Tuesday, February 08, 2011

The first time I got on top.

Okay so today my darlings I'm going to tell you a sexy story. And if kinky freaks you out skip it.

Get a cuppa, take your parts off, have a cookie do whatever makes you feel fancy and prepare.

When I was 22 years old I got on top for the first time.

By that age I'd had a lot of sex. A lot of different sex, I'd done a lot of things that most of my peers didn't even know existed. I was seated firmly in my own sexual power except I would not get on top.

I had been tied up and ass fucked by an evil* man with an insane ability to tie me into fat girl knots of want.

I had tag team dominated a woman and been gotten off while she wept.

Everything so was beautiful and electrifying. I explored limits, I figured out that far prefer a good mind fuck by a top than anything else, I figured out that I can be evil and dangerous with a cock and it was all wonderful.

Right around that time I was sleeping with a mostly gay man (whole other entry/really long story full of debauchery and leather Daddies) and I found that awful hard limit.

(For the non kinky a hard limit is one of those places that you will not or will with only lots of negotiation etc go)

I would not get on top.

I was too embarrassed by the way my stomach jiggled. I didn't want him to see my stretch marks, I didn't want him to see that from that angle I couldn't position myself to look smaller, thinner, more toned. I couldn't tell him that either. I was too embarrassed.

I was too ashamed to tell this man these things.

I was ashamed to tell this man who had gently instructed me on how to be a cocksman, he taught me where to put my knee in someones back to hold them down if they were bigger than me. He shaved my pubic hair with a straight razor and I was too afraid to tell him I was afraid that he wouldn't want me anymore if he saw me on top.

Around this time I had resumed my habit of doing an obsessive number of crunches and other ab exercises. I thought I could firm things up before the question came up but I discovered quickly that my body doesn't work that way.

At some point, during a scene he told me to get on top of him and I said no. It was a strange moment, I barked the word as if he'd poked me with something sharp. I went dry and shook my head.

There was some tussling, there was some hair pulling. There was crying. I'm not a big crier but it happened and finally I confessed. I was embarrassed about my jiggling belly and my stretchmarks and the fold of skin at my waist and after more tears it came down to me being afraid that suddenly he would no longer want me.

Now this may not be how a lot of us get the point. That man tied my hands behind my back and waved his hard cock in my face. He pointed with it at me and just waited for me to get it.

I got it.

Here's the lesson here darlings. If someone wants you chances are they aren't going to suddenly look at you and say, HOLY SHIT YOU'RE FAT I AM PUTTING MY JUNK AWAY AND GOIN HOME.

Am I saying that you'll never get rejected? Nope you probably will at some point, we all have. I have. Everyone has.

What I am saying is this, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to show yourself to the person(s) you are about to get down with.

Don't be afraid to have someone look at you like you are Mother Fucking Christmas.

To the contrary of what many trolls, internet badasses, bullies and general assholes may say or think, being fat doesn't automatically shove you into the absolutely not to be desire and don't buy into the bullshit that you can't enjoy your sexuality, that you can't be wanted and lusted after because maybe you're a fat ass.

That my darlings is bullshit.

I'm talking to you with the fat ass and stretch marks, with the hairy ass and the cellulite, with the saggy boobs and uneven pecs, you with the thighs that rub together, you with the pimples, you with the crooked teeth, you with the pot belly. I'm talking to all of you.

Now before I go, check it I've updated my author site (it is for my non-blogging/fa writing. Fiction etc) You'll find links to all my available fiction and non fiction AND you'll find my srs business writing blog which I encourage you to come hang out at. Comment frolic.

Okay, your homework my homies is this. Do not let anyone take your fancy. Not one mother fucker.

Homo Out

*I mean evil in the most delicious way.


SnicketyFlick said...

this makes me feel hopeful. i've been on top a few times but only in the dark maybe one day i'll be able to do it with the lights on

beatfreak said...

I've been afraid to get on top because of my saggy boobs, but this gives me hope.

My only question is how do you stop your legs from hurting?

Veronica said...

It really is an irrational fear, this fear of getting on top. I think examining the actual reasons why we're afraid of it is a good pleace to start, so thanks for writing this post!

maggiemunkee said...

i *heart* you so hard. "I'M PUTTING MY JUNK AWAY AND GOIN HOME" might be winning the internets. :D

Sarah B said...

You make me laugh and cry. I love you.

alan said...

This is really hot.

Anonymous said...


I cannot reblog enough.


Katy said...

Fear of doing sexual things that might "reveal" your fat is a bit like always looking for the flattering outfit. There's no point looking for something that won't "make me look fat" because I am fat- that's all there is to it. And who are we kidding if we think people look at us clothed and think we aren't fat, and will be suddenly shocked when we reveal ourselves to be fat under the clothes? It's very liberating to realise that if someone decides to have sex with you, honestly they do KNOW they are getting into bed with a fatty - and no amount of clever positioning is going to change that.

Rachel said...

This is so fucking awesome and inspiring.

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