Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Lady Porn Day.

Via Molly over on Tumblr I've been reading around about it being Lady Porn day and thought I'd give my four cents.

First go read this entry by Maymay.

Basically the premise is a conversation about porn aimed at "Ladies" who identify as lady types. From the website Rabbit Writes.

At it’s heart, this is about celebrating pornography and masturbation. It is an opportunity for ladies of all genders (or however you identify) to open up a dialog: What is feminist porn? What is your history with porn? What do you find hot?

And ultimately it’s a dare to share your hot links. Because the more we can openly talk about porn and what we like, the more likely it is that porn for women will continue being made. And really guys have been sharing and recommending porn for ages! So help a sister out.

So immediately on clicking the link I'm confronted by a very typical as Maymay put it beautifully Male Gaze type sexy picture. If I were any sort of porn star or real sex blogger I'd immediately not want to take part.

As Maymay also put it ever so wonderfully (in words I have uttered myself many times)
And, at the risk of sounding exasperated, I am tired of people who like to get off by looking at skinny white women—regardless of whether they are skinny white women themselves—orchestrating conversations about “porn for women.” I am tired of the preponderance of the male gaze in advertising material for sex-positive events and products. And most of all, I am tired of people conflating issues (like gender vs. gaze, in this case) to excuse their own privilege in spaces they say were expressly designed to have that very conversation.

Yes. This entirely.

The fact is that in the more than decade I have studied (no not in college but seriously studied) sexuality, sex and yes the porns I have too many times been the lone non white, usually fat person I am honestly deterred by the inherent promotion of mainstream Western beauty ideals as shown in that type of flyer.

That being what it is if I were doing porn or was in fact an actual sex blogger I would be hesitant about participating. I just would.

I will say again as I have said many times that being a Pretty Thin White Lady is just fine. I know some fine fine Pretty Thin White Ladies. My issue is when that is the only picture of sexuality or arousal that is presented. It leaves room for exoticizing of anyone who isn't that and being that Exotic type can be really exhausting.

Jiz Lee (whom y'all already know I has a mad crush on) said this and I think it sums up what I would also prefer nicely.

Part of me would have preferred the term be “feminist porn day” instead of “lady porn day” — or what I think is perhaps a more accurate term: “ethical porn day”. Because I feel that in essence, that is what is at the heart of Rachel’s project. People of all genders and sexual orientations — and this includes ethnicities, size, ability, kinks/desires — can find problematic issues within pornography in need of discussion, as well as can celebrate the porn they’ve found that works for them in a healthy way.

Now the reason I am participating in this despite my non porn star and/or awesome sex blogger status is because I think it's important for women, feminists, ladies, trans folks everyone basically to have this dialogue in an atmosphere that won't say OMG EW YOU LIKE PORNS.

Tiara the Merch Girl (whom I also have a mad crush on..okay yes I have crushes on everyone sue me) said this which struck a chord with me:
Conversations like these are important not just to share women-friendly porn, but to also find ways to provide avenues for people outside privilege to be able to express and explore their sexuality, however open or private they want to, in whatever form, without judgement or scorn. A discussion about porn and feminism is also a discussion about sexuality and feminism, about women’s rights to have complete and total ownership over their bodies and what they want to do with them.

There was a time when I was younger when had I known about ethical porn like CrashPad etc (see links at Jiz's blog) I would have been a queer porn queen. No doubt about it. In those years that is what I was searching for. I wanted to fill the space of fat black queer girls in porn that was made for them and people who enjoy them and not for the typical mainstream porn audience.

I felt, shit I still feel like there is so much possibility and wonderful things that can come from ethical pornography and adult entertainment. I firmly believe that when people have the opportunity to move in a community that not only respects them but pays them and loves them and supports them, excellent things can happen.

I myself remember the first time I saw a porny photograph of a fat girl that didn't strike me as being facetious or more fat fetish oriented I was amazed and so elated. It wasn't OH HAY LOOKIT THIS FAT CHICK, it was OH HAY LOOKIT THIS GORGEOUS WOMAN and for me there was a huge difference.

I'm not saying that fat fetishism is bad or wrong it's just not my bag.

I still find myself turned on and feeling fine when I see non mainstream people doing the damn thing in the ethical porn industry. I get excited when I see people like Courtney Trouble doing the DAMN THING.

Back to Lady Porn Day specifically.

The thing about events like this often is that I am not always in the mood to put myself into a community where there is no mirror. Where I am the only Fat Black Girl. I have spent a lot of time in my life doing that and being the brave face. Getting the side eye, being exoticized, being in the position of trying so hard to be the Educating Ever Patient Wise Negress.

There can be a lot of pressure to be graceful and willing to engage about things like privilege. There can be a lot of pressure to put up with things because the conversation about privilege is new in a particular space and while I may be old hat at it some folks aren't. It's hard.

It's hard and regardless of how much something might mean to me, or how cool I think it is or how much I think I could have a positive impact sometimes it is just too exhausting.

I have so much other shit to worry about I don't always have the energy.

So now comes more links and I won't even tell you that yes, they too will be NSFW.

Yet another of my mad crushes has two entries up. Go read them they are both good, by Remittance Girl.

Go read Clarisse Thorn's entry. I haven't been reading her blog all that long but I really enjoy it.

Check out Kelly Diels as well. Also read her regularly. No seriously do it.

That's all I've got for now. What do you think? What's your favorite porn?
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Thursday, February 17, 2011

Thrifting, the follow up remix.

I got some fantastic questions to answer about thrifting on the internets so let's go.

One of the mot common questions has to do with things individual bodies need. I have X thing and that's why things don't fit me so what do I do.

Ready?

Ask for the measurements you need. If you know that the width of your shoulders can be an issue ask for shoulder measurements. Add that measurement to your list of other measurements.

Have super long legs? Ask for inseams.

Really tiny boobs? Ask for bust measurements.

Every body has different needs and once you identify what you need in a garment to make it fit right you are miles ahead of things.

The other theme of questions is from people at either extreme end of the size spectrum.

Here's the thing.

When it comes to being either really tiny or really fat you're going to have a harder time finding used clothing because people in those size ranges will hang onto clothing and wear the fuck out of it.

That's just how it is.

This is one of those intersectional holy shit this happens to EVERYONE moments.

So if you have specific size needs whether they are because you are a fat ass or a tiny ass, you're just going to have to spend some more time.

Also when you have those needs you may have to do a little more to figure out what fits you in a pleasing manner and what doesn't. Maybe you are a wide hipped size 30 so you want your skirts or pants in a certain cut. Maybe you're a big titty size 0 and need to find shirts that will cover your boobs without drowning your wee torso.

Those are things I can't tell you how to figure out because my body isn't yours and my tastes aren't yours.

I can only lead you towards some things to try out. Also Lindsay, I'd say take your favorite shirt and measure both the bust and shoulders and look at how it's cut and the material and the size to figure out what size in inches you need to attain that fit. Remember, different fabrics with more or less stretch will measure differently so take that into account when you buy stuff.

I also got a message from a tumblr homie wanting to know what to do when you get discouraged.

Welcome to my life y'all. Being that I reside on the Goth side of the fence most of the time I see eleventy million things that would work so well in my wardrobe, in my budget and would look fantastic on me but, they are almost 90% of the time not going to fit me ever.

Sometimes I get discouraged enough to think maybe I should just forget my aesthetics and wear khakis and tshirts.

Then I reel in my butthurt and put my foot down. Nobody can make it happen for me I have to make it happen for myself.

If that means I spend hours combing the intertubes for that perfect black skirt or if I buy a size too big or a half size too small and work it out that's what I do.

The biggest key to successfully outfitting yourself on a small budget is determination and stick to itness.

One of the other keys to success is being willing to work with what you can find. Maybe a garment isn't the one but if you like it enough to buy it make it work.

Another tip I have is to learn some basic hand sewing skills. Learn how to replace buttons and zippers, repair hems. The internet is a vast place and with a little time and a few dollars spent on needles and thread you can maybe turn that semi cute cardigan into something you love with new buttons or a patch or something.

There are precisely forty seven billion different tutorials around the internet for every kind of learner for everything you might want to do. Videos, blogs, websites, you name it. You just have to sit down and spend some time.

The most expensive resource I use is time. I've realized that my desire to wear things I like is valuable enough that I spend my time working on it.

A few other tips. If you have some things that are super hard to fit yourself for or things that you absolutely must have be super top quality save up your money for that. How I do it is if I have say 10$ to spend I will save out 2 or so for later quality item finding.

I also sale/clearance stalk like hell. If I see say a pair of shoes that I want but don't really need at that moment I will check on them until they go on sale or I have enough money to pay full price. It's nerve wracking and sometimes I miss out but I have saved a lot of money that way.

Also sign up for email alerts from retailers you know you like the clothing from. If you don't want a lot of extra mail create an email address just for store newsletters. I have outfitted both Uniballer and myself in brand new from the store things many times with special email coupons so do it it can be well worth it.

Now my darlings I'm all out of shopping advice for now. Tomorrow I'll be talking about feminism and how feminists can make the conversation and action better.

Or I might hold onto that one and talk about it next week.

So, do you have more shopping questions? Tales of Epic Thrifts of Win?

Advice?

Have at it my homies.

Homo Out.
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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

How I thrift. A guide for asses of all sizes.

Okay y'all.

Here is the situation. I have been on a mission to make pants the least part of my wardrobe. We know I don't have a whole lot of money for clothes so I thrift and most of it is on the internets. Today I am going to give you my secrets for not only having some extra $$, but how to search for interesting things and how to bid so you're not always disappointed. We're going to focus on Ebay.

Now let me reiterate that this advice is not fatty exclusive. This is advice I would give to any one of any size. This isn't so much about size as it is money. Also

I will indicate when advice is for a particular body type or any extra tidbits of advise based on size. Ready GO GO GO GO.

First rule of fight club..er thrifting is that thou shalt know thy measurements or a rough estimate of thy measurements. If for whatever reason you cannot tolerate knowing your actual physical measurements measure the garments you own that fit you the way you like and use those as a loose estimate.

You will need to at some point buy a tape measure. Most areas have them at the drug store for about a dollar.

Second thing you need to learn is that the trend right now is for sellers to use flat measurements. When something is flat measured to get the circumference multiply by 2. For instance if something says it is 17" flat across the waist this means that it's 34".

Here is a place to pause. Personally because of the way I like to wear clothes and my body shape I prefer things that are stretchy which, online thrifting works best for. I also recommend stretchy things for skirts if you wear them. The thing I love about elastic waist skirts in particular is that depending on the stretch and cut I can easily buy a bigger variety of sizes.

To figure out how well you might be able to fit something don't be afraid to ask the following questions.

1.) What are the stretched measurements?

If you have a bigger bottom always make sure to get hip measurements. If you carry more of your weight in your belly ask for both length and max stretch.

My next bit of advice is this. Don't be afraid to try something new. Maybe you spot an awesome skirt or pair of pants that is a good price. Worst case scenario you're out five dollars or six and you don't like it. Hold onto that stuff.

For me I have a very firm idea of the basics of what I do and don't like.

Also check out the things you already have that you like. Are you partial to tee shirts from Target? Are most of the things you like made out of one kind of material? I am highly absent minded so I quite literally have a list that I keep on my desktop with sizing for go to brands, are there certain shapes you prefer? Make notes.

Okay now I'll use myself as an example.

I'll use my own notes as an example.

I know that I really love tees from Old Navy and Target. I also know that depending on winter or summer I can wear anywhere from a medium up through an XXL/1X. What size I get depends entirely on how I want it to fit.

In the winter months most ON and Target tees are baggier to be used for layering purposes. So this means that if you are say a size 2X normally, it is possible that an XXL will fit you like a tee that is supposed to be baggy for layering.

If you're a smaller person make sure you ask to make sure measurements are unstretched so they won't be too big.

Next thing let's discuss search terms.

Especially with Ebay it pays to be creative.

For me I tend to search this way, we'll use skirts as an example.

I use the general search box and type in skirts. Elven million results. Next I refine my search by womens skirts and then I use the choose more features to choose sizes. Normally I will choose everything from medium to XXL, 12,14,16, 0X, 1X, 2X.

I do this because we all know that there are no standard sizings. Within those size ranges there are possibilities for me.

Let's pause here again and talk about something. If it takes a while to find your size regardless of what your size is 0-32 it's not a statement on the awesomeness of your ass. It's just not so don't even start thinking about it that way.

Here's something ebay does that I find helpful. You can often narrow your search enough to find specific cuts, lengths and fabrics. A lot of what you'll find with specific search criteria such as color or fabric is going to depend on what terms sellers are using.

I personally like to keep it a little more general because some of my recent gems have been labeled very simply.

Next learn to scroll quick and have a good eye. I work my mouse wheel and open things I might like in a new tab to save time.

Now once you find things use your watch list. Don't make decisions right away. if you think you like it watch it.

I use my watch list for several reasons. I price compare, I compare what I do and don't really want and I keep my eye on things that I might want if no one else buys them.

I also keep my watchlist stocked because if an auction isn't buy it now I don't do high maximum bids. Unless I really -really- want something I don't bid more than 10 dollars so I lose out on a lot of items. I win too because I have a lot of things and options that I like.

So basically it comes down to know what you like, know your measurements, use your watchlist and also make sure you check shipping fees.

Some sellers do charge some bullshit shipping and I won't buy something with ridiculous shipping. Most don't but some do.

If you're on a super tight budget like I am I have a couple of resources I use when I really need a few extra dollars in my paypal.

If you have good grammar and can write a bit try out www.textbroker.com (see, not an affiliate link) basically you write small to medium sized articles for a bit of money. It's not a lot but it's not a lot of effort. In one month before when I did a few articles a week i made about 30$ which bought me make up.

Now here's where the things you purchased and maybe didn't like works out. Resell them. I would really like to see more plus sized folks doing this. If you get something that's fabulous but doesn't work for you pass it on to another fatty. Also I understand everyone wants to make a profit but it would help if you are realistic in your pricing.

For instance you know what, if you know damn well that an item was at Torrid three months ago and the last price was 20$ charging 50 is just assy.

Now my other strategy is that I set aside for months sometimes. I'm talking change, a dollar here a dollar there. You can buy via a company called Greendot money packs. So fill up your change jar or whatever, buy yourself a moneypack and voila, you can instantly load it into your paypal account without dipping into the bank.

If you blog you can have a donate button. I have gotten some donations(and those of you who donated again let me tell you how really amazing that is to me and thank you again) and yeah it's not much but it's something.

Now what do I save my money for?

I will drop the bucks on boots. I love boots and have a hard time buying them so I will much as it pains me to do so spend the big bucks. I will pay more for things like bras or things that I need to be really sturdy or that I know I'm going to have to try on. Pants for instance. I also don't buy random hosiery because often the sizes are off so I skip that.

So there you have the secret to my current spate of wardrobe refitting.

Questions? Concerns? Do you have further suggestions?

BRING IT MY HOMIES.

HOmo Out.

PS..I'm going to try really hard to document some of my more Springy outfits when it's time. I may be getting a new phone instead of contacts for my birthday and the phone I want has a better camera than the one I have now. Fingers crossed y'all.
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Saturday, February 12, 2011

Stay Alive- The Aging edition.

So taking a wee break from the self esteem thing I want to talk about aging because my birthday is next month.

On March 16 at 12:04 AM I will be 34 years of age.

I am almost officially in my mid-thirties. I'm a real grown up lady now.

I'm at the age where I'm relentlessly told how worried I should be. Wrinkles, my ass, appearing that I've ceased to age or never aged at all. etc etc etc.

Frankly I think it's all bullshit.

First of all I find it more than unnatural and frankly disconcerting when people show no signs of age. It just freaks me out.

Secondly I'm really fucking happy to have some crows feet and a sign that I have experienced things and that I am not the same as I was at 25 or 19.

Thirdly and most importantly I am Still Alive.

There have been many times in my life where I didn't honestly think I'd made it. Dangerous situations, depression that made me too depressed to be actively suicidal, drug use, and a complete disregard for my own life.

I fucking made it.

I am STILL ALIVE.

I have grown into a woman who was in there when I was 4 years old and putting on make up so I could have a glamor show in my bedroom. When I was 8 years old and threw a temper tantrum because my Mom wanted me to wear pants instead of the ditsy print dress and white tights that I loved. The same woman who was in there when I was given my first wig by a pair of beloved drag queens.

And the thing is I can see the future.

Seeing my own future is something that even three years ago I couldn't fathom.

Now I can see that I am going to get older and then I'll be old and it is the best fucking feeling because that means I will Stay Alive.

I will be alive when I'm 40 and if my hair is as long as I would like, will be shaving half my head in celebration or going blonde or something.

I will be alive when I'm 50.

I will be alive and a little old lady who walks in the grocery store and catcalls cute boys while wearing a crooked wig and probably a ball gown because at that age I fucking can because fuck you I'm old.

I realize that I cannot know that I will see these ages with any certainty. What I do know is that I will work (and sometimes it's really fucking hard) to see those ages.

As I get older I feel more and more validated in my rejection of certain things. I am comfortable in my rejection of mainstream beauty ideals. I'm comfortable rejecting a feminism that would shame me for my positions on things like sex work or would ignore me because of the color of my skin. I am comfortable disbelieving the hype about obesity.

I am comfortable in realizing that I don't have to trust the medical industrial complex. I do not have to buy their bullshit. I can fight for my health on my terms.

When I notice things about my body changing sometimes I admit I'm a little pissed off. My periods have gotten to be more of a hassle as I've gotten older. It's harder for me to recoup when I've been ill. I have had to change my diet to accommodate things my body doesn't approve of.

Sometimes these things suck.

Most of the time they are reminders (as hard as they can be) that I am Still Alive.

So what next?

For my birthday I'm not into huge celebrations. Most likely I'll get new contacts and then Uniballer and I can go out to dinner.

If anyone is so inclined to give me something for my birthday my Amazon wishlist is here or feel free to send me a dollar via paypal. Or write me a blog post and link me to it. Fair warning Amazon has some stuff on it that is through third party sites and I dunno how that shit works.

Take a picture of something you love and show me. Whatever moves you.

Now I have srs business things to do today. Including eating some awesome granola, drinking some fantastic coffee and finishing some other writing.

I love you my homies and haters.

Homo Out.

PS, I think I'm going to be hennaing my hair tomorrow so I might make a post I might not.
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Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Looking inward to feel better.

Oh my darlings. I have more important sexy things to talk about.

A new homie from Tumblr and a regular reader asked me basically the same thing. Basically both questions come down to this:

What advice would you give someone who is kind of ashamed of how they look?

So I will warn you this one might get rough y'all. I fully endorse you getting a tissue or saving this for later if you need to gird your emotional loins.

I'm also fairly certain that this will wind up being multiple posts so I don't write a freaking book here.

For context here are some trufax. I have not always felt good bout myself, I am not bullet proof in my sense of self or my self esteem.

First I'd like to share with you my first memory of feeling abject shame about my appearance.

I was in elementary school and there was some note passing game going around. Not quite a slam book but close enough. Someone I don't know who noted that I was ugly. Not just ugly but UGLY.

I was just a baby and I took it very personally in a way I did not understand. Prior to that my main concern about my appearance was not wanting to wear pants ever and to get to wear my pretty dresses whenever I goddamn felt like it. (Yes, I'm almost 34 years old and this has not changed) I was so hurt and I started looking around at the other girls.

For reference I wasn't really a chubby kid. I was actually slightly undersized as I did not grow as quickly as my peers. I was sturdy. Even then I had big strong thighs, I usually wore my hair in little Black girl fat twists, pigtails etc. I spent summers running around a lot outside and laying in the sun trying to get dark. Prior to that I felt fine. I often felt fancy.

Let's pause there for a second.

Here is where things start to go bad for a lot of us, someone says something that might not even be all that serious. Maybe it's an offhand remark about a bit butt or a family member teasing about a tummy. Tiny comments that become insidious ear worms that play over and over again in our heads.

Moving along.

As I got older I became (as these things go) hyper aware of my ugliness. I decided quite consciously that okay, I was ugly and there wasn't anything I could do about it so I did other things. When I was complimented I assumed I was being made fun of or that people were just being "nice".

When I compared myself to my peers I was not pretty in the same way they were. I was not tallish, I barely had hips, my thighs touched, I was entirely different and in my mind irredeemably unattractive.

Fast forward to young adulthood. I went from the beginnings of learning how not to give a fuck to active loathing. Over time what happened was that I was often really effusive and made it a point to tell people when I thought they were beautiful but, as both my tumblr and my regular reader homie have asked I couldn't see it in myself.

As I talked about in this entry, it got to the point where my loathing of my own body started to become entirely too apparent and made interpersonal relationships difficult.

I think that anyone who has ever had issues with how they view themselves knows what can happen so let's not rehash that. Let's get to talking about learning to move beyond it.

Let's establish a couple of things that I believe. I believe that barring specific individual mental illness issues, low self esteem is learned and reinforced by a lot of things. By other people, by our own inner monologues, by the media we consume, by the things we're surrounded with. We are constantly taught and praised for finding things wrong with ourselves so we have to start there.

I'm giving you the bootcamp version of how I have dealt with this over the years and it's hard. It's really fucking hard and it takes years sometimes to feel free but the feeling doesn't last and it's something I've had to work on a lot. Here we go.

First thing is forgive yourself for feeling this way. It's really hard to be as kind and loving to yourself as you can be to other people. You have to decide that you are important and you need some care.

Once you do this, start remembering to not beat yourself up about it because it will turn into a circle jerk of awful. Practice telling yourself, I mean say it out loud, write it down make it tangible, tell yourself hey, self it's okay.

The fact is, it is okay. You and I are both human and we human beings fuck up a lot. So it's natural that sometimes we can be the biggest assholes to ourselves.

As you get the hang of that start breaking down those expectations you have of yourself but no one else. For me a lot of my issues with my own appearance have come down to me expecting myself to be some flawless ideal and yet the things I love about other people are the flaws and little weird things.

Basically at some point when I was in my early 20's it struck me that I am not so special that I must be held to some standard that never seemed to apply to other people in my mind.

There is nothing so extraordinary about you or me that means that we're not the same as every other human being. And if I don't expect other human beings to live up to certain standards why would I ever think I need that standard? What put me on such a pedestal?

Okay let's wrap it up for today here. I really would like those of you who are down to think on these things.

Absorb them. Feel free to ask questions.

Homo Out.
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Tuesday, February 08, 2011

The first time I got on top.

Okay so today my darlings I'm going to tell you a sexy story. And if kinky freaks you out skip it.

Get a cuppa, take your parts off, have a cookie do whatever makes you feel fancy and prepare.

When I was 22 years old I got on top for the first time.

By that age I'd had a lot of sex. A lot of different sex, I'd done a lot of things that most of my peers didn't even know existed. I was seated firmly in my own sexual power except I would not get on top.

I had been tied up and ass fucked by an evil* man with an insane ability to tie me into fat girl knots of want.

I had tag team dominated a woman and been gotten off while she wept.

Everything so was beautiful and electrifying. I explored limits, I figured out that far prefer a good mind fuck by a top than anything else, I figured out that I can be evil and dangerous with a cock and it was all wonderful.

Right around that time I was sleeping with a mostly gay man (whole other entry/really long story full of debauchery and leather Daddies) and I found that awful hard limit.

(For the non kinky a hard limit is one of those places that you will not or will with only lots of negotiation etc go)

I would not get on top.

I was too embarrassed by the way my stomach jiggled. I didn't want him to see my stretch marks, I didn't want him to see that from that angle I couldn't position myself to look smaller, thinner, more toned. I couldn't tell him that either. I was too embarrassed.

I was too ashamed to tell this man these things.

I was ashamed to tell this man who had gently instructed me on how to be a cocksman, he taught me where to put my knee in someones back to hold them down if they were bigger than me. He shaved my pubic hair with a straight razor and I was too afraid to tell him I was afraid that he wouldn't want me anymore if he saw me on top.

Around this time I had resumed my habit of doing an obsessive number of crunches and other ab exercises. I thought I could firm things up before the question came up but I discovered quickly that my body doesn't work that way.

At some point, during a scene he told me to get on top of him and I said no. It was a strange moment, I barked the word as if he'd poked me with something sharp. I went dry and shook my head.

There was some tussling, there was some hair pulling. There was crying. I'm not a big crier but it happened and finally I confessed. I was embarrassed about my jiggling belly and my stretchmarks and the fold of skin at my waist and after more tears it came down to me being afraid that suddenly he would no longer want me.

Now this may not be how a lot of us get the point. That man tied my hands behind my back and waved his hard cock in my face. He pointed with it at me and just waited for me to get it.

I got it.

Here's the lesson here darlings. If someone wants you chances are they aren't going to suddenly look at you and say, HOLY SHIT YOU'RE FAT I AM PUTTING MY JUNK AWAY AND GOIN HOME.

Am I saying that you'll never get rejected? Nope you probably will at some point, we all have. I have. Everyone has.

What I am saying is this, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to show yourself to the person(s) you are about to get down with.

Don't be afraid to have someone look at you like you are Mother Fucking Christmas.

To the contrary of what many trolls, internet badasses, bullies and general assholes may say or think, being fat doesn't automatically shove you into the absolutely not to be desire and don't buy into the bullshit that you can't enjoy your sexuality, that you can't be wanted and lusted after because maybe you're a fat ass.

That my darlings is bullshit.

I'm talking to you with the fat ass and stretch marks, with the hairy ass and the cellulite, with the saggy boobs and uneven pecs, you with the thighs that rub together, you with the pimples, you with the crooked teeth, you with the pot belly. I'm talking to all of you.

Now before I go, check it I've updated my author site (it is for my non-blogging/fa writing. Fiction etc) You'll find links to all my available fiction and non fiction AND you'll find my srs business writing blog which I encourage you to come hang out at. Comment frolic.

Okay, your homework my homies is this. Do not let anyone take your fancy. Not one mother fucker.

Homo Out

*I mean evil in the most delicious way.
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Tuesday, February 01, 2011

This again?

So I've been sitting on a comment for quite a while from a previous entry. It is lengthy and well thought out but I decided against approving it.

Basically this person is new to reading Fat Acceptance/Activism blogs and is really upset by the presence of people who are round about my size, that my content is not appropriate to the fat feeds that I am on. In essense this person entirely questions my place here.

Ahem.

I believe this person is working off of some erroneous assumptions so let's get a few things clear.

First of all there are no arbiters of Fat Acceptance. Yes we have famous people who have been on television, written books, have eleventy million blog hits a day and get linked to/from all over the place but nobody makes any ideological rules that everyone abides by.

Second, Fat Activism and participation in Fat Activism in tihs case blogging is not the sole property of only Deathfat or really fucking fat or fat fat fatty fat fat people.

Thirdly, nobody makes you read anything on the internet. Seriously. If you did not like what I had to say you could have moved on to the next fat blog or to google or where ever.

Fourth, (and I should make an about the blogger page so I don't have to keep saying this) this is my personal blog. And being that you did read several entries as you mentioned, I am not a single issue blogger. I have a very intersectional style of blogging. I may talk about sex, I may talk about my own ass, I may talk about fashion, I may publicly declare my love of people on the internets. I may talk about race, privilege, etc. I don't do this because I can't concentrate. I do have a reason and the reason is that I am not fat in a vacuum. I am not Black or Queer in a vacuum. I think about a lot of things. And all of the things I talk about inform my stance on everything and god damn it it's my litterbox and I will pee in it as I see fit.

Fifth, (and I do realize this will sound harsh) it's not my issue that you have problems seeing bodies or hearing the perspective of people who aren't as fat as you are. I would venture to say that, that is an issue you need to work on, on a personal level. I can't make you more comfortable with me being in the Universe.

That's an important thing.

Yes, if you look at fatter bodies when you are a fatter person there is incredible comfort and wonder in that. However I don't think that means it's healthy or good to shut out other body types and sizes because you may have some deeper issues.

Here are some facts about Fat people that you can take to the bank. And I don't generally speak in absolutes but here you go.

First- Fat and the perception of size can be highly dependent on your culture (in a micro sense, as in the world immediately around you). As an example. I had a very good friend who comes from a Cambodian family. Most everyone in her family was naturally very thin or really really thin. She was a size ten or so. In the grand scheme of fat she was not at that time a fat person but, in her immediate culture she was HOLYSHITFAT. Her experience at that time dealing with her family very closely mirrored that of a lot of fat people who's blogs I've read on the fatosphere.

What does this mean? It means that perceptions of what is or isn't fat are not always spot on and applicable to everyone. It means that the fat experience can be way more diverse and wide spread than we like to think. It also means that you, whomever you are don't get to make the rules about fat experience and who talks about it. That's hard I know.

Second- Trufax you don't have to like what I say or how I say it. You don't have to read what I say. As I've said already, go to your upper left corner or your address bar in your browser and go forth to frolic somewhere else. If my experience tooling around the Universe in my particular fat body bothers you, bye. And the same goes for any other fat blog.

Third- The Fatosphere like any loosely organized group of people into a social justice thing is not going to be uniform. Some bloggers focus more on science. Some focus on studies. Some spend a lot of time debunking things. Some people talk about health care. Some people focus on fashion and style. There is no reason or right for anyone to say that any of these subjects just "don't belong" in the movement. None. As I said above, if you're not interested in something you don't have to read it or participate in it.

Now on a personal level, in your comment you said a few times how doubtful you were that I would post the comment and you are right. I didn't post your comment for a few very specific reasons and if you want to participate on blogs I'd like to give you a few tips.

First of all, using dismissive language does not win you respect or points. There was no need to in essence be looking down your nose at my "little thing". That's insulting. In case you do come back i will tell you that I pay for web hosting. I worked very hard to recode this template to my liking. I pay for the domain name. I spend my time and energy putting my words out there.

Second of all, you don't know me. You don't really know or feel what I'm doing here and that's fine. The people who get it get it and the people who don't can ask me about it, can engage with me about it but I'm not going to tolerate being insulted. I don't have to as my last entry states give anyone my fucks if I don't want to.

Third, as I have said many many times when this sort of thing has gone on here's what you do if you are that upset about my presence in the FA community. If you see me linked somewhere, on a feed etc find the contact info for the admin and complain. that's how you do it because frankly I'm not disengaging or going to cease blogging because anyone doesn't like what I have to say.

And lastly, honestly person, having things hard or feeling powerless or feeling picked on etc that doesn't give you license to be an asshole. Being an asshole is not brave it's just being an asshole.

You might be a perfectly nice person who had a moment of bad behavior which happens and I can forgive you for that. Just know that I won't put up with it.

Acceptance Woman sugar I owe you an email and I'm ruminating on it. I didn't forget promise.

I will have some literary news here soon. Also, um okay I may or may not put up one of those chip in things I'm considering it. Don't ask.

Homo Out.
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