The other day a woman (also I hate that it is ALWAY WOMEN who say things like this to me) told me "you go girl" because I bought a snack.
My response was my over the top of my glasses stare that usually sends people running. I shook my head and muttered while I put half and half into my coffee, "I don't need congratulations it's fucking food"
That my darlings sums up everything.
What I do need encouragement and congratulations for is remembering to eat at regular intervals because I forget, my blood sugar crashes and I get upset. Recently I made the mistake of confiding in an acquaintance how worried about my issues remembering to eat and she fucking said it was not so bad. Easy to way to control my appetite.
What the fucking fuck?
Here I am worried about my actual health and this asshole thinks it is an appropriate time to encourage me to lose weight by skipping meals. I was so pissed off I still haven't responded to her message because all I want to say is fuck you, you fucking fuck.
I can't even with that. I won't.
I'm sure some of you recall that I have been trying really hard to eat more and make sure I eat regularly and shit it's hard. I had no idea it would be so damn difficult.
These last few weeks have been difficult. I'm preoccupied.
I'm struggling to finish my essays. I had a fantastic talk with my friend Sarah about it and she said things to me that are true and serious and so fucking important. She propped me up in a moment where I really needed it.
So I'm working on that and it's difficult because life is kind of stressful. Okay let me stop bullshitting and say I'm really stressed out.
Our financial situation is so up and down. We catch up and feel stable then shit happens and we're not again and that is one of the things that I have the most trouble handling.
And when I'm anxious and stressed out, my appetite is the first thing to get more screwed up. Followed closely by my ability to sleep well and my ability to stay out of the crazy spiral*.
While I'm being honest I'm also realizing that Fall is on the way and despite my intentions I've not done a lot of closet replenishing.
I need a new pair of water resistant shoes. I need things like underpants, socks and at least one or two new pairs of pants that fit. And yet I'm dragging my feet because those things add up and I haven't yet found a good sideline thing to make money with.
That in mind I have a little bit of a plan. I think instead of an entire book which is taking me too long I will ask Sarah to edit what I have and sell essays in sets of two or three for a few bucks.
OH I am very close to having some crocheted shawls and wraps available for sale. Nothing over 30 dollars. I might take the occasional custom order but since I only have time to really crochet on the way to and from work I can't promise quick turn around.
I'm going to leave my chip in thing here. I'm not happy about doing it but I do need all the bits of help I can get until I get my hustle straight.
And thank you for all of your encouragement and awesomeness. I love you guys for real.
Now I'm going to eat (YAY..good job self) then I'm going to write.