Friday, January 28, 2011

All the fucks I do not give.

Oh my darlings. I'm more not sickly and feeling fancy.

SO I was thinking about some stuff and talking to a friend and came to the most magnificent realization.

I do not give a fuck.

About what? Let me tell you.

I do not give a fuck if anyone thinks I'm hot, what anyone thinks of what I eat or don't eat, how I do or don't exercise, I don't give a fuck if someone walks by me and calls me a fat bitch. I don't care if some jackass moos at me when I walk by.

Not. One. Fuck.

How do I not give a fuck?

It's not easy I will not bullshit y'all because I love you too much to blow smoke up your butt.

Here is my process and I want to share it with you because I'm getting good at it and I frankly feel so much better about myself and my world.

Okay.

So let's say you and I are on the street together and this happens:

Us- talking..perhaps hugging

Random jackass goes by and says: "FAT BITCHES"

Maybe you are really hurt and upset all day and our day together is ruined. Maybe you cry, maybe you get really angry. I do not give a fuck about what random jackhole says.

When someone does something or says something that upsets me I think about it like this. Does this person hve any real effect on my universe? Does this person actually (and this is the hard part) matter to me?

This is why it's hard. Especially (in my opinion) for people who have issues with wanting to be liked or who try really hard to be nice. For people who like me pretty much love everyone until there's reason not to.

If the answer to either of those questions is no, then why give a fuck? Really ask yourself hell ask me if you want to, why does this person who does not know me, why does their opinion of me matter?

Start learning how to peel away the bullshit. ANd I mean all the bullshit we're trained to keep in our heads. You have to be nice, you have to be liked, you have to be hot blablablabla.

At the end of the day you don't.

Next thing I do is that I remind myself that it is my fucking Universe. And once I realized that the only person who can change my Universe or make My Universe a better place is me. I refuse to give anyone else the power over me to ruin my Universe.

Which leads to me disengaging from bullshit.

I have come to finally accept and embrace the fact that I am a sensitive, gooey centered creature. It is really easy for me to take the bullshit to heart and be in pain. It's easy for me to want so badly to be a voice of reason and education and all that. And when it's been rebuffed, and believe it has been, it's easy for me to feel rejected and awful.

I felt that way, I lived in that for a long time.And here's what happened. I would get hurt, feel awful, get down on myself, get angry that I was down on myself rinse repeat.

I am still often an angry person. The difference is that I have learned (am still learning) when to just say, I do not give a fuck.

I know that this can sound harsh to some folks. You don't want to go all the way there but I dare you, just once in the next month to sit down, work it out and say I do not give a fuck.

Stick your nose in the air, get your strut on and feel free to talk about all the fucks you do not give.

There is emancipation in it. There is freedom. There is liberation in embracing just how many fucks you do not give.

Then, let's level up shall we?

Level Up-

Learning how to say calmly and politely when someone says "You fat bitch" (or insert X thing that fucks you up here): I do not give a fuck what you say.

You don't have to say that exactly. I myself have many responses that completely get the point across.

There is the single eyebrow raise and dead silence. I am very good at that one. It is an unexpected reaction when someone is trying really hard to fuck up your universe. I will straight up stare until the person goes away or shuts the fuck up.

I have been known to respond to "You're ugly" or things like that with a cheerful and exuberant "GREAT." because if I'm not trying to touch that persons pants surprises, why do I care?

I don't care.

I think back to all the people who've called me ugly. Who've told me that I'm "sorta" cute, that they don't like me, that they think I'm a stupid bitch, all the eleventy million reasons someone might to dislike or hate me. The bare bones truth is that 98% of those people are not on my radar.

They aren't people I love. They aren't people who love me. They are random speedbumps, and once I get past them I keep rolling.

I decide who gets to make an impact on my life. No one else does.

So my darlings, I implore you to grow your I do not give a fuck muscles big and strong. I encourage you, if you are someone who engages in shaming behavior even on a small scale to take a second and wonder to yourself if this person needs to give a fuck about what you have to say.

Before you admonish someone for smoking, wearing booty shorts in public, for shaving, for not wearing make up, for being gay, for being whatever thing you don't like, remind yourself that this person may not give a fuck about what you are trying to say.

More so if you can't come from an honestly caring loving place. If you can't respectfully say to me, hey are you doing okay it looks like you're gaining weight..and then wait to really hear my response I'm not gonna give a fuck.

I refuse, REFUSE to give my fucks to people that I know don't care about me one way or another. I refuse to give my fucks to people who just want to piss in my Cheerios because they are miserable. I refuse to give my fucks to anyone who wouldn't give enough of a fuck about me to maybe let me make my own mistakes and keep loving me anyway.

There you have it.

This entry is about all the fucks I do not give. It is dedicated to myself because sometimes I forget these things and spend too much time letting other people fuck up my day.

This entry is for you because maybe nobody has ever given you teh permission you need to not give a fuck. Consider this your green light.

And it's for those people who pretend to care so they can make their shitty comments. We're on to you and many of us do not give a fuck.

And Fucks we do not give.

That's all.

I love you my homies. Also, Air- thank you. Thank you so much.

Homo Out.
Share/Bookmark

Monday, January 24, 2011

Sexy? Yes please kthnks.

Okay so I've been sick as a damn dog. My head has been invaded by cooties of an extreme nature that led to me sleeping more than 10 hours straight more than one day in a row.

So now that I feel mostly better I want to get my perv on a little bit and talk about people I find to be The Sexy.

First up my friend Clint Catalyst.

I have not known Clint for that long but have long carried a torch for him. It began as an intellectual affair, I believe I read a piece of his in the Noirotica series and watched for his stuff since then. And then came the internets and I don't even know how we started talking but there you go. Clint is not only gorgeous as you'll see in a minute but (and here you must imagine me using my Lil ole grandma voice) he is such a nice boy.


AM I right or am I right. Look at that pretty face.

Also on my list right now?

Marianne Kirby.

You know Marianne as the hot blogger from The Rotund. If you aren't reading her blog go read it right damn now. Also, Marianne is hot. She is smart. Which we all know I kinda really love also, hot. No seriously. Let it be publicly declared that I have a little ladycrush on Marianne.

I don't have pics for everyone so you'll just have to visit her blog to see her wonderfulness.

Next my lovely wonderful friend Sarah. I've mentioned Sarah before and we all know how I feel about smart, beautiful, talented women so we know why I love her yes? Of course you do and if you don't go pick up one of her books. Also seriously, tattoos, big gorgeous smile, um..knees hi they get weak.

My point here aside from indulging in a moment of internets ogling is this.

I love a lot of people for a lot of reasons. I think there is so much wonderfulness and beauty in the world.

These three very different people have been lovely to me in different ways and I am so thankful that they are in the universe and in my universe.

Sometimes life is really shit. It is. People are mean, they say bad things that hurt my feelings. People often dishearten me and make me feel like speaking is futile. Sometimes I feel small and absolutely inconsequential.

And then, (wait wait hang in there while I get my hippy on) I remember (or discover) how many really wonderful beautiful people there are in the world.

For every person that sucks there's a person who is fucking awesome.

This is where I tell you my homies that sometimes, yes sometimes we have to turn our backs on the bastards and circle the wagons with the people we think are awesome.

Whether it's the Fatosphere you turn to, or twitter, or facebook or where ever.

I think with our fancy internets and fancy internets communities it's extremely important for a lot of us who tend to be on the loner side, or are shy or not good at dealing with people to remember that there are wonderful people and sometimes all it takes is saying, oh hi I think you're cool.

For me it's an important part of supporting my own well being to remember that people like Clint, Marianne and Sarah.

So go forth, go to their links and then go to their friends links because there is awesomeness out there.

Now my darlings, tell me who do you just adore? Give me links. Show me videos, pictures whatever. Your friends are my friends.

Homo Out.
Share/Bookmark

Sunday, January 23, 2011

What is this shit?

Okay I'm finally feeling more human and I have a beef with my ass.

So, since November or so I've been a pretty happy almost size 16 in Old Navy sizes for reference. My ON pants fit nicely, my Torrid size 16 pants fit nicely.

For the last month or so I've had a sneaking suspicion that I have lost weight. Most of my pants no longer fit properly at all and I'm pissed off.

My brand new goddamn pants that I have had only since November can now be slid southward of my ass with very little pressure.

God. Damn. It.

You know, I have thought about things and nothing has changed. I have actually been walking a bit less because of the cold and my knees, my diet hasn't changed. Actually I've been eating a bit junkier than normal so what the shitfuck is going on here?

My weight had been really stable for more than a year. I finally today asked Uniballer if I've lost weight to which he said he thinks so. This makes me nervous for several reasons. 1.) I want a pair of good trousers. 2.) ALL my underpants, my comfortable new underpants are too big.

These are things I can't afford to replace because my metabolism has gone HEY LOOK WHAT I CAN DO.

I'm also a little leery about walking more as the weather gets better. I'd really prefer to stay the size I am plus or minus maybe 5 pounds.

I'm honestly baffled and a tad annoyed. OK more than a tad annoyed. I like knowing exactly what size I am at any given time, it makes thrifting so much easier.

I'm hoping that it's just because I've been sick and busy. Once I settle down let's hope my ass settles down as well.

In other news, Uniballer gave me mighty encouragement and I bought not only two fantastic bras at Fashion bug bu some other clearance items including a super cute plain black stretchy dress.

I highly suggest that everyone who wears lady clothes, sizes 0-30 get thee to your local Fashion bug. There are mad clearance items. I also again recommend getting on their mailing list because you get some awesome coupons.

The next things I need are leggings and tights. I also need to sell my torrid boots because they aren't exactly the look I was going for.

That's all for now my darlings. I finally feel more human so I will be back to puttin the ass in classy this week.

Also there will be some pics.

OH wait, I'm going to be buying some tights and will review them as I get them.

Homo Out.
Share/Bookmark

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Fashion and Fluffery.

I'm still not feeling super awesome. I've been sick so some fluff, fashion.

Can we discuss the things I'm obsessed with right now?

So I just got this skirt, matter of fact it's waiting for me at home right now.


So cute. SO CUTE. This whole new obsession with shades of pink like this is entirely my best friends fault. Prior to our relationship I did not do pink. I liked pink (as in having to do with pussy) but did not wear pink. I have several ideas about what to wear with it. I'm also not really a ruffles person, but these ruffles made me squee.

Apparently my Bat Cave-ness is going through another inexplicable shift.

I'm also sneakily loving things that I kind of really hated when they first started showing up.

Case in point.

We all know I have a troubled relationship with Torrid. Torrid is the worst girlfriend ever but sometimes she's the awesome in the sack girlfriend I keep going back to.


I have been trying to hate those shoes ever since Torrid got them in but I find I want them. I want them bad. They are 28$ which I am pretty sure I can swing. I've been looking for shoes that are not boots for a while and those are super cute. I am on the fence though.

I purchased these boots from Torrid back in November. They are nice boots. A little more Westerny in the fit but super cute and totally not what I was looking for unfortunately. Also I accidentally got a size 8 and they are surprisingly tight for a size 8 and not really all that wide. It's been too long to send them back and I'd like to sell them. Probably for no more than 45$ shipped in the US/Canada 45+shipping to anywhere else. They will probably fit a 7-smaller 8 comfortably unless your feet are actually really wide then don't waste you monies.

What else?

OH my dress lust just keeps getting worse. I want to thrift frocks on Ebay.

More frocks also indicates that I really do need to give in and get some new damn tights. I really want lace leggings as well. I could forgo tights for more leggings until the weather improves but I'm undecided.

If the world were indeed my oyster this full set would be mine. Size and cost be damned.

Rene Dress
$140 - allsaints.com
Sleeveless dresses »

Crafted Lace Dress
5 GBP - republic.co.uk
Lace cocktail dresses »

Mekai Dress
$205 - allsaints.com
All saints dresses »

Anthia Dress
$115 - allsaints.com
Vintage style dresses »

Studio Sweetheart Dress
$140 - modcloth.com
Dresses »

Thalia Dress
$205 - allsaints.com
Sleeveless dresses »


I love those floaty frocks. Most of which I'd go less girly with boots. Docs of course in most cases.

I think I can replicate at least one of those by myself which is great.

However I need some things before I start any serious garment sewing. I need an iron, an ironing board. Also a new chair.

These are things that will be gotten.

Now while we're talking fashion let me show you some of the fashion blogs I'm loving right now.

First up CorpGoth whom I found over on LJ I think. I love how she dresses.

And CaliVintage. I really enjoy the photos. Not my style per se but I find lots of inspiration there.

Despite my semi dislike for Modcloth I do read their blog. Lots of pretty shiny things.

Also lemme give some internets love to Christina in all her hotness over at Musings of Fatshionista. Do love her.

Rebecca over at We Are Large People is adorbs. I really love how she dresses.

Not all these folks are fat and this is perfectly fine with me. If you have some suggestions please tell me. As for me I'm going to finish my tea and count the minutes until I can go home and take my congested self to bed.

Homo Out.
Share/Bookmark

Friday, January 07, 2011

Cranky Black Lady is Cranky,

Okay my darlings.

I have to admit the last few weeks people, White people and mostly White women have said some fucked up shit to me in meatspace.

I will tell you right now, if you are offended by any of this you may want to take a second and think about if you do this to people and why said people (including me) might take offense.

For reference in case you're a new reader. I am a 33 year old Black woman. There is nothing ethnically ambiguous about me. I am chocolatey brown, I am clearly an adult. I have a very set routine five days a week. These things I'm talking about today have come from people who see me basically every day in the context of passing by each other and nodding.

Okay.

So there are a few things I know I have issues with on a personal level including the fact that I look quite young.-

Okay hold up a minute.

I was just talking to my best friend about how I've been feeling lately in regards to my interactions with White people and I had an epiphany.

Over the last say six to eight months I have more often worn a headwrap of some sort. Always plain black either a long one that wraps around my bun on the back of my head or a more kerchief style one.

I put together that roughly, weeks when I've felt like this and had bad interactions with white people, it has been when I've worn a head scarf.

More often than not if I'm not wearing a headscarf I don't get messed with. People don't say inappropriate things to me, I'm fine.

Oh. Shit.

Shit you mother fuckers. First of all, my head wrap is not a hijab, it's not a shayla, it is not an al-amira. And you fucking bigoted pieces of shit.

My immediate thought right now is anger. Anger at the bullshit anger at being stared at and feared not because I did anything to be fearful of but because I'm wearing a head scarf.

Fuck you.

Fuck you running.

Fuck the lady who clutched her purse away from me when I said excuse me as I was trying to walk around her to get to my bus.

Fuck the lady who decided to try and get me to 'Whip my Hair' and was butthurt I was appalled.

Fuck every single mother fucker who even thinks about touching my hair without my permission.

Fuck ever single mother fucker who has told me how well spoken I am or that after talking to me on the phone they wouldn't have guessed I am Black.

Fuck you for being so unable to control yourself that you say whatever the most "black" thing you can think of to me.

Fuck. You.

I am not exotic, I'm not some nameless enemy, I'm not a terrorist, I'm not going to snatch your kid off the bus (to the people who freak out if their baby smiles or waves at me, yes it has happened) I'm not some potential criminal.

Every one of you precious enlightened and oh so liberal Seattleites need to work it the fuck out. And do so away from me.

In case you need some pointers.

You do not get to comment on how I don't dress like "them".
You do not get to lay the burden of your comfort and inability to face your own bias at my feet.
You do not get to pat me on the back like I'm your fucking kid because I'm reading what appears to be a serious book.
You do not get to tell me how "my people" are ever so prone to the diabeetus and high blood pressure that I shouldn't be putting half and half in my coffee or using real sugar.
You do not get to pat yourself on the back for being decent to me.
You do not get to be condescending to me because you think I don't have any money.
You do not get to be ever so amazed that I have read a play or that I know how to do things.

Fuck you.

No really fuck you and your post racial bullshit. Shove it up your ass sideways.

When I say that I feel like something that has been said to me or done in my vicinity is racist, you don't get to tell me I'm being over sensitive. You don't get to tell me that you voted for Obama and expect me to congratulate you on your new found friendly relations with negroes.

I'm done.

I don't want to be kind or understanding about these things anymore because I am too old and too tired to take the tiny hurts and microagressions. Do I let a lot of shit go? Yes I do.

I take it without raging when someone looks at me on the bus as if I just shit in the seat and sits as far as they can away from me and when a seat next to a white person opens up they jump to take it.

I can take it when I am cruised by the police in the neighborhood I've worked in for a decade just after I've almost been run down by cars running red lights.

I can take it when I get the side eye while buying witchy or pagan things.

I can take it when people ask me pointedly if I listen to a certain radio station or ask pointedly what I think of X rapper doing X thing.

I can take a lot. I have taken a lot.

However there is a point where all I can do is say you know what, fuck you.

Fuck you I'm not explaining, I'm not being nice and I'm not putting up with your bullshit.

Fuck.

You.

Is this directed to all White people?

No.

Those of you guilty of these behaviors know and yeah I mean you.

Ugh.

What an awful thing to be thinking about and I'm done.

But know this, I might not yell at you in the street but I know what you're doing and that fuck off look in my eye, yeah. Fuck. Off.

Homo Out.
Share/Bookmark

Monday, January 03, 2011

Every Body is Holy..welcome 2011.

Okay the title there is a reference to one of the things that brings me pure unadulterated joy. Howl by Allen Ginsberg Please take a minute to read it if you never have.

SO. My darlings it's 2011

Quite honestly upon waking on the first my very first thoughts after I went pee were as follows:
Holy shit..holy shit it's 2011. I'm 33 and it's 2011...HOLY SHIT I'M STILL ALIVE MOTHER FUCKERS FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUI

I was so filled with this visceral kind of joy I wanted to run around with a baseball bat smashing windshields and screaming at the top of my lungs.

I realize this may sound anti-joy but it's how I was (am) feeling.

I am so happy that I survived so much bullshit. I want to fuck shit up.

Speaking of fucking shit up can we talk for a second about how much I loathe New Years resolution culture? I really do. I hate the cheerleading of believing that for some reason you just weren't good enough the

Fuck.

Fuck that I'm awesome, you're awesome and how about let's be more awesome in the coming year

Was 2010 all full of win? No.

I had some ideas that failed miserably or that I just could not figure out how to execute. This year I want to be more fearless in working out how I'm expressing myself and whatnot because if I want more love art and beauty god damn it I will make it myself.

To be a bit more clear, I want to get read more. not just my blog here but my work in general. My writing and everything.

EVERYTHING.

ALL. THE. THINGS

Ahem

I'd also like to learn how to buy underpants that are comfortable. I have a panty aversion. I like having pretty underpants but I don't like the actual wearing of underpants. I realized just after Christmas that part of my aversion is not knowing how to buy any that fit.

So I'm going to make that happen.

Also I'm working on doing a porn filled affiliate page of awesome. Fact is I enjoy some really awesome porn and I would like some extra pennies. I'm making a special page and will link when it's ready.

While I'm at my little hustle here, check it out Babeland is having an awesome sale. You'll find the banner for Babeland right there in my sidebar.

Even if I wasn't an affiliate I would still urge y'all to shop there. They are awesome.

So go forth my darlings. Have the most beautiful and love filled year yet. Right now I myself am full of a slight bit of sickness and need to be full of soup.

Tell me about your holidays, did you have any? Did you do something awesome?

What's good and lovely?

Now scuse me, I have soup to eat and liquids to take in.

Homo Out.
Share/Bookmark

Subscribe To My Podcast