Monday, December 17, 2012

How to care.

A lot of people run around every time a fat person says anything screaming about impending doom, expense, using up of medical resources, ad hominem attacks, proclamations of knowing ALL about another human based on some words or a photo under the banner of "I CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH ASSHOLE".

These are people who will run into a fat space (online and off) demanding attention because they care.

In their demonstrations of caring often they start out saying things like, "I'm all for self confidence" or they vomit up the shit that the teevee tells them about the apparent fact that obesity is in fact a worse threat to the planet than anything else.

Okay.

Look, here's the thing and I'm sure some of you people who want to come in and tell me everything that I'm doing wrong in life because you care are reading now.

This is not how to behave in a caring manner.

If you cared about anything other than any number of the following:


  1. Fueling your own self esteem because you are better than someone with a different body.
  2. Trolling because you have nothing better to do.
  3. You believe that if left unchecked fat people will DIE right now, use up all the health care and cost you money.
  4. You believe that you have the special ability to just know everything that might be wrong with someone because you saw their picture on the internet or they walked past you on the street.
  5. You are an asshole.
  6. You have an overinflated sense of entitlement when it comes to bodies that you don't live in.
  7. You are too busy battling obesity to actually understand it.
  8. You are easily led.
  9. You are a diet or exercise guru.
  10. You are making money off of fat peoples misery.
  11. Someone you know and might actually love in a fucked up way might be fat, or kinda fat, or not fat at all except in your head.
Whatever your reason is here's the thing and what makes you look like an asshole and a liar.

If in your version of caring you tell someone what it's like living in their body, or that they are going to die, or that you hope they enjoy their diabetes (something someone sent me after my interview at The Root), you are not being a good person. You are absolutely doing care wrong.

Let's take human bodies out of it for a minute.

Let's pretend like you told me you love dogs and you care about dogs.

If you loved said dogs, if you saw one laying down in a yard not bother you, you know just doing dog things, would you run up and kick it in the face?

If the dog was doing something you found unsightly, say laying with his testicles on view and it grossed you out, would you as a dog lover run over and start yelling at the dog and calling it names?

If you saw someone doing that and you ran over and stopped them and asked why they were screaming at or kicking the dog and they said, because I CARE ABOUT THEM.

Would that seem reasonable to you?

Really.

If I tell you I love you then punch you in the face, would you call that a gesture of love?

As a society we understand what is inappropriate in terms of showing our affections.

We understand that kicking a dog doesn't show love, we understand that hitting each other in the face doesn't show love. We understand that bullying is not good (yes, there's science to back this up), we understand that verbal abuse can have as devastating consequences as physical abuse.

Being that we are so advanced and have science to back up the fact that cruelty to each other, bullying, shaming etc is not really a good thing, why do so many people think that if a person is fat they have carte blanche to forget about these things?

Here's the thing.

Outside of the idea of anonymity because honestly, let's be real people are assholes to fat people anonymous or not, why are people engaging on this behavior at every level from interpersonal to the people charged with looking over our physical health and safety?

Humor has limits.

Let's not pretend that every person who has told me that I"m going to die in a minute from the fat, or the people who told me to enjoy my diabetes or who were personally (yes on a personal level) angry at me after my interview at The Root not because of the content of what I said but because I was saying anything other than, "I'm so awful and ugly I'm losing weight".

I have some things to say to those people, people on the street, doctors, "experts" etc.

First of all stop fronting.

Stop lying because you don't actually care. What you care about might be, being right. You might care about the concept of health care expenses in a vague way, you may care about diseases that frighten you, you may care about your own ass. But you do not care about me in a meaningful way.

The empty proclamations of caring when it is sheathed in bullying and outright lies is just that, empty.

I am an adult and can see through it.

I see what you're doing, I see your motivations and I see that no you don't in fact care.

What worries me is children.

If so many people care about obesity, why are we letting our children develop eating disorders and younger and younger ages? Why are we applauding parents who put pre-pubescent children on diets and begin the process of fucking their metabolisms up for life?

Why would ANYONE ever think it would be a show of care to put children in an abusive situation on fucking television?

Modern science is telling us that abuse doesn't work. Modern science (do your own research) that we are more harmed by yoyo dieting and sedentary lifestyles than weight. Modern science tells us that children especially female children who grow up with low self esteem and self worth are left open to a lifetime of victimization.

How does it show care to not only ignore all of those things but encourage them?

Those of you who roll into fat blogs to troll, or you say terrible things about strangers to your children what are you doing? How are you showing your children anything?

Let me tell you what you're teaching your children when they ask why does that person look different (fat, disabled or whatever  if you tell them it's because that person is a terrible person and is lazy and awful is that if they in turn grow up to be fat or different that they are terrible lazy people.

You are setting them up to fail at a lot of things.

That is not loving, that is not care. That is being an asshole and either teaching your children to be assholes or worse teaching them that if they wind up like that person, you will be an asshole to them too.

Even if your kids don't see you trolling fat people, laughing at stolen pictures of fat people on facebook, don't hear you call the woman walking a fat bitch, you are still not doing any good.

If you want to care and have people understand that you care it takes some work. It's hard.

It takes at the least some critical thinking and understanding of some basic things.

The first thing to understand is that you are not entitled to have anyone buy your opinions about a body that isn't yours. You can have an opinion of course you can that is human nature. What you are not entitled to is the freedom to invade another persons life with your opinions and demand that they accept them as truth.

An example.

As I mentioned someone who came here from The Root told me to enjoy my diabetes and that they hoped I died quickly so I wouldn't use up the health care. First of all being that I did not disclose whether or not I have or could have diabetes, they have no idea what my status in that regard actually is. Yes, yes they can assume but it does not give them the right to come into my space proclaiming that as the truth because there is no way they would know one way or the other unless I told them or they had my medical records.

That is not an opinion that is a fact.

This person also assumed that I am dependent on charity care or would be dependent on welfare, the state, disability or whatever. Again, another thing that I did not disclose to them or The Root. The fact is, I have been steadily employed with health insurance for well over a decade. There is the idea that if one is fat, one is lazy, if one is lazy one does not work, if one does not work one has not earned health care. There is also the idea that if one is fat, one does not deserve health care. 

Health care is not a finite resource.

Here's something that is an opinion I very strongly believe in. If health care were not thought of as some mythical right of the few deserving people, it would cost less to the consumer.

First of all, health care is an industry. It is not care it is money. Ask anyone who is under insured or has no insurance how much health really costs. If insurance companies weren't such profit machines, perhaps people would be healthier.

I look at it this way. If just basic health care (pap smears, breast exams, cancer screenings, colon care) that is age appropriate was widely available to people without risk of debt, ridicule or abuse, a lot more people would go to teh doctor. So rather than the scary mythical fatty who shows up at the doctor with eleventy million obesity correlated and neglected illnesses that require vast amounts of cash and resources "using up" the health care, perhaps those people would have been able to get health care to take care of those things along the way.

Preventative and maintenance health care goes a long way towards cutting individual medical costs. 

If you think I am full of shit here's an experiment.

The next time you go to the doctor or if you have a health professional in your family pose this question.

Is it better to get consistent quality health care or is it better to just wait and go to the ER?

Or ask within the confines of a hypothetical situation. I'll give you one.

Let's say that you have a sharp pain in your back. In situation 1, you don't feel right and go to the doctor. You find out you did some damage to your back and you start getting it taken care of. Maybe you get PT, maybe you get medication or bed rest. In situation 2 you don't get it looked at for whatever reason. Let's say that you live in pain for a year or so and at one point find yourself unable to walk around or go to work anymore. You go to the doctor at that point and find out you've done irreversible damage and will likely need surgery or have a long recovery or find out you will never recover.

Which scenario is better from an objective view? What's more expensive in the long run in terms of both financial (including lost wages, disability, possible hospital trips), and quality of life costs?

If you care, these are issues that I encourage you to get behind and do some critical thinking and reading about. If you want to show how much you care it's a good place to start.

If you care, instead of engaging in abusive behavior either by perpetrating it or allowing it in your space, how about saying no?

How about being the person who says, no that is not an appropriate way to talk to/about anyone regardless of their weight period.

How about not engaging in body shaming?

Getting the idea?

Part of caring and expressing that care means that one has work to do. It's fucking hard. 

It's easy to lie to yourself and go to someones blog to call them a fat bitch or tell them to lose weight and then go to another tab and feel good about yourself for "doing something". I'm here to tell you that you did nothing except be a bully and contribute to an abusive culture that for a lot of people leads to needless suffering and death.

What you're doing is supporting a disordered culture.

What you're doing is being abusive.

What you're doing is contributing to a problem that will not stop at fat people. Yes I'm telling you that. You're contributing to a system that makes billions and billions of dollars off of your self loathing and the loathing you extend to others.

Doing these things is not caring.

If you do nothing else do this. Stop lying to me, the world and most importantly yourself while you hide behind empty slogans like "I just care about your health" because you don't and we can see right through you.

Homo Out.

Share/Bookmark

Friday, December 14, 2012

Working it out.

First, I have bragged on the internet more than once and I am going to brag again,

I have the best fucking readers in the world.

You are the best homies in intertubes space in the world.

Thank you for your support and kind words and everything.

I love you.

You are seriously the best.

I am feeling better/less anxious about things. I have all my vitamins, I'm being nice to me. Nicer anyway.

I don't want to talk about that more right now though.

Let's talk about somthing I am way more into right now.

Make up.

So today I am wearing what I call my Old Goth go to look. I'll show you at the bottom of the post.

Lots AND LOTS of black liner in a big ole cat eye and black lips.

A woman stopped me on the sidewalk today to tell me that she thinks my make up is ugly, inappropriate and tacky.

I laughed in her face.

Here's the thing my homies and part of survival and how to give no fucks.

Strangers, especially strangers who think that their opinion of how you should look, walk, talk, how much you weigh, what you wear etc- are not the kind of people you want in your universe.

Here's the thing.

You, like me are the Dowager Supreme Ruler of your universe.

Nobody has the right to fuck with that.

Nobody, especially jerky ass asshole people need to impact your Universe more than being a shitty blip on your radar.

When people who don't know you go out of their way to be "helpful" or to be assholes or bossy, they are not trying to help you out. They are telling you that they know better how to be in your body.

Fuck that noise because it's bullshit.

As I have said before, you are important.

You have shit to do that does not involve random jackhole strangers and their feelings or their opinions.

This goes for anonymous trolls on the internet, people in line at the store, clerks in stores etc.

Fuck their feelings.

You and I are not here for all that.

You and I are here to live our lives in our bodies the best we can.

For me I still am not feeling well. I have had this ass kicking evil cold of doom (I get one every year) and I have not been feeling good.

When I don't feel good but I have to go places and do things, I paint the shit out of my face.

I beat my face and get glamorous. It feels like armor, I like feeling like I look better than I feel. This is how I care for myself when things I can't control or deal with are happening.

I also do it to remind myself that the only person I really need to aesthetically please is myself.

My only answer to the idea that I must conform to the vision of how other people want to see me is this.

Fuck you pay me.

Want me to wear something you like? Pay me.

Want me to wear neutral natural make up? Fuck you pay me.

Want me to thinner? Fuck you pay me.

Want me to be nicer? Fuck you pay me.

And let's be real for a minute since that's how I"m being today.

You are gonna have to pay a lot.

You probably can't afford it.

The reality is that I have a lot of people I care about, a lot of things I care about, a lot of things I am passionate about and I do not have the time nor energy to devote to taking care of strangers. I'm not going to massage your feelings if you want to tell me how you think I should be.

Fuck your feelings.

Fuck your feelings, fuck your entitlement, fuck your comfort and really fuck you.

My homies, let me tell you my big secret for how I arrived at this.

At one time in my mid-20's I was in a situation where my partner was in the hospital, I was fighting my landlord in court, trying to pack our home, trying not to get evicted, looking for a new place to live, working overtime and was experiencing a level of stress that I'm sure if I'd been in slightly more fragile health I might've had a heart attack or other emergency.

I was doing all of this on my own.

At one point some lady said something stupid to me about how raggedly dressed I was and I completely lost my shit on her and freaked out.

I'm talking screaming raging on her and then I went back to my apartment and cried until I threw up.

That day I had shit to do. I wanted to see my partner in the hospital, I needed groceries, I needed to do laundry, I needed to track down a missing check stub, I needed to do a lot of things.

I needed sleep, I needed a hug.

What I did not need was this bitch in my face that way.

I realized in the aftermath of that incident that I expended all that energy, I had been fairly reasonable for a minute with that lady and she persisted in explaining her point of view to me.

ALl that energy and upset and yes my fucking feelings were hurt and I cried in public which I hate doing and my day was not only made worse but totally fucking destroyed for what?

Some asshole who didn't care about me, didn't care about my situation, wasn't trying to help me get to see Uniballer in the hospital. She only wanted to tell me how tacky and terrible it was that my slacks were wrinkled and crappy and how SO unprofessional it was blablabla.

What purpose did her shitty opinion serve?

For her, she probably had a good power surge. She probably felt superior to me and some people like that.

In my Universe what did it mean?

At the end of that shitty day when I was laying in bed crying, it meant nothing to me.

That single incident taught me more about what does and doesn't need to impact my universe than anything else.

From then on part of my mission in life has been to teach myself when I do and don't need to give a fuck.

No one can tell you or force you to really care. I know society tells us we're supposed to care about everything and weigh every opinion but I think that's bullshit.

Yes, everyone can have an opinion.

No, I don't have to give a hot fuck about your opinion if I don't want to.

It's a beautiful thing.

So, my homies my darlings.

If you listen to nothing else I've ever said listen to this. You too haters.

You are the Supreme High Ruler of YouLand.

Your Universe is special and precious.

You are driving.

Do not let other people fuck up your universe when you don't have to.

Fuck their feelings.

In this case, your feelings take top number one priority.

That's what I am giving to you. If no one has ever told you point blank here it is.

It is perfectly fine and very healthy if you don't give a fuck about some peoples opinions.

You do not have to consider the opinion of someone who thinks it's inappropriate for for a fat person to wear tight clothes, for boys to wear eyeliner,  for women to have penises. Whatever.

Fuck those people.

Now a photo of my offensive make up:


Have a lovely weekend my darlings.

I'm working on some new stuff for this here bloggy blog. Be on the lookout darlings.

I love you my homies and haters.

Homo Out.




Share/Bookmark

Thursday, December 06, 2012

Relearning my body.

So I alluded to a thing I wanted to talk about but was feeling weird about it.

I'm feeling like I'm about to come out of the closet. It's weird.

Anyway the thing is my body.

Things happening to my body.

Let me back up a little bit here.

For the last three years or so, my life has been really stressful. Financial issues due to my partner losing and regaining benefits. Health issues for both my partner and I. Some really crazy making shit.

So during the last few years my body has filled out a solid size 16ish.

A while back Uniballer commented that he thought I'd lost some weight and I poopooed it.

Then it started getting cold and I had to wear pants I hadn't worn since last winter.

They fell off.

Y'all, y'all know how I feel about pants and I panicked. Full blown poverty fueled OH MY FUCKING SHIT HOW AM I GONNA STAY WARM WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED OH SHIT ALERT ALERT...

I'm talking disco freakout meltdown.

I have not been in touch or friendly with my body in a while. I have a problem when I don't feel well or can't do things.

I had to sit down and painfully start figuring out what was going on.

So one thing, the stress has lifted. Partner has his benefits, health benefits, financial. Because of our increased financial stability we've been eating better.

I was afraid I wasn't eating enough. I have problems recognizing hunger before my blood sugar crashes. More so when I'm depressed, stressed out or having a bad period of insomnia.

So I did one of those things that is so hard, I got naked and had a good long look in the mirror. I tried on every pair of pants I own and yep, Uniballer was not seeing things I lost some weight.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried in the shower because I didn't want to spend money to buy new pants. Yes, that is what upset me. Buying more pants.

I got over it and can say that as of now I'm fitting into an Old Navy 14 pants comfortably. Ass, hams n all.

I'm having a lot of feelings about this, none of which are happy.

I need to buy new bras, I have huge boobs that don't shrink but half a cup when I am +/- say 50 pounds. My band size has gone back down to a 38.

My cute underwear I got just a few months ago doesn't fit.

Ugh.

Objectively I'm okay. I'm about the same size I was back in 2007 or so when Torrid was my favorite girlfriend and I could religiously (as I found out while digging in my closet) wear their size 12 pants with no problem.

But, BUT here's the other problems.

I've been looking for a new doctor and one of the things I mentioned on a new patient survey (I'm on the wait list for that doc) is that I've lost some weight and am concerned. I want to make sure there's nothing wrong.

Rather than leaving that in my areas of concern on the return email, the first thing the fucking note said was congratulations.

Why?

Because I said I am fat.

Er, no I think I put obese. Whatever.

No advice about what to look for if there is a problem, no questions about appetite or yanno, things that could indicate a problem. Just congratulations on the weightloss you didn't want in the first place.

That makes me so angry and frustrated. I feel like I'm already behind the 8 ball on this. I don't want pats on the back I want to be certain it isn't indicative of any other problem.

And my other big problem and it's a doozy.

I'm afraid that I will lose more weight. Why? Because I honestly don't really like how it looks when I'm much smaller than I am now.

I have been everything from a size 4-20 and my self esteem was the lowest when I was the thinnest. I mean, honestly when I was thin it was supposed to be great right?

It wasn't.

It was pretty awful for me. I had the worst time finding clothes because I didn't want to wear tight clothes which, being broad shouldered and busty at every size, everything wound up being. I had problems wearing pants (same one I do now) because I have big thighs even at a size 4 and no size existed that fit me right.

I don't like it.

I'm a little afraid of that.

To keep that from happening I've been very vigilent about making sure I'm eating enough. Especially days when I haven't slept.

I have ridden this ride before in terms of trying to get adequate health care and everything. I don't want to do it again. I don't want to spend time convincing a doctor that no, NO I really am not okay with more weightloss, no I don't want help with it in terms of losing more weight, I just want to be treated for the problems I have.

I also am having some trouble dressing myself because in some things I fit straight sizes, in other things I need plus sizes. I don't like not knowing what of my clothes will fit.

I don't want to wear saggy ass pants.

I'm trying to keep a sense of humor about it. I tease myself about my tiny pants. But I'm nervous.

I feel like I've lost touch with my body in a bad way and I'm struggling to get back in touch with it. It's harder because my body is displeasing me. My knees are swelling and hurting, I'm pretty sure that this may be the year I get diagnosed with some kind of arthritis rather than the ubiquitous you're just fat.

Maybe this doctor will take my life long insomnia seriously.

Maybe this doctor won't make me do fasting glucose testing repeatedly. Did I ever tell you guys about that? A while back, I went to a doctor and I was weighed in at something like 210 pounds and immediately the doctor decided that since I was over 200lbs and black I had to be diabetic.

I did the test once and she accused me of cheating because my fasting levels were on the cusp of low normal/low problem. She decided I hadn't eaten for two days because yanno, fat.

She made me do it again. SAME results, no apology. All I got was a migraine from low blood sugar and my time wasted.

I'm just..ugh.

I'm frustrated, scared and anxious.

Will this be the doctor to help me be as healthy as I can be? Or am I going to wind up asking for nothing and dealing with my various health problems on my own?

I don't know.

SO there it is.

My shrinking ass secret.

I'm not as fat as I was.

In retrospect it's not that big of a deal but it is a big deal. As it is, I try to dodge any discussion on weightloss with most people because I just don't want to deal with it or feel pressured to explain why I'm not excited about it.

I'm also not excited because I had a holiday season outfit of AWESOME all picked out featuring an Asos skirt someone gave me but the skirt doesn't fit anymore.

Not excited about that.

Okay.

I guess that's all.

No wait, here is the first full length photo of me I've taken in a while.



The outfit I wore today. LOOK NO PANTS. I am excited about the winter weight leggings I got on Ebay that kept my hams warm without having to wear real pants.

But yeah there I am.

Now I turn to you my homies, do you have any advice for me?

It's going to be okay right?

Homo Out.
Share/Bookmark

Friday, November 30, 2012

Why I've never become a famous blogger.

I was just reading this piece by Natalie Perkins over at XOJane and it set me to thinking.

I am very firmly aware that one of the reasons I have never become a famous blogger is that I am indeed political, not shy about sharing those politics and I'm terribly honest.

If you've read me for a while you know, if something is shit I will say it is shit.

As you may note if you read me in a browser window I run a couple of ads. One for Detrivore Cosmetics and one for Babeland.

Why?

Outside of the fact that yes, even I like making a few pennies those are both companies I am into.

I sometimes also use affiliate links but I promise only for shit I like.

Now back to Fatshion.

I honestly stopped following a lot of fashion blogs closely.

Here's the thing.

Most Fatshion is not accessible to me. I'm poor. I am in the make it work category of smaller sized fat folks.

When I do fashion blog I try really hard to be more inclusive because I'm here for my fellow broke fat folks regardless of size.

For me, when I talk about make it work fatshion I'm talking about learning how to make it work when you have to at whatever size you are.

Thus, I am not a famous fatshion blogger.

Also sometimes too much fatshion focuses on shit I don't care about. I don't care about trends, I care about my own aesthetic which as I might remind you I am calling Nazgul Realness.

Thus I am not a famous Fatshion Blogger.

Also I'm really not into the idea that fat fashion must always be so aspirational and Fashiony. I am glad that for some folks it does need to be Fashiony and pretty, for me that isn't my jam. I honestly get tired of (like every other corner of FA in general) becoming all about the presentable white fat person who is pretty and nice.

That is not really my jam either.

For me when it comes to Fatshion, it's often a double edged thing. On one hand it does my heart good to see fat folks getting their Fashion on especially if it is a statement type thing.

That is why I joined Fatshionista on LJ years ago to begin with. I wanted to see lots of clothes on fat bodies of varying sorts.

And then Fatshionista just got kind of jerky for some reason. A lot of "critique" which seemed to me to be a thin means of just being assholes.

So I found others to follow.

And honestly if it's all just pretty pretty pretty PRETTY it's not for me.

I need more substance than squee about whatever line of clothing or shop.

So what am I actually saying?

I don't know.

I guess that at this point after all these years of blogging, I am seeing more and more why I am not more famous. When people ask me why I'm not it's a pretty easy answer.

I am not easy.

I am not an easily digestible blogger for lots of reasons. I am not White, I am not heterosexual, I am not all about the pretty, I'm not always nice and most of all I am unwilling to downplay any of those things to make anyone else comfortable.

So I wear my ads with pride.  Both Babeland and Detrivore chose me because they both like my space for different reasons and they are people I would throw all of my money at if I could.

All that said I do have some more fat fashion make it work blogging to do.

I recently purchased new boots and I am going to try to do a tutorial on how to with a friend or partner in crime, lace boots so they fit and show you some of my own tricks for getting lace up boots to fit over my calves.

I also have some notes about how I am navigating my anti pants stance, cold weather, AND oh shit I forgot to tell y'all about my fabulous coat.

I found my perfect full length (almost too long) black, non wool, hooded coat. At Value Village. It's a size 20 which is too big for me but doods, it cost me like 15$. And it still had tags on it.

So the COAT OF AWESOME (it is witchy and wonderful) is helping me wear fewer pants.

AND I also have something kind of really serious I want to share with you guys but I"m nervous about it so I'll be working up to it okay? Bear with me, it's kind of a thing and I'm not entirely sure about how to broach the subject without making myself crazy.

BUT I want to because it's a thing and I'm being cryptic so I'll stop.

Pardon me if this is all over the place. I have had the worst cold this week and am feeling not right.

But remember my homies and haters.

I love you.

ALSO I am working on a follow up to my self care guide. With more right to the point instructional type things. How to get into the habit of doing self care, some self care things you can do with your friends either in meat space OR on the internets.

Okay now I am so full of hot sauce laced pho I can't think.

Homo Out.





Share/Bookmark

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Things that are unhelpful.

I want to revisit the issue of not fat people thinking they are being helpful when in fact they are being pushy assholes.

Actually I want to broaden this to include people with chronic illnesses, disabilities, mental illness etc. All of us who are not normal.

Many of us have lots of problems. I'll use myself as an example.

I have been a chronic lifelong insomniac.

When I say chronic and lifelong understand that my sleep problems began in childhood and have been with me since.

Now, in these long (let's be generous) 30 years, when I say that I'm tired a lot of things happen. Perfectly nice people who believe that their own experience of not being able to sleep every now and then is analogous to my experience want to fix me and make me okay or as normal as they are.

One of the things that comes up over and over again is people telling me how much more exercise I need.

At one point I took that advice whole heartedly. I did what we'll call Soul Killing Exercise (which led to a problem I'll discuss another time) and what a lot of people could equate to things like that Insanity work out.

I did it religiously.

At one point as I was trying to unfuck my insomnia I was working out about 4 hours a day.

Add in that when I started I was fat and of course lost some weight people gave me lots of pats on the back. Despite numerous doctor visits and my own concern, no one told me to lay off.

And then shit happened. My insomnia got so bad I was hospitalized at one point. Someone on the street took me to an emergency room because I was wandering around not knowing where I was and hallucinating.

After I got out of the hospital and talked to my regular doctor, she was no help.

What I learned then and am experiencing to a degree now is that exercise after a certain point ramps up my insomnia to ridiculous levels. Beyond the other physical problems that were exacerbated, that was the worst. It got the point I was barely able to function.

When I tell people that, rather than backing off or giving me space to deal with myself they say, well did you try yoga/running/biking/hiking/waking up extra early to exercise etc.

Therein is the problem.

If in your eagerness to fix someone you don't take five seconds to shut your mouth and listen to them, you are being a jerk.

It's the same if someone tells you they are on medication for depression and you tell them to exercise/pray/drink unicorn pee because it totally cured you when you were down in the dumps, you are being a jerk.

Illnesses whether they are chronic, disabilities, mental etc are not the same for everyone. And if you felt shitty for a day, that is not the same as debilitating depression. If your back hurt for a while after you moved a couch, that is not the same as someone who has severe back problems.

Not all things are equal.

Not all bodies experience the same things the same way.

And most importantly, if someone has been dealing with something for a long time such as my insomnia, there is probably nothing you can say that we haven't already heard or tried.

Stop doing that.

Don't do that when it come to weight and health because frankly, like with any other issue with the body you don't know the whole story even if you shared a womb with someone.

This is a problem that cuts across everything.

People who want to believe that they are better equipped to live in my body than I am.

It doesn't matter if I'm talking about fat, racism, my insomnia, my other health problems.

I feel like it again comes around to this.

If after someone declines your advice, says that X thing does nothing for them and you stop what you're doing and listen to them you are on the right track.

If you keep insisting YOU HAVE THE MAGIC SOLUTION, you need to examine your motivations.

What I've found in my life is that deep down at the root of all of these things is a single problem.

If I am too different from you (the big you here, collectively) than it somehow makes your life less or my life less.

If someone can be fat and okay it must be a delusion if you can't be fat and okay.

If someone can't sleep and you can sleep, it must be trickery.

If someone is too depressed to rely on exercise for relief than, they are just weird and abnormal right?

No.

Here's the thing.

Diversity doesn't make your life and experience anything less or more.

You can live in your body and maybe learn that you don't have to ascribe to common ideas like fat is awful. You can live in your body and if you can't sleep do some yoga, drink some tea and be okay. That's okay.

It's okay and perfectly natural that not all of our bodies are well oiled machines that function perfectly with a certain diet or way of living.

Much as it would pain the diet industry and every other money grubbing so called "health" guru, there is no one magic answer to anything.

Especially when it comes to our health there are so many things that factor into it, no two people are ever going experience the same things. Stuff that can intersect with our health:


  1. Race
  2. Gender
  3. Genetics
  4. Economic situation
  5. Culture
  6. Access
  7. Work schedule
  8. Have you had babies out of your body?
  9. Allergies.
  10. Random crazyness that the human body can engage in without rhyme or reason.
  11. Tastes.
  12. Comfort levels
  13. Ideas
  14. Food preferences
  15. Religion 
etc etc etc.

If people are serious about the health of other people, they need to understand that the whole story of another human beings health is not written on their flesh.

Think about all the storied super healthy people who do things like die. They too can get cancer, they too can have health problems run in their families. Some of them will outlive all the rest of us because a lot of them have what many of us don't, money.

Think about the impact of things (and per usual I'm not doing your research for you) like simple basic health care.

I'm not talking about specialties etc. Just basic health care. For those with vaginas and/or breasts things like mammograms and papsmears.

What if, it was more shocking and more news worthy that doctors will refuse certain patients care regardless of what insurance they have, than it is that some people show up in emergency rooms with stage 4 cancer.

Why do we absolve the health care industry of responsibility about that? Why do we put the onus and blame on the person who can't afford or doesn't have access to the kind of care that might catch cancer before it becomes deadly?

Why do so many people just want to rail about all of us evil terrible fat people without thinking about the larger problems in our lives?

Why is it when people "confront" me about my fatness, they never ask me shit about my actual health? As I've pointed out before, no stranger ever walks up to me and asks me if I'm pooping regularly. No one walks up to me and asks if I've had a pap smear lately. No one ever asks me the intimate details about my period and yet they are comfortable telling me U GONNA DIE FATASS.

Why?

How is it that in spite of the numerous times I have asked openly and honestly for someone to explain this to me rationally without using ad hominem attacks or assume I'm about to drop dead of any number of obesity correlated illnesses, no one has EVER in the history of my blog taken me up on it?

If you are among the many who focuses all your "concern" at fat people, why can't you answer these questions rationally?

Here at the end, this is the ass end of the behavior I discussed above. Granted, when people are genuinely expressing care and concern to me it is easier to forgive their clumsy way of doing it.

If you do in fact care, learn to listen. Understand that maybe all the help the person you want to fix needs is some commiseration, a hug, a "shit that sounds awful is there anything I can do to help?"

It's really that easy.

So again I put it to you internet experts.

Tell me again, in rational terms why you don't seem to care about any other aspect of my personal health than my weight? 

Go ahead.

I'll wait.

Homo Out.





Share/Bookmark

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I don't eat to impress you.

Something that may or may not come as a total shock to some folks, I am a fatty who likes a variety of foods.

I also like to eat (when I can afford it) a lot of vegetables and stuff.

Lately when I have been left to my own devices to shop for lunches I buy stuff to snack on.

Here's the thing public.

I don't buy food to impress you, get brownie points, for pats on the back, for kudos or clucking tongues.

I buy food to eat when I am fucking hungry.

And I like food quite a lot and will buy what I have a taste for.

So when I buy my stand bys of sparkly water, a bell pepper and whatever entree I'm buying that because that is what I like to eat.

I don't know if I can adequately express how angry it is when people talk to me like I'm a toddler who just pooped in the big potty because I'm eating or am presumed to be about to eat a vegetable or other healthy item.

Similarly, don't talk down to me because I went to Wendy's the other day.

I am not five years old.

As a matter of fact let's talk about how I eat.

I have learned to listen to my body more closely. Sometimes I really need to eat way more than I do. I also am not always sure what will satiate me and keep my blood sugar up and how long I should wait between meals.

Shit is fucking complicated enough for me without any extra commentary from random ass people who seem to think that I'm not only Black but fat too and therefor obviously can't read nutritional information for myself.

No one on the planet needs strangers to walk up to them in the store and start yammering about diets, carbs and sugar.

Keep t to yourself unless I ask you.

While we're at it, I really don't appreciate it when I talk about a food, a brand, a store and someone feels the need to swoop in and educate me.

Look.

I don't have the time nor spoons nor resources to research and give provenance to everything I put in my mouth.

Here's the thing about that. I'm not wealthy, I can't always buy the best most awesome most ethical food all the time  because it's expensive. That's just how it is.

And I am not willing to not eat or eat way less than I do for a cause. I'm just not that is a hard limit for me. It bothers me that people want to vomit that type of information all over me and wait for me to make some big proclamation about how changed my life is.

The only time it's okay to do this is if you then provide me with the extra money for the most ethical most natural least offensive or evil foods ever.

When it comes to eating and food, the prescriptive attitude need to stop. You cannot dictate how other peoples bodies run no matter what food science or anything else says.

If your way of eating means that you research and eat as ethically as you can and grow your own food and don't eat anything with a face or whatever that's great. That's awesome and I applaud you.

What I don't applaud is if you decide that everyone must eat that way.

You eat the way that makes you feel the way you want to feel and I will do the same.

That's all for right now I have a bell pepper to eat.

Homo Out.
Share/Bookmark

Monday, November 05, 2012

Things I would like to exist.

I am not following up on my last post about feminism. I've gotten some private questions/comments/concerns and frankly to the people who sent them, fuck your feelings.

Here's my quick advice to the several of you who are so concerned about how much I was picking on the Nice White Ladies. Go find a woman of color who hasn't had the experiences I have for the last let's be stingy and say 20 years.

Find some naive Black girl like I was so long ago who was delighted to even be seen for a second by her White Peers. Find her.

I am not the fucking droids you are looking for.

Here's the thing I will say again (as I repeat at least monthly) I don't blog about the abstract, about theory or any shit like that. 90% of what I say about yes you Nice White Ladies comes from my direct lived experience. I don't give a shit if you took a diversity class or looked up the meaning of intersectionality. I don't give a tin shit if you think you have a handle on the meaning of word. I have a handle on my actual life which is as I've shown here over the years a continuing exercise in balancing my self preservation with the intersections of my life.

Moving on.

As I'm trying to get myself fixed up clothes wise for winter, I'm left wondering again where are the affordable plus size decent quality clothing?

I don't think they exist.

Also where are the winter appropriate things?

I'm talking about basics here.

Semi warm clothing that does not cost an arm and a leg?

First let's talk about Torrid.

Torrid is expensive, the quality is so iffy garment to garment.

Actually let me give you an example. A few years ago one of you wonderful readers bought me a pair of Dickie's pants from Torrid. When I got them they didn't fit at all, I put them away and now they fit. I don't know what that's about but here's the thing. Aside from the fact that I really like the fit now (the rise could be higher but whatever) they are really flimsy and I want to apologize to that reader who paid money for them.

After being stored, folded up and untouched I wore them once and one of the seams started coming unraveled. I know those pants were at least 50$ goddamn dollars and that is what you get.

Let's take a look at the pants I sort of want to buy. Torrid's Black Skinny jean made by Tripp. Once upon a time I was a huge Tripp lover. They used to make sturdy clothes I had no problem paying full price for. But being that these are the most affordable at the regular price of 48$ let me say this, no.

The other options run up to 100$ and frankly given their track record I would never pay that much for anything from Torrid ever. I have had too many things from cheap not expected to last tank tops to good looking slacks just disintegrate after not a lot of wear.

I won't even talk about their dismal line of thin sweaters that are also overpriced. I realize it doesn't get cold in LA but come on people really?

What are the other options.

Old Navy. Here's the thing with Old Navy and me. Most of their plus size items don't fit me properly. Those are things I need to try on but, of course Old Navy thinks it is just ever so hard to put plus sizes in stores so I can't do that.

Also for my body their straight sizing is also an enormous crapshoot. And their clothes are not warm, not very well made and don't last.

At least they are generally affordable.

Where else?

I don't even want to bother with Target. Frankly I never find plus sizes in my local Target unless they are close outs. There are so many plus size items with no size chart, a fact that I pointed out to them. After my initial email and their first response where they said of course there's size charts for everything (without a link to where I might find that) I said this:

Hello,
In the case where there is no size chart and no reviews how am I supposed to buy something that is unavailable in stores? I searched at least six or seven similar plus size items and there was no size chart to be seen. As a retailer I find it incredible to believe that offering even a generalized easy to find size chart is unreasonable. Due to this I will not be shopping online Target anymore and I will be warning other consumers. 
Here is what I got back:
hello Shannon,
Targe.com have a size chart. You can find the link to it next to the item’s size selection window. Just click on the link and it should help you with your sizing questions. We’re sorry, but not every item has a size chart available. We carry clothes from a number of different brands, and each brand has a unique approach to sizing. If you find a clothing or shoe item without the size chart described above, you can get an idea of how clothes measure up by checking the True to Size rating under What Other People Are Saying. You can also check out product reviews to learn even more.
I haven't bought anything online from them since.

Now of course there is the burgeoning Fat Couture.

Stores such as Domino Dollhouse and JIBRI are both very nice but frankly, there is no universe in which I can spend a third to half of my budget on a single dress or other item.

Poor fatties, we are pretty shit out of luck.

And honestly as much as I love so many Domino Dollhouse designs, I don't drive. I live in a place where it will be wet, rainy and cold until March. I am out in the elements for 4-6 hours daily, yeah that's not gonna work.

What makes the situation yet more painful at least for me is that I have a very particular aesthetic.

For instance I hate wearing blue jeans. I don't care if other people do, I just don't like to myself. BUT because I am just unable to find other sturdy not paper thin pants for decent prices, I am sad to say I'm going to spend a winter in more pants I hate because I just want to be warm.

So here I am.

I could buy one pair of expensive probably not so sturdy pants I marginally like or I could (again) buy a bunch of cheaper crap, layer like hell and pray I stay somewhat warm.

So retailers.

Here is some free advice.

I'm recalling the glory days of the late 90's/early 2K when I could take 50 or even 100$ and be able to buy sturdy things like pants and winter appropriate sweaters that would last more than one wear.

I am betting that the store who figures this out will win the love of the fatties who are poor. I'm talking about well made basics. Sturdy twill bootcut pants ( HI DICKIE'S I AM LOOKING AT YOU BASTARDS), how about some things that aren't all bedazzled on the ass and otherwise tricked out all to hell (to raise the price I guess) that those of us who don't want sparkly dazzly sequins on our asses can buy?

Also let me say again to indie people who print tshirts and whatnot.

Do not tell me that a mens xxl is just as good as the babydoll cut I ask about. I'd like to support your cause/art/band/whatever BUT if I say I do not want to wear a mens shirt, don't tell me to spend 35$ on your shit only to have to cut it up.

I turn it over to you readers.

My homies tell me what you're wishing for?

I'm going to sit here cold and wearing too many clothes for comfort.

Homo Out.



Share/Bookmark

Friday, October 26, 2012

Yet more reasons why I refuse to identify as a feminist.

For starters let me say up front and right away that as feminism is done right this minute, it makes me more than glad I gave it up a long long time ago.

Just recently.

Caitlin Moran one of the feminists darlings of the media, thinks it's cute to say she doesn't give a shit about it when someone asked her a question pertaining to her interview with Lena Dunham, about POC.

As per usual because you can never tell Whiteness no, despite numerous people having a problem, people are told to be nice to her. Look up to her, LOOK what wonders she is doing.

Per usual, White women are making BIG fucking money shitting on people of color.

White women continue to plagiarize, distort and profit from the work of WOC with fucking impunity.If we have the audacity to demand credit for our work, apologies for it being stolen or anything we're blown off, we're told we're overreacting, we're told that intersectionality is just too hard and Feminism is mostly White and educated anyway.

Our anger is mocked. You don't fucking listen.

We get false empty "apologies" for the sake of some asshole wanting to come off as the victim of needless bullying and OH NO THE MEAN OLD COLORED PEOPLE.

The women who paved the way for feminism hated us. They tried to eradicate us. Our supposed heroines would have sterilized us (go do your own fucking research about that).

Black women especially are at the bottom of the heap.

We are never saved, we are never defended, everyone feels free to steal from us, use us as their examples of whatever societal bullshit is the flavor of the day. We are blamed for the decline of society, we are reduced to inanimate objects until someone wants something.

There is no safety for us.

There is no sanctuary.

We can't talk to each other without having to cut through White Supremacist bullshit. We can't have our own space for feminism. We can't be a part of Feminism as it is done now because the White women are too fragile to be called on and dealt with appropriately when they do fucked up shit.

We can't talk about our hair, out bodies, our sexuality without White women wanting to take over and "teach" us.

We can't escape the fetishism of White men.

We can't be beautiful.

We can't be innocent.

And to put the stink on the shit, every single one of the white feminists I've named and countless others in their pursuit of feminist goals for "everyone" who gets stepped on?

Caitlin Moran at least was up front and said she doesn't give a shit because I do not believe 90% of self identified white feminists give a shit about women of color.

I don't believe it because 90% of you don't behave like you do.

You hush WOC, you shoo us out if we are too "aggressive" or "angry".

You tell us that if only we were quieter and nicer about things maybe you'd listen.

You spew the same type of misogynist shit out of one side of your mouth while demanding equal rights with the other.

I SMELL you.

I see you mother fuckers.

So no I am not a feminist because feminism does not give a fuck about me.

I am not a feminist because I will not divorce my opinions and voice from my Blackness ever.

I am not a feminist because I refuse to stay quiet when people hurt me.

I am not a feminist because I will not allow anyone regardless of how educated, wealthy, famous on the internet, how many followers or book deals they have to tell me that in order for me to be allowed my femininity and be let into the club, I need to assimilate and be more like all the other nice white ladies.

No fuck you.

This is not a new anger.

This is an anger that simmers and boils over almost daily because it doesn't matter what we say, all of you will always default to the White position because of course, Intersectionality (read: POC saying things that don't fit into Whiteness nicely or when not being a racist is just too fucking hard) is hard.

At the rate things are going, I will not ever identify with Feminism again. Even if I'm not collecting links of wrongdoing or fucked up tactics I see what you're doing.

We see what you're doing.

Also I am calling an eternal moratorium and calling forever bullshit on any variation of saying that anyone "didn't know better".

Fuck you and that disingenuous shit.

This is 20 mother fucking 12. We are living in the future.

There are more instantly available resources on things like how not to be a racist fucking shitbag on the internet freely available than there are reasons why I don't approve of this behavior.

If you can read this, if you can facebook, if you can twitter, if you can google to find the most chic twee bar in your neighborhood do not fucking say anyone didn't know better.

That is the worst kind of victim pose bullshit.

Don't tell me you can't figure it out when you talk to me about how very educated you are. Fuck you.

Fuck you, you wasted your education if you can't find a single resource you understand about how not to be a racist.

In conclusion let me say this.

No, no I will not be a feminist.

I am not going to support racist fucking assholes for the good of any cause because it is detrimental to my actual life.

If you can't understand that, this is not the blog for you.

I am not your friend and you are not mine.

If this hurt your feelings good, if your feelings are hurt you are probably guilty of some flavor of racist flavored bullshit and now is a good time to start working on that.

That's all.

Homo Out.



Share/Bookmark

Dressing inappropriately for fun and well..fun.

I have always had a hard time with the idea of dressing appropriately.

From being 4-5 years old and being VERY annoyed that wearing nothing but my yellow rain slicker and matching wellies to club wear in the day time as an adult.

It's just not my jam and is in fact a big part of why I left mainstream corporate America.

I could lie and tell you that it's a statement of some sort but it's not. I just want to wear whatever strikes my fancy at all times.

For instance.

Today I wore (couldn't get a good picture, one of the problems of wearing all black 99% of the time) a black long sleeve velvet cocktail dress. I picked it up at the remnants of the Goodwill Glitter sale  (also note Seattle GOTHS GET ON THAT, no seriously you should) and it came with this hideous attached bib thing and a little jacket both of which I jettisoned.

Voila.

I have worn ball skirts to work, platform boots, pleather pants whatever.

Here's the thing.

I honestly do not give a fuck about what anyone says about how I dress.

I just don't.

I tried to pretend I did. I tried at one point purging my wardrobe of anything weird or gothy and wore a lot of tshirts, khakis and jeans for a while. That is fine if you like it but I hated it.

As I've discovered over the years regardless of what my body is doing (fatter, thinner, sicker, whatever) a huge part of my self esteem revolves around aesthetically pleasing myself.

From what I wear, to my hair to my make up which is also often not "daytime" appropriate.

Fuck that.

I am privileged enough to work a job where as long as I am not naked nobody really cares what I wear. To that end I dress to make myself happy.

I wear my ridiculous socks from Sock Dreams, frequently I get my office Goth on in slacks and whatever.

My big constraints are usually practicality.

I need to wear things that can stand up to my walking and commuting. Unfortunately as I am dealing with right now that means I need pants.

If you're new, let me tell you I fucking hate pants.

That being what it is I am trying RLY hard to buy pants I like.

However I am also realizing again that I hate winter clothing. I honestly do. I hate pull over sweaters save for a very few, I hate high neck shirts, I hate most long sleeves, blablabla.

I am trying to be an adult.

Over the years many people have taken issue with how I dress myself or make up my face.

Ready for my super secret to dealing with that without freaking out?

I look people in the face, smile and ask how many of my bills they are paying? Or if they'd like to pay for a new wardrobe for me of their liking?

Answer is always none and no.

Back to Winter.

I feel like I want to conquer winter dressing. To that end I have stocked up on socks from Sock Dreams, I am looking at jeggings/other skinny pants. I'm going to buy some more shirts and whatnot for layering.

I will buy more tall boots.

I am getting a new coat.

Shit is getting real.

Okay that's all for now. I have shopping to do and cold weather dressing to conquer.

Homo Out.

PS..I will post about my reading/outfit etc tomorrow.
Share/Bookmark

Monday, October 22, 2012

Marked.

The first time I ever noticed a stretch mark on my skin I was 12 years old.

After being the smallest kid in my class I had started to catch up as far as growth goes and had hit a mythical growth spurt.

At that age, every woman I had ever seen naked in person had stretch marks. My very thin Mom, some other family members etc.

At that age I still understood that movies and magazines were pretend and not real life.

So let's start there.

Images in the media, are just that. Images. They are imaginary and have no actual bearing on real life.

As I have said, when it comes to Fashion Reality it has little to do with Real World Reality.

This is why you'll not hear me complain or really give a damn about how "smooth" plus size models are.

Yes, they are plus size but the operative word here is model.

By nature models represent the "Ideal" and very rarely the reality. All visual media assumes that people can only or want only to see perfect idealized images. No hairs out of place, no cellulite, no stretchmarks, no freckles etc.

Most images we take in via TV/magazines have been so retouched they often don't even resemble the real people they are photos of.

That is a fact.

You must take that in.

Now as a young adult I took it personally that I did not have the smooth even brown skin of every (as few as there were) Black woman I saw pictures of in magazines. I thought that I was deformed (yes literally) by my stretch marks, scars, birthmarks and freckles.

By the age of 16 I had already started spending money on fade creams and doing everything I could think of to battle the continued striation of my skin.

I drank that fucking Koolaid.

The biggest shame of it all was that at that age, I was into Black magazines. Ebony, various hair magazines etc and they were the worst liars about how a Black woman's skin "should" look.

I wanted lighter skin, I wanted it to be smoother and perfect.

Through my mid-20's I started seeing a lot of people naked.

Here's the cold facts about what I started to realize.

Skin is multi colored.

Brown skin especially. There are light spots, variations in natural skin color, spots that get darker, moles, pock marks, pores hair.

Remember this was pre internet for me so I was seeing lovers up close, friends and I realized that everything I believed about my skin was a fucking lie.

I remember there was an up coming porn starlet I met through some friends because I thought she was so super crazy hot. In photos she had the smoothest skin ever.

When we met and subsequently got naked in her hotel room, revelation. She had pimples, there were chicken pox scars on her ass.

That weekend was a series of revelations. She was really into my big tits, I mean really into them and I had one of those half cup bras that I insisted on keeping on because I didn't want her to see the scars from my breast reduction.

At one point we were king of wrestling over the bra and she was just like, for fuck sake take that shit off right now.

I took it off and when she didn't say anything about the scars I showed them to her and with her face between my tits I remember clear as day she looked up at me, and said I don't give a fuck and shut the fuck up.

Here's the thing folks.

99% of my "flaws' and things I am supposed to be fixing or worried about or that supposedly EVERYONE will notice, are things that only I notice.

Also I will tell you that one of the things that I am forever honestly self conscious about/really focused on is my skin. I notice every change, every dot, dark mark new stretch mark etc.

Honestly, I have never had a lover mention any of it or be overly concerned about it enough to make it a big deal.

Just so we all understand a few more facts.

Stretch marks are going to happen if your body ever changes which bodies do.

Stretch marks happen when your skin loses elasticity for any reason. Some of the reasons it can happen:


  1. Puberty
  2. Weight Gain
  3. Weight Loss
  4. Very dry skin
  5. Pregnancy
  6. Hormonal changes
  7. Growth
  8. Shrinkage.
Stretch marks are not a comment on anything but they are a record in your skin of what your body is doing. Are they good or bad? Neither they just happen.

Dark bits on your body happen.

Sometimes it's because of skin irritation, sometimes spots are just going to be dark.

In the grand scheme of how awesome you are does it make a huge difference?

Not really.

Understand that your skin, your skin will probably never have the retouched quality of the pictures you see.

That's okay.

Real life is not fashion or magazine life.

Real life means we're going to be scarred and have moles and freckles and things.

Real life has nothing to do with what the going "wisdom" that all of this shit matters in the long run.

Honestly if you are naked with someone and they freak out because you have dark armpits or stretch marks or whatever, put your pants on and go home. Anyone who gets hung up on that sort of thing is probably not worth your sex or your nakedness.

Brown people let me talk to you directly for one moment.

Do not, I repeat DO NOT DRINK THE KOOL AID.

Brown skin is no more special in the respect of textures and color than any other skin. Having brown skin doesn't mean you HAVE to be smooth as satin and all one shade of Brown.

That my friend is absolute bullshit.

Beauty magazines marketed for Brown people are just as full of lies as Cosmo and Vogue.

Stop letting them hurt you.

Now everybody.

Seriously.

Every mark, dark spot, scar, freckle, birth mark, stretch mark, flaw, etc is not something that makes you ugly or imperfect. It is a road map to your life.

It is proof that you have survived.

Don't hate the proof that you made it.

It is proof you are real. 

For further reference go read this entry. Warning it is about me having sex but there's a lesson there.

Also my homies some homework.

I want you to think about this and report back if you like.

If we met (presuming we haven't met before) would you like me less (BE HONEST) when you saw the huge black mark I have on my forehead right now? 

Would you stop reading me?

What would you assume and why?

Report back and we'll talk about it later.

Homo Out.

Share/Bookmark

Friday, October 12, 2012

But I just want to help you.

One of the things I hear from thin people, fitness experts, random people, and self proclaimed allies all the time is BUT I JUST WANT TO HELP YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

In the case of many "experts" by help they mean sell me something. Everything from personal training, diet super secrets, magic pills, etc etc. Half the time these are weird pyramid schemes or straight up scams.

These "selfless" (oh hay famous tv trainers I'm lookin at you) people insist that they have the key to my health. They never know me. They never are privy to my actual personal medical history. The minute I tell them that I am a poor person they are done with me entirely. Or they tell me I must hate myself too much to make the sacrifices to buy their programs/pills/dvds/services.

Here is where we put the lie to the idea that most of these experts give an actual damn about anyone. If they were indeed only concerned with my health and well being and presumed using up of ALL THE INSURANCE, wouldn't they say okay well I'm going to save your life (since they always presume I am on deaths doorstep) so these things are free.

It's not about my health, it is about my money.

When it comes to thin people, random people from the internet and so called allies it isn't money they are concerned with. It is being right.

In their supposedly supportive and loving pursuits, they fail to do the one major thing anyone who cares about something or someone should do, listen.

Read responses to things I've written, read the comments on any article concerning body image and there is always a BUT.

"I'm all for loving yourself but..."

"I guess it's okay but..."

We've all seen it.

Here is the actual truth of the matter.

If you are someone who is so determined to be correct in what you believe to be concerned way that you cannot put aside your own issues and prejudices to listen to what someone is saying and demonstrate some level of reading comprehension, you are not really an ally and you need to do some work.

If your first response to me saying, look. I do not want your advice, I don't want you getting in my business and I'm not talking about my health to you, is to tell me BUT I ONLY WANT TO HELP YOU WHY WON'T YOU LET ME HELP YOU, YOU ARE GONNA DIE FATASS...

You have work to do.

You need to learn how to shut your mouth and understand that your desire to be the one true knower of what is and isn't right for everyone around you serves no one but you.

You too fatties.

Yes you.

We know that while each of us has probably had at least one or two of the ubiquitous fat experiences, we also know that each of us live our fat lives in different ways.

We know that some of us have no correlated health problems with our fatness.

Some of us do.

Some of us are really into our health, some of us aren't.

Some of us have eating disorders, some of us don't.

What some of us tend to forget is that none of us owes it to anyone to be a Good Fatty.

We don't owe it to people to run around shouting about all the healthy food we eat, the exercise we do, HAES or anything.

Our bodies; fat, thin, able bodied, disabled, trans*, cis, etc etc are not morality plays.

That is a game we all need to stop playing.

People, especially people who are flying under a banner or believe that they just want to help need to stop running to the rescue of everyone and slow down.

Think about what you're doing.

Think about how you're thinking.

Think about how your real feelings about bodies and fatness may be coloring your behavior.

For instance.

You cannot tell me how into and loving and accepting you are of all bodies if the only bodies you approve of or that you don't offer "help" to are thin bodies.

You cannot tell me how loving and accepting you are of all bodies if your first instinct to hearing a fat person say no, I don't want your help is to turn to bullying or trolling.

If you belittle, condescend to, just keep talking about how OMG FATASS UR GUNNA DIE or OMG EAT ONLY THIS WAY, or if you "disagree" with the idea that my personal health isn't your business regardless of your intent is, you are being a bully.

What's worse is that if someone tells me they are an ally I have certain expectations.

I expect at least a modicum, an inkling of understanding of basic issues like bodily autonomy, the actuality of what makes health care expensive in America. I expect not to have heavily biased old and outdated science quoted at me.

If you do those things (I SEE YOU, yes YOU DO IT) stop.

Or at least don't say you're an ally because you're lying.

You don't care about my personal health.

If you did, you would understand that my health is not your business. You would understand that demanding I give you my vital stats or somehow defend what you believe to be true of my health.

Here's the actual cold truth.

You person, whomever you are will never be privy to the reality of the actual personal health of anybody. It doesn't matter what you believe to be true about any certain body whether it is you believe that all thin people have eating disorders or that all fat people are about to drop dead.

You just will never know.

You person, you also need to understand that it is not okay and is grossly offensive to demand that I or anyone else give you private personal information if they don't want to. It doesn't matter how much you say you care, what statistics or studies you've read. None of those things make up the reality of another persons actual personal health.

You person, you need to understand that even if I am (as I do often) talking about things that are impacted by my health or if I talk about my health you don't have the right to "correct" me about anything. The fact is unless you are stealing my private information and have my medical files open in front of you, you don't know anything beyond what I say.

If I want to talk about my health I will say so.

Otherwise shut your mouth.

Or if you are determined to "help" don't start talking all about how many fat people die and whoa is the fatty who doesn't ascribe to the way you eat or exercise. If you want to help, listen.

If you want to really help, why don't you blog about things like the importance of equal access to quality medical care?

Why don't you talk about how bullying from medical people could impact how many fat people get preventative care?

Why don't you talk about the awful mistruths and lies told about health and health care?

Why don't you talk about the profiteering of the medicalization of bodies?

Why don't you talk about the inequalities in treatment if you are not in a normative body?

It's hard right?

You are damn skippy it's fucking hard.

Understand that helping people as I have said before does not mean you get to do any of the following, rather you can do them but don't expect to be met with open arms and ally cookies:


  • Proselytize
  • Bully
  • Condescend
  • Demand
  • Take center stage
  • etc
If you are doing those things, don't expect shit.

If you are doing those things, and yes get real about it. Be honest about your intentions. Or get put on proverbial blast or ignored.

Now that's all I have to say about that.

In other news.

I have new flash fiction published at Used Furniture Review, you can find that here. 

Lastly do you live in Portland? Are you over 21 and enjoy literary events?

If so come see me read at Unchaste Readers at the Jack London Bar. Get info here on facebook. 

Go forth, frolic my homies. I'll be back next week with some pictures, an outfit and stuff.

Homo out.



Share/Bookmark

Monday, October 08, 2012

Aesthetics, beauty notes.

For those of you who are new to me, let's talk about the fact that I hate cold weather.

I mostly hate it because it does bad things to my skin, I hate wearing eleventy forty seven layers in an attempt to stay warm but not too hot.

The other thing on my mind is that because of the "improvements" by metro in King County I no longer can take a bus right from near where I live downtown. I am doing a lot of walking and I have to wait an hour at night for the bus so I won't be not wearing pants this winter.

I'm very upset about that.

So I am going to try to get into Old Navy and try pants on which I'm not happy about but I'd rather have a warm ass than feel cute and be frozen.

So that will be discussed until I find satisfactory pants.

What else?

Beauty.

For those who are new, I am a beauty obsessed super freak. I fucking LOVE all things glamorous  all things make up and I have very particular things I like in my make up.

I have had some new things over the past four months so let me make some recommendations.

For my brown skinned folks.

First I'm talking to you my homies who like me have brown or dark lips. Now if you're not wearing a full covrage color and have dark or highly pigmented lips it can be a process to find things that look good.

Let's talk sheer glosses that make dark lips look like POW.

First up is Goldfinger Hologloss by DarlingGirl Cosmetics. Unfortunately I can't get a good picture of it on my lips but this gold shimmer is gorgeous on my dark naked lips. The gold isn't too opaque but has enough bling to just be beautiful. It also works very nicely as a gold toner to darker lipsticks.

Also from Darling Girl Planet X Hologloss. This is a weird looking gloss but the shimmer in it has the most lovely dark sparkle to it. I think for anyone with closer to black/purple lips you need this gloss. The way it catches the light is fantastic.

For a commercial gloss I have recently fallen in love with Colour Riche Le Gloss from L'Oreal. I bought one totally on a whim because I have a weakness for dark purple lippies, I bought this in Plum Rush and while it's not super pigmented I do love the subtle wash of plum and the knock out shine. I will probably pick a few more of these up.

For those who want some color deposit, not a lot of shine and long lasting moisture let me introduce you to Babylips.  I for serious like this product so much I have three of them right now. The Cherry flavor will leave a nice red tint on lips that can build up during the day/wish reapplication. It's not very shiny, not heavily flavored and offers some lasting moisture. I have cherry, grape vine and pink punch. The pink one I have to be a tad careful with because it's almost too pigmented/light pink but overall for 4$ this is a super product. They go nicely over lipstains or to perk up a fading lip stain.

I am a lip product fiend. I crave new ones to try out.

And what entry about lip products would be complete without me giving a shoutout to one of the few places I straight up advertise for?

This here:


If my Detrivore Cosmetics Affiliate link.

I put it here (and you can get to it anytime in the bar to your right) because I honestly am a huge huge fan of Detrivore  I'm going to pull rank for a second AND mention that I have watched the owner blossom from a few pretty awesome shades to an entire store full of beautiful quality cosmetics. She has a gift.

Now what do I love from Detrivore?

The Lip balm, called Embalming Tubes is really great. I honestly tend not to buy indie lip balms because 90% of the time they are just not quite what I need. Embalming tubes were a whole other story. They apply silky, they are flavored but not overwhelmingly so. I also don't like lip balm in pots and these come in cute black balm tubes. The moisture levels are impressive for an indie product. I have some big old lips and they require a lot of moisture especially when I am at work because I sit under an air vent so my lips get dry. If you try one thing from Detrivore I highly recommend it is the embalming tubes.

If you are just starting out wearing make up here is what I feel like you're gonna want to need:


  1. Eye make up remover. If you are going to wear any eye make up, have remover on hand. Personally I prefer oil free, I use a store brand version of a Neutrogena one. I also have liked the L'Oreal one, the Dove one, there's a Oil of Olay one. I don't recommend using those pad/handiwipe things. Buy the bottle and a container of cotton squares or rounds.
  2. Good skin cleanser. Your goal is to make sure your cleanser can remove any foundation or things you put on your face without stressing your skin out. It's a process.
  3. A good moisturizer for your skin type WITH SPF IN IT. YOU TOO DARK SKINNED HOMIES. If anything start with that. Every day. Put it by the sink and after you wash your face in the morning or after you brush your teeth you put that shit on like it's your job because it is.
The rest my darlings is candy and fun.

At some point I will make a post all about how I shop for make up on the internet and what type of things I splurge on vs what I am cheap about.

Good?

Good.

Later taters.

Homo Out.

Share/Bookmark

Monday, October 01, 2012

Well then.

Holy shit hi new folks.

Let me warn you now posts for the next couple of weeks are going to be light.

For those who are new here I am a writer of things other than this blog.

You can see my published fiction and non fiction here at my author website. From there you can read my published works, you can buy some self published things. You can even read my blog that is dedicated to the craft, business, stupidity and whatnot of being a writer and reader.

So just so we all know, this little blog is my personal litterbox. Yes I blog about a lot of things like fatness and whatnot but, at this little address I have been blogging for a long time about whatever the hell I feel like and that will continue.

Other things that won't change.

I am a foul mouthed cranky little fucker.

I am.

Also for those who asked the deal with the adult warning is that a very dedicated troll I had for quite a while reported me to blogger for quite a while and finally on a post long long ago, got Blogger not to pull or block my blog as was threatened but I was booted off of adwords and given an adult warning.

Other stuff to know.

I am queer as fuck. If you need an identifier that one pretty much covers it. I'm a dirty filthy old joyous pervert.

As you might have already surmised new readers, I do not put up with bullshit in my space. People can go to their litterboxes and pee in them at will but I do not let mine get peed in willy nilly.

For ease feel free to use feminine pronouns for me. If you don't want to that's fine. I don't have any issues with that in general although on occasion I do feel like a definite gendered Dude and I will say so.

To understand my vernacular which is what I use on this here little blog understand that 90% of the time when I use a traditionally gendered word, I'm not using it in a strictly traditional fashion.

Over on Tumblr (feel free to follow me, it's essentially what would happen if you dumped my brain on the internet) someone mistook me using Lady for WOMAN in a traditional sense. No no, no that's not how I roll. The Old Queens and Homos with whom I hung around at a formative time in my life, also didn't really use gendered words in a specifically gendered way. Watch Paris is Burning to get an idea of what I'm saying.

Also as angry as I might seem at any given time, I'm usually only angry about things that cause me pain, cause my friends pain, or that I am passionate about. If I don't care about something I won't talk about it. This little blog is (to be admittedly melodramatic) generally a product of one passion or another.

That being what it is, do not come into my yard with any hipster hurrhurr you care about things bullshit I will read you to filth.

Play like you have some common sense in comments.

Regarding comments, I don't have a comment policy. Unless something is clearly spam I won't delete it. I may be slow if a comment needs moderating but I will get to it.

If I feel like you're coming at me foul or being an asshole I will not be nice to you. I have a limited number of spoons to deal with bullshit and I will cut shit off if I feel like it's detrimental to my sanity.

AH shit I'm also really long winded.

So the reason I'm going to be slower than usual this month is that some big deal things are going on.

I got invited to do my first professional type author reading in Portland this month so I'm gearing up for that, my partner and I have our anniversary at the end of the month and I'm getting ready to release a ittle collection of smutty Halloween themed tiny stories.

Lots of shit happening.

If you have questions feel free to use the search function in the upper lefthand corner, you can subscribe via RSS on the right if that's your flavor of thing and I think that's about all.

Homo Out.




Share/Bookmark

Thursday, September 27, 2012

BUT why are you so angry.

Among the notes and things I've gotten about my entry yesterday.

So today I'll be more plain and in depth about it.

Let's forget Lady Gaga because it's not personal with her.

To be perfectly clear here since my words yesterday were taken by some as me saying Thin White Ladies CAN'T do or talk about Body Acceptance.

No.

The issue is when Thin White Women who are able bodied become the only voices worthy or given empathy when it comes to body acceptance or any issue really.

Whiteness as a thing is always and forever upheld. When it comes to "lady" issues, the face of those issues is all too often a Thin Pretty White Woman who is beleaguered by her own beauty. White Women particularly thin attractive White women are always given space, are always given room for their voices.

What ends up happening is they take shit over.

This is not okay with me.

When all of my work talking, writing about, talking to other people about bodies and acceptance gets boiled down and paraphrased by Thin White Women I get angry.

Every issue concerning women is overrun and often taken over by White women.

Feminism, Body politics, activism of many flavors.

White women are always given the benefit of the doubt, people will go to great lengths to defend the purity and beauty of White women always at the expense of POC. Always.

Think I'm the only person who thinks this?

How about some links about White Lady Privilege?

How about some links about how specifically this has impacted me?

Here's the thing.

I am angry because I have to fight tooth and nail to even be occasionally humanized muchless be treated as human. I am angry because people tell me that it's terrible for me to tell Thin White Ladies to shut the fuck up and let other people talk.

I'm angry because you can never tell Whiteness no.

You can never say NO I won't.

I am angry because too many people skipped right over my very salient points about the erasure of the fat people who have been working and suffering and writing and talking about bodies and acceptance to tell me to essentially stop being mean to the Nice White Ladies.

I am angry because it is always an issue when I refuse to be silenced, when I step out of my subordinate position in society to say no, Thin White Lady this is not the time for yours to be the voice of this issue. Be quiet.

I get told that it's awful that I'm  upset and people say shit like boo racism, but then turn around and tell me that I should stop being such a bully to the poor White people.

There is no body acceptance that is spear headed and visualized by Thin White Able Bodied Cis women anywhere that has anything to do with my body.

In case you can't tell from my photo on the top right or ALL the times I've mentioned it let me show you a photo:


This is why I still will not call myself a feminist.

SO many of you just don't understand how awful it is to tell me that I should hush up and let the nice White ladies go ahead.

So many of you refuse to acknowledge that there is no way and it is cruel to tell me either directly or indirectly that my Blackness shouldn't come into play. That I should scrape and step aside to make sure the White Ladies whom, we all know EVERYONE will rush to defend even when they are dead ass wrong.

This plays right into the trope that says that not only is it aspirational to want to look, be, and live like a Nice Thin White Cis Able Bodied woman but that if one vocally objects, or Gods forbid an Angry Black woman such as myself loudly says NO in no uncertain terms that it is in fact the poor White Ladies who are the victims.

If all you can do is come to the space of a woman of color and point out the plight of the poor white lady get the fuck out.

I have nothing for you.

I am not the droids you are looking for.

It is too exhausting and too painful for me to ask nicely, yell, beg and explain about these things.

If you can understand nothing else I've said understand this.

I am not the one with this bullshit. I am not going to be the sweet Negress who gently guides the White people to the promised land of understanding and harmony.

Why?

Because too many of you have fucked with me about it, bothered me, been deliberately obtuse until some other White person says oh hay this is fucked up.

So no.

That's not happening here right now.

Let us end here with me saying this.

If the only thing you understand about the righteous anger of a person who has had their work stolen, who has been run out of and excluded from spaces I am passionate about because I refuse to not be Black or refuse to let bullshit slide by for the cause; if the only thing you understand is awww what about the White ladies, find another blog to read.

That's all.

Homo Out.



Share/Bookmark

Subscribe To My Podcast