First go read this entry by Maymay.
Basically the premise is a conversation about porn aimed at "Ladies" who identify as lady types. From the website Rabbit Writes.
At it’s heart, this is about celebrating pornography and masturbation. It is an opportunity for ladies of all genders (or however you identify) to open up a dialog: What is feminist porn? What is your history with porn? What do you find hot?
And ultimately it’s a dare to share your hot links. Because the more we can openly talk about porn and what we like, the more likely it is that porn for women will continue being made. And really guys have been sharing and recommending porn for ages! So help a sister out.
So immediately on clicking the link I'm confronted by a very typical as Maymay put it beautifully Male Gaze type sexy picture. If I were any sort of porn star or real sex blogger I'd immediately not want to take part.
As Maymay also put it ever so wonderfully (in words I have uttered myself many times)
And, at the risk of sounding exasperated, I am tired of people who like to get off by looking at skinny white women—regardless of whether they are skinny white women themselves—orchestrating conversations about “porn for women.” I am tired of the preponderance of the male gaze in advertising material for sex-positive events and products. And most of all, I am tired of people conflating issues (like gender vs. gaze, in this case) to excuse their own privilege in spaces they say were expressly designed to have that very conversation.
Yes. This entirely.
The fact is that in the more than decade I have studied (no not in college but seriously studied) sexuality, sex and yes the porns I have too many times been the lone non white, usually fat person I am honestly deterred by the inherent promotion of mainstream Western beauty ideals as shown in that type of flyer.
That being what it is if I were doing porn or was in fact an actual sex blogger I would be hesitant about participating. I just would.
I will say again as I have said many times that being a Pretty Thin White Lady is just fine. I know some fine fine Pretty Thin White Ladies. My issue is when that is the only picture of sexuality or arousal that is presented. It leaves room for exoticizing of anyone who isn't that and being that Exotic type can be really exhausting.
Jiz Lee (whom y'all already know I has a mad crush on) said this and I think it sums up what I would also prefer nicely.
Part of me would have preferred the term be “feminist porn day” instead of “lady porn day” — or what I think is perhaps a more accurate term: “ethical porn day”. Because I feel that in essence, that is what is at the heart of Rachel’s project. People of all genders and sexual orientations — and this includes ethnicities, size, ability, kinks/desires — can find problematic issues within pornography in need of discussion, as well as can celebrate the porn they’ve found that works for them in a healthy way.
Now the reason I am participating in this despite my non porn star and/or awesome sex blogger status is because I think it's important for women, feminists, ladies, trans folks everyone basically to have this dialogue in an atmosphere that won't say OMG EW YOU LIKE PORNS.
Tiara the Merch Girl (whom I also have a mad crush on..okay yes I have crushes on everyone sue me) said this which struck a chord with me:
Conversations like these are important not just to share women-friendly porn, but to also find ways to provide avenues for people outside privilege to be able to express and explore their sexuality, however open or private they want to, in whatever form, without judgement or scorn. A discussion about porn and feminism is also a discussion about sexuality and feminism, about women’s rights to have complete and total ownership over their bodies and what they want to do with them.
There was a time when I was younger when had I known about ethical porn like CrashPad etc (see links at Jiz's blog) I would have been a queer porn queen. No doubt about it. In those years that is what I was searching for. I wanted to fill the space of fat black queer girls in porn that was made for them and people who enjoy them and not for the typical mainstream porn audience.
I felt, shit I still feel like there is so much possibility and wonderful things that can come from ethical pornography and adult entertainment. I firmly believe that when people have the opportunity to move in a community that not only respects them but pays them and loves them and supports them, excellent things can happen.
I myself remember the first time I saw a porny photograph of a fat girl that didn't strike me as being facetious or more fat fetish oriented I was amazed and so elated. It wasn't OH HAY LOOKIT THIS FAT CHICK, it was OH HAY LOOKIT THIS GORGEOUS WOMAN and for me there was a huge difference.
I'm not saying that fat fetishism is bad or wrong it's just not my bag.
I still find myself turned on and feeling fine when I see non mainstream people doing the damn thing in the ethical porn industry. I get excited when I see people like Courtney Trouble doing the DAMN THING.
Back to Lady Porn Day specifically.
The thing about events like this often is that I am not always in the mood to put myself into a community where there is no mirror. Where I am the only Fat Black Girl. I have spent a lot of time in my life doing that and being the brave face. Getting the side eye, being exoticized, being in the position of trying so hard to be the Educating Ever Patient Wise Negress.
There can be a lot of pressure to be graceful and willing to engage about things like privilege. There can be a lot of pressure to put up with things because the conversation about privilege is new in a particular space and while I may be old hat at it some folks aren't. It's hard.
It's hard and regardless of how much something might mean to me, or how cool I think it is or how much I think I could have a positive impact sometimes it is just too exhausting.
I have so much other shit to worry about I don't always have the energy.
So now comes more links and I won't even tell you that yes, they too will be NSFW.
Yet another of my mad crushes has two entries up. Go read them they are both good, by Remittance Girl.
Go read Clarisse Thorn's entry. I haven't been reading her blog all that long but I really enjoy it.
Check out Kelly Diels as well. Also read her regularly. No seriously do it.
That's all I've got for now. What do you think? What's your favorite porn?