Friday, November 25, 2011

Identifiers..musings and things.

Okay so I'm still percolating on a special question about androgyny so I didn't forget about you baby I am thinking.

So today I want to talk about femme.

Being femme.

First I'm going to need you to go watch this video with hot darlings Jessica and Majestic (LOOK AT MAJESTIC'S POMPADOUR...hotness).

If you can't watch the video just now someone asked Jessica and Majestic some questions about femme. My favorite of which is what is the difference between femme and feminine.

This is a question I've been asked before and have pondered.

Here is how I feel.

Femme is an identifier for me. It is part of my actual identity as a human being. It is feeling, it is style, it is one of those things that is intrinsically as deeply personal as anything else I say about myself.

Feminine on the other hand to me is a simple descriptor that on many levels in my universe just doesn't work for anything. Aside from use as an adjective which can also be problematic. As far as how I self identify and present myself to the world, the whole binary this is what men do and this is what women do way of thinking just does not work for me.

In my life and existence I don't feel the need or even really the pull to seriously attribute character traits, morals and general how to look/act edicts in the framework of feminine and masculine.

Back to Femme.

I've talked about before that I often identify (with a smile on my face) as a Sparkle Femme.

I say it with my tongue in my cheek and a smile on my face not because I don't take my identity seriously but because there is joy in expressing my personal flavor of being femme.

My joy comes from knowing that regardless of how I am presenting myself to the world, if I am wearing something easily identifiable as butch, if I'm trying for a slightly more dude look etc, the heart of my identity will not change.

Here's the thing.

Femme, Butch whatever other permutation of that one decides to make part of their identity is not for other people.

It is not for society. It's not for the other Queers. It's not for your lovers or friends. It's not for anyone but you.

No matter how you choose to identify and present yourself, it is not for the approval of or even the delectation of the rest of the world.

It's for you.

However you choose to ID, is yours. It only belongs to you up and until you decide that you want to share it with another person.

I also want to say that you don't have to give yourself a fancy identifier.

If you want to be a person who sometimes wears dresses and make up and has whatever kind of junk in your pants, without taking a name that's fine. That belongs to you and you alone as well.

If you want to be the above person and call yourself a Sparkling Butch with Femme Swag.

GO on ahead.

Now none of this is easy. A lot of the time we are confronted by other people because they are uncomfortable with us identifying as (insert X identifier here). THey want to argue with us. They want to tell us that we -can't- be X thing if we wear heels or mascara.

We are told we can't be femme and wear a cock.

We can't ID as whatever because our bodies aren't X thing.

Frankly my darlings that is all pure unfiltered bullshit.

What makes other people uncomfortable often is any show of backbone and fortitude.

Yes, people pay a lot of lip service to bravery and individuality but they tend not to back that up.

What they mean to say is that it's brave to be a little different than me but if it's too different it's awful/stupid/bullshit/etc.

What they mean to say is how dare you do what I don't have the fortitude to do.

For most people, yes even people who seem "radical" or open minded, when people go outside of others comfort zone it's scary.

When we approach identity from either the point where we are trying to figure it out or the point where we are flying our flags high we need to remember how much our own individual identities don't need to inform or conform to the identities of others.

To be more brief about it, you do you I will do me and we'll all be just fine.

Also for those of us who have our identities firmly fixed in our hearts, we need to remember that we too once upon a time probably weren't comfortable. We need to remember it's important to show support and solidarity even with the people who identify in ways that make us uncomfortable.

When we step on how other people identify, we're stepping on our selves and that is no good for anybody.

Now my darlings, I will return soon with many awesome things including the launch of my yarn store, an entry answering one of our homies questions about androgyny AND other fat ass adventures.

Homo Out.


maggie said...

i want to be femme. i loved jessica's description of femme as aggressive femininity. i'm slowly trying to get there and claim it, and work through years of self-doubt bullshit that says i'm not worth any of it because i'm a terrible person and a fattie and whatever else i know is a lie. i'm taking baby steps to get there, but i'm doing it. this helps. thank you.

Veronica said...

Thanks for posting this, I learned something:)

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