lots of fat people) just don't think about it enough to make it an issue and thus, readers like myself can feel left out.

Being that a lot of bloggers, especially fashion bloggers are not engaging in political conversation I don't like to foist it on them because I don't feel like it's always the venue. That being said, I will often say hey I'm fat, you have a fat reader and I like X thing, or X thing would be so much more awesome if it came in more sizes.

I also make sure I do comment when I see things that are more size inclusive.

For the people who are doing fashion blogs, look blogs etc I think it would be really great if you think outside of your body or a body you think is the body. Think about inspiration or showing love to your readership with goodies beyond a small size range.

It's not that hard I swear.

I'll give you an example.

I may have mentioned on occasion that my very favorite fashion blog is Haute Macabre. I have been reading them for yonks and have noticed over time that their Haute List entries with links to buyable fashions are getting more inclusive both size and cost wise.

This to my mind is excellent.

The fact is, outside of the FA realm most likely bloggers who are not fat are probably not going to feature mostly fat clothes/looks which is just the same as a fat fashion blogger not doing mostly smaller size clothing posts. That's just how it is and that is fine and awesome.

I do think that it's perfectly reasonable to see some cross over.

I think that including each other in our fashion worlds, means that we can find common ground and common ground leads to what possibilities?

Solidarity.

For instance I recently got a note from a not fat reader who's been lurking (OH HI CUTIEFACE) telling me that she never knew that someone who is a lot bigger than she is could have the same fit problems in clothing.

The fit problems suck ass BUT the fact is, it got her interested and into reading more about FA and body politics which is awesome for everyone.

I don't believe at all that, everybody is going to get into it but we all know that one person, one person taking a minute and saying to themselves, "oh what about my fatties?" Is awesome.

It's far better for all of us in my eyes to clear away the us or them mentality. We're all us.

If you are a blogger who has been uncomfortable with me commenting talking about my fatness it's okay. I'm not calling you out, I'm just telling you I'm there.

So the quick take away is this.

Most likely if you run a fashiony type blog and want to run a contest, bear in mind that some of your readers are fat. If you can include plus sizes or if your contest isn't specific a head up would be great. It's easy look say you are running a contest like the one I linked above this would be perfect:

"Or plus size tights"

BAM DONE.

See how painless that is?

Next time you run your contest, throw in a note. Hell try running a plus size only look or contest. Fun for everyone.

Now my fat homies, please do not yell at bloggers who are not on the inclusive train. Be cool to them. I know it's easy to go in guns blazing because you're feelings are hurt and you feel excluded, but honestly nobody likes that when it's not warranted. Maybe a note to a blogger that says, "hey you have fat readers and X thing is really not cool." Or "how about a plus size option?"

Easy.

Remember my homies with bodies. Don't be a dick be a Richard.

Tomorrow (ugh the weather here y'all) I want to talk about fat sex. OH YES babies, sexy advice tomorrow y'all.

Now my darlings, I'm going to take my happy ass to bed and crochet because I'm tired and cold.

Stay safe and be awesome to each other.

Homo Out.
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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Dissecting my health risk assesment.

So my company just got some new insurance and we were required to take an online risk assessment or risk being charged money. And let me say that as I'm writing this I realize that there could be some triggering stuff re diet, exercise and disordered behavior be aware.

So let's talk about some issues I have with this shall we? And why this method of data gathering is just off.

The first is the presumption that everyone who takes this is a driver. There is no option to say that you do not drive.

Apparently people like me who don't drive ever at all and maybe ride in cars 1-2 times a year don't exist.

Next up nutrition.

There is no question about food allergies or sensitivities. The first thing it tells me that to DRINK MOAR MILK. DO IT DO IT DO IT! Um. If I drank the daily recommended allowance of milk or had dairy every day at all, I would shit my pants. Not in a metaphorical sense but in the, I can't leave the house because I'm afraid I'm going to drop a load in my pants way.

Next, it doesn't ask what kind of meat and protein I eat but after I entered my weight the presumption is I'm eating all fat all the time. Also the "solution" for my apparent too high fat intake is to eat fresh fish 3 times a week. I don't know where the survey creators live but I'm going to imagine hey probably make a shitload more money than I do and can therefor afford to eat fresh fish 3 times a week.

I can't afford to eat that way. I would like to eat fresh fish every day actually, but there is no universe in which I could afford that.

Moving along.

I have had doctors tell me to eat less grains because of teh fat, THE FAAAAAAAAAAAAAATASS, and this one suggests I eat more.

Now as far as my diet goes, there are no questions about caloric intake. If I were designing the questions I would if someone selected a very low amount of whatever food group, I would put in an option to find out about food allergies or sensitivities. it would be a far more accurate picture of my actual dietary intake day to day, to ask a few more specific questions. For instance where it says how many servings of Dairy do you have in a day, and I chose 0-1 there should be a drop down that says, are you lactose intolerant? Dislike dairy products? For even more accuracy, asking if someone is a vegetarian or vegan, etc.

Now of course the big issue is my weight. Despite the fact that my waist to hip ratio is pretty right in the area of awesome. 10" difference. And given my actual answers in the dietary portion of the survey, their advice to manage my risky weight is as follows. (Bear in mind that this is the first line of advice)

* Cutting down on portion sizes.
* Limiting foods high in fat.
* Eating more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.

Quite frankly if I were to take the advice of the all knowing risk assessment I would not be eating pretty much at all. The fact is I don't really eat enough as it is. I have some issues with recognizing when I should eat and it's difficult for me to eat enough during the day. Most of the time I honestly forget to eat or don't recognize hunger as being hunger until (which I've mentioned before) my blood sugar is so low I'm sitting here seething and on the verge of tears.

Next. In the weight section they say this:
In the long run, your goal weight should be between 107.8 and 145.1.

I have been in that weight range almost precisely. Without information as to my build, how muscular I might be, nothing but my height this is their recommendation. Honestly, even at the upper end of that at 145 pounds, that is something that is really difficult for me to maintain.

I maintained a weight between 140-150 pounds for about four years. In order to maintain that weight I had to eat a strict diet of up to 900 calories with an exception for when I was on my period where I would bump it up to 1200 or so by eating more meat. I also had to exercise at a minimum of 3 hours daily. Normally I split my work outs between intense cardio and weights.

In addition to this I did thousands of crunches at home and then as now I walked everywhere. Because our culture discounts commutes and the idea that someone doesn't ever drive, I didn't count the fact that I walked up to a mile out of my way every day.

That was straight up disorders. If I thought I overate, I purged with extra exercise.

I was also a miserable bastard.

I'll confess that looking back, I'm pretty sure a lot of my behaviors were more than borderline eating disordered and I was being cheered on by my doctors. It was the most vicious thing. When my weight was closer to 150 I was chastised, asked if I had fallen off or otherwise done bad things.

I had (have somewhat) an issue with people who have (or I perceive have) power over me. Back then, my doctor was at the top of the list and every time she mentioned my weight or that I had regained 4-6 pounds I felt like the worst piece of shit on earth. I remember riding the bus home after seeing the doctor and I had to get off of the bus and sit behind a bus stop crying my eyes out because I had failed so badly and my weight was back up to about 155 pounds.

How is that ever good?

Aside from the fact that, a "healthy" weight for me means I have to engage in unhealthy and risky behaviors, aside from the fact that at my "fittest" I was possibly the most unhealthy physically and emotionally I have ever been in my life- it's just bad fucking form to suggest that without any kind of warning or acknowledgment that the assessment might not be 100% correct.

There are no warnings that this advice might not be for you and I believe that is dangerous because a lot of us put full stock in what "professionals" say.

My point here is not that I have an issue with having helpful resources available. I do think that the way this information is presented is dangerous and in some of us could trigger disordered eating or relapses. The wording of these types of things tends to rely heavily on shock and shame.

Shame is why there are so many people who won't go to the doctor until they shave, or until they lose fifteen pounds, etc etc. Those are the people who wind up dying suddenly and shockingly of diseases that could have been easily treated or prevented.

This is why I so often say that no I don't believe you when it comes to what doctors, the diet industry etc have to say.

Now I do believe that things like this health assessment could be awesome tools to empower people to take charge of their health if they want to. If they really care I think that assembling or simply doing a user survey would be great. Get some feedback from people about how the survey makes them feel.

I would also like to see HAES presented as an alternative to the LOSE WEIGHT NOW NOW NOW ethos. Or if not HAES by name, something that says "hey, try this it could make you feel good."

I would like to see the shaming and judgmental language stripped away. Give me facts and skip the commentary.

I would like to see the health care industry turn away from being so far up the diet industry's ass and instead of pushing weightloss as the be all end all, support people in being as healthy as they choose to be.

That may mean not suggesting to Fatty Fat Pants that they lose eleventy billion pounds and all their health woes will go away.

That may mean that they suggest to the cartilage ruining runner, that they bring it down a notch and try rowing or something.

I'm talking about the stripping away of biases. I'm talking about holding medical professionals accountable for their bad behavior, shitty care and making sure that it is in their best interest to do their jobs and take care of their patients.

Or at least have the balls to say look, I can't care for you and let that person find a doctor who can so they don't have to suffer.

Okay that's enough.

You get my point you're smart people.

Bottom line is, I am really hoping I am able to find a good doctor or I will- I don't even know what.

Homo Out.
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Monday, November 15, 2010

A day of unbearable whiteness.

I was just saying to a couple of people that I'm kinda meh about the usual visuals I like.

The thing is that I read a lot of fashion, make up, etc blogs and as I've mentioned before sometimes the constant mainstream pretty of them just wears me out.

I'm kind of at a loss right now for images pertaining to things that interest me.

To be more precise I'm feeling overwhelmed by whiteness.

As a woman of color some days it's just exhausting and disheartening.

It's one of those days where I'm sick of the internet, sick of media. Every corner where I might turn for comfort or visual enjoyment it's all Thin Pretty White Ladies.

As you've probably seen me say before there is nothing wrong with Thin Pretty White Ladies. I am very fond of a lot of Thin Pretty White Ladies.

My problem is that it seems like almost all of my interests are saturated with Thin Pretty White Ladies and today it's just too much for me.

Honestly my homies it's just upsetting sometimes.

For me it's more of an issue because I'm into all flavors of Alt culture. Fashion, art, etc and yep, you guessed it more Thin Pretty White Ladies.

More body diversity would probably mitigate some of my sadness and..shit I don't even know how to put it.

I just kind of throw my hands up and feel sad. I'm not angry. I'm not jealous. I'm not even annoyed I'm just tired and disheartened.

It's not just as simple as contributing or participating. I can't do ALL THE THINGS despite how much I may want to do ALL THE THINGS.

Sometimes it's tiring enough that I wish I could change my tastes in so many things. I wish I enjoyed some of the mainstream Black ladies mags more. I just don't.

This tiredness ties very much into my reluctance to be more involved with things like performance art and self portrait type projectish things.

Even though I'm 33 years old I still sometimes find it awfully intimidating to enter worlds that are mainly white people centric. I'm afraid that it will turn into the Educating Negress hour rather than be about me doing my thing with other people who are into the same thing.

I'm afraid of how painful it is when people say things that are racist by ignorance.

I'm afraid of how painful it is when I become the brown point of view by default and not because anyone is really interested in what I have to say.

These are things that I must contend with and it's fucking hard.

While on one hand I would love to stay in a position of the Educating Negress, sometimes I just want to enjoy what I'm doing.

I just feel worn out y'all. Worn out and uncomfortable.

The point is no, there is nothing wrong with Whiteness. Let me repeat that, nothing wrong with Whiteness. Sometimes, it just gets to be overwhelming and today y'all, I'm overwhelmed.

In other news I've admitted defeat in regards to Nanowrimo. I have a bunch of other shit to do and I can't concentrate on jamming out a word count. So I'm done.

Tomorrow I'll talk about something else. Probably about the best compliment I've gotten lately. It was epic.

Goonight my Homies.

Homo Out.
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Thursday, November 11, 2010

A Broken Skinny dream.

So today my darlings I'm going to tell you a story. It's a cautionary tale full of lust, intrigue and an object lesson about the fact that thin isn't always awesome.

Imagine yours truly quite a bit younger and at the time fairly thin for me. This thinness was a result of a combination of working as much as I could, poverty, misery and a dogged determination to maintain that "healthy" weight. To be honest, I am fairly glad there are not that many surviving photos of me during that time because I was funny looking.

I felt funny looking and proportioned weirdly in a very unattractive way but I faked it. I thought that because I was thin I should like my body but I just didn't. So I pretended a lot. I wore clothes, I put a lot of effort into looking the part. I succeeded in some ways and in others failed miserably.

At the time I wasn't into dating so much as getting laid as much as I possibly could. It wasn't as often as I wanted because of work and whatnot but I tried really hard.

Now I met a trans woman whom we'll call Legs. She was instantly one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen up close, funny, smart, well read, all the things that make me go wet in the crotch and weak at the knees.

Pretty much from the instant we met I wanted her. I wanted her so bad I would have really done anything. If she'd told me to set my tits on fire I would have. Luckily for me she was not that flavor of sadist so there were no games.

I have never been good at asking people on dates. After we'd known each other for awhile I still hadn't figured out the whole asking for a date thing, I was saved though by a friend who suggest we do a double date with her and her boyfriend.

The date was fantastic. I was trying out being a dapper little soft butch type. I remember being so nervous and twitchy, just being close to her during our date turned me into a throbbing being of want.

Dinner proved to start to be my undoing. Unfortunately I got very self righteous about my staunch refusal of any foods I thought were bad. Nothing creamy, nothing with too much salt fat or sugar, no booze, no soda, no dressing. Nothing good. We went to a fantastic restaurant and there was so much deliciousness to be had but I stood my ground.

Later when Legs and I were alone at her place again I went on the defensive. I had been so fat before and of course I looked better and was better in the context of morality and the person I had been before.

I talked a good game.

Legs saw through my bullshit and called me on it. I have to admit, her seeing right through me turned me on. We did some serious making out.

Things were going fairly well. Legs was fucking glorious naked. My complete physical opposite. Long, tall, muscular, gorgeous. I will say that I was most excited about her oddly red gold pubes I thought they were so beautiful.

She got naked. I did not.

I got stuck in my head. I had not long before that upped my abdomnial exercises but I still had a soft belly. The fact is, I hated my body.

I hated it enough that my discomfort made her uncomfortable. I was hesitant about letting her touch me and that really made any lovemaking impossible.

She got frustrated, I was awfully embarrassed. She put her panties back on and we sat talking.

I don't recall exactly what she said but I do remember her saying this, (matter of fact I can still hear her voice in my head)

"You know, if you're that weird about your body it makes me really not want to fuck you. I feel bad for you."

At the time I got really pissed off. I probably called her a fucking bitch. I remember I left in a butthurt huff.

I didn't see Legs again for about three years. The next time we saw each other she had the most gorgeous man on her arm and we met again at a party.

I had regained weight and more importantly I had regained my real self confidence. I wasn't acting sexy I felt sexy.

I remember we found ouselves in a corner, she had her hands on my once again fat ass and she squeezed it and told me that I looked so beautiful.

It was a moment for me.

It was one of those moments when everything turned right side up and I got it.

I understood in that moment with her hands on my ass and our bodies pressed close together in a corner at a party like a couple of horny teenages that I didn't have to force my body into an unnatural for me mold to be desirable.

I understood that what had made the biggest difference was not the size of my ass but my attitude.

When I felt better about myself at a core level, it came out of my pours. It changed my walk, it changed how I fucked, it changed everything in the best way possible.

Legs and I parted on good terms. Her boyfriend was kind enough to allow us to have our little girly moment of making out in the bathroom. I haven't seen Legs in a really long time. If I did see Legs (or if by some insane cosmic coincidence) she sees this, Legs thanks for calling me on my shit.

Also Legs, you are one of the hottest human beings to ever escape my clutches.

This incident became a big part of the foundation of my understanding of my own self esteem and how I function.

Now excuse me my homies. I'm going to do some stuff and eat some delicious food and maybe daydream a little about Leg's big gorgeous hard muscled thighs and long hard tattooed back.

Homo Out.
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Tuesday, November 09, 2010

This is why intersectionality is important to me.

I am quoting Marianne from The Rotund:

There is no way that one social justice movement can benefit by creating a false hierarchy like that anyway. There is no hierarchy of oppression. Undermining other social justice movements is a loser game.

As a person of color this is a huge reason why I disengaged from a lot of social justice causes and people talking about those causes.

What set me off of the path of activism involving other people was this.

Quite a long time ago I had an opportunity to work in sex education on a peer level. I was about 20 years and had a burning passion to help kids my own age with sex related things. A friend of a friend was trying to start up an organization that was more catered peer sex education for street kids, sex workers. She wanted to include things like self care, getting out of street level sex work. Safety, dealing with cops and prosecution.

Seriously, advanced shit.

This was long before I really knew anything about sex positive culture in regards to sex workers and giving sex workers support. This is where I was introduced to the ideas which was amazing for me.

Unfortunately though as with pretty much every activism related thing I'd done to that point, everyone but me was White. Most were middle class, educated Feminists. All more formally educated than me and at the beginning I was intimidated out of many discussions because I didn't have the women's studies classes or other academics under my belt.

That became an issue.

What started to really push me out was I became for this small group of women The Brown Person Authority.

I had an inherent understanding of the intersections of being a minority and things like sex work, but I did not have the language. What I had was a brown face so any time anything that had to do with brown people came up, all eyes quite literally turned to me.

I began to pay attention and although no one explicitly said so, everything beacme based in White ladies sensibilities. Any other voices were secondary to the cause and when I started to learn how to talk about these things from my perspective the Oppression Olympics began.

Instead of getting down to the work we were all there to do it became a contest to see who was the most special snowflake who dealt with the most oppression and y'all it was fucking exhausting.

It broke my heart and turned me off of activism where I engage with other humans entirely for almost a decade.

You're talking about me as a post teen who had skipped school to go to political rallies, who was finally starting to read books and figure out what I was truly passionate about. I was primed and ready to go.

But the continuing attitudes of (in my mind then and now) trying to seem like they were commiserating but weren't really listening or caring to listend ruined it entirely.

At some point despite how passionate I was about what the now long defunct organization was trying to get going I couldn't hack it.

I often left those meetings drained and deeply emotionally hurt. I felt like I had no voice.

And therein lies the shitty part about when people want to play Oppression Olympics or decide that the cause is the cause is the cause and nothing shall intersect with the cause. At least not in discussion.

When we try to keep intersectionality out or when we play Oppression Olympics, we're ruining it. Engaging in those things is what will kill a social justice movement nevermind the people against that movement.

It's why I still have a hard time with feminism as it is now. And why I was a little hesitant to get into the fat blogosphere to begin with.

Yes, yours truly was very conflicted about taking part.

I have been burned and heart broken and lost friends and I actually like so many of the other people participating I wasn't sure if I could deal.

I can deal.

No matter what your cause is, once the people in that movement begin to feel unwelcome for whatever reason, your cause is going to fail.

Let me stop here for a minute and admit that talking about that first failed activism really hurts.

The way to avoid this is to start (as with most things) with yourself. IF you find yourself tempted to play Oppression Olympics or if you're going to be very vocal about what does and doesn't have to do with the movement because you said so think about this.

Every social justice movement needs people. Needs people to talk about it, to spread talk of it. It needs people. If you engage in these things, you could very well be ruining it for people you need.

If you decide that talk about fashion whether it's trends, daily outfits or availability has no palce in FA and you go on a tear to make sure everybody knows that you feel that way, you could be ruining it for people. And why do that?

The thing is that one particular issue may not be as important to you as another, that doesn't make your issue the most important over all. And if you push out either on purpose or with good intentions where are you going to get more voices from?

I believe that a lot of this happens when we want to be heard. That is a natural thing, we want people to hear what we're saying and what we're about. The hard part is learning when it's not your turn or the discussion isn't about you personally.

That's more difficult than you'd think. Especially if it's the first time you've felt any kind of solidarity about a particular issue.

Here's my solution or part of a solution remember these things.

Calm down.
Yes you're important too.
It's not always entirely about you.
Shit happens to all of us.
Be awesome.

That's all.

Okay tomorrow a sexy entry about a transwoman I had the worst kind of epic crush on and how my at that point skinny ass missed out because I had a skinny ass. Rejection, lust, tragedy..er no tragedy unless you count the two of us ladies never being naked together but that's tomorrow.

Swearsies.

How are you darlings?

Are you okay?

In the Winter swaddled places keeping warm?
In the Spring swaddled places keeping cool?

Your homework is to tell another person (not me necessarily) that they are awesome. No reason, just because.

Homo Out.
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Monday, November 08, 2010

Writing news, ass news and a little rant.

So my darlings.

I'm still in the throes of nanowrimo but am not super into it right now. Meh.

In other news, my first piece of non-fiction I ever submitted to a magazine is getting published later this month. I'm so excited about it and so fucking proud of myself.

Here's the thing. I can blog all day long. I can tell y'all some really personal shit and it's all fine. However, I have this uh thing about submitting my essays. It feels so much more naked to me and that's really scary so this was a huge step for me.

There's the news.

Now let's talk for a moment about fitness.

So recently (as in the last few weeks) I've been looking for yet another sports bra because the Nike one I got just does not get the job done. I get uniboob bounce and it fucking hurts. Also given that I'm not super flexible in the shoulders, it can be a pain to get into. So I emailed someone on ebay about new in package monstrosity of a titty holder that I think would get the job done.

Unfortunately I'd stumbled into one of those HEY LOOK AT ME AND MAH WEIGHTLOSS type Ebay sellers who not only did not answer my question proceeded to try really hard to hard sell me some weightloss "system". Now frankly, if I were selling things that were specifically athletic equipment, and someone asked me very specific athletic oriented questions I would not presume that they wanted to buy my whatever turnkey bullshit I was selling.

I told the seller politely that her doing that made me not want to buy from her basically at all and I kept looking.

This type of thing is why I don't particularly care to talk about fitness with people outside of my wee group of people I talk to about personal shit all the time.

I honestly get way too frustrated.

As fitness goes in my life, a good part of my day is fitness. I mean this in the sense that I do not drive and there is no magical bus that runs on my time schedule that drops me off at my door.

On a slow day or a day when my knees hurt I still walk about a mile and a half during the day. Not counting the multiple flights of stairs at work and at home. Now depending on how fatigued I am or how I've slept I may or may not set aside time for extra exercise.

I don't always because I don't feel like I want to or need to.

For my particular body interestingly enough, for me to keep my size stable, all i really need are my nightly walks.

I don't know my exact weight and usually gauge where my body is at by how my clothing fits. Here's the thing.

For me, I really don't want to gain or lose weight right now. The reason being is that I cannot afford to buy all new pants.

Unfortunately, this means that at my current size I'm going to have a bit of a hard time finding pants that fit perfectly. At several retailers I fall right (I mean right in the middle) in the middle between a size 14 and a size 16.

This is not the most convenient size for my ass to be. But, it's manageable for me and I have pants that fit (mostly) so I'm okay.

My point here (I do have one I lost it there for a sec) is that I'm at the point where the assumption is that because I am doing 'fitness" things than I must be about to shave eleventy pants sizes off of my ass.

It's infuriating because people don't want to hear well no my walks help me stay balanced out and sane.

The fact that lately because I'm wearing pants more it's more visibly evident that my pants don't fit in an ideal manner, all of a sudden I must be just about to be on some epic journey towards not being a fatass rather than just you know, takin' care of my health and fitness as people insist on harping on constantly.

I hate that because I am not really really fat, nor am I at all thin I must be in flux.

Officially, this is not the before me. This is not the mid-road to whatever pants size me, it's fucking me. With my not quite size 16 ass and all. I am just fine thank you asshole.

To reiterate something I say fairly constantly, if you tell me that you're worried about my health and proceed to ignore anything I say or do in regards to my health, I don't believe you.

What do I want?

I want to go about the business of caring for myself, doing this in regard to my health and fitness without being subject to some random idea of how I'm supposed to look if in fact I am doing things regarding my health and fitness.

So if you are indeed ever so worried about the health of other people and you find yourself saying anything like the following:

"There's self esteem and blabalbla, can't be healthy"
"Blablabla, for your health"

etc.

You're smart. figure it out.

Here's the thing.

As I have also said eleventy million times, there is no monolithic version of healthy. There is no One Twoo Way of getting to a healthy state because no two bodies need exactly the same things to be healthy.

Not just that but, it is not anyone's obligation to you, your sense of morality, your boner or your aesthetics to "look" healthy. It's not their obligation to fill your definition of what health is.

So, if you do actually care. Shut it.

Shut up and take a second. take five seconds to do a simple exercise in understanding why you might be commenting to someone.

Some reasons:

1.) You think you are better than the person to whom you're speaking so you want to impart your wisdom.

2.) You think the person you are speaking to does not understand their own body thus you must impart your wisdom.

3.) You think you're being "nice" and "helpful" but you don't really care about how the other person feels, you just want them to look like you or like you'd like to look.

4.) You are just being an asshole.

If your reason for commenting about another persons choices regarding their body whether it's what they eat, how they eat, how they do or don't work out, the size of their ass, what healthy is for that person etc falls into one of the above categories I don't believe you care.

And unlike a lot of fat folks I won't be fucking nice about it.

It boils down to this.

If I do not believe that you really care about my actual health, fuck off. Even if you do really care about my health, part of demonstrating that health is being respectful.

At the bottom of it, unsolicited weightloss advice, explaining the basic fundamentals of fitness, about how and what to eat, about how drinking unicorn pee and snorting only four lines of glitter a day helps you keep eleventy million pounds off of your ass if I show no interest or tell you flat out I don't want to hear it.

If you are really concerned about my health here's what you do and how you express that. Here is a pretend conversation do take this with a grain of salt, this is what's appropriate in MY universe:

You: Shannon, oh baby your pants are looking a little loose.

Me: Oh, don't get me started about pants. None of my pants fits.

You: Oh no. You know X store has some really nice pants on sale. I have a coupon do you want it?"

Me: Orly tell me more about these mystery pants.

... you see where I went there.

Now the real point is to follow cues from the person to whom you're speaking. If they are not into the conversation it's not your place to force the issue.

To tell y'all the truth the people who have hurt me most on a personal level invariably were well meaning.

Even if you mean no harm when you make "helpful" suggestions, you may very well be hurting people and that's just not awesome.

Okay I'm done.

Now remember, it is free to not be a douchebag.

Homo Out.
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Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Daydreams.

I have to confess something.

Since I was a wee tot, I have daydreamed quite often about doing some kind of performance art.

For many many years I've had elaborate fantasies about making art and actually being art.

As I look back I realize that the proto ideas of integrating racial themes, the themes of having a non normative body etc have always been there. Honestly it kind of blows my mind.

I dabbled a little bit when I was a youngster.

However, I have to confess that when wanting to create something so intensely personal, I'm so shy.

I have over the years spent a lot of time reading the biographies of people who in my mind have lived incredible artistic lives and created art that I value intensely.

One of my current favorite artists (you can visit her site by clicking on in and scrolling to the bottom of the page to her banner) is Ugly Shyla.

I have followed her career (oh shit I hope I don't sound all crazy stalkery) for a really long time.

The thing I love about her is that even among supposed Alt whatever, she does not have the look that has pervaded the genre. I love that.

I honestly put Shyla on the list of people whom I personally find so fucking inspiring and who by the mere fact of them being around and doing what they do, help me make my slow ass progress towards doing art. I value that.

While I have the lust and the want to do these arty things that live in my head I just don't always know how to start.

I have a particular character flaw that causes me to often get bogged down in the intellectual. I sometimes use my intellect to dissuade myself from trying something because I don't know the mechanics or specific logistics of doing it.

There has also always been the economic aspect. I have never felt comfortable as a poor working person, being okay with spending money on X arty project. I have told myself that I'm just being creatively greedy or just an envious dick. It's taken a lot of time, effort and tears to come to a point where I can tell myself (because of course it doesn't matter what anyone else may say, I am my own biggest meaniehead) that god damn it I can try.

I am working on it.

Granted yes I do write. We know that. (Check out my self promotion for the month, go visit my new writing site located here)

I just feel like I have so much in my soul that I want to say to the world. That I want to show to the world that words, my beloved and heavily leaned on words are just not enough for.

I want fulfillment.

I want my lusty desires for art tickled.

I have shit to say.

I mostly want to do these things for myself. For the little girl I was. For the little girl I still am in a lot of ways.

So my homies, tell me what your seemingly impossible dreams are?

Posts will be..odd what with the Nanowrimo and all.

I will also most likely be posting later at night. At the moment I'm just staring at my novel and hating it a little.

Goodnight darlings.

Homo Out.
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Tuesday, November 02, 2010

A few positive words.

So in yesterdays post I promised no rage and today babies I'm delivering.

Today in honor of all the pain and upset over the last couple of weeks let's talk happy. Let's talk about bodies.

I want this to be outside of a strictly FA experience. I know some of my readers aren't fat, some of you are and some of you are inbetween. It's all good.

I want you all to know that regardless of how you feel about your body right this instant it's okay. I will say with confidence that if I haven't felt the same, someone else reading probably has or does right now too.

It's okay.

You are going to be okay.

I don't mean okay in the everyone is going to be hale and hearty kind of way because unfortunately not all of us are.

Some of us are sick, some of us don't care about health one way or another, some of us are healthy, some of us are disabled to one degree or another, some of us will be any one of these things at some point and it's okay.

I think something that's missing from a lot of discussion about bodies is just saying, hey your body, yes you right there your body is just fine and it's none of my business.

Your ass is not my business.

That said, I will say that I do care about your ass.

I care that you, yes you right there feel that you are worth more than the size of your ass. I care that people (as in everybody) know that they are not alone and that often they don't have to suffer the bullshit.

You, yes you right there are welcome.

No matter what kind of ass you have you don't have to put up with any body trying to shame you about it, bother you about it or otherwise involves themselves in the size and/or shape of your ass.

It helps all of us, for us to stick up for each other.

The fact is I have never in my life met anyone with bullet proof self esteem or belief that their body was okay. Not ever including myself.

I fully believe that the more of us who say to each other, hey you're okay, the more we can learn to say it to ourselves.

It's not a matter of caring specifically about the size of another person, to me it's a matter of showing that regardless of what's going on with our bodies, we can look at each other without judgment.

We can (and in my mind should) be able to listen to each other keeping our own privileges in check, and we can nod at each other and say holy shit that is fucked up.

I want us all, yes you too person sitting somewhere in front of a computer thinking you can't or don't get to contribute because you don't have the language, haven't studied shit, don't have a fat ass, have a really super fat ass..whatever reason yes you too can participate and I invite you to participate.

Come on.

There's a lot you can do. You can come visit fat blogs more often and comment. You don't have to say "I'm not fat but", at least not here in my litterbox. I don't care if you're not fat you're invited.

You're invited if you're not really sure about your stance on Fat related issues. I fully believe that if you don't get to, or feel like you can't participate how are you going to learn and therefor increase your own awesomeness?

What else can you do?

You can absolutely start learning to not body shame yourself or others.

That is really -really- fucking hard and I still sometimes have a problem with this. It takes time and effort but, I believe it's worth it to free yourself of that burden.

I also believe that an awareness of body politics can help everyone become aware of the more deleterious effects of body hate and can be an excellent introduction to intersectionality, issues affecting disabled people, and shit a whole lot of other issues.

The thing is this, once you become aware it's hard. The first part (hell a lot) of being aware of these things it's really fucking hard. Your feelings might get hurt, you might realize that maybe you've been an asshole to people and that really fucking sucks.

It sucks when you realize that you may have inadvertently caused this kind of pain in other people. As the cliche goes, knowing is absolutely half the battle.

I can tell you from experience it can be brutal.

It's embarrassing when you don't know the lingo, when you are one of those people who needs 101 type posts. Some communities may feel hostile if you're not already knowledgeable and that sucks. It really sucks.

I urge you to stay with it. Surf the links on your favorite blogs. Stock your feed reader with voices that are entirely unlike your own.

It seems like a small thing but I believe it's rewarding and worth it in the end.

I want to see us (yes, you too lurkers) get beyond feeling like you can't say anything for whatever reason.

You can.

I invite you to right here in my litterbox.

You don't even have to use a name if you're shy. Have stuff to say? Links you want to talk about? Stuff you're not sure how to process?

Come on.

Blog about it and leave me a link.

I am a little all over the place, blame Nanowrimo which I'm doing again. And if you need Nanowrimo buddies my username there is CrankyShannon and I say GO TEAM FATASS!

Also to be really serious. The two of you that donated...thank you. I want to make you each a little something something. I am so honored to have such caring people in my little universe here. I can't even tell you how thankful I am.

I'm thankful for everyone who visits. The sweet comments. The follow ups to long ago given advice (YAY..you know who you are YAY).

You all do my little hippy heart so much good. You don't even know how awe inspiring to me that after all these years, people still like to hear what I have to say.

Thank you my homies. Thank you.

I'm yammering. I know.

I am going to roll about in the warm fuzzies and get back to novel work. If anyone would like I'll probably post tid bits either on Tumblr or on Livejournal.

I love you folks. Even you haters. I love you too.

Go forth, frolic in the fall and wink at yourself once in awhile.

Homo Out.
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