Thursday, March 29, 2012

I am not a nice White Lady.

Before reading this post I need you to go read these posts by me.

Where is the Fats.

Where it all Intersects and makes a Shannon.

E Tu Brute.

If you don't want to go read all those let me break it down for you.

One of the reasons I get so angry and I take long breaks from blogging is because over and over again especially when it comes to racial matters this is what happens.

Someone asks/I make a post about race.

EVERYTHING I say is questioned to goddamn death.

I get asked for further proof. I get asked to educate. People demand more and more and more yet never actually take what I say into account or take it seriously.

Then magically a white lady comes along, says all the same shit I've already said SUDDENLY it all makes sense right?

When I say a lot of the same things I see going around right now, White people tell me I'm pulling the race card. They get angry when I ask nicely even for them to just listen. I get told I'm race baiting.


Okay look this is why POC like me get so angry.

When I try and try and try and spend so much energy trying to educate and nothing gets through. When I work and work and work, and share my actual lived fucking exprience and talk about things that cause me pain, no one gives a fuck.

No I'm not talking about most of my regulars but I know y'all have seen it happen.

I am angry because I feel discounted, I feel silenced and the worst the absolute worst is that I feel like I'm being plagiarized even though logically I know I'm not.

Long ago I took in and accepted that when it comes to FA and whatnot, chances are I will not nor ever be A Voice.

It doesn't matter what or how I say something, I'm not a White person so White people are not trying to hear what I have to say.

Look at what I said in 2008:

Note: These are not all things exclusive to or entirely related to Fat Acceptance but come from 31 years on the planet and a lot of interaction with my fellow humans.Declarations of color blindness in terms of racial issues, might be a lovely idea in theory but has no place in my existence. the fact is that every time i hear someone extolling their virtuous color blindedness here is what i feel. If racial issues are brought up and you respond with vehement declarations of how little color matters to you, clearly you are for whatever reason uncomfortable.
Look what I said in 2009:

First impression is that I am again disappointed. I am disappointed that people still cannot fathom or don't want to even try to understand that yes race intersects with my experience of fatness (note I am using personal pronouns here because I am not the Dowager Empress of Black People and can only speak for my own feelings) and has contributed mightily to my over all experience and point of view in life. 

Why do POC have to continually beg, plead and try so hard to engage in every  way we can think of until all we have left is pain and anger, then magically someone White explains it and it's all so clear.

That is racism in action.

Am I saying that the individual people who can't take the word of a POC when it comes to understanding racism are racist? No. I'm saying that the constant disbelief and inability for White people to ever take a POC on their word is a function of racism.

It is racism in action when instead of listening to the words of people who have every day practical experience with these things, it only makes sense when it's presented in theory by a White person.

I am so angry.

A lot of people of color are angry because we just can't fucking win for losing nor be heard.

I don't even know what else to say.

I keep feeling like there's no point in saying anything because well, no one will take it seriously until a Nice White Lady says it.

I don't fully believe that but it's how I'm feeling right now.

I'm also still really fucking hurt.

My regulars, y'all know I"m not really talking about you. A lot of you have told me when y ou really get it. You've apologized when you didn't have to, you've been overall pretty damn awesome.

I'm half blowing steam and half just trying not to sit down and cry my eyes out.

So I may take a little hiatus. I may not. I just don't know.

While I'm deciding I do have other news. You can now buy my little fiction collection on Kindle. Check that out right here. 

I'm working on the second collection and I'm working on an erotica collection that I plan to shop around.

Right now I need a time out. I'm heartsick and I kind of want to barf.

Homo Out.



rebecca said...

This is a pretty boring comment but I just want to say that I love your blog and thank you for it.

caseyatthebat02 said...

After reading the nolose post, I read the kerfuffle between several white FA bloggers. I won't lie, I took sides, I read what the nice white ladies had to say while nodding my head. After a while though, that left an unsettled feeling in my craw. And I realized that I hadn't been reading what my favorite POC FA bloggers had to say. And I thought of you. And I come here and of course you've posted on this, of course you have. While I nodded my head and felt all self-righteous reading what the nice white ladies had to say, and madmadmad at the overblown defensive knee-jerks out there, I still wasn't quite getting it. I read this post and all the ones you linked (thank you, btw), and for the first time I felt -really felt- the gravity, the weight of this thing, this internalized racism that pervades everything, like a stone around all of our necks. You see, the stone has always been there, but as a white person I've not always felt it, as the very structure of our society immunes me from feeling the weight (oh, I'm affected - I just don't realize it). Reading your words removed those structures and for the briefest moment I could feel my shoulders react to the horrifying weight. Thing is, tomorrow will come, and I'll be walking through the world again, and the weight will once again be suspended, barely noticeable. But my memory is long, and it is now burned with that weight, and the feeling in my tendons when I bore it for the smallest second.

Veronica said...

I feel like telling you that I know my comments through this haven't exactly been great examples of wit. Basically what I'm doing is, I'm listening. I'm not saying that because I think I, or any other white person, deserves praise for listening to conversations on race and privilege, it's just how I like to approach subjects I'm not well enough acquainted with.
Right from the start I've felt like I'm missing something. I read these posts by POC, and they tell me white people don't believe them when they talk about their lived experiences, and of course I believe that, I just don't understand it. Maybe it comes from not living in the USA. Maybe, seeing as our population is 90+% white, the white people here don't feel as threatened by POC (though they do feel plenty threatened by Islam). Maybe it's because we didn't have slavery when you did (the last time we had slavery was about 1 000 years ago, we called them "treller", and they were almost all white). And maybe these things are helped by the fact that I have always surrounded myself with liberal people (in Norway liberal is pretty liberal). All I know is that this concept of not believing POC on their word when they talk about their lived experiences is completely foreign (pun not intened) to me. Don't get me wrong, it's not like racism doesn't exist here, and I've unpacked a couple of unpleasant things throughout this, but still. I guess what I'm saying, is that if you are still willing to talk, I'll still be here - listening.

Anonymous said...

I cringe every time I hear or see the word colorblind. If you are blind to color, you cannot be part of anything resembling social justice. In fact, I would go so far as to say that colorblindness is such a non-solution that people practicing it - or thinking they are - are actually contributing actively to the problems.

maggiemunkee said...

i am going to be angry and sad with you, because fuck, you have essentially written this post over and over. and the same shit still keeps happening. i wish you had control of The Duh Truck (tm).

i am also sad because you are one of the seminal voices in my personal FA. also..... ugh, i really hate the word seminal. i need to consult the thesaurus to find something different. because, spooge, ew.

i think the comment has derailed and i have no clue how to bring it back.


Nonny said...

I'm not a POC but as a disabled queer woman, I run into the same thing of people not listening to me but suddenly snapping to attention and cheering on the straight/able-bodied/male person. It's infuriating.

I just want to thank you for everything you've done here. I read your posts but generally lurk, because with my pain conditions and stuff, I don't always have the mental spoons to think up comments. But, I really appreciate that you speak up about these issues. Some of them, I'm reasonably aware about, but others I've stopped and gone, "Huh. I hadn't thought about it that way."

But I understand it can be exhausting (cause it is for me and my own issues), and if you need a break... take it, because blogging isn't worth your mental health.

I will go check out your story collection, too :)

Tom said...

I'm sorry you have been brought to this point.

I've only just discovered your blog (while searching the internet for info on being a fat 'ally'). Your blog is excellent. I am so happy to have found it.

I've added your blog's rss feed to my list. When you start blogging again, I'll be reading.

Take care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

I am a white lady and want to tell you that your previous posts very much have made me question things like 1) is our community theatre doing all it can to be inclusive (doesn't appear to) and 2) why are the students in our district's montessori program mostly white etc.

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