Thursday, March 22, 2012

This is why we can't have nice things.

Now perhaps I have been especially prescient lately but good goddamn.

If you all will recall here just before my birthday I talked about race, racism in FA, and dealing with it.

Now I'd like you to go read Marianne's post here.

Google the individual people she's talking about because I"m not linking.

Let me say the following.

I call bullshit on any statement of diversity or welcome if I cannot speak to things that concern me without worry of fallout or things becoming a total cluster fuck because people's feefees are too precious to hear anything that might bother them.

I call bullshit if there is no space because people are too busy yelling about how not racist they are to hear what the problem actually is.

I call bullshit if I do have the audacity to question something in a reasonable or not so reasonable manner, then I have to wade through attack, possible quotation without my permission etc.

Not. Cool.

This is all one of those instances where it is so, SO important to learn the first thing about doing the hard work.

You have to listen.

You have to hear things that make you angry or hurt your feelings and it's really fucking hard. It's hard.

Sometimes if you hear the same thing over and over again maybe it's not because EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS WRONG.

Maybe if you hear the same things over and over again, perhaps it's time to take a time out be quiet and sit with it.

If it is beyond you to show a modicum of actual mutual respect and instead of asking questions only to apparently completely ignore answers you don't like or decide to filter out. Don't ask.

Seriously just don't bother.

I say don't bother because it fucking hurts me to see it. It hurts me when I open myself up, when I give what is honest knowlege that is not theory and it's not from some diversity/anti-racism 101 textbook bullshit, I am sharing knowlege and experience from my actual fucking life to see it amount to nothing.

Do people think that people of color like me enjoy repeating the same things over and over again for years?

Do you think it's fun for me to want so badly to support things that seem like such a good cause but being so uncomfortable and yes hurt watching them happen we can't participate because we care about our mental health?

Do you think it's fucking fun?

I am 35 years old.

Can anyone guess how many times I have really invested myself in trying to help someone understand my experiences in order to make an activist space more POC welcoming, or how many times I've spent time and given my fucking LOVE and SUPPORT only to see all of that love support and caring thrown back in my face because some White person decided their privilege and feelings about unpleasant things was more important than anything I or any other POC had to say?

How many times in my life do you think I've had to hold back tears of frustration and pain because I've been tired of someone looking at me and telling me to put away my race card?

If I didn't truly deeply care about things like the intersections of my fat and my race. I wouldn't talk about it so fucking much. (See this link to see ALL of my posts about racism. Most of them date back to approx 2008 or so.)

Here's the thing.

I've had enough. I really have.

My heart hurts. My head hurts and I am so disappointed and sad I don't even know what to do with myself.

New rules.

If you are reading this understand that I am not educating anymore. I will not waste my time, energy and love trying so hard to make the things I talk about when I talk about racism as it intersects with fat activism easily digestible for White people and other non POC and I"m done with that.

As recent events have shown it's fucking useless.

I'm not taking it easy because clearly the loving easy approach only gets my feelings hurt.

I will warn you if you're a regular but I will not try so hard to be gentle.

I need to protect myself from all this nonsense and bullshit.


Moral is- unless I know you fairly well don't bother asking me shit.

Just. Don't.

Not because I don't care. Not because I don't care about you as a human and about how you develop or gain knowlege about these things.

It's because people have RUINED it for everyone and frankly my life is right now full of a lot of really serious stress that I'm not sharing with the general public and I need to watch out for my health.

I need to love myself first and disengage from the things that hurt me.

If all this went over your head here is the bottom line. Too many people have hurt me and I feel taken advantage of and I don't like it.

Homo Out.



Lauren Ding said...

Fucking hell. The attitudes I've been seeing lately are absolutely disgusting (although not surprising). As for Atchka, he is the absolute embodiment of white male privilege: arrogant, ignorant, aggressive and with an air of insufferable authority no one gave him in the first place.

I'm so sorry that the fact activist community is continually closing it's doors to you. It's not your obligation to teach any of us where we're going wrong - we need to understand why this shit is completely unacceptable for ourselves. The onus should be on us to MAKE you welcome in the first fucking place.

Ugh I'm making no sense and ranting, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're hurting, I hope you feel better soon. And it really is FA's loss because you are awesome, and it just makes me so angry that people think it's totally fine to exclude you from their movement or make you feel unwelcome.

etana said...

Fucking yes. I'm at the same point re: disability. No more education. Google it. My health is more important than your understanding of your privilege & its oppressing of my existence. Google. It.

I want to share this post far and wide. So good. So frigg necessary. And I want to hear MORE people saying this. It's not your job to teach me about my whiteness, and it's not my job to teach you about your not-blind-ness, cause that shit just makes oppression all the more tasty and structured.


Living400lbs said...

Y'know, the guy in question didn't have to say a damn thing about the NOLOSE letter. He chose to. NOLOSE stated they initially contacted Marilyn, because Marilyn was the public face of the project. He's the one who got his feelings hurt and made it all about him.

More to the point HERE, I'm glad you are taking care of yourself.

wriggles said...

I'll second living 400, take care of yourself, you're a jewel and many of us love and appreciate your shine!

I will not try so hard to be gentle.

That's me from the start of my involvement with FA and I'm kind of done in with it.

I'm not complaining, I've made my errors which I can accept as I think I can just about remember what I was trying to do.

But now I'm tried out and it's time for me to get off this bus.

Veronica said...

If that is what you need to do for your (mental) health, then that is of course what you should do! I can only speak for myself, but I absolutely understad that.

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