Monday, February 27, 2012

Show them how many fucks you don't give.

With all this talk of learning how to give no fucks about how others feel about you being attractive I have an excellent from my actual life example.

Last week while I was on the bus a man whom I wasn't speaking to nor expressing any interest in decided to tell me how much more attractive I would be without "that thing in my face". By that thing he means the big ass silver hoop in my lip.

Just so we're all clear I don't know this dude, I have never seen nor spoken to him before, and like many other people I have come across in my life something about me makes him uncomfortable.

In this case, it is the fact that I have a very apparent facial piercing that I a.) don't try to downplay and b.) really stands out on my face.

Just like most of the rest of society this dude was dead serious about his "suggestion".

He wanted me to be more attractive to him personally. He wanted to find me fuckable and acceptable in his world view so that world view would not be upset by me not conforming.

Normally when people say things like this to me they probably expect I'm going to freak out on them or they expect that I'm going to do something else that will justify at that point them treating me badly or talking down to me.

Now let's pause for a minute and think about this type of behavior.

When someone who doesn't know another person, has never seen or spoken to them and is not trying to get a date decides to share their unsolicited opinion about that person they aren't really trying to be helpful. Most of the time this behavior is a manner of exerting force over another human being. Often it is a way for passive aggressive people to be absolute assholes while "trying to be nice".

Here's the thing. You're not trying to be nice if you are telling me who wants nothing to do with you, how I should look, what I should wear, what I should read etc.

What you're doing is being disrespectful of my personhood on a very very deep personal level.

Furthermore let's look at what happens when we react badly to this sort of thing.

If you snap back at someone when they say this it reinforces their need to not like you.

Let's assume that we're all told not to dislike people because of their appearance. If someone says, "you'd be cute if you lost ten pounds" and you respond "hey fuck you buddy" your response gives that person a "reason" to dislike you and they can feel like they are the bigger person because afterall they were only trying to be helpful right?

Wrong.

Often these people are looking for a reason aside from your appearance to dislike you so they feel justified in their initial dislike.

Then there are the people looking to fill a victim role when the mean old Ugly/fat/whatever person rebuffs their supposedly good intentions.

There are also those who think they are being helpful and when they are told things are not going the way they want react badly.

Now my reaction to this dude was to look him dead in the eye, arch an eyebrow and say very very slowly. "uh..huh."

I gave him no energy. Not approval, I didn't yell, I didn't tell him to fuck off I just said that and stared.

I did not look away. I let him experience all of the fucks I do not give about his opinion on my looks with the no-expression on my face. He flubbered a little and stammered something then I shook my head and went back to reading my magazine.

He walked away shame faced.

It hurts people like this when we show them with our silence, blank faces and expectant stares that we don't give a fuck.

The beauty of learning to give no fucks about random douchebags like this is that it does nothing but help you and maybe teach those people not to be assholes.

Win win situation.

Now you my darling dears have homework.

The next time someone gives you their unsolicited advice about anything and they know nothing about you, I'm talking anything. If they comment on your car, your shoes, your groceries, your hair, your whatever don't get mad.

Instead invoke my spirit and very slowly say ....uh huh. Then just stare at them. You can also say, "oh really...." also very slowly. You can say, "excuse me do I know you?"

Resist the temptation to lecture, teach or otherwise engage. Say that one little thing and wait it out. Watch them squirm. If you can do it raise an eyebrow as if to say, "okay AND?"

You can also use one of my favorite Katt Williams sayings and say, "go ahead, I'll wait"

Use some interwebs style tactics.

Can you already do that? My next level response is usually sarcasm. Dead pan sarcasm.

Things like:

"Thank you so much you style maven you."

Or my very favorite also dead pan, "thanks I'll get right on that."

Yes. Seriously. In this day and age sometimes it works to just pull a meme out of your brain if for no other reason than it might shut someone up. Further, using meme language can denote to someone how many fucks you give without you needing to say look how many fucks I give.

Next thing I will do one of my yearly posts about aging, my birthday and the state of my ass.

Now go forth my homies, I encourage you to do your homework. And yes, even if you can't do these things in meatspace yet do them on the internets.

Homo Out.
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1 comment:

Veronica said...

I've never really thought about what people might get out of the responses of the people they treat like that. Those were some interesting thoughts - I'll try to take them into account when dealing with those types of people.

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