Monday, May 09, 2011

Oh my face.

I never thought about my face in any way aside from an oh hey that's my face kind of way until I was in the sixth grade.

I remember my allergies were really bad that year and I was on a cocktail of antihistamines and one of them had this side effect. After a few weeks on one of the drugs I developed huge black bags under my eyes. They weren't just the kind you get when you haven't slept well, they were huge and dark.

They were bad enough that the school nurse actually asked if someone had hit me.

Thus started very abruptly my (eventual) hatred of my own face.

Fast forward to my late teens. I had so many really beautiful young lady friends and I hung out with them and felt like the ugly kid out 99% of the time. One of the problems for me was that I had no peers of color.

I quite honestly thought I was the ugly girl who was smart and funny and cool but you know, not the kind of girl people wanted to look at or talk to.

Most of this stemmed from the one thing that I am to this very day self conscious about.

My skin.

I am a somewhat recovering skin picker. The big problem is that my facial skin scars if I look at it cross eyed and for years I had so many dark marks on my face and throat I felt like I was just awful.

Sometimes I still catch myself fixating on those spots and just wanting to claw my face off so I can have my insurance pay to fix it.

I'm also slightly cockeyed. Unless I am unhealthily thin I don't really have angles to my face. My skin is what one dermatologist called massively oily. Duh. It's also highly sensitive and prone to being burnt by products and peeling.

Sometimes I notice how asymetrical my face is and the weird facial expressions I make. My skin makes me cringe etc etc.

The thing is, there have been very few times when another person has called me ugly and it's hurt nearly as much as when I've picked my own appearance apart. No one has ever said anything as fucked up to me as I've said to myself.

People have tried.

Dealing with my own face is why I actually started taking make up pictures a few years ago. See those here. I've used those pictures to desensitize myself to a degree.

Sometimes those pictures still freak my shit out. My face looks so weird to me. It's nothing I can name that would make you go oh right I see you're weird looking. I don't care if anyone else says that no I'm not gross.

It's a process. Some days I think my face is pretty cool and when I see a picture of myself or I see myself in the mirror I"m okay. Other days, not so much.

Other days I wonder what the fuck I'm thinking walking out in public like this.

Other times I don't even recognize my face. It feels like I'm looking at some strange woman with my voice.

I've tried over the years to figure out why I feel this way sometimes. Honestly I don't know.

What I do know is that for my own sanity and as a measure of my radical self love I coax myself through those bad moments. I know they happen and I don't berate myself for having them. I don't throw up my hands with myself.

I make myself be good to my skin. I reckon that if I make myself take care of myself, I will feel better in the long run.

I'm the only one who can get me through it. Nobody (even Uniballer) telling me I'm beautiful can make me feel better or can get me through the rough days.

This is for my friend who was amazed that sometimes I hate my face.

It's for those of you who also sometimes hate your faces or whatever other thing about yourselves.

It's okay. I won't tell you that you have to love yourself all the time because frankly I don't think anyone can do that.

Love yourself the best you can. Be nice to yourself when you feel like shit. Don't delete those pictures that make you upset. Keep them.

I wish I had a magic cure or magic words to make it better. I don't. I can only commiserate and tell you that it's fucked up but, it doesn't have to stay that way. It's not easy, matter of fact sometimes my self care is the hardest act of love I can commit.

You can do it too.

You can start maybe with not picking at your face if you do that. Or putting sunscreen on before you leave the house. Or wearing chapstick. Put lotion on your hands. Take an extra second in the morning to stretch or take a leisurely pee.

I can tell you that sometimes, much of the time it's the little things that save my sanity and keep the hate and bad feelings at bay. Tiny pleasures that I know will do me good.

Now my darlings exciting news. You can now buy a Kindle subscription to my blog! HOLY SHIT RIGHT? Get the details on Amazon over here. If you do that please let me know how it goes.

Work on The. Book. Continues. Today I finished up two essays. And I have to warn you my homies some of the essays will be really difficult to read. They hurt to write. I make sure I give lots of warning before I get down to it but be aware my homies.

I'm going to say I'm about 40% of the way there. Slower than anticipated but yeah. It's been hard.

Okay that's all for right now. Later this week I'm going to try and do a tights review post. I've tried out some new tights and I've got some shit to say about a trend I seem to be finding.

I also want to talk about how fitness can be SUCH a pain in my fat ass y'all don't even know the bullshit. And it's probably not what you think.

Now homework. For me, take a minute or five or forty five later and do something nice for yourself. Rub your temples, have a wank, give yourself a mani, use the good face wash. Do something nice.

Homo Out.


Catherine Leary said...

Wow, thanks for writing this. It's making me think of my own relationship to my appearance, and how now that I've gotten into the whole radical self-love thing, I have become more aware of how different I look to myself depending on mood. My perception is so fluid, and it's only lately occurred to me that it has always been so. And I love what you do with makeup, BTW. Very cool. :-)

Anonymous said...

I am not fat but I can completely relate to what you say about your face. I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder which finally makes a lot of sense to me. You might want to look into it:

Katy said...

Great article. btw, I tried to subscribe to your Kindle blog but it's not available in the UK :(
Any chance that might change?

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