So taking a wee break from the self esteem thing I want to talk about aging because my birthday is next month.
On March 16 at 12:04 AM I will be 34 years of age.
I am almost officially in my mid-thirties. I'm a real grown up lady now.
I'm at the age where I'm relentlessly told how worried I should be. Wrinkles, my ass, appearing that I've ceased to age or never aged at all. etc etc etc.
Frankly I think it's all bullshit.
First of all I find it more than unnatural and frankly disconcerting when people show no signs of age. It just freaks me out.
Secondly I'm really fucking happy to have some crows feet and a sign that I have experienced things and that I am not the same as I was at 25 or 19.
Thirdly and most importantly I am Still Alive.
There have been many times in my life where I didn't honestly think I'd made it. Dangerous situations, depression that made me too depressed to be actively suicidal, drug use, and a complete disregard for my own life.
I fucking made it.
I am STILL ALIVE.
I have grown into a woman who was in there when I was 4 years old and putting on make up so I could have a glamor show in my bedroom. When I was 8 years old and threw a temper tantrum because my Mom wanted me to wear pants instead of the ditsy print dress and white tights that I loved. The same woman who was in there when I was given my first wig by a pair of beloved drag queens.
And the thing is I can see the future.
Seeing my own future is something that even three years ago I couldn't fathom.
Now I can see that I am going to get older and then I'll be old and it is the best fucking feeling because that means I will Stay Alive.
I will be alive when I'm 40 and if my hair is as long as I would like, will be shaving half my head in celebration or going blonde or something.
I will be alive when I'm 50.
I will be alive and a little old lady who walks in the grocery store and catcalls cute boys while wearing a crooked wig and probably a ball gown because at that age I fucking can because fuck you I'm old.
I realize that I cannot know that I will see these ages with any certainty. What I do know is that I will work (and sometimes it's really fucking hard) to see those ages.
As I get older I feel more and more validated in my rejection of certain things. I am comfortable in my rejection of mainstream beauty ideals. I'm comfortable rejecting a feminism that would shame me for my positions on things like sex work or would ignore me because of the color of my skin. I am comfortable disbelieving the hype about obesity.
I am comfortable in realizing that I don't have to trust the medical industrial complex. I do not have to buy their bullshit. I can fight for my health on my terms.
When I notice things about my body changing sometimes I admit I'm a little pissed off. My periods have gotten to be more of a hassle as I've gotten older. It's harder for me to recoup when I've been ill. I have had to change my diet to accommodate things my body doesn't approve of.
Sometimes these things suck.
Most of the time they are reminders (as hard as they can be) that I am Still Alive.
So what next?
For my birthday I'm not into huge celebrations. Most likely I'll get new contacts and then Uniballer and I can go out to dinner.
If anyone is so inclined to give me something for my birthday my Amazon wishlist is here or feel free to send me a dollar via paypal. Or write me a blog post and link me to it. Fair warning Amazon has some stuff on it that is through third party sites and I dunno how that shit works.
Take a picture of something you love and show me. Whatever moves you.
Now I have srs business things to do today. Including eating some awesome granola, drinking some fantastic coffee and finishing some other writing.
I love you my homies and haters.
PS, I think I'm going to be hennaing my hair tomorrow so I might make a post I might not.