I've been thinking about Blackness, my own Black ness and I have a confession to make and I would really like to know if other Black folks feel this way and if this kind of feeling is something that transcends into intersectional territory.
Sometimes, especially now that I have eleventy million ways of interacting with Black folks from all over, fuck this is hard to say but sometimes I feel like there are gaps in my Black experience.
I can't braid.
This seems like a small thing but in a large swath of Black culture this is a shared memory and experience. I was a member of some hair care boards and sometimes when it comes to my hair I feel like I'm missing a part of essential Black Lady things. I am not good at styling my hair. I wasn't when it was relaxed, I wasn't when it was short, I'm not now that it's natural and kind of long.
I feel like there are fundamental Black Folks things that I just don't possess because I was not raised in a place with a lot of Black folks.
Contrary to what one might think, at least from what I've gathered from some Black folks spaces on the internets, some folks might think I'd feel superior but I don't.
I feel incomplete.
I often feel isolated and hurt in a way that's really hard to express much less confess to.
I feel inferior.
Because of this sometimes it's really hard for me to engage with other Black folks. I feel like I don't have the right to speak up in certain situations.
I feel the same way in meatspace a lot of the time.
I just don't know how to approach this or how to process it when I feel this way.
When a very nice Black lady asked me about my hair in the store on Friday after Uniballer and I left the company party I panicked for a minute. All she suggested what that I would look cute with my big ole puff (picture forthcoming) and some corn rows in the front. It would look cute but I was too embarrassed to admit I don't know how to do that.
I am fairly shy and sometimes these things are just upsetting.
I don't know what my point is but I wanted to get it out. Does that happen to other people? How do you deal with it? How do you deal with it when you've had these feelings for your entire life and somehow the internet just makes it all worse?
SO what I haven't told y'all (totally switching subjects here) is that my home computer bit the dust a week or so ago and I'm really hoping it was just the power supply. There is a new power supply sitting in my apartment right now but I insisted to Uniballer that I put it in myself.
So that has made it way more difficult to finish The. Book because a good quarter of it is on my home computer and if my harddrive also crapped out, well let's just say it would take me another two months or so to finish The. Book.
Bad news. If it was indeed the harddrive be on the lookout for a virtual garage sale of clothes and shoes. Mostly shoes size 6.5-8 and clothes 12-18ish. Also probably some books and thangs.
In better news, I raised 235$ to pay my editor with. Hopefully Uniballer and I can budget out more to pay her. My chip in thingy is over with but if you'd still like to donate feel free to use my donate link in the sidebar there.
There you have it.
Suffice to say I'm in a little bit of a weird headspace right now. The. Book. Finances. ALL THE THINGS.
Thank all of you for being awesome.