Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Let's be real shall we?

You, my readers. My friends. My homies who have lent me untold amounts of support, I have to confess something to you.

See, I thought I was done with the book and then I realized I'm just not.

I have to confess to you that I was trying (not purposefully) to leave out the really hard shit.

I told myself it was for you, that I didn't want to bum anyone out. And then I realized that it wasn't for you it was for me.

I'm still afraid to talk about some things.

So the book has been pushed back further. I have to give you as my friend Clint's giftastic (no really lots of gifs/shiny things) blog said when I opened it the other day- REALNESS.

I have to confess that I'm still afraid sometimes that if I show you the ugly and the pain that well you just won't want to read me anymore. And then I went back and I read a lot of the comments you all have made and the sweet notes and the anonymous thank you's and I told myself to shut the fuck up.

I will dare say that the rawness is why a lot of you actually like me.

I'm not totally sure when I'm going to be done now since I made this decision. There are some things that I have honestly never told a living soul that I want to write about and it hurts but it feels good.

I'm afraid but it feels good.

So that's that. Also I'm going to try and raise another 100$ or so to pay my editor.

What next?

OH oh my goodness y'all.

Can we talk about something?

Apparently as I'm learning how to in a way that means my blood sugar doesn't take a nose dive around 4-5 pm, I seem to have lost a little weight.

Nothing super noticeable unless you see me naked but, my two favorite bras are a big big in the cup, my already ill fitting couple of pairs of pants are bigger. I'm kind of annoyed.

I've entered a weird place with my body. I don't quite trust it not to start behaving badly. I have the cutest bras that Uniballer insisted I get during the last buy one get one half off sale at Fashion bug and now, what body you don't want them to fit well?

I feel like this is such a weird state. If I'm going to be honest it freaks me out when my body changes in small ways that impact how my clothes fit. This year I've decided that while I don't want to really excise pants from my wardrobe completing I need all new pants. If I buy pants say one pair a month for the next few months, what if my body keeps doing this and they don't fit? I would freak out.

The way I am built when it comes to bottoms small weight fluctuations can change everything. My body weight is pretty evenly distrubuted fat wise, so even a few pounds can make the difference between a well fitting pair of pants that makes my ass look hot and pants that make my ass sad.

It also annoys me because I have a vision of the look I'm going for and my body doing crazy things doesn't fit. I want more fitted items but this lose a little gain a little bullshit gets on my last nerve.

Also HI nerve wracking.

So that's what's going on my loves.

The book is going to be better than I had planned. My body is kind of being a jerk right now and I'm not super happy about it.

AND one more thing. If y'all would be so kind, if you spot cheap mid/higher rise Jeggings in black/grey (I will buy the ones from Torrid as a last resort) drop me links babies. Jeggings play a big role in my fall winter wardrobe. I fucking love them.

Tomorrow a fashion advice post on things you can do to stretch your wardrobe when you're poor.


Catherine Leary said...

I love jeggings too. :-)

I just want to say that I think it's awesome how you're going to step back, let go of some things, and get down and dirty with the rawness. Yep, I'm one of those people who love your rawness and wish we could see more of it. So now I am super stoked to read your book, instead of just stoked, because I know it will be awesome.

Best of luck with it, hon, because writing is effing hard.

witchyvixen said...

I tell my son that you can't actually be brave without first being afraid. If you're not scared then bravery isn't needed.

I read this blog because I know you look whatever subject in the face, stare it down, and then give it a piece of your mind so you can set the damn thing straight on a few things.

Don't forget though, you don't have to rip something open just for the sake of ripping. If there are things that are not ready for the big reveal, then fuck it y'know? Maybe it's not that thing's time to strut out just yet.

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