Friday, June 24, 2011

More fluff and beauty.

So darlings.

I am so tired today and I'm in the mood to talk beauty and thangs.

Shall we?

First thing is I've been trying out this website Influenster. Apparently you can do things and in turn earn boxes of free beauty products and whatnot. I did not get the last box of free things but I am familiar with some of the products. They featured this Montagne Jeunesse Masque and oh babies, if you spot those at your local drug store try one out.

We all know I love fancy pampering and these aren't super cheap but they are affordable and are really nice if you want to feel fancy.

This leads me to what I really want to talk about today.

I've long held the belief (that link has older entries referencing this issue) that self care and really treating yourself like you are the best thing ever is a radical act.

I've seen a lot of resurgance of this over on the Tumblr and it got me thinking.

Here's the thing, unfortunately I've seen a lot of people take phrases like love yourself and care for yourself to be some kind of admonition to them personally and they react by saying I'm sick/mentally ill/etc so I can't and fuck you.

I find that disheartening. I think what missing in the discourse is to say okay, there's no gold standard of self care.

Can we settle that right now?

It's not about morality or any cause. Frankly from my point of view, self care and treating yourself as well as you are able is the fuck you.

Let me put it this way. Let's say that you are a person who is severely depressed and having some major bad self image.

How awesome is it when you are able to get up and take a shower or put on pants?

It is pretty fucking awesome.

More awesome because our society does not expect people who are physically or mentally ill to either want to be able to care for themselves or work on treating themselves lovingly.

Our society tends to treat anyone who isn't* doing super well as being unable to do well because our society doesn't recognize that there are differing gold standards of self care and self love.

Break it down.

If you feel really great about the fact that you combed your hair this morning and you are super proud of that inside your heart, that is a radical act.

If that seemingly simple act is the one that makes you hold your head up. That is a radical act.

Maybe for you, going out with make up on is a radical act of self love and a way for you to make yourself feel fancy.

What I believe is that at the end of the day we have to support ourselves in addition to supporting each other.

That is what saying love yourself etc etc is all about to me. It's about learning how to not depend on the media or lady mags or society to say you're okay. It's about looking at all those people who might have reason to hate you on sight (you're fat, weird, disabled, have funny hair, have pimply skin, have whatever thing going on) a big fat middle finger.

To me, doing the really hard work of undoing all that programming is radical. It's important to survival.

Also, let's face it. Life and whatever other issues you have are so much easier to deal with if you don't hate yourself. I'm not saying that you have to love yourself every day or always think you're awesome or even refer to this idea as loving yourself, I'm saying do what you can.

If loving yourself or learning to love yourself means that you once a day don't say something mean to yourself, you're doing it.

If it means that twice a week you smile at yourself in the mirror with pleasure, you're doing it.

Maybe you're like me and you need some in your face (no pun intended) let me deal with this shit and take pictures kind of thing, you're doing it. (I'm referring to how sometimes my own face freaks me out as I talked about here)

It's the same way I feel about health and wellness. Maybe for you being healthy and working on your wellness means that instead of drinking four sodas today you have three. Or maybe you decide to eat lean meat rather than bacon. Maybe you just sit up straighter. You're doing it.

I really hate that so often really fantastic messages get lost in their own importance and become imperatives.

There is no imperative to love yourself in any specific way.

You just don't have to.

Do I think that learning to love and treat yourself lovingly is awesome?

Hell yes I do.

I fully support you.

I support you if you hate yourself from stem to stern and sometimes, maybe sometimes you think you are kinda okay. That is awesome.

I support you if you love my fat ass and hate your own.

I support you if the only act of self love you can manage is to go to sleep or get out of bed.

I support you if you are just right this second realizing that you don't have to do a goddamn thing and that gives you a good feeling.

I also support you if you want to dig into the hard parts and do the damn thing.

The big takeaway is this.

You don't have to do shit. You don't.

I tell you to love yourself or learn to love yourself or learn to treat yourself with love because life sucks and it sucks less when you can care for yourself during the worst parts.

I care about the quality of your life.

I want you to experience moments where you feel good. How that happens is up to you.

So homework my homies.

Your assignment is to do or say one really nice true thing to yourself.

I don't care what it is. Tell yourself that you can wash dishes like a boss, admire your own ass, admire what an awesome parent you are, admire that you are a good critter parent, admire that you have really great hands, admire that you can pronounce a word correctly.

Put some nice lotion on your hands, have a wank, go outside and breathe fine air, give someone a hug, do your hair, do your nails, do your eyebrows. Wear your favorite piece of clothing. Take a nap, wake up early, spend an extra minute washing your fine behind.

I'll tell you what I am going to do.

Tonight I am going to oil my hair with a lot of coconut oil. Then after Uniballer and I run some errands I'm going to henna my hair then deep condition it. I am also going to paint my nails and try to take a nap on Sunday.

Report back. Bonus points for happy booty dances, kisses, photographic evidence of your awesomeness and sharing the love with a friend.

That's all.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Oh right I'm supposed to be upset.

Sometimes I forget that when people say stupid things to me I'm often supposed to be angry.

For instance I got a spammy comment type thing that essentially was trying (I think) to tell me how gross I am and how much the person sending the message hates my face and my ass and doesn't want to fuck me.

I forget that when anonymous people who don't have enough of a backbone to not be anonymous don't want to fuck me I'm supposed to be upset.

I suppose I'm supposed to post a big ole flounce, remove all of my pictures from the internet and nurse my fragile ego.

I must admit I just don't understand the point of going out of your way enough to make up some silly name just to tell someone you don't think they are hot.

At one time or another this sort of thing might have hurt my feelings but quite frankly I realized I don't give a fuck.

Now how about a book report?

So a whole lot of people donated last week and I am so close. Closer than I thought I'd get to crowd funding the book.

Yours truly who never cries cried.

Happy thankful astonished tears.

I feel like the writing is almost done. I need to consult with my fantastic editor to figure out what goes next.


My cover design is about done.

I have some folks in line for some reviews.

I am so excited.

Thank you everyone who has donated, spread the word and read my words. Thank you for your messages of encouragement and support.

This has been really fucking hard my friends and I am so glad I'm doing it.

SO, for now if you want to spread my chip in more here is my chip in page. Or you can use my paypal button in the sidebar.

What else can I say?

I love you so much my homies.

Also don't forget >Kindle users get me on your kindle for a dollar a month. It's like having me in your purse. If you are like me and don't have a kindle feel free to like that page.

Okay that's all. I'm going to go bathe and bask in the glow that is your awesomeness.

Homo Out.

Did you bootyshake? One person did. Now the rest of you get on that. There will be a quiz.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

For those about to bootyshake..I salute you.

Just so we are on the same page here let me remind you about my philosophy on Booty Shaking.

When I say bootyshaking I don't mean skilled dancing. I don't mean you have to have the ability to stand up. I don't care if you are in a wheelchair, if you're on crutches, if your really fucking fat, if you're super tiny skinny, I don't care how old you are, what kind of music you like, your socioeconomic status, your sexual orientation, your gender, none of that.

I'm talking about expressing joy in a physical manner. Booty Shaking.

I want you to think about dogs and small children for a minute.

When babies or dogs are happy about anything, butts shake. They wriggle and squirm, dogs wag their tails babies bounce up and down, rock back and forth, flail. Their whole bodies get in on expressions their happy.

Think about watching children when they like a song. What happens? Often they don't care where they are or what's going on, you can have a child in a full on straight up holy shit tantrum, put on their jam and they are fine.

That's what we're talking about here.

You don't need rhythm, you don't need a big ole booty, you don't even need to have witnesses.

All you need is the memory of joy.

You need a moment to shed a few inhibitions about how funny you might look or that you might be too old or uncool, you need to bootyshake.

You need your daily dose of I Do Not Give A Fuck. (For further instruction see my entry here about all the fucks I do not give). Sometimes you really do need (believe me I have done both the research and the experimentation) some time to say, I do not give a fuck right now I'm about to get down.

Today we're doing some advanced shit.

You need to imagine or hear a beat that touches you. Sometimes this requires a suspension of social political ideals (in my case, it's club banger hip hop, often problematic but damn so many beats) and some time.

Next, decide that you do not give a fuck. Maybe you're waiting for the bus, maybe you're at home in your underpants, maybe you are with your kidlets at home, maybe you are with your partner. It's time. It's going down.

Now, when your jam starts, start moving.

Among my personal favorites is to just go. Do what I feel like. Maybe I will be (unsuccessfully) booty clap. Maybe I am busting a hip grinding stripper move, maybe I am trying to bust out a shimmy. Maybe I'm just shaking my boobs at Uniballer.

Maybe I'm just flailing around like I'm a mosh pit for one.

Doesn't matter.

What I'm saying is let your happy roll out of your gut and into your ass. Or your hands or your toes.

Wag your tail. Bounce up and down. Bob your head.

You can start small, maybe a sneaky bit of wriggling in your seat at work or in the car.

Other suggestions. If you have some kidlets gather them up, play some music with a good beat. Turn it up loud and proceed to Jam out with your hams out. The little ones especially love this. When your baby is bootyshaking in just diaper clap. Booty shake back.

The real lesson is to not teach your kids that their happy wrigglings and bootyshaking joys are bad or wrong. Teach them that sometimes they do not have to give a fuck.

THe harder lesson is teaching yourself.

Furthermore, it's just fun.

If you've seen me in my natural habitat, I am frequently moving my ass in some way. When I am happy or I get good news or I'm excited I will do a happy booty dance. I flap my arms and shake all over.

Why? Because it just feels good. It is an ultimately entirely self centered act. When I dance around my apartment in just my jammy pants or buck ass naked it's not for the delight of my partner it's for me.

Simply because it feels damn good.

Sometimes life is really fucked up. Some days are awful and stressful and sometimes I need (and you need and everyone needs) just a few precious minutes not to give a fuck and be happy.

I'll wrap up here in a second but first a little story about a kid I used to see out dancing a lot.

He has cerebral palsy. He also had not one ounce of rhythm in his entire body. He also loved nothing more than to dance.

Sometimes he didn't have very good control over his limbs, most of the time he used crutches and he jammed the fuck out. Some people laughed at him. THere were people who thought he should stay home.

Sometimes he tipped over while dancing then he'd get right back up and resume jamming.

He did not give a fuck.

I loved him for not giving a fuck and more than one time he and I had our own spot on the dancefloor and jammed the fuck out.

In case nobody has told you lately, you don't have to care if you look weird or dorky. You don't have to care if you have a pancake booty or no rhythm. You don't have to care if you're rolling along in your wheelchair and want to bust a move. You don't have to care if the only dancing you can do is to stand in place and waive your elbows.

You do not have to give a single fuck.

Not. One.


Now, find your beat, move some body parts and go.

Okay my darlings. The. Book is going. It's taking me way longer than I thought because it really hasn't been easy. I'll give a full new report tomorrow but suffice to say I am so thankful you all encouraged me to do it.

I am in need of some more help with the donations thing. I'm really not great at fundraising and I keep feeling embarrassed to bring it up but I do still need help.

So if you would if you can't donate is toss this link around.

If you can donate you're super awesome.

Okay back to work my homies.

Your homework is to report back about bootyshaking with joy. Did you do it? Did you do it with friends or partners? Did you level up and do it in public? Tell me all about it.

Homo Out.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Pretty things.

Oh my goodness y'all.

I have written down your stretching/yoga recommendations and am going to do some research to see which i want.

Now that my fitness has been attended to can we talk about beauty and hair?

I have things to tell you about. And fair warning my homies, some of these will be affiliate links.

First up.

Okay so I am a lip product fanatic. When you look at my make up, I am ALL ABOUT lip products. I have some new ones to share with you.

High Voltage cosmetics. I met the owner over on the twitter and she's a nice lady first of all and second of all she makes the most fantastic highly pigmented lip goodies. I picked up a Lip Whip called 'Mistress' and I am in love. Full coverage deep dark dark burgundy which we know I love. Also I found that changing how I apply it and what I prep my lips with I can get a more matte looking stained finish or a satin finish or with a bit of gloss a serious wet shine awesomeness. The product is smooth, lightly minty and gorgeous.

The other thing I love is that she's indie and her prices are really reasonable for a beautiful high quality hand made product. Y'all know I love that.

Next thing is an affiliate link.

Neutrogena Naturals Lip Balm, 0.15 oz (Pack of 3) A while back I got a Target beauty bag in the mail. I signed up for some samples and got a full size tube of this lip balm. now I have very serious requirements for lip balm because I spend a large part of my day in an air conditioned environment and my poor lips get dry.

Looking at the first two ingredients-
Beeswax, Simmondsia Chinensis (Jojoba) Seed Oil,

Should tell you a lot. The beeswax is nice and soft and the mix of oils is really nice. This balm isn't super super thick but it does really moisturize which I like.

Next thing is also an affiliate link.

I am in love with Palladio Tinted Lip Balm
. Holy fucking shit y'all. I have been searching for a tinted lip balm that has a tint that is visible on my naturally dark lips and this is it.

The balm is nice and moisturizing and I find the color to be not too obnoxious. It's also surprisingly buildable so you can work up to a near lipstick finish with it. It's got a nice low key gloss and is fantastic. AND it's only 4$ so even if it's not your favorite you haven't over spent.

What else?

OH y'all remember how I spent weeks this spring bitching about my itchy skin?

So, during this whole summer guess what works? Baby wash. I use a store brand baby wash and I am itchy no more.

I am trying the creamy cocoa/shea butter baby oil lotion Johnson's makes and honestly skip it. At a glance it's very lush and creamy but the main oil component in it is mineral oil which only coats skin rather than really moisturizing. Pro tip for my homies of color: mineral oil+your hair=extra disaster. If you find you're hair is extra dry and breaks check your products. Mineral oil will keep your hair from getting properly moisturized.

That said, I will use the creamy baby oil over some whipped shea butter just because my skin gets that dry.

Now can we talk about my hair? I've talked about my hair before, and if I haven't mentioned it my hair is mostly natural right now. I'll talk about that in a later entry.

I have resolved to be more adventurous in hair. The thing is I still cannot style worth a good goddamn.

So I'm going to try and it kind of freaks me out.

First adventure, curly bangs.

If things work out in my favor I will post some crappy cell phone pictures since I haven't bought new camera batteries in pretty much forever.

Now off I go my homies.

Tomorrow, a status report on The. Book.

OH and I will talk about smell goods, aka perfumes and perfume oils later this week.

Homo out.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Workin on my fitness.

Recently I had an interesting conversation about fitness with someone.

She was really surprised that I know anything about fitness or have any interest because as we all know, no fat people anywhere ever know about fitness, have an interest in fitness or have any level of fitness.

Of course.

My interest in fitness started after my breast reduction when I was 14. Once I was all healed up and able to do things, I got pretty hooked.

I remember devouring books about building muscles, flexibility and dance. I did exercise videos, most memorably I did a lot of Jazzercise. My Mom had one tape that I loved doing.

At that tender and impressionable age I bought into all of the Exercise/diet industry bullshit. I truly believed in No Pain No Gain, I truly believed that if I would just try hard enough and use my shame as fuel I could in fact transform my body.

I did get fit. I was never a fast runner but I could run. I could run from class to class without feeling crappy. I got pretty flexible. I remember the first time I was able to do a beautiful flush split. I could do things that have been traditionally thought to indicate fitness.

What didn't happen was a lot of weightloss or bodily transformation.

As I've mentioned before I was still a chubby teenager. What I lacked in the cut muscles I dreamed of, I made up for with strength and muscles under my pad of puppy fat.

Fastfoward a long damn time and here I am.

For me some of the fitness activities I'm interested in doing, would hurt me. For instance among the things I am not built for that I've tried and enjoyed:

Acrobatics and tumbling

Now as much as I enjoyed doing those things as both hobbies and for fitness, my particular body (whether I was fat or thin at the time) did not appreciate it.

One of the reasons I know these things is not because I've bought into anything the Fitness/Diet/Wellness Industries have said but because it is important to me to understand how my personal body works.

That being what it is, shit I almost forgot what I was actually going to say here.

I've decided that walks are not cutting it for me and my fitness.

My big issue is that I get stiff and sore. So with that on my mind I'd like to regain some of my lost flexibility.

That said I don't want to do fucking yoga. WE all know I hate doing yoga.

I think unfortunately I may have to give in and do it anyway because simple stretching DVD's are kind of hard to find.

This is where I turn to you my darlings.

Have you knowledge of yoga DVD's that are not too preachy or new agey?

Reviews on that yoga for fat folks?

Tell me all of it darlings.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

A little story, including my one pick up line ever.

Oh my darlings. Seriously this book thing is tearing me up.

Not in a bad way but I'm in what I feel like is the home stretch and it's just exhausting trying to be awesome and fancy.

A progress report. Things are chugging along a little slower than I'd anticipated but I think I have distilled a good chunk of things I say and am really excited to get them prettied up. I'm still not entirely certain about a release date as of yet but I'll keep y'all posted.

I'm also still fundraising.

So this was going to go into the Book but I decided not to so I'll share this story with you.

Lots of people in the Fatlands of the internets have been talking about being single fatties and I'd like to tell you a little story about yours truly, a man and the one time I have ever used a cheesy cheesepants pick up line.

Imagine if you will, I was not far over 21 and while I wasn't really that fat I was fat in the context of the people I knew and hung around with. For clarification on contextual fatness as I define it read this entry, go ahead- I'll wait.

Okay at that time I was kind of leaning more towards the gay side of the force than not. I wasn't super into the peen. I was far more interested in the butch submissive lesbian I met and her also submissive wife than most any penis having individuals.

That was fine. It was no big problem for me until I quite literally ran smack into one of the hottest pieces of Irish Man ass I have ever met.

We'll call him Nasty McNastypants to protect his anonymity and he almost knocked me on my ass on first avenue in downtown Seattle because I was way below his sightline. He made certain I was okay and when I heard the very thick accent I decided to pretend I could pick him up.

I asked if he was from Ireland, Northern Ireland specifically and he smiled at me and replied in Irish I have no idea what he said and I never asked. I myself speak no Irish at all as much as I'd like to (which is a WHOLE other very long story) but he was very amused that I identified his accent so specifically.

He introduced himself and that was when I laid my line on him, it is the one and only pick up line I can deliver without giggling, that I remember the whole thing and that is just so silly I never care if it works. I said:

"I'm Shannon, the Blackest Irish in America."

He howled with laughter. Also let me digress for a second and say that a lot of Americans I've said this to were completely appalled and didn't get it. Every Irish person I've said it to thought it was fucking hilarious.

Now I was pretty sure that once he was done laughing I'd get a pat on the back, maybe a token you want to get coffee or something. The thing is, among my group of humans I was often the fat girl people talked to about her friends. Trufax.

So when he stopped laughing and put his arm around my shoulders in that kind of way and asked if I wanted to get a drink I said yes. He was hot, I felt kinda hot and holy shit my pick up line worked.

He was only in the country for a short period of time and I did have a job so we saw each other when I got off work (I was working in a bank vault at the time) and I have to confess that I had him wait for me outside of the bank vault one night simply to see the looks on the faces of some of the women I worked with when he kissed me, grabbed my ass and dragged me off to his rental care.

Yeah I did that.

The thing is that I had no real confidence in dealing with the mens. Not much at all. I always felt weird. At the time I really didn't have a *ahem* grasp on the workings of the penis so it was not only educational and fun but, I got to be the fat bitch with the hot ass dude on her arm for a precious few weeks at a really important time.

It was important because I still struggled a lot with being the Fat Girl amongst my friends. I struggled a lot when I went out with friends and boys asked me for their numbers not mine. It wasn't that I necessarily wanted those boys numbers but sometimes it is nice to be asked.

Because I had no faith in Nasty McNastypants having interest in me I wasn't afraid to just do my thing. I know it doesn't always come across here but I'm actually a fairly goofy and awkward human.

I realized after Mr. McNastypants was gone that after that I realized that I wasn't attached to everybody wanting to touch my ass. Once I let go of the idea (which is always pushed on us) that we must be hot to everyone, I started attracting people I was attracted to.

I fully believe that if your internal dialogue is awful, at some level you can't entirely hide it from the world and from people who are attracted to you in particular. This is where the hard work of trying to recode, turn down, or otherwise deal with those negative internal dialogues starts.

If you walk up to someone you think is super hot and you want to make some time with them, and all they can see in your eyes is a running hate dialogue they are probably not going to be into it.

I'm not saying that you have to be all super awesome all the time. I am saying that learning to rewire your brain, instead of thinking OH SHIT I'M TOO FAT/UGLY/WEIRD/SMALL CHESTED/WHATEVER to be talking to this hot person, maybe try thinking Okay this person is hot, yes self smile, say hi. D'OH that was dorky, wait I'm okay. Oh HEY HOT PERSON..might do you some good.

It did me some good.

Almost as much good as playing Conan with a wandering Irishman in a hotel room.

So single fatties, single weirdos, single people who don't know what the fuck to do calm down. You're fine. Yes, you are going to get rejected sometimes. Some people will be assholes about it. Yes, some people are going to think you're too fat/weird/whatever to date them.

That is okay.

Being rejected or single doesn't mean there's something necessarily wrong with you as an entire human being. It just means you haven't really found the people who think you're hot and want to know you and date you and possibly make some sexy times with you.

Also remember not everyone is born all smooth and able to pick up people at will. It takes practice to find what works for you and who it works on.

The moral is, don't be afraid to hear a no and more importantly don't be afraid to hear a hell yes.

Now I am going to get back to work. And remember please do not feel bad or upset if you can't donate. It's okay. If you would like to signal boost my chip in page feel free. Or hold onto your dollars and buy the book which I'm imagining will be priced at 4$ for ebook format and prolly 7-9 for print.

Homo Out.

Subscribe To My Podcast