Tuesday, August 30, 2011


Okay things.

First thing as my one Kindle subscriber was so kind to point out, apparently at some point my blog was not actually available. I don't know why but I seem to have fixed it and I think if you search amazon.de/uk you should be able to subscribe by searching Daily Nattering. The US version is located here. Nudiemuse Daily Nattering

And yes I'm using Amazon affiliate links again. Don't ask.

If you can't subscribe or don't have Kindle access you can totally also leave a review (I think) or give it a thumbs up.

What else?

One of you darlings asked yesterday I think about how long it takes to make a shawl.

Well for me it depends. I started out by making the Just a triangle shawl from Laughing Purple Goldfish. That is honestly the easiest shawl I've ever done. It can work up in a matter of hours to a decent size.

Right now I've been playing with a heavily modified version of a popular Jack Frost 70's shawl pattern. Honestly I'd start with the triangle one then play around.

Speaking of crocheting I'm very close to having a store figured out. OMG. Basically the web hosting for my writing site (same company as this webspace) provides a storefront with that package so I'm going to set up basically a permanent little store with some of my long vertical stripe scarves and some of my shawls/wraps.

Now can I confess something?

I don't know what got into me but for some reason I decided earlier this summer that I just didn't need some of my self care items.

Perhaps it was the dip in my self image I had going on, I just don't know but I stopped taking my vitamins and haven't been taking awesome care of my hair or skin.

Holy shit y'all, my stubbornness did not disprove my need for these things. I thought I could bully my face into submission and be fine.

Well I'm not fine.

I feel gross.

My nails aren't in awesome shape. My skin is a.) going crazy and b.) is scarring if I look at it funny and I'm so upset.


I am putting it in writing that I am going to stop being such an asshole to myself. I'm going to get back on the wagon.

First thing is back on my vitamins. I've taken a lot of multi vitamins and various beauty supplements but the only one that has ever worked for me is this Probiotics hair nail and skin vitamin that also acts as a multi vitamin. Lemme say again these are all affiliate links. Bear with me Mama is broke.

Okay I can say after being off of these vitamins for quite a while they are the ones I need as a staple product. My skin looks and feels better, is less prone to dark marks and preperiod explosions. Also my nails are stronger and less likely to peel or split. This product=win. Bonus they aren't awful tasting and don't give me heartburn.

I also experience less shedding and breakage with my hair.

Next thing is I need to stop using facial cleansers up just because I have them. *insert big ass sigh here* I don' know what got into me (actually I do which I'll get into in a bit) but I've been using The Neutrogena Cleanser/mask and yeah it is too much for my poor face. My face is wrecked right now.

I feel like I've gone fifteen steps backwards in regard to helping my skin be happy and healthy.

I do know the problem.

At some point I decided I thought I wasn't entirely worthy of all of my self pampering and good treatment. I was being an awful girlfriend to myself.

I stopped treating myself like a fucking queen because I felt less than and I'm so done with that.

So to that end I am reinstuting a few things in my life.

The first thing I did was give my hair a much needed little trim. Yes I cut my hair myself. No it's not perfect but I bun so it's good. I got rid of my raggedy ass ends and gave myself the most lovely deep conditioning treatment.

I also exfoliated the hell out of my ass and then moisturized all over and it was lovely.

I restarted taking my joint supplement.

After that I need to invest in appropriate skin cleanser, creamy moisturizers for hair and body.

I need to remember how it feels to treat myself like I am in fact the Dowager Queen of All Fatassia.

The moral of this little story is that remember, sometimes it's hard to love the one closest to you. Sometimes it's really fucking hard to remember that you need to be nice to yourself because sometimes you're all you've got. And because really if you can't spare yourself some kindness how can you give anyone else some?

Now go forth my homies and haters. Be kind to yourself. Say something nice to yourself, use your fancy products, take a nap. Do something to remind yourself that you can be loved and are worth a few minutes of your own time.

Homo Out.


Friday, August 26, 2011

Updates and not so much glee.

The other day a woman (also I hate that it is ALWAY WOMEN who say things like this to me) told me "you go girl" because I bought a snack.

My response was my over the top of my glasses stare that usually sends people running. I shook my head and muttered while I put half and half into my coffee, "I don't need congratulations it's fucking food"

That my darlings sums up everything.

What I do need encouragement and congratulations for is remembering to eat at regular intervals because I forget, my blood sugar crashes and I get upset. Recently I made the mistake of confiding in an acquaintance how worried about my issues remembering to eat and she fucking said it was not so bad. Easy to way to control my appetite.

What the fucking fuck?

Here I am worried about my actual health and this asshole thinks it is an appropriate time to encourage me to lose weight by skipping meals. I was so pissed off I still haven't responded to her message because all I want to say is fuck you, you fucking fuck.

I can't even with that. I won't.

I'm sure some of you recall that I have been trying really hard to eat more and make sure I eat regularly and shit it's hard. I had no idea it would be so damn difficult.

These last few weeks have been difficult. I'm preoccupied.

I'm struggling to finish my essays. I had a fantastic talk with my friend Sarah about it and she said things to me that are true and serious and so fucking important. She propped me up in a moment where I really needed it.

So I'm working on that and it's difficult because life is kind of stressful. Okay let me stop bullshitting and say I'm really stressed out.

Our financial situation is so up and down. We catch up and feel stable then shit happens and we're not again and that is one of the things that I have the most trouble handling.

And when I'm anxious and stressed out, my appetite is the first thing to get more screwed up. Followed closely by my ability to sleep well and my ability to stay out of the crazy spiral*.

While I'm being honest I'm also realizing that Fall is on the way and despite my intentions I've not done a lot of closet replenishing.

I need a new pair of water resistant shoes. I need things like underpants, socks and at least one or two new pairs of pants that fit. And yet I'm dragging my feet because those things add up and I haven't yet found a good sideline thing to make money with.

That in mind I have a little bit of a plan. I think instead of an entire book which is taking me too long I will ask Sarah to edit what I have and sell essays in sets of two or three for a few bucks.

What else?

OH I am very close to having some crocheted shawls and wraps available for sale. Nothing over 30 dollars. I might take the occasional custom order but since I only have time to really crochet on the way to and from work I can't promise quick turn around.

So yeah.

I'm going to leave my chip in thing here. I'm not happy about doing it but I do need all the bits of help I can get until I get my hustle straight.

And thank you for all of your encouragement and awesomeness. I love you guys for real.

Now I'm going to eat (YAY..good job self) then I'm going to write.

Homo Out.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Bitch no.

So my loves, my darlings. I was really not nice today.

Let me explain.

I have been on the hunt for a new doctor who fits into all of the following categories:

  1. Is currently accepting new patients who use my medical insurance.
  2. Is located somewhere convenient either in the neighborhood I live in or one close to where I work.
  3. Can take care of most my needs as in pussy maintenance etc.
  4. Who does not proselytize or prioritize weightloss over all other treatments for all ailments.
  5. Who doesn't push medications when the patient says no.
Not a lot to ask. I've cut down the list.

So I found a doctor within walking distance from my house, good hours. And the website looked promising. The office does have a wait list but it wasn't huge so I went ahead and filled out my new patient survey.

First of all this survey thing wasn't what I was expecting. I figured it would be a kind of introduction as advertised.

It was a little too much like the "health assessment" I had to take to get my insurance. I got very low scores for the following things.

  1. Not wearing seatbelts even though I don't drive. I don't own a car. I ride in cars maybe twice a year. There was no place to indicate that I am not a driver.
  2. Not drinking enough milk. There was no place to indicate being lactose intolerant. If I drank the daily allowance of milk every day I would shit my pants.
  3. Also at one point it said that HOLY SHIT FATASS YOUS GONNA DIE FROM THE EVERYTHING AND THE FAT..then a line later said "congratulations you have a healthy waist to hip ratio".
  4. I also scored low on the exercise portion. Mainly because a.) they assume you drive and b.) there was no place to input information about every day just living my life movement.
So I sent them a very lengthy email where I broke down their survey and why as a patient, especially as a first time patient it did not serve my needs at all. This morning I got a reply that as far as I can tell was written to me in particular but just made me angrier.

Basically even after me correcting the survey assumptions and saying specifically that my current and most pressing health concerns have existed regardless of my weight and some have been exacerbated by serious weightloss attempts to maintain a "normal" weight.

I was calm and reasonable, I asked nicely and the email I got back very cheerily told me that the reason I've had insomnia forever, the reason why I have problems with my knees, why I hurt my back previously (for the record it was a bad fall that really fucked things up) and the reason why I don't feel well is because I need to lose weight.

The nurse sent me links to "weightloss tips" websites that I checked out and yeah no. She also suggested I try Jenny Craig and "lost those pounds and start feeling better".

Okay I can be reasonable about a lot of shit but really? Without actually seeing me? Without (apparently) reading my medical records? Without consulting me?

My response was not nice and I also CC'd the doctor, their clinic email address and the complaints dept. for my insurance company.

I informed this nurse that to dispense this advice without any warning, without any caution and without having actually seemed to have read any of my information (records or email) that it was dangerous and damaging.

I stated in no uncertain terms that I find that kind of careless bad advice giving to be absolutely unacceptable and the ENTIRE reason I as a patient will not be seeking care from her or anyone associated with her. I also stated that I am appalled at her apparent disregard for my actual health.

I cited not only HAES but also I sent a large number of links to the specific problems I have, with quotes from those pages about why X things that I don't feel like sharing have anything to do with even as a correlated illness to my fucking weight.

I went on but you get the gist of the situation.

I will say yet again, when someone tells me that they are concerned about my weight because of my "health" they need to just shut up.

Here is the thing, now I'm not using hard science but common sense.

If we base and put all of our faith in science being absolutely correct, what are we believing?

At one time science told us that bathing was bad for us. At one time science told us (yes right here in America pre-Hitler) that eugenics (coercive sterilization etc) of the poor was the solution to all the ills of society. At one time science told us that everything from developmental delays to Asperger's was just madness and could be cured with an icepick to the brain. At one time the Earth was flat.

So even a casual look at history tells us that science is not infallible and not always correct about all the things.

Next, how is it that we can look at say frequent marathon runners and hold them up as paragons of health when they are often wrecking their bodies?

Again no science but I have seen these supposedly super healthy people shitting themselves, being unable to walk for days, I have known lifetime runners to suddenly find themselves in desperate need of hip or knee replacements because they've damaged their joints beyond repair or when their joints were first damaged they did not seek treatment because they were "healthy".

How is it that someone (who yes I knew personally) could continually injure themselves playing sports and "doing the right thing" never be questioned about their behavior by doctors or the ever popular "YOU ARE RAISING MY PREMIUMS" camp?

What these things tell me is that because fat is visible and our society has decided (along with the insane diet industry) that fat needs to be the repository for all our problems. This is both a problem with medical science as it is practiced in the US AND a societal cultural problem.

With most other ailments and problems people don't get in your business.  If you appear to be thin or normal (save usually for very very thin people) and are fairly ambulatory no one would ever think to tell you not to eat that whatever you're eating or anything else.

But if you are visible fat then culturally it is open season.

Culturally we are taught that while you can't shame someone out of say having a deviated septum or pigeon toes. You can't shame someone out of having crooked toes. You can't shame someone out of having that wrist that clicks sometimes or out of being prone to ear infections or having bad vision.

Now theoretically these are all things that can in fact be changed. Surgery etc. But they aren't thing we see pounded into us as being so awful that based on that one thing alone we are awful branded people.

That is why I believe that FA is so important and why it is so important for everyone to be aware of body politics. If you claim to care about things like health care costs, insurance premiums you need to understand the intersectional nature of the issue and not just parrot what you see in our culture.

Okay that's enough for right now.

Now darlings, the book is chugging along. I'm not sure when I'll be done but I'm trying not to rush myself because these things take time and writing non fiction is fucking hard.

The fact is I'm giving you my actual heart on a platter and that scares the shit out of me and feels amazing.

Homework for the day my homies, take a bootyshake break. Put on some music, sing, put your headphones on. Grab a partner, your partner, your roommate, your best friend, your kid, your pet or grab your own ass and let loose.

No seriously do it.

I love you my homies and haters.

Be on the lookout probably Thursday I will have a more complete book update and will put up my still fundraising thingy.

Homo Out.


Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Stop Showing Your Ass.

I'm not talking literally.

I love asses and generally really enjoy seeing naked ones.

I'm using this phrase (it is a big part of my personal lexicon) in this fashion:

X person says something mean/ugly/gross.

I say- your ass is showing.

I'm talking about saying foolish/mean/hurtful/ugly things.

Consider this a public service announcement. I don't care who you actually are, who you might be or who you think you are stop showing your ass.

The thing is when it comes to the internets I spend a lot of time not pointing it out when people show their asses.

Lately I've seen a lot of people I actually like and some I know in meatspace say really shitty things on the internets.

Fuck please stop.

I find it heartbreaking when I see things like that and am then not really sure how to feel about that person.

Fuck sake.

Okay I have amazing news that I will share tomorrow.

I'm also going to be putting up the Fat Signal (it's like the Bat signal, carry on the idea) tomorrow because I'm going to need some things this fall and will need help finding them.

Remember my homies and haters I love you but please, do not show your ass.

Homo Out.

can anyone tell me where that saying actually comes from? I've been saying it for years and have no idea where I might have picked it up.

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