Monday, December 19, 2011

When people are staring.

Hello my darling darlings.

I'm going to first tell you a story, then admit to something and then tell you what the long term lesson about said reaction I will confess.

I know.

So picture yours truly in my early 20's. I want to say I was 23 or so and had gained some weight. It wasn't a ton of weight, it was more weight than I was accustomed to. I had injured myself during one of my ass kicking soul crushing work outs and as my body is wont to do in the time it took me to start healing up I regained weight.

One Saturday night I was dateless, restless and in desperate need of some music, some beer and some bootyshaking I headed out.

I did not dress up. I felt too awful about myself and none of my cute clubbing clothes fit. I did not give a fuck.

Given that all my fucks had flown away I arrived at a club where the dominant sort of girl hanging around was very thin in booty shorts and backless tops. Lots of glitter and tiny tight tiny asses and then there was me.

I waltzed in and did not look at anyone, I felt people looking. You know what I am talking about. I heard some girls snicker. I think we have all had that moment.

I found myself a perch where I could sit and smoke and drink my beer until the music moved me to begin shaking my ass.

Then it happened, there was a DJ spinning something with a grinding bassline and a lot of good breaks and I to steal a phrase got it on the floor.

Now I will tell you I love to dance. I have always loved to dance. I'm a fairly good dancer, actually no scratch that. I am a dirty dancer.

Even as a kid my go to moves are quite similar to those I used while dancing for dollars, the kind that involve a lot of my hips and pelvis doing things, attempts to booty shake and if I'm really feeling it a lot of arms in the air, eyes half closed and with a semi-orgasm look on my face.

I had friends who called me that particular stage of dancing my fuck goddess dance.

You get my point.

That night I got there. I found myself a niche on the dancefloor away from some dudebros and somewhat closeish to the little stage. I was in heaven.

Despite my best attempts I saw myself getting laughed at by some girls nearby. One walked by and yelled "You dance like a fucking slut" in my face.

Another yelled behind me to move my fat ass.

I gave no fucks.

And then, something surprising happened during the djs break.

He walked up to me and asked if I wanted to come dance next to the turntables.

In some clubs it is supposedly super awesome to be a dj groupie. I wasn't interested in being a groupie I just wanted to get my booty shake on. He seemed nice enough and I went ahead and took my spot much to the horror of some of the thinner, prettier type girls.

I did my thing.

One of the rare and wonderful things about dancing in clubs is occasionally you find someone in the club who is on your wavelength. I'm not talking about sexytimes, I'm talking about something in your brains and asses connect and you are moving in sync.

The DJ and I had that moment and it was fucking beautiful.

I felt like I was in face some kind of dancing, hip grinding fuck goddess come to Earth to move asses.

I really did.

After his set he and I talked. Turned out that my lack of fawning and as he put it, "juicy" body got his attention. Also he was gay and I'd figured that so there was no rom-com type weirdness.

He got what my ass was saying.

That night I went home drenched in sweat. Not a bit of my make up survived and I had long prior danced away my buzz and I felt wonderful.

Now I will admit that just after the dj's set while I was getting the stink eye from some of the other girls I did indeed engage in some taunting. I did indeed go in the bathroom and shit talk at the girls giving me the side eyed. I probably called someone a skinny bitch.

I did behave like a snotty asshole for a little while.

Looking back, I have come to understand how much I miss that feeling in my life.

I miss invoking my inner no fucks giving self and putting that energy into my body. I miss connecting with all my jiggling parts that way.

In order to remember how that feels, I'm not talking emotionally remember but remember it in my muscles and jiggling ass I think I need to devote more time to dancing at home.

I have been asking myself for the last few years how to dip back into those physical and emotional states. Not just not giving a fuck because we all know I'm good at that.

There is a certain kind of joy that i'm looking for. A very particular place in my heart that translates into how my ass moves.

I'd like to believe that all is not lost. I'd like to believe that as I dance around my apartment much to the amusement of Uniballer that I'll have that magical moment.

I gotta work on it.

The lesson here my friends is this.

Sometimes people are going to stare at you. Maybe because you're fat. Maybe because you have a funny hair cut. Maybe you have jewelry in your face or other places people can see, maybe your skin is a different color, maybe you have on a gothtastic outfit, maybe you're just minding your own damn business.

It's going to happen and I promise it won't ruin your whole world and it doesn't have to ruin your day or time.

The other lesson is that sometimes it's important for our own sanity and good feelings to remember those special moments and recreate them for ourselves independent of what anyone else says.

So as a gift to yourself if you need one, I highly suggest taking a few minutes to really let your body remember and inhabit feeling good and giving no fucks.

If that means you sit still, or dance like I do, maybe you want to do your favorite yoga pose or stand a certain way. Whatever it is, you do it. You do it and you own it because it's yours.

That's all for now.

Homo Out.


Anonymous said...

You know -- I've never had this Give No Fucks feeling you speak of. I am very good at pretending I Give No Fucks (I think this attitude requires capitals, because the description sounds so deliciously authoritative and definite), but really? Deep down, I do not feel this way. I am very self-conscious of not drawing attention to myself. I do not feel particularly sexy, though I get hit on with alarming regularity (this is exasperating. I do not like the types who do the hitting on -- their attitude is like a neon sign screaming, "Your fat ass is so desperate you MUST want me; you have no standards so my drain on society ass is attractive to you. Saying no means I'm automatically a lesbian. (well, no, assmunch, I'm actually bi -- but even if I were straight, I am still not interested in you. BUT I DIGRESS.)) no matter what I happen to be wearing that day.

But honestly, I seriously wish I could own my body in that Give No Fucks way, with that complete and juicy enjoyment of every oversized inch of myself.

How does one do that?

Anonymous said...

Start with one feature. Just one. Everybody has at least one feature that even on their worst day they will admit gives them a little somethin' - eyes, skin, lower lip, cute freckles, curve of a shoulder, pretty toes, shiny hair, a kick-ass tattoo... focus on it. Look after it, show it some lurve and appreciation. It is yours, it is awesome. You now acknowledge that you have something awesome. Of your very own. Get comfortable with saying to yourself (yes, out loud) how beautiful/unique/shiny/sparkly/gorgeous your personal awesome is. Even if you can't love every inch of yourself yet, you can damn well love this one awesome bit.

(also, try looking up a mirror meditation called the ruby or garnet dress - it's a way to charge yourself up with beauty and confidence and love before stepping out for the evening).

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